Emotional affair or nothing?

[Lala727]

Would you consider 100s of messages on your partners phone to a female friend, even without sexual content, an emotional affair or just friends chatting?

I hope we’re all wrong. Even so, you do need to voice this to him. And dig down for the truth. Good luck x

Oh OP, you sound lovely and so obliging. I find more and more young women are so concerned about being labelled controlling that they doubt themselves in these situations and don’t know how to respond.

Take heart from the fact that no-one on this thread, not one person, has said his behaviour is ok. Even if it’s not an affair his behaviour is not ok. He has you and a child who need to be his priority. And there is no need for him to be seeing her on his birthday FFS!

Make yourself the priority OP.

It seems silly not to do ‘lunch with a friend’ any other day.

But they are not platonic friends, @Lala727. They are affair partners. I’m so glad that @bleughgreen has provided the link re Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. Please read this to gain clarity about the shifted dynamic in your relationship.

Respectfully, you are still under-reacting to the blatant affair that your P is conducting in plain sight. His primary emotional relationship is now with this OW, so he was never going to cancel his Birthday date with her. After a year or longer, they are heavily invested — hence the constant contact, reaching out on holiday, bringing in the New Year together, and having a birthday meal. I imagine there have been other meet-ups, lunches, etc.

I just saw your update about your brother noticing early on how ‘glowy-eyed’ P is with OW, and also how he sits with her in your presence. Added to the current intensity of their relationship, those two examples speak volumes. He has been making a mockery of you for years. Any ‘reassurance’ he has given that she is a platonic friend is pure manipulation and gaslighting, as his obsession/emotional reliance on her is utterly obvious.

In your shoes, I would tell him definitively that their intense relationship crosses your boundaries and is inappropriate. It’s emotional infidelity, at the least. Tell him you are not interested in continuing this relationship where another woman and their connection is his focus and priority.

If he doesn’t cut her off, I’d be done with him.

@Lala727 why are you questioning everything we say and doubting yourself over this?

This is a fairly unanimous thread. His behaviour is appalling. It’s an EA in plain sight.

The level to which you’re under-reacting is mind-boggling.

Your partner seems to be very naive amongst other things.

Does he really think that sending 100’s of texts a day to another woman would go down well with any partner.

Any man with an ounce of emotional intelligence would know this would be very disruptive in any relationship.

Its extremely childish silly behaviour, I would, I would find it a complete turn off and be very annoyed.

I don’t know any man who would be interested in sending 100s of daily texts to another woman unless he had a romantic interest in her…..

Also what kind of woman sends 100s of texts to a taken man…..she’s a trouble maker….. no decent woman would do this

They are both a couple of idiots

oP this is never going to stop he’s been doing it for years and you have and are falling for hos excuse of her being a “friend”
I can’t believe you think it’s ok regarding his birthday . He is of on a date! he’s gaslit you and god knows what else that you can’t even see reality anymore. .
Putting boundaries in place and having respect for yourself to a not controlling .

Im sorry OP bit this situation is bonkers and you sound very naive .
Loads and loads of postered telling you what’s going on and you keep asking question that try to justify his actions.
Ypu need to face up to what he is doing to you and decide what you want to do about it .

The fact that this ISN'T a work colleague is what raised eyebrows for me. It wouldn't be right but if they are working together there are lots of ways in which they'd have contact during the day that could drive that volume of messaging. It would also make a little more sense why she'd be around for a meal on the birthday, if they're in the office together. It wouldn't make it right, I need to emphasise, but it's a little bit more explainable and possible to see how the situation could have gotten ahead of him and he now needs a reality check to pull back.

I am shocked that he met her after you and that it was through a hobby. This means he/they have had to make a significant amount of effort to keep this contact going and it's a huge amount of contact.

Interested in the brother's comments but even more so how when you're out together he sits with her and not you. Does she even know you're a couple? Are you sure about that?

Guys I don't think post after post going 'you NEED to deal with this' really reflect where the OP is right now. She's not ready. That's ok.

It sometimes feels on threads like this that posters want a resolution but life isn't always like that.

I’d forgotten she was a hobby friend, which as you say, makes it worst. They have no reason to talk about the important sales pitch etc, it’s all non- business.

As @Milkybarsareonmeeeee says, reframe the brunch as thinking it as a date.

Also, as @WhenWereYouUnderMe , we’re all rushing you but you’ve got to digest what’s happening in your own time. It’s easier to see from afar whats happening, but harder to face facts when you’re living it.

What I can't understand is if it is an 'entanglement' from both sides why he hasn't left ? You aren't married, only 1 child on the scene - this wouldn't usually stop a bloke if he didn't want to be with someone anymore. Maybe he just likes the extra oomph and ego boost having a female friend who thinks he's the bees knees brings- he is still bang out of order though- why he thinks you would be ok with this is beyond me

Because he’s got the best of both worlds! Partner making a little cosy home & the OW stroking his ego making him feel great.

what these dumb men don’t seem to realise is their partners were once that exciting new thing & everything was rosy. But then life got in the way, bills, stress, new babies etc.

partnerships/marriages need a lot of work from both sides to work. These men just check out at the first hurdle, just because some woman with no morals strokes his ego!

OP just send her a pic of some skiddy underwear & see if she stills thinks he’s the bees knees 😂

So I’m currently in a relationship with a guy like this. Had several, but one really intense ‘female friend’ messaging all day, prioritising her and so on. We had several arguments about it and he insisted it was normal and I was controlling/insecure etc. We hung on by a thread, and the relationship has got better but I do not really trust him or feel as deeply, and also he does not mention her any more but I suspect that is just because he’s taken it underground. I no longer feel jealous about it and have extended my own boundaries so that I have let lots of male friends back in. It has only confirmed and strengthened my convictions: that with intense contact there is almost always an ulterior motive.

Like the OP I felt utterly perplexed that my P was apparently pursuing another woman in plain sight. He seemed so earnest in his insistence it was normal. I’ve come to the conclusion that he just doesn’t understand relationships at all. He thinks sex is the only boundary and actively wants to build intimacy with other people. We won’t stay together I doubt.

Sorry that was long but I just mean it is confusing when otherwise quite decent men do this. They seem so open in their idea that it’s ’just a friend’ that it is confusing. It puts you into a hard position. And now if I break up with my P I know that will be his lasting story, that I was too insecure to tolerate his friendships. Sneaky pervs are one thing but these guys who do it from the moral high ground are something else entirely.

@daysoff I could have written this word for word!
I've told my dp that I'd put money on it that she will be the end of us

My issue is though that he has apparently been friends with her 20 years

Though he admits it hasn't been this intense for 20 years but he can't seem to tell me how long it actually has been like this .

Apparently his ex and this woman hated each other. He also can't seem to give me a reason for this .

He says he has had words with her to back off and I had noticed the relentless messaging had died down but he could have just muted the notifications for all I know

Ah sorry @solice84, it’s a real pain in the arse isn’t it. I’ve left the point of caring really now, just accepted we’re in a non serious relationship with low loyalty. Not really good enough.

I honestly don’t know if they actually do want these other women, but just enjoy the experience of having one foot out the door always. It’s kind of cowardly. In my case we don’t have children together so why not just pick her if he prefers her and switch?

I just don't understand it
I've said further down id be even more uncomfortable if he was like this with another man so it's not just because it's a woman.
I don't have friendships like this.
I've told him they are co-dependant and it's not healthy.
He has to tell her when he's gonna be busy for a few hours so she knows he can't message
He shouldn't have tell anyone that not even me .

My ex would frequently stay up chatting to person who became his affair partner. Any energy he is spending on this relationship is taking energy from your own. I never minded him having friends, encouraged it in fact, but you can tell when something is different and this sounds like it is.

Does your partner message any of his other friends all day every day and he's just a prolific messager? Any reason why this woman should be especially close to him (grew up together, best friends since before you got together..?) Anything about the woman that means there would be highly unlikely to be an attraction (she's his grandma's generation, she's not straight..?)
Unless you can give at least one yes, I think you're right to see it as at the least an emerging problem.

I think it's useful in any situation like this to
ask yourself how you think your other half would feel / react if the tables were turned.

My partner is interesting on that question, as he is adamant he doesn’t care and is always trying to persuade me to have drinks with exes and so on. I think it might be a very weird defence mechanism against actual fear of being cheated on. But who knows or cares. It is wrong.

Your partner is trying to store up future credits to protect the relationship he's having. If he can get you to do the same, you can't complain about him. It's indicative of the lengths he will go to to make sure he gets to continue his situation with his friend.

Yes.

@Sherrycat oh I totally agree.It's like once you are there, doing housework, childcare, sharing bills etc - you are no longer a 'challenge /fun /ego boost' and you know too that they aren't always the bees knees-you have them sussed!!

I still havent said anything but I borrowed an old laptop of his to do some work on and saw whatsapp was still linked so I looked. Im still not done reading as there was so much but I screenshot everything to look at when I am on my own. Lots of deleted messages that seem to have been pictures and one message inbetween that was sexual. What shocked me the most was one saying that he would be with her if it wasn't for our child but he cant leave them. He wont get a choice in that now

Im not going to say I know or I've seen the messages