How can I do it at 63? Or do I keep on keeping on?

[Silencedandignored]

Married 30 odd years, adult kids. Discovered H use of prostitutes some 15 years ago and thought it was a one off. Loads of teenager probs and utter fear of leaving/him leaving at that time, so tried to make the best of it.

15 years on...it is clear to me H is a damaged and controlling man. More prostitutes and one 'special' one. All discovered by 'accident'

Tried to make it work, or rather I did...trying to match 'her' trying to 'win' H 'back'

Now, he's possibly not using prostitutes though I think has replaced with porn..

He silences me...walks away...says he 'cant be bothered anymore and has stopped trying'

Seems exceptionally unaffected by the pain he is very aware he is causing and I am now having to face the fact that the show is over.

I am quite alone with this. I have no support. I am not good at telling anyone about this as all of my friends heard it all before and all of them advised me to 'get out'

Of course I didn't. I thought I could make things better.

H is clearly only interested in staying together as it is easier and I absolutely know his behaviour is abusive in the extreme. He lies and evades and he knows that I think this so he feels he has nothing to lose. He knows there are no witnesses. He knows I stuck with him before and I will do again because he is absolutely aware of my vulnerability and desperation.

I am a professional woman, I am capable and still attractive but I am utterly broken privately.

So, I am here telling my story because it helps to write it. But I cannot see any kind of future for me with him, or alone. I feel completely stuck. Like a fish on a hook.

Big row 2 days ago, so its silence all round. I just cannot summon up the courage to tell him, its over - over and done with. Finished.

Ive been here before, I have felt this before but always lacked the courage. I literally go weak at the knees and stutter if I try to speak to him.

He is vicious and spiteful, he 'threatens' me with silence and actually tells me, 'I am not prepared to speak to you for three and a half hours' and so he doesnt. He also 'blocks' me on Whatsapp and every other mode of contact for anything up to a week at at a time, if I have displeased him. If I do show emotion and get upset, his usual response is 'grow up' or 'fgs, we have been married for 30 years its time to stop acting like a stupid little girl' The ironic thing is he tells me to grow up but always follows it with 'you are too old - a woman of 60+ acting like a stupid little girl' He knows I have no response and he knows it paralyses me. He is correct, it does.

I am temporarily living abroad with him at the moment but due to return in 3 months and I just cant cope with the silence and the goading...He knows the prostitutes 'broke' me last time so he will do stuff like get showered and changed and go out - for hours - even if it is actually only for a walk, he will try to make me 'suspect' he's heading off to a paid for session, almost just to enjoy the 'show' of seeing me shrink even more.

In between these periods, which can happen as often as every 2 months or as little as once a year, we are OK. We do have shared history, we do have some sense of humour and familiarity, but, I never know when the next session of psychological torture is coming next.

He has told me already some years ago that if I did try to divorce him then he would 'play dirty' He is sly, and manipulative, and cruel. Yet somehow, I am still here and the pain never actually goes.

How do I get the courage? Ive sort of given up but am always happy to read any advice as it gives me a strange hope. Thank you

Leave and forget the noise. Your intuition is screaming that at you. Go live your life in peace he will make you ill.

You absolutely can and should leave. You are being broken and he wants you to stay like that. Have you a rough plan of where to go and who to contact for practical help. You might friend friends rally round if they see you mean business and are going to leave this horrible man.

Plan.

Imagine a future (6 months?) when you are free from him and work towards it with practical steps. Get financial information (pension, salary, savings bank statements). Focus on moving up and out. Don’t give him indications you are doing this. You don’t have to tell him it’s over until you have it set up, ( in fact , you would be better off not saying anything till it is all arranged.)

you know you have to split up. Your gut is screaming at your. he sounds awful. You know it, your friends know it. .

plan plan plan.

You know what you have to do .

It's not too late and you have rights, he can play dirty all he likes, the law is there precisely for that.

This is no way to live.

i understand the fear of the unknown. The idea of separating and setting up a new life apart from him has to feel daunting. But surely, no matter how hard the first few months of separation logistics would be, SURELY it couldn’t be worse than the atmosphere you’re living in now?

PP is right. Imagine the future without him, then work backwards from there to make a plan in small, do-able steps.

Imagine what peace looks like and feels like OP. You will get thst again. Visualise it.. There is a peaceful place for you ahead. Like people have said start planning. Do this clandestinely. Perhaps you could get some counselling while abroad, this might sustain you. Don't pander to him. You can do this OP...

It sounds like you are trauma bonded, look it up if you haven't already.

You're a professional woman so I assume you have some money. Start with counselling for yourself. Do not let your partner know. Hopefully, some sessions will give you insight and the strength to visualise an alternative life away from your husband.

It's possible to escape him and live a good, peaceful life for you. In the meantime have you ever holidayed by yourself; this is a good first step.

Plan to leave. The threat re divorce is just that. To put you off. He will have no choice but to comply and be financially responsible. I'd absolutely be leaving

What absolute joy it will be for you to take your power back.
one small step at a time - begin removing yourself from him. Whatever that means to you. Stop letting him play tug of war with you - drop the rope. Just drop the rope. Picture it. Every time he tries to hook your feelings back in- picture dropping the rope, detach, don’t give him the satisfaction of giving him any emotions. Once you start faking it, even if you have to fake it, the indifference becomes easier and easier as you begin to be able to observe, from afar, his silly little juvenile games.

as you detach, take small steps toward independence. This is YOUR life. You don’t have to give him any more of it.

Why don’t you just leave? Imagine the peace of your own cosy home where you have to answer to nobody, please nobody, where you don’t have to be abused. He won’t change. The only thing you can change is what you are willing to put up with - put yourself first. You are the star of your own show, not an extra in his.

Oh op what a miserable long time you have been suffering with this awful man. He sounds like a horrible bully. I really feel for you 💐

As pp said, you know what you have to do, and it’s better that you do it gradually rather than him initiating proceedings before you have enlisted help.

I suspect the reason that you haven’t done this before and why your knees shake when confronting him is that he has worn you down emotionally. I’d go as far as saying this sounds like a possible case of coercive control which is a crime.

Check this out:

https://www.staffordshire.police.uk/SysSiteAssets/media/downloads/staffordshire/coercive-behaviour-brochure.pdf

So you need to take it step by step and enlist help and support. Don’t feel embarrassed. He is the one very much in the wrong here. It will take time but you will come out of the other side and emerge happier and stronger 💐

You say you are a professional woman. Do you have any financial reserves? Is your dh financially controlling too? Are you working atm while you are away?

For starters I would contact Women’s Aid, get a shit hot lawyer and could you enlist the help of a friend or possibly an adult child? And could you afford a therapist?

Slowly start gathering information as pp has advised. Copies of all financial and important docs. Start saving. Maybe record (carefully) some of his interactions with you. Pay attention in case he has the potential to become violent. Research possible alternative accommodation. Take it step by step.

Please, please reach out for help.

I read an expression on another thread yesterday, which was something like 'you are his nurse with a purse'.

Well rip that future away from him. You will NOT be his nurse in future years and nor will you contribute to his lifestyle. You will prioritise yours, both during the divorce and afterwards. Be really tough on the financial settlement.

Women of our age do much, much better after divorce than men, btw.

Oh OP it's heartbreaking to read this. Do leave. I'd parents who behaved like this to me (and each other) - the silent treatment and belittling and it's so much better away from them.

I saw something on TV this week about self-sabotage, and that voice that makes us believe we can't change our future (it was Paul McKenna on Loose Women - there's an extract of it on Youtube).

Take a look at that. He makes you imagine the future you want, really immerse yourself in it: feel what it would be like, see yourself moving around, totally be in that future. That's what you need to do: see the reality that could absolutely be your future and believe that you CAN have that.

No idea if this link will work. If not, Google "Paul McKenna Loose Women this week"
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=m.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DTrMHjuHzJ_g&ved=2ahUKEwj7teLB2dmDAxVmZ0EAHXTGBtAQwqsBegQIEBAG&usg=AOvVaw2QBY2CF9I2qlNLoe7syZcv

Btw I don’t mean to upset you by asking this but do you think this “special one” could be the catalyst that makes him initiate divorce proceedings? I think you need to act quickly in case it does and he pulls the rug out from under you and hides financial information so start preparing now as thoroughly as you can.

What are you afraid of @Silencedandignored ?
What stops you leaving ?

Clipperyacht79

Thanks for that. The problem is that my situation is miles away from that detailed list of stuff; He really doesn't do any of that at all; it is all very low key and subtle. Yes, the rows, he will be condescending and cruel, but the problem is just more chronic and invisible. Most people who know us, recall there have been past problems but to the outside eye, it appears we are OK and back on an even keel. There is no evidence as such...perhaps a few whatsapp messages announcing he wont speak or is blocking me for 'a day' or a week....or until such time he feels ready to engage, but thats it really. And in the meantime it is just silence, having phone conversations with people behind a closed door, talking to the kids by phone and telling me nothing of what has been said or even how they are. Its just not possible to actually show any evidence. Yes, I do work, but earn a drop in the ocean compared to him. His documents are locked away, his phone has 3 levels of security on it, and whilst we do follow each other on find my friends app, that is only really for safety. And one of the things he does is to stop that - at the drop of a hat - which he is aware really unnerves me. Mainly, as part of the rebuilding of trust after his prostitute use, he agreed to always being transparent as to where he is. So he knows that doing this rocks me, and he always always does it as a precursor to a week of silence ahead.

I used all sorts of mental tricks to summon up the courage and to imagine a better future for myself.

One is Imagining how your life would be if he was dead. You would be a very Merry Widow. It would be great, so give yourself that life just a bit earlier.

The other is to stop with the word ‘broken’. He trashed your marriage- but you are still here, and you are going to salvage the rest of your life from his evil grips.

It seems there is a reasonable level of financial security. Why don’t you just move out, no discussion, just do it. You’re 63, no responsibilities and you owe him nothing. For 3 months you could rent something with no commitment.

Having been there, the day you tell them that the marriage is over starts terrifying but ends great, and you sleep very well. Yes of course it’s like jumping out of a plane, but you have a parachute.

I think you should get yourself into therapy asap OP. It will help you unpick why you're so frozen in fear.
Then make a solid plan. Seek good quality legal advice, being careful not to let him find out.
I think you may feel less afraid of splitting up if you know exactly what your legal and financial rights are.
Fear of the unknown sounds like it's a factor in this. He may say he's going to shaft you in the event of a divorce but you'll probably find that he CAN'T.
With a plan, you may feel less panicky.
You know this is no way to live.

@@Silencedandignored
Low key and subtle is worse imo.
It’s mental torture and I’m so sorry

Yoi can divorce him or separate without proving abuse why is there such a focus on wanting others to see it, you see it, you know how he treats you, that's enough. It's not like you will get a better divorce settlement for proving his emotional abuse or will you?!
Shift your energy from what he has done and is doing, live like a single woman and plot away at your separation in 3 months time without telling him.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through but you can and must leave. Imagine your life without him, being independent and doing what you want - a new life for you. I know it can be scary but it will be better I promise you. Get as much advice as you can beforehand and then tell him - have a plan including a financial plan. It's not too late to start a new life. I've been through similar and know a little of what you are going through.

Clipperyacht79

sorry, I just saw your second post; No I don't think the 'special one' is a feature anymore but of course there might be a replacement. I just don't know any of his details financially....our house is in my name, so thats something, but of course I know that he would go for half and be entitled; but balanced against his Pension and his yet to be acquired inheritance from his wealthy elderly parents, I think any money spent on legal fees would be a waste of time as a court would likely rule that we have in effect already split the pot in half anyway ( ie; 50% of house value versus 50% Pension is much the same)

I know future inheritance is not up for discussion as it is still very much 'future'.

One thing I don't know is about Life Insurance - as he is in his 60's and heavily insured...I assume he can immediately exclude me from benefitting? ie; he wouldn't have to wait until getting a divorce before cutting me off and maybe naming our kids as beneficiaries? Or could that be argued about? In my desperate moments, I must admit I do think of that...its a lot of money. And predictably, I feel dreadful actually revealing that I think about it; I am 2 years older than him, and I have no savings as such but I do earn 40k a year and could manage the 'everyday' - I just don't know for how long. Our house is already quite small and with the property market drop, there wouldn't be much potential for selling and downsizing as any profit would be negligible.