How can I do it at 63? Or do I keep on keeping on?

[Silencedandignored]

Married 30 odd years, adult kids. Discovered H use of prostitutes some 15 years ago and thought it was a one off. Loads of teenager probs and utter fear of leaving/him leaving at that time, so tried to make the best of it.

15 years on...it is clear to me H is a damaged and controlling man. More prostitutes and one 'special' one. All discovered by 'accident'

Tried to make it work, or rather I did...trying to match 'her' trying to 'win' H 'back'

Now, he's possibly not using prostitutes though I think has replaced with porn..

He silences me...walks away...says he 'cant be bothered anymore and has stopped trying'

Seems exceptionally unaffected by the pain he is very aware he is causing and I am now having to face the fact that the show is over.

I am quite alone with this. I have no support. I am not good at telling anyone about this as all of my friends heard it all before and all of them advised me to 'get out'

Of course I didn't. I thought I could make things better.

H is clearly only interested in staying together as it is easier and I absolutely know his behaviour is abusive in the extreme. He lies and evades and he knows that I think this so he feels he has nothing to lose. He knows there are no witnesses. He knows I stuck with him before and I will do again because he is absolutely aware of my vulnerability and desperation.

I am a professional woman, I am capable and still attractive but I am utterly broken privately.

So, I am here telling my story because it helps to write it. But I cannot see any kind of future for me with him, or alone. I feel completely stuck. Like a fish on a hook.

Big row 2 days ago, so its silence all round. I just cannot summon up the courage to tell him, its over - over and done with. Finished.

Ive been here before, I have felt this before but always lacked the courage. I literally go weak at the knees and stutter if I try to speak to him.

He is vicious and spiteful, he 'threatens' me with silence and actually tells me, 'I am not prepared to speak to you for three and a half hours' and so he doesnt. He also 'blocks' me on Whatsapp and every other mode of contact for anything up to a week at at a time, if I have displeased him. If I do show emotion and get upset, his usual response is 'grow up' or 'fgs, we have been married for 30 years its time to stop acting like a stupid little girl' The ironic thing is he tells me to grow up but always follows it with 'you are too old - a woman of 60+ acting like a stupid little girl' He knows I have no response and he knows it paralyses me. He is correct, it does.

I am temporarily living abroad with him at the moment but due to return in 3 months and I just cant cope with the silence and the goading...He knows the prostitutes 'broke' me last time so he will do stuff like get showered and changed and go out - for hours - even if it is actually only for a walk, he will try to make me 'suspect' he's heading off to a paid for session, almost just to enjoy the 'show' of seeing me shrink even more.

In between these periods, which can happen as often as every 2 months or as little as once a year, we are OK. We do have shared history, we do have some sense of humour and familiarity, but, I never know when the next session of psychological torture is coming next.

He has told me already some years ago that if I did try to divorce him then he would 'play dirty' He is sly, and manipulative, and cruel. Yet somehow, I am still here and the pain never actually goes.

How do I get the courage? Ive sort of given up but am always happy to read any advice as it gives me a strange hope. Thank you

63 is young still
You could live till you are 93 or longer another 30 odd years of this!!!
You may get to the time where he needs his ass wiping!!!!!!
Great .........................

Your life

You choose

This is your only chance at life and you are ruining with this man. Get out, get legal advice, worry about the rest later. Just take the first step.

What you need to realise is that you don’t need anyone to give you permission for this, you don’t need to justify it to anyone including him. You don’t need to speak to him if you don’t want. All this proof you think you need, you don’t.

You’ll be surprised how much your friends, and probably your children will understand and support you if only you’d talk to them!
They can’t help until they hear it from you.

Yes I agree. They are probably waiting for you to see the light. No one will be oblivious to how he treats you.

You have listed reasons you find it hard to leave. Somehow, your mind has got very skewed though as to the outside world they are reasons to leave.
The bottom line is any barriers are just in your head and you are in a far better financial position than most would be.
You don't need his life insurance, if he died after you it would be irrelevant anyway, so that is a totally crazy excuse not to go. You talk of all potential money you could lose, but that is only potential.
You probably have lots of savings, because you are entitled to half of his as well as half the house and his pension.
It's clear what you have done for years is put your own barriers up not to leave.

If you did, what's the worst that can happen? On your own, you can make your own friends. Phone/see DC's yourself- no need to ask him. Do your own things daily and not feel you have to perform in the bedroom like a pro - that is quite grim, I'd say years of coercion in that department must have affected your MH, so that's making it harder.
I get it's hard to find the words and looking at how he behaves, he is definitely into punishing you at times, so say nothing, you don't have to tell him. Start proceedings in the background with a solicitor when you return to the UK. Let the paperwork do the talking when it arrives at his door. Meantime, if you can access counselling for yourself over the next 3 months where you are, it might help you to see a way forward better.
The excuses not to split that you've been telling yourself really look like a drop in the ocean from the outside.

I felt very upset reading this. My father disrespected my mother, myself, and my siblings by using prostitutes and cheating with whoever would let him for years, and lying about it. Thousands of pounds. Gave my mother an STD and still lied about it. She was a loyal wife and never 'turned him down'. She was broken but too scared to leave him because 'of what people would say' and because 'she would not have as much money'. I implored her to leave. She didn't. She suffered. She still has PTSD and flashbacks. He died of something horrible and I didn't say goodbye and after he died I thew his ashes in a landfill. Please give yourself permission to leave him and restore your life so you get your self back and your kids don't have to go through what I did. I am sending your all my kindest wishes and sisterly love. xxxxx

Alone is not a problem the lonliest place to be is with someone you don't trust and who disrespects you. Also, you can trust yourself. And restore yourself and if you want, eventually, meet someone nice. Just get a decent solicitor and leave this b@stard. x

What would you tell your daughter to do in the same circumstances? Leave. x

BTW, don't forget to turn off the find my phone on return, so he's not tipped off about solicitor. The later he knows, the better and its non of his business where you go.

Why are you scared of being alone? It can only be better than the life you already have.

In MN parlance start getting your ducks lined up. I don't know what country you're in but I would think that in 99% of them you'd get any amount of sympathy for the crap you've been through.

This. Life is too short. Pack a case and go.

You need to find your anger.
You need to be one step ahead of him.

Get a divorce lawyer and force the issue.

Op, there are some amazing threads on here about women who live alone having divorced their partner. They are full of joy, women waking up to this own homes, just the way they want them with fires / snuggly cats / house plants / books whatever they love. They paint images of glorious freedom so have a look through some to understand how great your life could be if you left him.

Use the time you have alone to make some plans.

I swear to God that once I’d seen a solicitor, I felt the BIGGEST sense of relief. Please find one and book an hours zoom with them… even if you have to sit in the car or a cafe to do this. They will put your mind at rest wrt finances.

Sorry to shout but KNOWLEDGE IS POWER.

Then therapy. You need it. (I say this kindly..) as you’re locked in a situation that is not serving you well, and you and your gut know this.

Meanwhile, say absolutely nothing to the man. Keep up with your usual behaviour.

I found that the hardest bit. I would have awarded myself an Oscar!

There is no evidence as such...perhaps a few whatsapp messages announcing he wont speak or is blocking me for 'a day' or a week....or until such time he feels ready to engage, but thats it really.

You don't need evidence to leave or to divorce any more. Just go.

Can you go home for an emergency? Close friend diagnosed with life threatening illness? Do you need to attend a work meeting in person?

Give yourself a few days breathing space back here in the UK.
Speak to Women’s Aid, too.

The law will see you right, but if he catches wind of your plans, it could draw things out and cost you more. (ie having to employ a forensic accountant etc).

You will flourish on your own. I promise you.

…and you’re not old either!

Main point is

You are only 63, you are too young to spend the rest of your life miserable. Get rid of him. You are better than this

Agree, you've just got to get out, any which way.

You don't need proof, but if you want it for your own sanity, record him not speaking to you when he's giving you one of his delightful silent treatments. You can try and talk to him and record his silence.

Can you get back to the UK without him? Get as much financial evidence as possible?

You could have well over a quarter of your life ahead of you, please don't waste it on him, he's a horrible piece of shit.

Agree don't let him get wind/see this thread etc.

You'll need a trauma therapist who knows about narcissistic behaviours and it's effects.

Sending strength 💪.

I have been in a similar situation and left. He did play dirty but I have realised through all the divorce turmoil it would have been a harder more soul destroying option to stay. After it all my biggest regret is not leaving sooner. Like you I was scared to leave but it didn't break me or come close. I realised the fears I had about the relationship ending were not as bad as i thought they would be and I was more than capable of coping with it. I actually gained so much more than I feared I would lose. Yes it will be stressful but so is what's happening at the moment. You will find yourself, your strenght and a mountain of resilience.

OP your post really resonated with me. Lots of fantastic advice on here.

I left a very controlling & abusive relationship and actually lost everything financially but I am rebuilding (I’m nearly 50). At the time, a friend said to me, the cost of what you might get is not worth the price of your mental health (and life), and that was a penny dropping moment.

A few years on, your life could look like mine: I delight in every moment of my freedom. I have a 3-bedroom house with my kids and I spend time with wonderful healing friends. I changed careers, healed what I went through (meditation, exercise, journaling, coaching), and relish every moment that I don’t have a spiteful controlling asshole on my back, plus the weight of the emotional toil and mental wrangling is gone, plus I now work in the coaching field.

There is so much power in taking control back over your life, and you sound highly capable, together and competent. Having professional skills to support yourself is like gold dust, and is usually the blocker for leaving. So, you can do it. 63 is still young - a new life is out there for you.

We’ll support you every step of the way!

Thank you all so so much. I feel heard. The 'cycle' is now going on its usual course. H loves his food, and likes my cooking. So obviously at the moment, Im not cooking anything so I am sensing he is progressing to a half 'apology' - the one when he says ' OK Im fed up with this silly row, there is lot of food in the fridge needing cooking, so can we not waste it?'

This is the cycle - he then becomes 'nice' and stops stomping around and going out 'for long walks' He may even 're-invite' me to share location - it always happens

Ok, so we are due to leave here and go 'home' in 3 months; I am very very obligated to my job here and cannot consider leaving earlier; I would if I could;

Of course the plan is that we go together - its all booked, fares etc, and he will fully expect to just slot back into my home;

It is simply not possible for me to decamp elsewhere for the 3 months- it is a very expensive place to live and my salary doesn't come close to affording anywhere. But I guess I will have to just find a way to endure it.

I have taken everything that posters have written and I am so grateful; I am also so grateful for the absence of criticism towards me for tolerating the behaviour. I guess I have been desperate for so long, I almost cant recall feeling what I think is 'normal' for the majority of other women.

Thank you all

If you have friends how have advised you before to leave him , go to them and say you were right , can you help me

Living under such stress for sustained periods will make you ill, it may take some time for that to become apparent.

You should make an escape plan, get the proverbial ducks in a row and bide your time. This is no way to live the remaining years of your life. How's your pension pot?

kelsaecobbles

Unfortunately they are all in the UK. I do have a good handful, and I hope they will be forgiving. I am keen not to draw my kids into this as both have a lot on their plate; I have no other family, and I know already that his would not extend any support. Not that it matters I suppose.

You can detach while living together, avoid him, go out more, like it's a shift work and you are ships at night or if you can't then don't engage in conversation, have a book or something you need to go away to do.
Cook if you want to, freeze stuff or whatever.
When he is nicer just carry on as normal dont believe it. Do whatever will make the next months easier. You'll need to plan for living arrangement when you get back.

I was thinking just moral support as much as anyhung ?