How can I do it at 63? Or do I keep on keeping on?

[Silencedandignored]

Married 30 odd years, adult kids. Discovered H use of prostitutes some 15 years ago and thought it was a one off. Loads of teenager probs and utter fear of leaving/him leaving at that time, so tried to make the best of it.

15 years on...it is clear to me H is a damaged and controlling man. More prostitutes and one 'special' one. All discovered by 'accident'

Tried to make it work, or rather I did...trying to match 'her' trying to 'win' H 'back'

Now, he's possibly not using prostitutes though I think has replaced with porn..

He silences me...walks away...says he 'cant be bothered anymore and has stopped trying'

Seems exceptionally unaffected by the pain he is very aware he is causing and I am now having to face the fact that the show is over.

I am quite alone with this. I have no support. I am not good at telling anyone about this as all of my friends heard it all before and all of them advised me to 'get out'

Of course I didn't. I thought I could make things better.

H is clearly only interested in staying together as it is easier and I absolutely know his behaviour is abusive in the extreme. He lies and evades and he knows that I think this so he feels he has nothing to lose. He knows there are no witnesses. He knows I stuck with him before and I will do again because he is absolutely aware of my vulnerability and desperation.

I am a professional woman, I am capable and still attractive but I am utterly broken privately.

So, I am here telling my story because it helps to write it. But I cannot see any kind of future for me with him, or alone. I feel completely stuck. Like a fish on a hook.

Big row 2 days ago, so its silence all round. I just cannot summon up the courage to tell him, its over - over and done with. Finished.

Ive been here before, I have felt this before but always lacked the courage. I literally go weak at the knees and stutter if I try to speak to him.

He is vicious and spiteful, he 'threatens' me with silence and actually tells me, 'I am not prepared to speak to you for three and a half hours' and so he doesnt. He also 'blocks' me on Whatsapp and every other mode of contact for anything up to a week at at a time, if I have displeased him. If I do show emotion and get upset, his usual response is 'grow up' or 'fgs, we have been married for 30 years its time to stop acting like a stupid little girl' The ironic thing is he tells me to grow up but always follows it with 'you are too old - a woman of 60+ acting like a stupid little girl' He knows I have no response and he knows it paralyses me. He is correct, it does.

I am temporarily living abroad with him at the moment but due to return in 3 months and I just cant cope with the silence and the goading...He knows the prostitutes 'broke' me last time so he will do stuff like get showered and changed and go out - for hours - even if it is actually only for a walk, he will try to make me 'suspect' he's heading off to a paid for session, almost just to enjoy the 'show' of seeing me shrink even more.

In between these periods, which can happen as often as every 2 months or as little as once a year, we are OK. We do have shared history, we do have some sense of humour and familiarity, but, I never know when the next session of psychological torture is coming next.

He has told me already some years ago that if I did try to divorce him then he would 'play dirty' He is sly, and manipulative, and cruel. Yet somehow, I am still here and the pain never actually goes.

How do I get the courage? Ive sort of given up but am always happy to read any advice as it gives me a strange hope. Thank you

He can ‘play dirty’ all he wants, but you need to have tens of millions to make it worth using any mechanisms to ‘hide’ assets.

you’ll get 50/50 on the house and the pension. No way he can hide that. Also - the inheritance might be trickier to get him to declare the full amount, but the parents home will be easy to value. ( you can argue for a bigger share of your family home)

and honestly- I’d just be prepared to walk away with that. You could have 30 more years of this shit. As you both age, you’re looking at having to nurse this wanker- or worse- you may end up being dependent on him for care.

get out now

Find a therapist out there and start working with them on the reasons why you are unable to pull the trigger on a divorce.

When you get back see your friends, tell them what's happening, ask for their support. See a solicitor and start divorce proceedings.

I can tell you this, life on your own terms in your own home without an abusive man is wonderful.

I suppose the question is do you really want to leave? What is keeping you there? Can you do your job if you came back home? Do you have children together?

If you have a daughter, what would you advise her to do in your situation?

Also, all divorces here now are no fault. It doesn't matter whether you have evidence or not.

Oh OP, you are already living through a daily hell - how could leaving him be any worse? It's the fear of the unknown that is keeping you stuck.

You said that you don't want to think of the years you wasted, but staying even longer won't fix that, it will only be more time to regret. You could have another 30 years of life left, think about what you would like it to be.

Are you due to retire soon? Do you have a good pension? At least start making plans to leave and build a life for yourself.

I know 63 is hard but you would only have you to support financially . The divorce is likely to leave you with enough for a place to live and pension money. You can go for a clean break so you would given everything you are entitled at divorce. He is a horrible person and I wonder what he gets out of being with you. Divorce in the U.K. is my advice. Can’t you come back now and start talking to a lawyer and your family about this? Do you have a property in the U.K.? Get it valued.

I'm so sorry 😞 you could have another 20 or 30 years of happiness if you leave him, you can breathe again and rebuild your life, it isn't too late. It's scary, of course it is, but make plans and let him play dirty if that's what he wants to do. You are married and divorce courts will sort things equally. Try and find the courage to speak to someone close to you that you can trust about everything so you don't have to do this alone.

Does he have an income?

Thank you
What he gets out of me is good food and good humour and gratitude - he knows he has the upper hand and he's always a moment away from another prostitute... there are many many where we are and it is somewhat 'the norm' for a lot of men here - sadly - I know I'm not alone but that is not a comfort: above all I feel, it seems that H gets a slight kick out of knowing that other people, mainly men he works with, rather envy him in that he's had a grand old time with his paid for friends and he's 'got away with it' : the positive deep buried away piece of me knows I am still attractive so that gives me hope - but the important bit is I guess is I simply don't deserve a loyal man.

Have you had any therapy or counselling OP to try and figure out why you think this is all you deserve?
So much of your posts are focused on him - his wants, his motivations etc. But who fucking cares - he's an arsehole who doesn't deserve you and treats you with contempt. The sooner you detach from wanting or needing his approval the better.

Sorry to be an armchair psychologist, but what kind of childhood did you have? Did you have a good relationship with your parents, did they model a healthy marriage?
You seem to be very enmeshed in doing what you are supposed to do, and keeping up appearances even though it is dragging you down.

it isn't you it is him if you divorced him he would find someone else to treat as bad. Men having sex with prostitutes do not respect women they don't care about their feelings or wants, men who treat women like entertainment and "staff" are not decent men..your husband sounds horrible really despicable. how would feel if your son treated his wife like this although I suspect you would blame yourself, anyway it isn't you it is him.

Start dating, and make sure he knows about it. Tell him at least you don’t have to pay for it. Tell him if you choose to divorce him, you can play dirty too. And when he is silent, tell him to fuck off because you don’t care. Tell him he is an asshole every morning with a laugh. Live your life regardless of if he lives in the same house as you or not. The stuff he did were deal breakers. You are single. All bets are off. Throw stuff at him, so he is scared to be around you and always ducking.

Lovely girl, I'm only a bit younger than you and I have recently got divorced after many years in an abusive marriage. I remember all the things that kept me there for so long, including not realising how nasty he actually was, like your situation it was all very subtle to the point where I doubted it myself.

But do you know what, ALL the stuff you are fretting about atm doesn't matter in the long term...the divorce settlement will set you up for the next chapter and who cares if he gets inheritance from his parents or earns more or you are entirely reliant on your salary? You will be away from his cruelty and that is worth millions. You earn good money yourself so you're not going to starve and the financial settlement process will make sure you can afford somewhere appropriate to live; it sounds like your DC are old enough not to be directly affected...

In short you have precisely nothing to lose, except your unhappiness. Forget all the "sunk costs" of the years you've been together, the trying to put things right and the money you've spent/ he's got...none of that matters but your health and happiness does. Get yourself a decent solicitor and start preparing for your new life. It sounds like you have to stay where you are for 3 months (although make yourself question if that's really true as well) and whenever you do it, if you need to leave and then tell him you've done so by letter afterwards then so be it. You can do this I promise, you deserve to be happy.

You do deserve a good life, be that with yourself or with a NICE man. Your self esteem has taking a kicking with this bastard. You will recover. Move away if necessary to not be near him but KICK HIM OUT. Sending hugs. After all the shit with my dad, in my youth I moved in with a cheating bastard about 20 years ago. He stole all my money and gaslighted me for 2 years. I wised up and left eventually and am am now happy. I started from scratch. I was happy alone for years. xx

What gives you pleasure, OP? What do you value most in life? What makes you feel most like yourself?

As you’re preparing to leave, ask yourself these questions and spend more and more time doing things that give you joy - as well as therapy and financial planning this is what I would most recommend. You’ll most likely find that you are a different person away from him, doing what you WANT, meeting your own needs - and you can start getting that person back, piece by piece.

I’m leaving a marriage now and realised the atmosphere the relationship created was toxic and poisoning me - making me feel like I was an unattractive, unconfident, even ‘bad’ person, because I’d started to see myself only through my H’s eyes, who didn’t love me anymore. As soon as I spent more time away from him I started seeing myself differently, getting my confidence and sense of myself back. Then I knew I had to leave - and that I could.

Farmageddon
In reply to your question, my parents are both gone but I had a good relationship and yes, their marriage was certainly based on respect and from my perspective there was a lot of love for me and in the home I grew up in. Certainly nothing that jumps out as unusual; perhaps I was hoping for something similar...maybe my expectations were unrealistic? Who knows...perhaps therapy would help me face my disappointment. Just right now I cant think how to even start.

Hi OP, I wasn't trying to blame you or anything. I just wondered had something happened or had you experienced a similar dynamic in an early relationship, to make you think this type of disrespect in a relationship is normal. It is not.

You still seem to think you are somehow wrong for wanting better - he is the one who is to blame, for taking your for granted and treating badly, and expecting you to just put up with it. You deserve so much more.

Is there someone in real life you can confide in who can help you see your way out of this?

You have already started love, by recognising that things are not right, so not right that you are questioning everything.

You won't be able to think straight whilst you're still living with him, as all you'll be able to do is react to his behaviour, so tell him you want a trial separation (before or after you've left, whatever works for you), having found yourself somewhere else to stay for a month or three months or six.

And then once you have space to think, just don't think to start with, just be. Allow yourself time, with the help of a good therapist, and a solicitor, to work out what you want/what you're entitled to and what isn't worth fighting over (most of it).

You do what you need to do, to your timetable and priorities, not his. And then when you're ready tell him what you want.

I knew the minute my XH had left the house, amid much manipulative drama, that I didn't want him back. The next 18 months weren't easy and I nearly caved in at least once (we have young DC) but my life now is so much happier, I am rediscovering who I am, piece by piece as Rinkyfink says...I am a better mum, and a better me...you can do it I promise, we will help.

Congratulations OP you have reached the point of no return and can now start to end this thing.
Three enforced months is not terrible. You have something to focus on now.
Be prepared for some effort on his part if he does decide it’s less faff to keep you as his doting little woman. Spend your time researching your rights and planning your future.
I am interested in what the next step was going to be for you both. It’s probably not usual for a 63 year old wife of a very high earner to still be working full time. Is he older or younger? When were you both planning to retire? That’s a natural next step anyway for couples to plan for.
He obviously despises you. Sorry. Likely the stronger and less dependent you show yourself to be, the angrier he will get. Be strong!
One day you will have a whole day when he doesn’t cross your mind. The journey to that day starts now.

I'd stop wasting time analysing him and his shitty behaviour and channel
your energy into leaving. No kids to worry about, just go!

So you've got three months to plan your escape. Things to think about doing:

Open a new bank account with a bank he doesn't know about, not one your bank with now
Get a new email address in case he had access to your current one (your said he's very security concious, chances are he's all over your personal stuff).
Change your passwords for everything! Including mumsnet.
Make contact with a divorce lawyer in the UK so they can advise you for your return.
As others have said, you don't need to prove his shitty behaviour to get a divorce, but if you can keep your eyes and ears open for evidence of his finances that would be helpful.
And finally, talk to people about what's going on. Get support in place for when you return.
Good luck OP.

I guess is I simply don't deserve a loyal man.

Bollocks. Who instilled that into you?

I bloody love this!!! Totally turn it round and keep him on the back foot! Brilliant!! ❤❤❤

This!!!
Use the 3 months to make you stronger.
Start squirrelling away any money you can into the new bank account - even better if you have a person you can trust implicitly to open an account in their name then save the money in that. Then the court won't see it. When you go shopping, add cash back each and every time. Bank the cash somewhere he won't know about or if you can't, hide it. If you fold a handful of bank notes over in sanitary towel wrap and pop back in an open box of new ones you can save £££ this way. Just looks like an unused sanitary towel and he's unlikely to go poking about in those.
Start building bridges with your friends at home.

Definitely get counselling - this will help reinforce your belief that you are worth way more than him and that you will be happier and more successful without him.
Try to find the keys for everything he has locked away then get copies of all the financial documents you can lay your hands on.
Get a good solicitor and be ready to go for divorce in 3 months - be ready to file the day you return.
Book a flight home the day before yours with him. Don't tell him. On the day you go, leave a note saying you are on your way back and he needs to find somewhere to stay as he is not to contact you at YOUR house. Make an appointment for a locksmith to change the locks to your U.K. house before he lands. While he is in mid air you will be filing for divorce with your solicitor.

If you are scared of his reaction when he returns go away somewhere preferably with friends, or if you are brave enough, stay at home and call the police if he kicks off when he arrives at the door.
Prepare your DC by telling them when you are about to board/have left/told their dad. I am sure they will be aware of what's been going on, if not, just tell them you couldn't live with him anymore and needed to leave for your own safety and mental and emotional al health. Don't diss him to them. Be calm let them know you love them it's just that your marriage has run it's course.

There will be rocky times ahead but you will get there. You can do it. The feeling of freedom and relief is unreal!! Good luck.