How can I do it at 63? Or do I keep on keeping on?

[Silencedandignored]

Married 30 odd years, adult kids. Discovered H use of prostitutes some 15 years ago and thought it was a one off. Loads of teenager probs and utter fear of leaving/him leaving at that time, so tried to make the best of it.

15 years on...it is clear to me H is a damaged and controlling man. More prostitutes and one 'special' one. All discovered by 'accident'

Tried to make it work, or rather I did...trying to match 'her' trying to 'win' H 'back'

Now, he's possibly not using prostitutes though I think has replaced with porn..

He silences me...walks away...says he 'cant be bothered anymore and has stopped trying'

Seems exceptionally unaffected by the pain he is very aware he is causing and I am now having to face the fact that the show is over.

I am quite alone with this. I have no support. I am not good at telling anyone about this as all of my friends heard it all before and all of them advised me to 'get out'

Of course I didn't. I thought I could make things better.

H is clearly only interested in staying together as it is easier and I absolutely know his behaviour is abusive in the extreme. He lies and evades and he knows that I think this so he feels he has nothing to lose. He knows there are no witnesses. He knows I stuck with him before and I will do again because he is absolutely aware of my vulnerability and desperation.

I am a professional woman, I am capable and still attractive but I am utterly broken privately.

So, I am here telling my story because it helps to write it. But I cannot see any kind of future for me with him, or alone. I feel completely stuck. Like a fish on a hook.

Big row 2 days ago, so its silence all round. I just cannot summon up the courage to tell him, its over - over and done with. Finished.

Ive been here before, I have felt this before but always lacked the courage. I literally go weak at the knees and stutter if I try to speak to him.

He is vicious and spiteful, he 'threatens' me with silence and actually tells me, 'I am not prepared to speak to you for three and a half hours' and so he doesnt. He also 'blocks' me on Whatsapp and every other mode of contact for anything up to a week at at a time, if I have displeased him. If I do show emotion and get upset, his usual response is 'grow up' or 'fgs, we have been married for 30 years its time to stop acting like a stupid little girl' The ironic thing is he tells me to grow up but always follows it with 'you are too old - a woman of 60+ acting like a stupid little girl' He knows I have no response and he knows it paralyses me. He is correct, it does.

I am temporarily living abroad with him at the moment but due to return in 3 months and I just cant cope with the silence and the goading...He knows the prostitutes 'broke' me last time so he will do stuff like get showered and changed and go out - for hours - even if it is actually only for a walk, he will try to make me 'suspect' he's heading off to a paid for session, almost just to enjoy the 'show' of seeing me shrink even more.

In between these periods, which can happen as often as every 2 months or as little as once a year, we are OK. We do have shared history, we do have some sense of humour and familiarity, but, I never know when the next session of psychological torture is coming next.

He has told me already some years ago that if I did try to divorce him then he would 'play dirty' He is sly, and manipulative, and cruel. Yet somehow, I am still here and the pain never actually goes.

How do I get the courage? Ive sort of given up but am always happy to read any advice as it gives me a strange hope. Thank you

So is telling someone being abused to get that backbone.

When people are treated like that, self worth goes out of the window.

If it was that easy to leave people would.

OP. You are worth so much more than this. It will be hard to begin with, but one day you will be so glad you left him. Sending you love. ❤

Again, excellent! ❤❤❤

OP You 100% deserve a loyal man. You really do. You feeling like you don't is just what he did to you. He's the one who doesn't deserve you. Never forget it.🌻

Nobody said it was easy but people on here have just made comments about what I said about get a backbone.
It's to push you and we all are fully aware that you are been abused and it's not easy at all but you have been with him thirty years so some of us posters might put things in a brutal blunt way as something might click to push you. We are all here trying to encourage you and push you to leave him as the softly softly approach isn't always best. Thirty years is a very long time to put up with this.
I don't need another poster advising me how to say things to you. We are all on here taking time to try and help you.
Sending you all the best.

I see this sort of thread over and over and over again.

Surely, in the year 2023, there must be books written, blogs written, advice written zillions of time on google, about what people in the same position as the op, should do?

There must be links surely, References etc?

Course there is but something isn't clicking with op to leave the scumbag.
And it's not easy at all but staying is very sad and a total waste of what could be a better life.
But I fear the op is not going to leave this dirty old man who has not got an ounce respect for her whatsoever.

Your post is so familiar, sounds like you have a narcissist for a husband, over years, coercive, control, erodes, self-esteem, self-confidence, and the very core of you.
I’m 63 and got rid of my controlling narcissist partners three years ago. It hasn’t been easy being on my own is difficult, but I am beginning to get myself back and so wish I hadn’t wasted so much of my life..
put your finances in order get ready to get rid take the big step you won’t regret it. It’s a journey read all you can about narcissism join some groups and if you can afford to get some therapy don’t tell him what you’re doing just get on and do it, promise it gets better
good luck op wish you all luck
get strong sister

That is what I meant really. What has to have been written about etc.

The "clicking" part.

I am a professional woman

Perhaps you could approach it all from a "professional" perspective?
What would you advise if someone came to you for help? And what would you help set up?

Perhaps think of it in a business/practical way, as opposed to an emotional one.

Go see a lawyer. He can threaten all he wants but you have rights end of. Tell him nothing. Start to get your ducks in a row. Collect paper work etc etc. as for silent treatment just ignore him. Don't cook for him or do laundry etc. start to confide in friends and family. You may be surprised. Ppl probably think he is a controlling arse. If he threatened you. Tell him if he pulls that trick again you will tell everyone about his sordid secret life.Good luck xx

I appreciate you were giving advice from a good place but, honestly, the OP will have had to be really strong to get through what she has, already. Walk a mile in another person's shoes and all that ... I don't think you can underestimate the impact of living in that situation and it reads really judgy and unfair. Not just you, but anyone who makes that type of comment.

I'm mindful this conversation won't be helping OP either so I will leave it there.

People don't come on this forum if they want the gentle approach.
I think a lot of posters do need someone to be blunt and not pussyfoot about.
That's why some of these people are still in toxic situations because they have not been strong and not had people who tell them how it is.
My life hasn't all been a bed of roses so I'm not coming from a naive perspective.
I'm no expert but this situation is horrific and I can't say nothing.
Her oh is a total loser.

No one is judging the poster either.
We just think this poster sounds like a great person living with a total t...

As another poster said we are very mindful of how you are feeling and only want the best outcome for you.
If anything said is upsetting to you please say.
I definitely get the impression you want different opinions even if some of them are very direct.
A lot of the posters on here will have lived through their own hardships so will be more clued up and understanding that others realise and some will have walked in similar shoes and all that.

OP you're stronger and more resilient than you think. Remind yourself of that fact daily. See a therapist. Talk it all through. It will help more than you know.

I know a few divorced women in their 60s who are on their own. None of them regret leaving their awful partners. Their only regret is that it took them so long to find the courage.

You will find other women like you if you leave and will find friendship and laughter and mutual respect in a way you can't imagine at the moment.

@Silencedandignored

I think you know that you want to leave him, at this point it's just about the 'how'. The 'why' no longer matters because HE no longer matters. Remember that. There will be time enough to think about the past and counselors to help you sort it through once you are out and settled. Right now, it's all about you getting out. You will feel such a sense of relief and 'lightness' when you are living on your own.

But one thing for right now. The silent treatment. My exH used to do that and I changed my thinking about it. I told myself that when he was silent he wasn't criticizing me. When he was silent he wasn't shouting. When he was silent he wasn't demanding things and bossing me around. And the 'silent treatment' became a positive instead of a negative. It became a time of peace and calm in the middle of the chaos. It gave me time to think quietly and to plan. And to dream what it would be like if that 'silence' was permanent. And that gave me the courage to boot his ass out the door.

I know you've said you can't leave earlier (my first thought) but is there a chance that you could go for a week? Maybe fudge a business trip or a sick friend? If he's still catting around he'd probably wave you off gleefully, but who cares? He's a waste of space. If you do take this 'trip' keep everything I suggest below on the down low. He doesn't need to know jack shit until you shout 'Bye bye, Felipe' as you walk away.

If you can then schedule an appointment with a solicitor early in that week to get educated on how divorce might affect you, especially what would happen to the house should you choose to live elsewhere, specifically would it endanger getting your share or affect the financial settlement? 'All things being equal' what would be your chances of being given the house if you 'sign off' on his pension? My cousin did that and now 20 years later she knows she made the much better deal by keeping the house. She's mortgage free and he's not able to retire because he bought a new house a few years after they split. Yes, he'll probably have a better funded retirement than she has, IF he can ever afford to retire! But of course YMMV.

That can help you decide whether or not to use the moving back as a natural splitting up point. If a solicitor can assure you that your financial options won't change if you don't return to the marital home, then I'd make plans to move elsewhere the minute I stepped off the plane. And you could use the rest of your 'business trip/sick friend' to move your valuables & sentimental items OUT of the house and into a place for safekeeping (friend/relative/storage). I'd also open a new bank account now preparatory to splitting finances in 3 months.

Obvs if you can't manage to get 'home' beforehand you'll need to do everything I suggest as soon as you possibly can.

@Silencedandignored

Something I forgot to say. I'm in your 'age range' and you and I both know that we have a LOT more miles in our rear view mirrors than we see on the road ahead. And we both know that we only get one go round on this sweet Earth. Don't waste 'what's left' of yours in unhappiness. Maybe life won't be as financially 'easy' on your own, but you'll be so much 'richer' in happiness and that's worth any price.

It’s a Sliding Doors moment. Imagine your life in 6 months time, you can either still be living with him, he doing what he wants to do with whoever, goading you, excluding you. Or you could be free to live however you want to, answerable to no one.
Theres always away around problems like the house, pensions etc… it’s not always easy but there’s usually a way around.
You need advice on his insurance, it may well have been written with you as the beneficiary , not sure it can be changed.

Op, your life was not a waste. You reared children, have a career and have tried your best. When we were going through the teenage crisis years I think I'd have tried to reconcile with anything so as not to make the teens worse and not have to face it alone. You did what had to be done. You are still young enough to have the life you want. At least you don't have to deal with small children or teens - it is just yourself.

You've had great advice from others. If I were you I would:

1. find a therapist. you need to stop blaming yourself and find a way to acknowledge how much you did for your family and children and say well done to you for that.
2. Take this time abroad to start thinking about what needs to be done to separate. Make a list (password protected) and ask for help on here - these women are phenomenal for getting other women to organise themselves.
3. Stop caring about what he does or says or thinks. This will take a while but fake it till you make it. When he goes out - who cares? Think of him walking the roads for 3 hours trying to make you think he is with a prostitute? That is one of the most pathetic things I can imagine. This is not a good man, not a decent man, and not a man you should care about. Try to stop it. Stop fighting for his attention or his phone or anything. This is a sad man paying for sex from reluctant, probably trafficked women. He is truly pathetic and horrible and you need to train yourself to see this reality rather that the reality you'd like - which is that he is a man who is trying to make you happy. he isn't. I know this is a lot but therapy would help a lot with this.

Divorce won't be as bad as you think. you own the house. He has big pensions. You earn decent enough money. Imagine being in a small flat on your own talking to your kid or friend on the phone and never having to cry over him again?

And, when the dust is settled and people ask why the divorce - tell them straight that he was using prostitutes.

And the next time he says "I'm not going to talk to you for 3 hours" say "what a relief - can we hear it for 4?"

This is so sad to read OP you deserve better. .
He thinks you won’t leave because he threatened you . So he keeps treating you as he likes . He is one sick man .

Can you book an online chat with a solicitor and get all paperwork out the home while your away or have your plan set for return . Have a place lined up for your return . Once your stuff is out just serve divorce papers . He can’t shut you down then and you can’t loose your words that way .

I hope you fine the strength to leave

You are in a horrible sad situation but you can break free. Perhaps some therapy and then make your plan? Putting a plan together will make you feel in control and will be liberating. Your life hasnt been a waste as you have your DCs. But you must break free from this man

You might need help

hoenatly it’s so hard and the longer it’s happened the harder it is to leave

you are a solvent professional woman you say

get a therapist or , a divorce coach

but freedom is sweet

and he can’t ‘play nasty’
the law is the law and assets are assets

and yea you’ll probably lose some money
but ….

Catching up reading your replies and again I am so grateful to everyone for such kindness and support. I honestly am not offended or disturbed by any of your responses - at all - and without exception, everyones time, compassionate energy and willingness to write, is so appreciated.

It has made a huge difference to my head and I certainly feel stronger. I am going to get some therapy of some sort. I've been reading about Trauma Bonding. It is horrible reading, and more horrible seeing me and my situation in almost every line.

FWIW, he is in the 'soften her up' stage and has just told me that I 'need to keep things in perspective and not be so emotional' (after the row)

It seems like a nasty dance of spite going on. Im beginning even at a small level, to absorb the great insights I've been given here, so thank you again.

Don't waste the rest of your life with this total dickhead OP, you're worth so much more than this.