Married 30 odd years, adult kids. Discovered H use of prostitutes some 15 years ago and thought it was a one off. Loads of teenager probs and utter fear of leaving/him leaving at that time, so tried to make the best of it.
15 years on...it is clear to me H is a damaged and controlling man. More prostitutes and one 'special' one. All discovered by 'accident'
Tried to make it work, or rather I did...trying to match 'her' trying to 'win' H 'back'
Now, he's possibly not using prostitutes though I think has replaced with porn..
He silences me...walks away...says he 'cant be bothered anymore and has stopped trying'
Seems exceptionally unaffected by the pain he is very aware he is causing and I am now having to face the fact that the show is over.
I am quite alone with this. I have no support. I am not good at telling anyone about this as all of my friends heard it all before and all of them advised me to 'get out'
Of course I didn't. I thought I could make things better.
H is clearly only interested in staying together as it is easier and I absolutely know his behaviour is abusive in the extreme. He lies and evades and he knows that I think this so he feels he has nothing to lose. He knows there are no witnesses. He knows I stuck with him before and I will do again because he is absolutely aware of my vulnerability and desperation.
I am a professional woman, I am capable and still attractive but I am utterly broken privately.
So, I am here telling my story because it helps to write it. But I cannot see any kind of future for me with him, or alone. I feel completely stuck. Like a fish on a hook.
Big row 2 days ago, so its silence all round. I just cannot summon up the courage to tell him, its over - over and done with. Finished.
Ive been here before, I have felt this before but always lacked the courage. I literally go weak at the knees and stutter if I try to speak to him.
He is vicious and spiteful, he 'threatens' me with silence and actually tells me, 'I am not prepared to speak to you for three and a half hours' and so he doesnt. He also 'blocks' me on Whatsapp and every other mode of contact for anything up to a week at at a time, if I have displeased him. If I do show emotion and get upset, his usual response is 'grow up' or 'fgs, we have been married for 30 years its time to stop acting like a stupid little girl' The ironic thing is he tells me to grow up but always follows it with 'you are too old - a woman of 60+ acting like a stupid little girl' He knows I have no response and he knows it paralyses me. He is correct, it does.
I am temporarily living abroad with him at the moment but due to return in 3 months and I just cant cope with the silence and the goading...He knows the prostitutes 'broke' me last time so he will do stuff like get showered and changed and go out - for hours - even if it is actually only for a walk, he will try to make me 'suspect' he's heading off to a paid for session, almost just to enjoy the 'show' of seeing me shrink even more.
In between these periods, which can happen as often as every 2 months or as little as once a year, we are OK. We do have shared history, we do have some sense of humour and familiarity, but, I never know when the next session of psychological torture is coming next.
He has told me already some years ago that if I did try to divorce him then he would 'play dirty' He is sly, and manipulative, and cruel. Yet somehow, I am still here and the pain never actually goes.
How do I get the courage? Ive sort of given up but am always happy to read any advice as it gives me a strange hope. Thank you