How can I do it at 63? Or do I keep on keeping on?

[Silencedandignored]

Married 30 odd years, adult kids. Discovered H use of prostitutes some 15 years ago and thought it was a one off. Loads of teenager probs and utter fear of leaving/him leaving at that time, so tried to make the best of it.

15 years on...it is clear to me H is a damaged and controlling man. More prostitutes and one 'special' one. All discovered by 'accident'

Tried to make it work, or rather I did...trying to match 'her' trying to 'win' H 'back'

Now, he's possibly not using prostitutes though I think has replaced with porn..

He silences me...walks away...says he 'cant be bothered anymore and has stopped trying'

Seems exceptionally unaffected by the pain he is very aware he is causing and I am now having to face the fact that the show is over.

I am quite alone with this. I have no support. I am not good at telling anyone about this as all of my friends heard it all before and all of them advised me to 'get out'

Of course I didn't. I thought I could make things better.

H is clearly only interested in staying together as it is easier and I absolutely know his behaviour is abusive in the extreme. He lies and evades and he knows that I think this so he feels he has nothing to lose. He knows there are no witnesses. He knows I stuck with him before and I will do again because he is absolutely aware of my vulnerability and desperation.

I am a professional woman, I am capable and still attractive but I am utterly broken privately.

So, I am here telling my story because it helps to write it. But I cannot see any kind of future for me with him, or alone. I feel completely stuck. Like a fish on a hook.

Big row 2 days ago, so its silence all round. I just cannot summon up the courage to tell him, its over - over and done with. Finished.

Ive been here before, I have felt this before but always lacked the courage. I literally go weak at the knees and stutter if I try to speak to him.

He is vicious and spiteful, he 'threatens' me with silence and actually tells me, 'I am not prepared to speak to you for three and a half hours' and so he doesnt. He also 'blocks' me on Whatsapp and every other mode of contact for anything up to a week at at a time, if I have displeased him. If I do show emotion and get upset, his usual response is 'grow up' or 'fgs, we have been married for 30 years its time to stop acting like a stupid little girl' The ironic thing is he tells me to grow up but always follows it with 'you are too old - a woman of 60+ acting like a stupid little girl' He knows I have no response and he knows it paralyses me. He is correct, it does.

I am temporarily living abroad with him at the moment but due to return in 3 months and I just cant cope with the silence and the goading...He knows the prostitutes 'broke' me last time so he will do stuff like get showered and changed and go out - for hours - even if it is actually only for a walk, he will try to make me 'suspect' he's heading off to a paid for session, almost just to enjoy the 'show' of seeing me shrink even more.

In between these periods, which can happen as often as every 2 months or as little as once a year, we are OK. We do have shared history, we do have some sense of humour and familiarity, but, I never know when the next session of psychological torture is coming next.

He has told me already some years ago that if I did try to divorce him then he would 'play dirty' He is sly, and manipulative, and cruel. Yet somehow, I am still here and the pain never actually goes.

How do I get the courage? Ive sort of given up but am always happy to read any advice as it gives me a strange hope. Thank you

This is how I feel a lot of women spend their energy working out, analysing bad behaviour from abusive men while still in a relationship with them.. this keeps them stuck and aparlysed in a loop of but why does he do this? When the answer will fall into your lap once you actually leave and have some time and distance from tbe situation
Please have a listen at this, it will open in web page even if you don't have or use tiktok.

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGe6eVTPw/

3 months is a good time for you to plan.

it sounds like there’s not much to be done with access to his finances, do you own a house etc there will be things you can do. You do need to get a good divorce lawyer set up.

in the meantime you need to start practicing the art of not giving a fuck. He only has control over your emotions because you care that he blocks you, ignores you etc. what sort of thing do you enjoy doing, start to enjoy the peace and absorb yourself in hobbies. Do you have a job at the moment? Start looking for something to coincide with your return home. Do you have friends/family locally that you can reach out to.

good luck

OK so he has been subtle. I would still enlist the help of a really good divorce lawyer (you could ask on here for a recommendation in your area) to decide the legal ramifications and what he has or hadn’t gone. One who specialises in emotional abuse.

Consorting with prostitutes and then going out of his way to pretend that he is when he isn’t, and the coldness, cutting you off, blocking you, the lack of openness about any sort of information, and the implied threats about divorce are NOT normal op. You must realise how extreme that behaviour is?

A good lawyer will have seen some of this before and be able to prise open his wrongdoings and build a good case at least for a decent financial settlement.

OverTheGrip

I think it is the fear of being completely alone, and facing up to what an absolute and utter waste my life has been...it is only now, and its ridiculous of me to have thought otherwise, that anything would ever change. It hurts so much and I fear the facing of the pain and the regret. It just swamps me..almost to the point of not being able to breathe. In just the past few days I have been unable eat a single thing. I just sit and look at nothing much on my PC, I cant sleep and I cant concentrate and I know I have to keep my job. I have no friends here - all the people I know are his friends. And of course no one would suspect anything is wrong. He - often explains to people that when I am not with him - on a pre-planned evening out for example - he will just say Im tired and not well. He is almost bullet proof...he has no conscience at all and just doesn't see that my unhappiness matters to anyone whatsoever so no explanation is necessary. It honestly feels like a death by a thousand cuts..if I cry or shake when we speak or mid insult hurling, he will just say ' I don't have time for all this, you need to grow up' I scream inside. It paralyses me.

What do you gain staying with him?

You can pay for yourself. The cost to stay in this relationship is too high. 💖

I would just pack and go.

As scary as the thought of leaving is ask yourself is the thought of staying any less scary? Once you have gone the fear will subside, if you stay it will always be there. It's time to go. You deserve better and he does not deserve anymore of your tears. As my dear dad once said to me " you've given him your past, don't give him your future".

OP, he is extremely abusive. His behaviour is abhorrent.

Your fear is the only thing keeping you where you are. Fear that he has instilled in you. You need to get out from under it so you can think clearly.

Pack a suitcase, book an airbnb and get out of there. Once you can breathe properly, and at the moment you won’t be, because I bet you’re constantly tense, you’ll be able to think, plan and find your anger.

Then you can take the bastard to the cleaners.

Show him he hasn’t broken you, OP. Give the strutting simpleton the shock of his life. We’re all behind you.

if you're abroad with him now, why don't you just come home early by yourself? Easy way to get some headspace and you can start divorcing him from here.

Until you can separate, I’d go silent on him. Ignore him, do your own thing. Shop, cook, clean, wash just for yourself. Lead a single life doing things you like doing. He’s not interested in being your partner- so it’s time you stop being one to him.

You might find CBT helpful

You said

"I think it is the fear of being completely alone, and facing up to what an absolute and utter waste my life has been...it is only now, and its ridiculous of me to have thought otherwise, that anything would ever change."

Re fear of being alone
But you are alone and doing so much on your own anyway? He is adding to your burden and blocking you from finding someone else. The cost of what he is doing is too high for a bit of occasional company and a second adult pottering around. You could find better company from a cat.

Re it's too late
You could well live another 30 years. You stayed because it was the best you could do at that time and you weren't ready, staying all those had some benefits, they weren't all a waste, there would have been some good times and practical reasons to stay, forgive yourself. Resilient people are made by life's adversity not born, when you get on the other side you will see how this has shaped you.

Even if you have a week on earth after you leave him, it's the actual act of choosing yourself even if you end up a bit poorer or never meet anyone romantically, it's never too late to do the right thing by yourself. The peace of mind, reclaiming your life is never too late.

Your biggest barrier to leaving is that voice in your head telling you its safer to just stay. The voice is wrong because this choice has not given you peace. You hace listenes to and obeyee fear for so long, it's time to be brave.

Btw he will lose out in many ways when you leave him. Thats why he scares you with threats. You know you have given this marriage everything to work. Its time to choose yourself.

The money or lifestyle isn't worth the life.
Move to a one bedroom flat near amenities. Sort everything out quickly and quietly.
He doesn't love you as someone who truly loves doesn't treat another person like this.
When you are 83 you could be on here now saying same thing.
You are still young enough to enjoy life and I would rather be alone than treated like this.
He is horrible.

You don't need all these reasons to leave. Just leave. Don't divorce immediately, just call it a formal separation and wait till he wants a divorce. If anyone is unhappy for any reason, they can leave! If the house is in your name, return home, tell him you are leaving and change the locks. You are not powerless, just think you are. Your friends all told you to leave years ago....why didn't you?

To comment on your update if I may op; it’s black & white thinking to write your entire life off and call it a waste.

You had your life before you met your husband. You have your dc, your career, and you have friends (who I am sure will rally again once they sense you are serious about leaving and you enlist their help). You also have learned how NOT to live. This gives you a lot of experience that you could use to help others but first you need to help yourself.

What would you advise a friend in your situation to do?

Have you read Lundy Bancroft?

Could you try snd develop some compassion for yourself? It’s your husband who is making you feel so unworthy of happiness.

You have an opportunity here while you are still relatively young to act before misery makes you ill and physically incapable of leaving.

Come on get that backbone and move on. He is horrible to you.
What you staying for? He is not going to change now.
There is a new different life out there.
Don't stay to not lose out on your bit of everything. I would rather live in a bedsit on own with my peace of mind and independence than be with that piece of crap.

If you don’t have to be there then leave.

Plan it carefully, don’t discuss it , just go while he’s out.

Its time to take his power away and stop his vile behaviour.

Wish you well Op, you deserve so much better .

Book a flight home, change the locks and block him. If he wants a divorce he can start the process otherwise remain legally married and tell him to eff off. You can grab life with both hands and find some peace. You're probably not used to having peace so it feel unfamiliar, but staying with him might make you sick. Don't worry about being alone, you have children they will always be a part of you x you haven't wasted your life, you have been immensely strong and raised a family that's a massive achievement. He sounds mean, and to be honest, whoever would have been his wife, would have been treated the same. Its not personal to you as such, he is a disloyal bastard.

My ex H was similar. It's mentally paralysing, I was medicated for most of the marriage. Split 2017 when he finally found his next victim. My first reaction was overwhelming relief.

He was an utter cunt throughout the divorce process, tried every tactic, had to go right through to Final Hearing. The Courts have seen it all and the Judge was not impressed. I got practically everything.

Being single is the best thing ever. I had forgotten what feeling happy was like. I smile all the time. I have no regrets as that is pointless. Move forwards, don't look back. You can do it, don't waste any more time on him.

Your comment that he said he will play dirty.
He's already doing that?!!!!'
Disgusting man.
What's it going take for you to leave?
Another load of prostitutes and a couple of special ones thrown in for good measure. He doesn't love you.
Tell him to f... ...
Please get a backbone before you are a old lady.
Btw sending you lots of support too.
I am just so angry that you are still with this worm of a man. He's scum🤮🤢

OP you say you are afraid of being alone, but it is far, far better to be alone and free of an abuser than to stay. You are now 63, do you want to risk old age with this horrible man? What if you have health problems and end up dependant on him? That would be unspeakably awful.

Breaking free and being able to breathe again will feel a blessed relief I can tell you. I left an abusive ex many years ago now and will never forget that first week on my own yet absolutely free of the torment. No longer being afraid what mood he was coming home in. Grab any opportunity you have and get out of there, please. Your life has not been wasted, there is still time ahead!

I totally agree. Do it for YOU OP, because YOU see it. Other people don't need to know or understand. YOU deserve a better life and YOU are worth it. This isn't about him, or anyone else.You owe it yourself. You're a young enough woman, don't waste another 15 years living in misery with this abusive excuse for a man.

You are a strong intelligent women who has tried her best and done everything you can.
None of this is your fault.
Unfortunately you ended up with the wrong person but that isnt your fault.
You have tried to do the right thing and not given up but he's not worth your energy anymore.
You are a very good person who didn't give up on someone you care about but they have disrespected you and treated you appalling and should be ashamed of themselves. You need to take back control of your life. It won't be easy but you will have so much more self esteem and self worth in the end. He won't expect it. He thinks you are just going be there while he fucks others blantantly.
Is this your memory of how life was going be when you first met?
Come on start packing.
Do it quickly and quietly.
Get everything in order and leave.
Don't let him suspect anything.

Don’t waste your life waiting for him to die.
My relative did this, she is younger than her husband but not by much. He’s nearly 90 now, she has wasted her life.
He could write you out of his will and life insurance policies anyway.

Keep everyone updated and take care of yourself.
This thread will give you support.
Value yourself.
What would you say to your children if their partners treated them like this?!!

I would stop fretting about the marriage and start fretting about finances.
you are an older woman ,ways to boost savings and pension are running out of time.
Quielly see a solicitor and set out who gets what - don’t risk a skimping
old age by being fleeced.

1. you don't have to discuss anything with him, you just need to inform him - via email if necessary - that you want a divorce. Job done.
2. you don't need to provide a reason.
3. your solicitor can sort out the financials - don't assume anything or listen to any of his nonsense.

As others have said it will take courage to break this glass wall between you and your new life but you CAN do it.