Suspicions about DH - am I being paranoid?

[winterrabbit]

DH and I have been together for 12 years, married for 7 and have 1 child together and 2 older kids each from previous marriages. We've had ups and downs but overall we have a fairly passionate relationship (sex a few times a week) and I think love each other. DH has a very flexible teaching (at university) job, however, nearly every Friday morning he claims he has a meeting and disappears from around 9.30 to 2pm when he resurfaces. It could be completely innocent but he never checks his phone during that time (I can see from whatsapp) and goes every week even out of term time when there are no lectures. He's always quite vague when I ask him where he is doing and says it's a meeting to do with his research group (which I know exists) but I am still suspicious as it's always Friday mornings and he is always completely offline. By way of background, DH's had a long affair with another woman during his last marriage who was a student (a mature student) at his uni which is raising my suspicions. I did try to pin him down about the meetings once but he got angry that I was suspicious and said I had no reason to be. What do I do? Let is go?

It’s completely reasonable that he has a meeting ever Friday at the same time, and that he doesn’t look at his phone for this time. When first reading I was confused why you would be suspicious, sounds like a good marriage. But when I read he’d had an affair in a previous relationship I understand a bit more.

However, you chose to be with him knowing his history and I don’t think it’s fair 12 years later to let that put suspicion in your mind he could do it again.

in my mind your options are

1. realise you’re being a bit paranoid and just get over it
2. have a frank conversation with him and say you’re feeling a bit paranoid and need some reassurance. But before this you need to think about what you want from him, how can he put your mind at ease in a reasonable way? He can’t exactly invite you along to prove it’s real.

Follow him !

Find my iPhone might help in this situation I guess....

I would follow him

I think that you are justified in your suspicion.

My first thought, as an outsider reading this, would be AA / GA / therapy of some kind

Could it be something along those lines by any chance?

How could I follow him without being seen? Can't use findmyphone as we're not set-up with family sharing.

No, I really don't think so.

Why someone would marry someone who was a sleaze who had an affair with his student I do not know. Of course this man can’t be trusted OP. Sleazy & grim

DH's had a long affair with another woman during his last marriage who was a student (a mature student) at his uni which is raising my suspicions

Did you know about thus before you got serious?

I wouldn't stay with someone who had done this in the past - it speaks to the type of husband he would be.

I've already raised it with him several times and he brushed it off then got defensive saying it was completely unfair to suspect him. No point confronting him again as he'll deny it and there's nothing he can say he reassure me at this point. Either he has or hasn't been having an affair. If he has then I would like to know about it but I can't imagine he would tell me. If he is seeing someone he has to be pretty stupid to go the same time every week. I wouldn't have noticed if he varied the times or days as he has other meetings in the week he goes to. It stands out as he always make an excuse why he has to go into the office on Friday mornings. Also odd as literally everyone I know WFH on Fridays unless it's different in a university. I guess I could try to follow him but would need to plan it very carefully. If he actually went to the university, would my suspicious be unfounded?

It did cause my to have massive doubts at the start of the relationship which DH says he worked hard to disprove. He claims that his marriage was over by the point the affair started, they hadn't had sex for 6 months before etc etc. The student was 33 when the affair started.

me not my

Do you share finances? Is he spending money on this Friday and where.
Can you access any of his emails or his phone?

Personally I would be on a massive snooping mission by now but this is based on the fact my husband was having an affair and when I found out I've now looked back and felt like an effing mug.

So yeh. If he won't give you the info you need to satisfy you, turn detective.

Oh god. I hoped I was being paranoid. I don't have access to his email or messages and we don't share any finances. Do I really have to follow him? Sure I will give myself away plus I feel sick at the thought of what I may uncover.

If you can afford it - and you really, really want to know - a private investigator would be the safest option.

Another thing that makes me suspicious is that we're not friends on any social media apart from linkedin. When he met me he was on Facebook and Instragram but then deactivated both accounts after meeting me. He claims he doesn't use them/like social media. He could be telling the truth.

Maybe I should do that. I can't be sure he'll definitely go next week though.

Put a phone in his car with location activated.

If the meeting is at the university and always ends at the same time, rather than follow him you could go there. Arrive a little while before he is due to be at his car to go home and surprise him with the offer of lunch, cinema whatever. I guess you’d have to know where he parks or which building the meeting is in (someone there would know). But that’s got to be simpler than following and cheaper than a PI.

He doesn't drive to work. Gets the underground. I think it would be easier for me to follow him rather than a PI.

Have you tried calling his work on a Friday morning?

Then just go there and ask someone where he / the meeting is. Good luck

Duh! I was over complicating. Yes phone his work that’s simpler still

Would be too difficult as it's a uni - not sure they would know about such a meeting.