Suspicions about DH - am I being paranoid?

[winterrabbit]

DH and I have been together for 12 years, married for 7 and have 1 child together and 2 older kids each from previous marriages. We've had ups and downs but overall we have a fairly passionate relationship (sex a few times a week) and I think love each other. DH has a very flexible teaching (at university) job, however, nearly every Friday morning he claims he has a meeting and disappears from around 9.30 to 2pm when he resurfaces. It could be completely innocent but he never checks his phone during that time (I can see from whatsapp) and goes every week even out of term time when there are no lectures. He's always quite vague when I ask him where he is doing and says it's a meeting to do with his research group (which I know exists) but I am still suspicious as it's always Friday mornings and he is always completely offline. By way of background, DH's had a long affair with another woman during his last marriage who was a student (a mature student) at his uni which is raising my suspicions. I did try to pin him down about the meetings once but he got angry that I was suspicious and said I had no reason to be. What do I do? Let is go?

I'd stick an AirTag on the underside if his shoe. Or if he has an iPhone and you know his iCloud password, back up his phone to another iPhone in the middle of the night then check his frequent locations etc.

But why would you use your job and industry as a benchmark when he is in a completely different job and industry with completely different norms and ways of working?

MN loves nothing more than to play amateur private detective but most of the suggestions are quite laughable (as well as being gross intrusions of privacy). Also bear in mind that you could type anything at all and half the thread would tell you your husband's having an affair. Even if you didn't type anything about him or affairs in the first place.

Our receptionist wouldn’t have a clue where I was at any time of day. We work over multiple buildings/lecture theatres etc and all our receptionist does is deal with random students, visiting
academics, engineers etc and parcels. We don’t all have a personal secretary anymore!

This really sounds like a research meeting.

But if you are nervous about it I’m not sure why you are worried about following him, as you know where he is going, to the Uni. So someone just needs to be ahead of him leaving and then you know when he gets there.

How far are you going to take this though? If he is going in to the Uni with his normal stuff at the meeting time, do you want someone following him around the building or peering through the window?

I shouldn’t encourage this but if you know the other people in the research group and can get their numbers you could have an unknown person call them during the meeting to see if they pick up. If they all have phones off would that suffice?

Prof services in the City is a completely different working environment to university research. I can see why you don't get it if you haven't experienced it, but several PPs who work in unis have said that weekly in-person meetings are normal. And if that's the norm, it's a real pain if one person insists on dialling in instead and it doesn't reflect well on them.

I don't know what your husband's research field is, but where I work people certainly don't and can't wfh every Friday. There are fewer people on-site on Fridays but people are there every day of the week, because there are practical tasks to do in labs and workshops.

He might indeed be cheating, with some woman who is only available on Friday mornings and likes her men unshowered. But nothing you've said about his work pattern sounds off to me.

In-person meetings are normal in my research team. In fact, they’re the one thing we’re all meant to come in for.

In my uni we don't even have receptionists in most of our 100 or so buildings. They've been phased out like secretaries. We have a central switchboard of sorts, and the people manning it will never have heard of 99% of the thousands of staff. If you rang asking for Dr Bloggs, they'd look him up on a database and call his extension, if he even has a desk phone. They would have no idea where he is. The exception would be a handful of very senior people, in which case your call would be forwarded to his secretary.

Set up a fake Facebook account and find him on there. Use a different name to yours. Even use a males name.

It might be worth getting a private investigator as some have suggested. But I will be honest, if he's cheated on the person before you then he will more than likely do it to you. He says the relationship was over before he cheated etc but I wouldn't believe that. That's always a red flag for me and I run for the hills.

Make sure you've got things put in place if it turns out he is cheating. Finances, place to go etc. Good luck.

Firstly, can I just say I think the meeting is real... but anyway - if an Airtag moves whilst away from it's owner (or designated area the user can set, such as a house etc.) it will start to beep. This is to prevent stalking.

There’s some sick fucks out there who would get a real kick out of fucking their wife and then fucking an OW, unwashed. 🤢

What's wrong with long meetings weekly? Especially given his job.

Yes, he cheated on his ex but OP has presumably known about that for a long time going by her post, and she shouldn't have continued the relationship with him if this was always going to be an issue. The only thing I can see is that she's suspicious of his meetings, which IMO does not warrant being followed, PIs, air tags or a bloody helicopter. Oh, and changing his shirt sometimes. Well, I can only speak for myself but I certainly need a change of shirt after giving a presentation!

Can you imagine if a man were posting this? I highly doubt posters would be suggesting he follow his wife or stick an air tag on her shoe, because let's face it, it's extremely controlling and abusive.

OP it might be rare in your line of work, but face to face meetings are still very normal in some areas. I'd say half my meetings are in person. And there's no ban on Friday meetings! It's also perfectly normal to have a meeting that happens at the same time every week. And a research group would meet even if it wasn't term time.

So on the meeting alone, I'd say this is perfectly normal behaviour. Nothing to be worried about.

There must be other stuff happening to make you suspocious about this. Which seems to be the case - you know he cheated before so you don't trust him (rightly or wrongly).

upon reading I see I'm late to the air tag idea LOL

I haven't RTFT so maybe someone else has already suggested this but can you secret an air tag or other tiny tracking device to his bag, auto, coat, something he would be taking with him for his 'meeting'? Then you'll know where he physically was so if at uni or a home/hotel etc you'll have more info to work from

YANBU for being suspicious

This is spot on.

His meeting sound perfectly normal in research. You work in a completely different industry and your experience is certainly not universal.

If he was having an affair there would be more than one set time where he disappears.

Presuming he’s doing a PhD or involved in research then having a set weekly meeting sounds quite normal and that would happen outside of term time as research is ongoing.

Omg @winterrabbit I have just read your further posts and they sound completely mad.

He is an academic.

The work can be gruelling, in lab during very antisocial hours and it is definitely not a cushy office job or wfh scenario where you have a 4 day week.

It can be difficult to schedule a meeting as everyone is on different teaching timetables, Friday may be the only time everyone is available and the meetings can be protracted. He can’t check his WhatsApp because it would be entirely unprofessional to do so.

Why can’t you just support him in his work, which is different to yours. Please stop being so monstrously paranoid and don’t follow him into the University; you’ll look like a total nut job and probably irrevocably damage or end your relationship.

• sorry don’t want to overreach regarding whatever discipline he is in, regardless collaborative work is necessary, normal and usually scheduled to a set time.

Air tag! You could hide it in the lining of his bag undetected, then remove it after.

Or call him one Friday (he won’t answer), then call his work and make up an excise why you needed to speak to him.

I don’t condone stalking or being paranoid for no reason, but your DH has form for cheating, his sbehaviour when you ask about the meeting sounds sus and changing his shirt mid day also sounds weird.

I have an AirTag on my car keys (I’m always losing them). It’s linked to my DH’s Apple account. Not once has it beeped and it doesn’t show up on my phone.

As for the previous poster suggesting to stick it to the underside of his shoe - have you ever seen an AirTag? He’d be hobbling around and detect it instantly!

Definitely go with an air tag. Maybe in the lining of his bag. You won’t rest until you know.

Yes @Snowdogsmitten the Friday morning sex thing rings alarm bells too.

I work in a university and my set-in-stone, face-to-face research group meetings are Friday mornings. Two hours, termtime and student vacs, and I'd be unlikely to check my phone as I'd be contributing (or at least pretending to look engaged!) It's not at all unlikely that, as a lecturer, your DH has the same commitment.

However his past behaviour does put a slightly different spin on it and I can understand your concerns.

I'm loving the idea that a university receptionist would have the foggiest clue where I was, where I was supposed to be, or even who I am, though 😂

MN is crazy condoning stalking.

All an AirTag will show is he is in the university, which if he is having an affair with a student, he will be where?!

Honestly people need to engage their brains.

This 100% lol

It’s really scary what some posters think is acceptable behaviour.

If my DH was even thinking about doing these things I’d end the relationship immediately and get a restraining order on him.

Its not normal.