Suspicions about DH - am I being paranoid?

[winterrabbit]

DH and I have been together for 12 years, married for 7 and have 1 child together and 2 older kids each from previous marriages. We've had ups and downs but overall we have a fairly passionate relationship (sex a few times a week) and I think love each other. DH has a very flexible teaching (at university) job, however, nearly every Friday morning he claims he has a meeting and disappears from around 9.30 to 2pm when he resurfaces. It could be completely innocent but he never checks his phone during that time (I can see from whatsapp) and goes every week even out of term time when there are no lectures. He's always quite vague when I ask him where he is doing and says it's a meeting to do with his research group (which I know exists) but I am still suspicious as it's always Friday mornings and he is always completely offline. By way of background, DH's had a long affair with another woman during his last marriage who was a student (a mature student) at his uni which is raising my suspicions. I did try to pin him down about the meetings once but he got angry that I was suspicious and said I had no reason to be. What do I do? Let is go?

If it is a regular group meeting, then there should be a mix of regular faces, some of his students, one or two bigwigs, maybe some visitors, some colleagues. Maybe a regular time but NOT for the hours he says.

Is it his specific group, does the group have his name on it and he'd Head or PI? Or is he just part of it? Is he responsible for funding?

Again, I'd be massively surprised if there wasn't a hybrid option and he HAD to be there FTF every week. Especially if its not his group.

Could he be blurring boundaries and there is "some" meeting but he claims he needs to be out FTF for longer as no-one cares about attendance.

Also, the timing seems really excessive - everywhere I know is struggling with attendance with hour long hybrid meetings every week.

People won't even Zoom in with their video turned off for an hour weekly to make up the numbers! The timing he mentions sounds more like a "yearly conference big meet", not a weekly one.

Is there some actual hands on laboratory-based work everyone needs to be inspecting or discussing? Or is he so senior he needs to have some high "senior board" meetings regularly?

Might be a writing group - we have a few where i work and they are weekly for several hours at a time. Quite rare for someone to go every week but you never know.

A lecturer here. Research meetings are rarely a weekly occurrence, certainly don't last for hours and are never out of term time (at least not where I teach). Actually, since COVID most meetings are online. There is a possibility he is meeting with research supervisees on a weekly basis. However, generally speaking, students don't progress very much in a week unless the submission date is around the corner, so discussions tend to be short. Again this is from my own experience.

Usually, unless you're in a meeting with the head/dean of the faculty there is no reason why you can't check your phone.

Maybe not, but why would you think to do that, if you were fully engaged with the meeting and if there wasn't some family emergency that you needed to keep an eye on? I hate it so much that we are always expected to be available or checking in via phones - it's terrible for concentration.

Sorry but anyone on this thread who is suggesting the OP hires a private investigator (!!!!) because her husband has a regular meeting each week at the same time is absolutely bonkers and I feel sorry for your DH and DPs.

That is what I would do. Or an Air Tag.

Can you gain access to his work calendar? If it is a regular meeting then it should be in his calendar with the room number that has been booked along with other attendees invited.

edited to add that I don’t think this is suspicious behaviour. A regular weekly meeting seems very plausible.

My husband also tends to disappear to the office on a Friday. He's not cheating, the company tend to do a paid-for pub lunch! Could it be innocent? I don't think tracking people is a good idea.

Definitely follow him. It's is strange that even out if term he always has that "meeting" at the same time/day.

Can you put him an "Apple Air Tag" or the equivalent for Samsung, whichever he has?

It's a very small tracker, the size of a coin. You could put it on his briefcase, coat, etc, then you follow it on the app.

Thanks SamiaK, that was my expectation too. I have a lot of meetings as part of my work and everyone usually has their phone with them and will check it once or twice. It would be weird to not check in a 4 hour period which is what he often does.

OP - only go snooping if you’re absolutely sure you want to know.

If, for example, you wouldn’t leave him, even if he is cheating (and no judgement from me, it’s a very personal choice) aren’t you better off not knowing?

Of course you may prefer to know, because you would then choose to leave.

How times have changed. I was lucky to meet with my tutor once a term when I was at uni.

I thought this too when I read the post.

I would listen to your gut, sounds a bit too convenient, plus hell of a long meeting.
Cheaters rarely change.

Academic here. I block out the exact same time every week to get research done. If I don't then I'm never left alone as the rest of my week is teaching and meetings. My family struggle when I say I'm doing research because they see this as kind of messing about, not 'real' work because I'm just reading and writing on my own, and then end up asking me to do all kind of errands but it is the most important aspect of my job and the only thing I'll get promoted on. So I block out a 'meeting' and go into 'monk mode'. My guess is he could well be doing the same.

I'd watch and wait OP. If there is anything funny going on, it will eventually reveal itself. Until then, you'll have to "trust him" as best you can.

Never take the word of anyone here who says 'lecturer here' or 'GP here' or '<insert any job> here'. Anyone can claim to be anything here and their description of their job, even if true does not directly mean it applies in any other situation.

As for AirTags. DO NOT DO THIS. They ping as an anti stalking mechanism when they are on the move away from the phone they are linked to.

The most sensible advice here is the person saying to show more interest in his job and what he does. Be curious, open minded and friendly about it. It is not an interrogation! Really get to know what he actually does, when and why. Show him this matters to you. It will become clear in time one way or another if this meeting you don't believe in, exists or not.

Very curious now ….I don’t think it is an affair though as the routine of every Friday morning from 9.30- 2 sounds too boring and consistent, also I think most people prefer to have sex in the afternoon / evening / night not it the morning……dying to know what he is up to though😊

I would lean towards some sort of therapy group/1:1/AA or similar

I think if I was having an affair with a married man, I'd want him turning up showered and ready for sex! Unless he is quite highly sexed and can manage to satisfy two women in one morning? If he doesn't shower, that sounds like some sort of casual meeting to me. Does he shower regularly normally? This part has intrigued me, as that's not the usual behaviour of someone having an affair? Keep us updated x

Uni lecturer here. The weekly research meeting is not surprising - and yes, they wouldn’t just be in teaching weeks.

The shirt changing is stranger, though, and the not showering. Is there any chance he’s being secretive about a gym or fitness session? Is he embarrassed about his weight and trying to shift it? .

Past behaviour is often the best predictor of future behaviour, it's entirely possible he's playing away as he's done it before 🤷‍♀️

@winterrabbit you said:-

"I've already raised it with him several times and he brushed it off then got defensive saying it was completely unfair to suspect him. No point confronting him again as he'll deny it and there's nothing he can say he reassure me at this point."

Two things.

1. I think it's completely fair to suspect him given that he deceived his first wife and jeopardised his teaching job. Was that every death with formally at the university?

2. he can easily reassure you - surely if this is a regular meeting it must have some importance attached to it so he may have a room block booked for it and surely they're worried be minutes arising from the meeting - how much trouble would it be to show you either an email confirming a room booking or some minutes? His evasiveness over something that could be cheated up so easily it's the single most worrying evidence.

My son in law is a university lecturer/researcher and he has PhD students etc - I've never known anyone have so much flexibility in their job - he's at home providing all of the childcare ATM while my DD has returned to work.

I don’t like the whole thing of expecting people to be constantly available on their phones. How is anyone supposed to get things done?

Having said that, I think the meeting probably occurs each Friday, but there is something else also in play. The vagueness is a clue. But it might be an innocent thing, like he is having counselling or going to a gym session he doesn’t want to tell you about.

However, I do agree with the poster upthread who said that men sniffing around women happens a lot more than we like to think. I once worked on a project with some external consultants from a different city. Nice guy of a similar age group (married with a toddler), began giving me appreciative looks in the meetings, then started sending the occasional message on LinkedIn. It was fairly clear that he was interested in lining me up as a ‘When in London’ option. I am of average to slightly above-average looks, but I don’t think it’s the stunning women that they tend to approach. I am married and wasn’t interested, but it was interesting to observe.

Unfortunately your DH does have form so that psychological barrier isn’t there - the quickest way to find out would be to get into work email.

I'm a university academic. We have a weekly research group meeting, at the same time every week, that goes on way too long. No-one joins remotely, everyone is in person. The department secretaries wouldn't have a clue where we are during this meeting - they don't have access to our calendar. (We don't really have calendars...) Messing around with your phone during the meeting would be regarded as very rude.

It's also the most boring part of the week. I can't think of a less interesting subject for dinner conversation.