Suspicions about DH - am I being paranoid?

[winterrabbit]

DH and I have been together for 12 years, married for 7 and have 1 child together and 2 older kids each from previous marriages. We've had ups and downs but overall we have a fairly passionate relationship (sex a few times a week) and I think love each other. DH has a very flexible teaching (at university) job, however, nearly every Friday morning he claims he has a meeting and disappears from around 9.30 to 2pm when he resurfaces. It could be completely innocent but he never checks his phone during that time (I can see from whatsapp) and goes every week even out of term time when there are no lectures. He's always quite vague when I ask him where he is doing and says it's a meeting to do with his research group (which I know exists) but I am still suspicious as it's always Friday mornings and he is always completely offline. By way of background, DH's had a long affair with another woman during his last marriage who was a student (a mature student) at his uni which is raising my suspicions. I did try to pin him down about the meetings once but he got angry that I was suspicious and said I had no reason to be. What do I do? Let is go?

Id get a PI to do it. It sounds like an easy job for them.

I wouldn’t entertain a relationship with a former cheater who didn’t take full blame for their poor choices. ‘Marriage was over’ ‘no sex’ etc is rubbish. If he did it without his spouses knowledge or started opening the doors to another person before being single - he’s a common garden cheat.

By saying ‘I justify my cheating because I wasn’t getting sex’ he is saying ‘I believe in monogamy BUT not if I’m not getting enough sex’. He has a BUT in his fidelity. He is saying his spouse controls his behaviour - if wife doesn’t do X I have no choice but to do Y. Utter garbage.

He made a choice to cheat. He thought it was acceptable to not honor his vows. He thought it was okay to make promises and go back on his word. If honesty and fidelity isn’t one of his values that’s okay, he needed to own it. But it’s not okay to waste another’s life by not being honest.

You know he is prepared to lie. He lied to his spouse, he isn’t honest. So you are correct no point discussing it. Don’t mention it again but hire a PI to follow him. If nothing is uncovered in term term rehire for the holidays.

Yes some say that your marriage is over if you don’t trust etc etc but I think everyone deserves to know if they are being put at risk of sexually transmitted diseases. HPV and HIV are very risky and if you think he may be putting you at risk you do what you need to do. This chap has a red flag over him. You have kids who need their mother - So look after your sexual health.

Plus he would be like, why are you calling my work instead of him directly on his phone? Would be very obvious so if I am going the subtle route that isn't it.

If he is cheating he is doing so in the space of a few hours. 9.54-12 ish today. He replied to my text sent at 12.15 within 5 minutes.

Does he always take the same bag? Maybe before hiring a PI you could pop an air tag in his bag? You can then track the location.

Thanks Fairy, good advice. I hear what you're saying on all fronts. I'm not excusing his behaviour during his first marriage but I do think he married someone he wasn't in love with (she got pregnant 10 months into the relationship) and a lot of the issues came out of that. He has been good to me and he's a great day so I would like to think he deserves a second chance. He does get really sensitive if he ever thinks I don't trust him as he says that he has tried for years to build trust which is true. He never/rarely goes out so I don't really have any concerns apart from this Friday morning meeting and his lack of social media presence. I will think about following him next week. There is a good chance I may not find out much. I may find out that he IS going to the university (although won't be able to follow him in) which would be reassuring but won't know anything else. I suppose what I would find out is if he is going somewhere else which would obviously be a massive red flag.

To be honest it sounds to me like it is a research meeting.

Only way to know where he is going is to follow him.

Could be that there is someone who only goes into the university on a friday morning that he really likes to spend time with and so thats why he insists on going in. you mention he had an affair previously with a mature student. Could it be a similar type of situation developing? perhaps they only go in once a week. Does not mean he has started an affair with them though, but perhaps enjoys their company a little too much.
or he could genuinely just have a meeting.
However, your suspicions are likely based on more than the fact he has a regular meeting.
Does he make any more of an effort with himself on a friday? Anything else he does that he doesn't normally do before other meetings?

Will be difficult to follow him on the tube I guess. Could you leave before he does and so get the tube to where you are expecting him to get off it and see if he actually does? So not start following him from home but be where you would expect him to be at the time he would be expected to be there if indeed he was going to the university for meetings?

And then if he does that, can you actually go in on the premise of needing him to urgently sign something/do something/speak to him about something and see exactly who is in this meeting and what its for.

Great dad not day. Cannot type on this keyboard :(

Have you asked a tech savvy friend to find him on SM? I know lots of people who don’t have SM. So it’s not necessarily an issue.

I also know others that said they didn’t have SM but really they just didn’t have their spouse on SM or didn’t want their love interest to see their happy family pics as then they couldn’t spin them a tale about ‘our marriage is dead’. ‘We are only together for the kids’. ‘She is in another relationship’. ‘We are over just waiting for the house to sell’. ‘I can’t leave as she has mental health issues’. ‘She’d stop me seeing the kids’. Etc etc.

No idea if he is cheating but his history means you know he has a ‘but’ in his vows and is happy to be deceptive over a long period. What happened to the mature student? Where is she now?

Great idea but what if he finds it??

@winterrabbit theyre pretty small and could probably be hidden in there quite easily? I guess if he found it you can then have a conversation about how his behaviour is making you feel?

just to add, I tell people I don’t have SM, I do, but use it for specific things not for friendships etc but I do have my husband as a friend on my accounts.

if you follow/AirTag etc and mess it up then he’ll hide it more if he’s cheating. To be posting on here you have a gut feeling. Are you normally a suspicious accusatory type of person? Or are you normally trusting of others?

If he has an iPhone then an AirTag will notify him on his phone so it's a risky move.

If you have the money then PI to me would be safest option as you won't get spotted.

Why might he not be going next week if he goes every week?

I think it's dodgy as fuck.

I've worked in universities for years including in research.

Weekly research meetings are a thing and they are often first thing in the morning. I would not expect people to check WhatsApp or reply to messages while they were in a meeting. In fact I'd find that very rude.

They would never be that long though, just an hour or so. Though any group leader (or anyone else) who scheduled a regular meeting for Friday morning would be very unpopular.

They could be having a long meeting and going for lunch afterwards, that would make sense.

It's that your husband is a known cheater that changes the view. If he said "yeah it's a long strenuous meeting every week, we de-stress with a team lunch afterwards" it would be different, but the vagueness is a concern.

Bookworm, that's exactly the scenario I am worrying about and which, to be honest, is the most likely and I won't know about by following him as I can't go into the building. He doesn't make any effort at all on Friday mornings and often goes in unshowered (!). Even weirder if that he often wants sex on Friday mornings. Sorry if TMI. I will have a think about ways I could check. I definitely can't turn up at his work unless of course I bite the bullet and confront it. I could go and wait outside and text him to say, hi, I was just shopping nearby, want to pop out and say hi? That might catch him.

I might be missing something but if he is in a research group meeting then he won't be checking his phone during that time.
Does he teach something obscure and that's why he doesn't seem keen to talk about it?

If it is London there must be a Mumsnetter who would try the following for you?

He doesn't have an iphone but it's still too risky as good chance he'll find it. It's the fact that it's most Friday mornings is what's suspicious. Any other day then I really don't think I would notice. On the other side, if he is having an affair, he knows I am suspicious about Fridays so why wouldn't he switch days? I kind of feel like if I have to go to the trouble of hiring a PI to follow him then I may as well accept the relationship is over. Realistically, will I get concrete proof that he is cheating?

That's a very narrow minded approach. You don't know the man, the context, or the circumstances around this.

Maybe OP was the OW

I never check my phone when I am in academic meetings, unless I am totally bored by what's going on in the meeting and hopefully his research fully engages him. Also, just because there are no lectures sometimes doesn't mean that academics aren't expected to work. However, that he has form for sleeping with students would give me pause for further thought.

No I wasn't

Buy an air tag and pop it in his bag

Maybe he goes for a spa every Friday 😄.

Who would meet with an OW unshowered?? I don't think he's having an affair

I've often thought this. The amount of posts about women not sure what their dh's are up to and can't check it our because of dc at home or no car etc. I reckon with mumsnet we could have an entire PI network covering the uk of women who would be like 'yep i'm nearby, chuck me a tenner for a drink and i'll see where he goes/what he does' 😁
I mean no one investigates things deeper than women on a mission.