Suspicions about DH - am I being paranoid?

[winterrabbit]

DH and I have been together for 12 years, married for 7 and have 1 child together and 2 older kids each from previous marriages. We've had ups and downs but overall we have a fairly passionate relationship (sex a few times a week) and I think love each other. DH has a very flexible teaching (at university) job, however, nearly every Friday morning he claims he has a meeting and disappears from around 9.30 to 2pm when he resurfaces. It could be completely innocent but he never checks his phone during that time (I can see from whatsapp) and goes every week even out of term time when there are no lectures. He's always quite vague when I ask him where he is doing and says it's a meeting to do with his research group (which I know exists) but I am still suspicious as it's always Friday mornings and he is always completely offline. By way of background, DH's had a long affair with another woman during his last marriage who was a student (a mature student) at his uni which is raising my suspicions. I did try to pin him down about the meetings once but he got angry that I was suspicious and said I had no reason to be. What do I do? Let is go?

@winterrabbit why dont you get his boxers on friday when he has changed and send them away for testing to an independent lab. also give something with your dna on it. they can tell how many different types of dna are on the inside of the boxer shorts!

@winterrabbit please come back in the near future and let us all know what you have done and discovered x

It is of course completely possible that he's having both an affair and a Friday morning research meeting!

The bottom line is, OP, you don't trust him. I'm not going to say 'what did you expect given his history', but nevertheless you are clearly highly suspicious of his behaviours, you don't believe that he's where he says he us, and you are contemplating following him/tagging him/whatever.

My personal feeling is that a marriage without trust is pointless, regardless of whether that lack of trust turns out to be justified or not. The damage is already done.

What is his research group researching? Is it something they would use a lab for in which case he would want to be there and part of the action?

I would take a huge interest in his research project and in the mean time check his phone/emails.

Do they have a group whatsapp chat for example.

Please tell me this is a joke post, @2jacqi ?

Calm the fuck down. It's not a soap opera, leaving you waiting for the next instalment.

Just an idea, but if he wants sex on Friday mornings, could you put something on a finger (lipstick for example) and during sex rub your hands over his back. When he comes home and gets changed you'll be able to see if he's showered whilst he was out.

Sorry but this is getting quite amusing. Great suggestions but not sure I have the energy to check-up on him unless I have a quiet work day and can be bothered to follow-up or turn up outside. I'll just have to continue having niggling doubts as I can't prove or disprove either way. I don't think he's having a full-blown affair as I am sure they'd be other signs but at the same time I think his behaviour is a bit weird or he's a bit daft to be so obvious.

Unfortunately I don't think the lack of shower or time or strength of the relationship says anything at all.

As an "Ok looking single woman", the behaviour of lots of "nice married men" in the workplace in terms of "fishing around for options" is appalling.

If they hear a woman has had a relationship breakdown and/or is vaguely available and there's ANY small chance of engineering something and getting their dick wet, ..they're in there. They'll go for everyone until they get a hit. Numbers game.

The "had a mutual dating situation with a mature student after marriage ended" story sounds like a cover for "I target everyone, and this is just in case you hear about the story from someone else".

And they don't give a damn what their colleagues think (or their colleagues will cover for them. Or they don't care if there's gossip as it reflects negatively on the woman, not them).

and yes, these guys talk about their kids, and clearly would have a lot to lose financially if their marriage broke down...It doesn't matter.

They don't have to be in love with the woman, or her to be a great beauty or have any special time together....just have the opportunity and time.

They're not wandering around like Hugh Hefner with Playboy vibes. Many of them are geeky and work focussed.

And yes, a clinch on a Friday morning might be something they scheduled in.

I have worked in a uni & this doesn’t sound remotely suspicious to me but I guess he has form & there are maybe a few different things causing you to be suspicious. I also agree some of these suggestions sound completely bonkers!

I genuinely don’t understand why you think him having a weekly meeting is odd.

Do you work?
Do you not have regular days?

If his meetings were all over the place and he was all of a sudden needing to go away for nights etc then I’d understand but there’s literally nothing odd about this.

He's seeing sex workers

Yes, I work full time and have regularly weekly or biweekly or monthly meetings but I don't have to be in the office for them. We have a hybrid working policy, as do most companies, so we can WFH 2 days a week, usually Monday and Friday.

Not read the whole thread but

What FairyMaclary · Today 13:13
said.

We have a hybrid working policy, as do most companies,

Most companies do not have a hybrid working policy.

OP, you have ignored those of us saying that regular on-site meetings like this are completely normal in his line of work (which we are familiar with) and it’s also normal not to answer your phone while they are in progress.

OTOH there’s been an avalanche of suggestions to follow him, tag him, phone his colleagues, set up fake SM accounts etc. and you are lapping them up.

It seems clear that you have made your mind up that he is up to something and isn’t going to a research meeting. You may be right but the info you’ve given us only says that he could absolutely legitimately be going to meetings, or he could be lying, but there’s nothing except his past behaviour to suggest he is lying. Maybe you’ll hire a PI or randomly turn up at his workplace (which would look very weird) or maybe you’ll just seethe. But it’s a shame that you still don’t accept that things are different in industries that work differently from yours.

Have to admit, this was my thought too.

Generally from what I know a SW will ask the client to shower before at their premises/hotel. So sorry to be graphic, but he may want sex first thing to slow things down for his “appointment”.

I hope this is completely wrong OP, but it happened to a close friend of mine.

I have not ignored those comments at all. I can only go with my gut instinct as to what feels weird/suspicious and I have acknowledged throughout that there could be a legitimate explanation. I have not made up my mind about anything but have acknowledged that I am unlikely to find out either way so have to be comfortable having doubts about him.

There’s nothing suspicious in itself about a weekly in person meeting with your research group on a Friday morning, you sound very paranoid to me. Clearly you don’t trust your husband, rightly or wrongly but that’s an issue that needs to be resolved for the sake of your marriage. Maybe relationship counselling? I do some work at a uni and I’d be surprised if calling reception would be any help as it’s not like an office the receptionists don’t have access to all academics calendars (in my experience anyway).

It's a remote possibility. Unlikely but not impossible. I would be surprised he could get there and back in that time and it isn't very him if you know what I mean. I could be wrong. The friendship/flirting with a colleague is more likely I think or it could be that it's nothing. If he is having an affair then he's a complete psycho as he came back at 3 completely normal.

If it was a long-running Research Group Meeting, surely at some point he'd have mentioned what it's about, who is in it. What the general gist is (even if just to have a moan).

These things generally have the same faces and workplace petty issues going on and aren't exactly meant to be top secret, unless you're married to Oppenheimer or James Bond. He wouldn't have been shot for treason for giving a bit more information about them.

Is it only before these meetings that he wants sex or is it every/most morning?
If it's just before the meetings then it's very odd

He has mentioned his research group before but never mentions what the Friday meeting is about specifically or with who

Hire a PI, then you’ll know one way or the other.

I know you said he gets defensive and you worry about the trust having been built up… but why don’t you ask him in a relaxed kind of way? Tell me about the research group, I’d love to know more about it.. Who’s on the team? If he get snarky, he’s not really being v reasonable to be fair.

Its almost a day a week out of his life, so I think it’s natural you’d be interested.

I work at a uni and no administrator would ever have a clue where I was so that would not work. Unless he has a personal PA (which would only be if he is a dean or head of school or something), you aren't going to get a receptionist who knows whether he is in or where is. That's not how unis work.