Suspicions about DH - am I being paranoid?

[winterrabbit]

DH and I have been together for 12 years, married for 7 and have 1 child together and 2 older kids each from previous marriages. We've had ups and downs but overall we have a fairly passionate relationship (sex a few times a week) and I think love each other. DH has a very flexible teaching (at university) job, however, nearly every Friday morning he claims he has a meeting and disappears from around 9.30 to 2pm when he resurfaces. It could be completely innocent but he never checks his phone during that time (I can see from whatsapp) and goes every week even out of term time when there are no lectures. He's always quite vague when I ask him where he is doing and says it's a meeting to do with his research group (which I know exists) but I am still suspicious as it's always Friday mornings and he is always completely offline. By way of background, DH's had a long affair with another woman during his last marriage who was a student (a mature student) at his uni which is raising my suspicions. I did try to pin him down about the meetings once but he got angry that I was suspicious and said I had no reason to be. What do I do? Let is go?

Maybe! I know, and have sex beforehand, unless he's completely crazy.

God, totally! Let's do it!

I mean, I have friends I could ask but they'd think I am totally mad as most of my friends think he's wonderful.

Do you know his Apple ID password so you could do find my iPhone without family sharing? If not can you not ask for it in a laid back way. Like a purchase you made on your child's iPad isn't working, you'll just quickly log in on his Apple ID and try to retrieve your purchase or some excuse?

DO NOT let him know your on to him, and give him time to hide his tracks. Very little men confess of cheating. Even with evidence they gaslight and try to worm their way out of it.

How about a car tracker? I've not used this method, so I'm not clued up, but I've seen people on here use them effectively.

Have you tried just simply going through his phone to find your answers? If he has an iPhone you can go in to settings > battery and then view how long he's spent on what app, and what time and day. Have a look on Fridays between the times he's saying he's busy?

id just go through his phone as soon as I got the opportunity. It's really not invading someone's privacy when they have a history of cheating and have no problem making their wife look like a mug.

how about calling the uni and pretending to be someone else and asking to speak to "mr so&so" whatever his name is? And say it's a student or parent and it's urgent or whoever you can think off. See if the secretary says he's in a meeting at the moment? Or you could say does he have a meeting at the moment or is he available to speak, as if he's in a meeting I can wait? 😂

Sorry I probably sound crazy but I've been in your shoes and knew something wasn't right but DH covered his tracks well, so I had to go the lengths to find the evidence. And it drives you crazy 🤣

Is he always vague about work? Some people just don't want to explain it all to an outsider. If it's just sex, it sounds like he's spending quite a long time on it or maybe it's the only day the AP works there. As for him wanting sex on Friday mornings, could that actually be that he is in the mood because he is anticipating pleasure to come? Or are there just random mornings he wants sex and you are just noticing when it's Fridays?

Even if you pinned him down (metaphorically!) and insisted he tell you what he does on Fridays, you'd be none the wiser, since he will just tell you about work-related matters. And by following him, unless he went somewhere unexpected, you also wouldn't learn anything.

Really, if you don't trust him, what kind of a relationship do you have?

The question is does he come back showered? He may not shower if hes meeting in a hotel, because he can shower there and also would throw the OP off.
However, thats a bit of a stretch.
Its probably just a meeting OP. But your gut is telling you something is not quite adding up. I am a firm believer in listening to your gut now I'm old and crabby and it has yet to let me down.

All the posters saying 'follow him' and 'put an air tag in his bag' make me really uncomfortable. I understand the wanting to know but IMO not trusting him doesn't give you the right to do that. It's an enormous breach of trust and privacy. Imagine if he's not cheating and he finds out!

My ex constantly accused me of cheating (I wasn't) and it progressed to him following me, and possibly tagging me with GPS since I have no idea how he found me in some places. It was absolutely awful and I still feel paranoid about it sometimes now.

I work in a Uni within a research group and we also have a meeting every week where we discuss general business matters and then one of the group presents their work and then we discuss it. I also have my phone off as if someone is presenting you don't want it ringing. So he could maybe be telling the truth!

I don’t know what’s involved with Uni research - maybe it’s too secret to divulge what the research is? But do you and your DH never talk about work or work colleagues at all?
My DH and I will often exchange info about meetings we’ve been in like ‘ so and so said this and xyz person disagreed - it was awkward’ or the project progress on xyz side was slower than expected so it’s impacted me in x way’ or ‘ my boss told us this today’ - do you ever have this type of conversation ? He doesn’t know any of these people but it’s just end of the day chat.

No, I don't think he does. God, I hadn't thought about the possibility of him meeting someone in a hotel and showering first. That is indeed a possibility.

Another weird thing is that he sometimes (not on Fridays) puts on a new shirt at work which I find odd as I never change my top at work.

I don't follow your reasoning. Why is Friday any different?

Research meetings are usually on the same day each week so that people can plan their work around them. Everyone is expected to turn up. In most of the research environments I've been in, the meeting would be followed by a trip to the cafe.

You also mentioned "even during the holidays when there are no lectures". Research work is done every week of the year, it doesn't stop for vacations and it has nothing to do with lectures. In fact researchers can be busier during vacations, because the students aren't around and researchers who have a teaching workload can focus on their research.

Your don't trust him because he's shown himself to be untrustworthy, I get that. But apart from having these meetings at a time people usually do not like, I don't see anything weird about him going in every Friday.

Have you asked him about them? Even to say oh dear, a meeting every Friday is a bit much isn't it, how do people feel about it? Does it have to be every week? And see if he explains.

Yes, we have chats like that a lot but he doesn't usually say much about the Friday meeting.

Yes, I have done exactly that, including this morning, saying can't you dial in, itsn't it a pain to have to go in on Fridays and he usually agrees, ums and ahhs then goes in anyway. Even weirder today as he was trying to make an excuse about picking something up for me to justify going in. As you say, it may be completely legitimate but I am comparing it to my job (prof services in the city) where Friday is always a WFH day and every meeting I have always has a Teams link. Meetings where everyone has to be physically in the office are very very rare.

TBH, if it's got to a point in your relationship that you would seriously consider following/tracking him, hiring a PI, then the trust is gone and your relationship is over.

Yes I can join a PI network channel my inner Miss Marple.
I hope you aren't too worried OP?

That is what has stopped me pursuing it so far. And on the basis that it's unlikely I will get conclusive evidence. I think I have accepted that I don't trust him and need to assume something has gone on/is gong on and can I live with that.

Regarding social media, set up accounts in a different name etc to yours. You'll find him then if he is on there x

@Somatosensational

I’m sorry you had a suspicious ex. And yes it sucks that I have said get a PI. But it sounds like your ex was always accusing you without reason. He was a suspicious type (which is not a good partner). Some people are like that. (Often because they are cheating). Always accusing you of flirting (even with the window cleaner or the man at McDonald’s) telling you your skirt is too short or why are you wearing makeup to go to the corner shop. Ive had an ex like that. He was like that with all partners - he was paranoid.

But If you had cheated on the father of you two kids and had a long term affair with your student behind your ex husbands back. Then had long meetings weekly and being arsey when you questioned it and this was the only time he had ever been paranoid I think it’s a bit different. It sounds like op isn’t a suspicious type and is struggling with the privacy aspect of snooping.

But stds (hiv and hpv and others) are real risks.

I followed a friends husband for her while she was stuck at home with four kids.
He parked up around a corner, then walked down at street, I was walking down the other side, just behind him.
He knocks on door and of course this young woman opens it and he steps inside.
I ring friend and tell her where he is, she knows the address as it’s one of her friends.
She gets a babysitter, walks in as they hadn’t locked the door and confronts them.

@winterrabbit - I can't tell you what is going on but I can say my brother does research for a university and has to go in for regular F2F meetings - not WFH . This may be entirely different , but just one point.

I can’t believe what I’m reading - trackers, air tags, following him, private investigators!!

Some of you sound bloody unhinged!

There is absolutely nothing dodgy about having a meeting at the same time every week and not checking your phone.

No wonder he is sketchy with the details because you over analyse everything he says and does.

You chose to be with a cheater.
You cannot now act like a psycho because you’re paranoid he’ll do it again.

I'd pretend to be really ill one Friday morning and call him and tell him he has to come home and drive me to the hospital or something

Then see what happens

Exactly this!

I'm generally really suspicious and cynical about men but this doesn't sound like an affair to me OP. The fact that he goes unshowered, the specific, unchanging timing of it and that he hasn't tried to cover his tracks by changing anything when you've questioned it just don't add up to infidelity to me.

From his reaction I suspect either it genuinely is a research meeting and he's got a bit of bee in his bonnet about being questioned (because he feels he's worked hard to earn your trust etc) so is coming across as defensive. Or, he is going somewhere he doesn't want you to know about (I would also have said AA/GA/therapy although I know you said unlikely, could be something else he wants to keep private) its just not an affair or anything that impacts your relationship.

I'm someone who has had to work really hard on my trust issues but we all need, and are entitled to, some degree of privacy in our lives. If I can't trust my partner enough to go about his life without having to account for every hour of his day then that's not a healthy dynamic for either of us. Sometimes we have to make a choice to either trust without definitive evidence or accept that we can't and reassess the relationship with that in mind. I'm not usually anti-snooping, I believe everyone has the right to know if they're being betrayed or deceived, I'm just not sure it's the right thing to do in this case.

Phone the uni during the time you know he will be 'in his meeting'.
Don't underestimate how helpful a receptionist can be!
"Sorry Mrs. Smith I can't disturb him as he is in a meeting" = suspicions gone
"Sorry Mrs. Smith he is not here today?" = follow him the nxt time/pay for a PI
Good luck x