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Original poster

Suspicions about DH - am I being paranoid?

463 replies

winterrabbit · 12/01/2024 12:04

DH and I have been together for 12 years, married for 7 and have 1 child together and 2 older kids each from previous marriages. We've had ups and downs but overall we have a fairly passionate relationship (sex a few times a week) and I think love each other. DH has a very flexible teaching (at university) job, however, nearly every Friday morning he claims he has a meeting and disappears from around 9.30 to 2pm when he resurfaces. It could be completely innocent but he never checks his phone during that time (I can see from whatsapp) and goes every week even out of term time when there are no lectures. He's always quite vague when I ask him where he is doing and says it's a meeting to do with his research group (which I know exists) but I am still suspicious as it's always Friday mornings and he is always completely offline. By way of background, DH's had a long affair with another woman during his last marriage who was a student (a mature student) at his uni which is raising my suspicions. I did try to pin him down about the meetings once but he got angry that I was suspicious and said I had no reason to be. What do I do? Let is go?

OP posts:
JustWalkingTheDogs · 28/01/2025 15:11

I remember your thread and you got lots of advice, you're here again and will likely get the same advice. You need to follow him, get a friend to do it or a PI. It's clear you won't get anywhere tying yourself in knots or asking him.

SecondUsername4me · 28/01/2025 15:12

I don't know if I could be arsed trying to work this out. He is clearly a twat.

I'd just start divorce proceedings.

Original poster
winterrabbit · 28/01/2025 15:15

Oh god, so I messaged him on WhatsApp and he replied within about 10 minutes but his responses were a bit delayed so I called him and he was out of the office. He picked up but he was clearly really flustered. He claimed he was grabbing a sandwich (he looked like he was a few streets away) but I have a really bad feeling that he was with someone as he then hung up and didn't pick up when I called him back three times. He said he couldn't answer in the rain. I confronted him that he is having an affair. He denied everything, of course. I just don't believe him.

OP posts:
Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 28/01/2025 15:19

winterrabbit · 28/01/2025 15:15

Oh god, so I messaged him on WhatsApp and he replied within about 10 minutes but his responses were a bit delayed so I called him and he was out of the office. He picked up but he was clearly really flustered. He claimed he was grabbing a sandwich (he looked like he was a few streets away) but I have a really bad feeling that he was with someone as he then hung up and didn't pick up when I called him back three times. He said he couldn't answer in the rain. I confronted him that he is having an affair. He denied everything, of course. I just don't believe him.

What now ?

Original poster
winterrabbit · 28/01/2025 15:21

Going to tell him he has to move out.

OP posts:
Secondstart1001 · 28/01/2025 15:39

Did You FaceTime him to know he was a few streets away?

CandyLeBonBon · 28/01/2025 16:58

winterrabbit · 28/01/2025 15:21

Going to tell him he has to move out.

Do you know he's definitely having an affair then? I hope you're ok.

Original poster
winterrabbit · 28/01/2025 17:09

Secondstart1001 · 28/01/2025 15:39

Did You FaceTime him to know he was a few streets away?

Yes, he put it on Facetime but I couldn't really tell where he was. I think he was close to his office. He has now come home and explained that he met with his daughter for coffee and shown me messages to prove it. I still don't understand why he wouldn't answer my call in front of her and had to go outside and then pretended he had just popped out to Pret. Why would he do that?

OP posts:
Secondstart1001 · 28/01/2025 17:12

@winterrabbit I am really not sure. On this instance you might have caught him doing something innocent but I read all of your original post last year and there is something in your gut that doesn’t trust him, Trust your gut… hire a PI but get them to do their work in a months time as I imagine if he’s up to anything he will be lying low until he feels you have forgotten about it?

larkstar · 28/01/2025 17:35

"By way of background, DH's had a long affair with another woman during his last marriage who was a student (a mature student) at his uni which is raising my suspicions."

I did ask before but autocorrect mauled my question to death. Were the university ever made aware of the affair with a student? (I'm not sure whether "mature" has any bearing on the matter of care of duty as you can still argue that he may be exploiting/abusing his position as the lecturer). Through his own behaviour he is putting you in a horrible but IMHO perfectly avoidable position - that of not knowing what is going on. Sure you can get a PI but why not go straight to the university and put your concerns to them - about the previous affair and your current concerns - surely they have a duty to look into this - it would seem to me to be unwise at the very least, if they were to completely ignore your concerns - and if your DH is going to get upset about that (if he becomes aware of questions, hopefully being asked discretely in order to establish if there is anything they should be concerned about) - basically - it's all on him for being such an a*hole. All's fair in love and war imho.

maclen · 28/01/2025 17:38

This has been going on for a year... why haven't you checked his phone? Or gone to his work to see what he's up to? Bizarre lol

Utterknowitall · 28/01/2025 17:40

winterrabbit · 28/01/2025 17:09

Yes, he put it on Facetime but I couldn't really tell where he was. I think he was close to his office. He has now come home and explained that he met with his daughter for coffee and shown me messages to prove it. I still don't understand why he wouldn't answer my call in front of her and had to go outside and then pretended he had just popped out to Pret. Why would he do that?

Show quote history

He hasn't used his daughter's name against someone else's number, in his phone ,has he?

CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee · 28/01/2025 17:41

We were in a restaurant in a really tight table/bench kind of set up and there was a striking lady sat next to me. DH literally turned his whole body to face her and couldn't stop looking past me at her. WFT do you do in those situations? So rude and disrespectful

Not to mention spectacularly creepy and intrusive for the poor woman next to you. Dear God, he's turning my stomach from here. Hire a PI if you must, but I don't think there's much doubt that there's something unpleasant going on with this furtive specimen you're currently married to.

TwigletsAndRadishes · 28/01/2025 17:43

If this friday meeting is regular as clockwork, term time or not as you say, then it should be pretty easy to follow him or turn up to where he is supposed to be and find out for yourself.

mindutopia · 28/01/2025 18:12

Christ, I have to say that moving out might be the best thing that ever happened to him. I think I’d be pretty pissed off if Dh was tracking my movements like this. I’m also a lecturer. Two days in the office is the minimum expectation these days. Our university says 3 but not everyone does it. Many of us worked remotely pre-COVID and have continued. If I was in the office, I wouldn’t be on bloody WhatsApp. I’d be working and talking with my actual colleagues. I regularly ignore dh for hours. He does not think I’m cheating. Nor does he think I’m cheating because I don’t want to have a phone conversation when I’m getting a sandwich with someone at Pret.

These are all completely normal activities on the face of it. Now yes, there is a backstory (one you knew when you married him surely). But none of this behaviour is out of order on his part, bar the gross ogling of other women.

He’d surely be in pretty big trouble professionally if he was spending the best part of 2 working days a week off shagging someone instead of fulfilling his contracted office hours, right? If he’s not being professionally disciplined in all this time, more than likely he is where he is expected to be during the working day. Are you normally a very anxious catastrophising person?

IkeaJesusChrist · 28/01/2025 18:49

I'm sorry but apart from being a weirdo what's he actually done?

BirthdayRainbow · 28/01/2025 19:22

Trust your gut. I used to ring my h and I always sensed he wasn't alone amd could hear women's voices. He now has a new girlfriend. It's not exactly the same but I tell you to say, trust your gut.

Original poster
winterrabbit · 28/01/2025 19:41

mindutopia · 28/01/2025 18:12

Christ, I have to say that moving out might be the best thing that ever happened to him. I think I’d be pretty pissed off if Dh was tracking my movements like this. I’m also a lecturer. Two days in the office is the minimum expectation these days. Our university says 3 but not everyone does it. Many of us worked remotely pre-COVID and have continued. If I was in the office, I wouldn’t be on bloody WhatsApp. I’d be working and talking with my actual colleagues. I regularly ignore dh for hours. He does not think I’m cheating. Nor does he think I’m cheating because I don’t want to have a phone conversation when I’m getting a sandwich with someone at Pret.

These are all completely normal activities on the face of it. Now yes, there is a backstory (one you knew when you married him surely). But none of this behaviour is out of order on his part, bar the gross ogling of other women.

He’d surely be in pretty big trouble professionally if he was spending the best part of 2 working days a week off shagging someone instead of fulfilling his contracted office hours, right? If he’s not being professionally disciplined in all this time, more than likely he is where he is expected to be during the working day. Are you normally a very anxious catastrophising person?

Edited

I am not expecting him to be online for hours but it's noticeable that on some days he goes into the office he is not online for 5 or 6 hours. I work in an office, have a lot of meetings, conferences etc and I can guarantee you that everyone will do a quick check of their phone in a long meeting to check no disasters with kids, schools, whatever. The way life is now everyone is connected.

You may trust your husband but would that be the case if he had cheated on his ex for 2 years? Maybe I was in love with him and took a chance but it doesn't stop me having doubts.

Any why lie about being with his daughter today? Why not just say, I am meeting X for a coffee, then I wouldn't have even questioned it. Instead he lies and says he is getting lunch from Pret. If he is innocent then he's pretty stupid to lie for no reason.

As for working his contracted hours, he only has 1 day of lectures (not today) and I certainly don't think anyone is monitoring whether he is fulfilling his contracted hours or not and, even if they were, I wouldn't know about it.

Moving out may be the best thing for him (your words) and for me as I don't think I can trust him. We have a six year old who will be very impacted.

OP posts:
Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 28/01/2025 20:04

@winterrabbit op
none of it is adding up.
Peopel on here are saying your are bad and accusing and this is what a dh /partner would do if they were cheating /up to something. They would turn it around on you.
I say that you go with your gutt. You are living this life not us .
You didn’t just get up one day and think you dh was cheating .

Oh just a thought.
have you checked the number he has linked to his daughter pic and chat is the right number for her ?

Have you asked him to move out ? How many more years of dis trust and his respect for women do you what in your life ?

OhwhyOY · 28/01/2025 21:06

I can guarantee you that everyone will do a quick check of their phone in a long meeting to check no disasters with kids, schools, whatever. The way life is now everyone is connected.

Not true for me on a busy work day. Some days I do some days I don't depending on what's going on, and likely if you checked my history on certain days of the week it may be much more likely I wouldn't check as in back to back regular meetings on those days.

Nonetheless I thought previously his behaviour sounded suspicious, and with your latest update even more so. Either end the relationship now because if isn't a relationship if you can't trust him, or get a PI/follow him to get the proof you need. Don't just leave it or you'll be posting the same again in a year.

jolies1 · 28/01/2025 21:21

Do you get on with his daughter?

Is there a chance he has a regular coffee meeting with her, and doesn’t tell you as it causes hassle?

My dad used to fib to his wife about seeing me as she used to pester him about it so much.

GiddyRobin · 29/01/2025 01:21

Did you see previous messages from his daughter? My possibly cynical mind plus the odd behaviour says he may well have someone else's number under her name.

Very quick read though, I read this last year but just caught the update.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 29/01/2025 07:36

Did you ask him why he pretended he had popped out to Pret instead of just answering the phone in front of his daughter?

That seems really weird, especially then going to great lengths to tell you he was with his daughter and showing you texts to prove it....

I agree with PP I bet those texts weren't from his daughter.

MustyDooDah · 29/01/2025 13:55

My own DH was cheating and there was zeeeero clue. If your senses are telling you something, I’d listen to them. A bigger flag would actually have been if I’d noticed how much time he was spending online on WhatsApp.

Do you ever have access to his phone? I no longer have it working, but I discovered that you can add a second phone with the same WhatsApp number. I used my work phone as the secondary phone and for a short period I was able to see every WhatsApp he received. I know that’s such a shady thing to do, but I was out of my mind with grief and distress at the time.

Disturbia81 · 29/01/2025 13:57

Lemsipper · 12/01/2024 12:47

Why someone would marry someone who was a sleaze who had an affair with his student I do not know. Of course this man can’t be trusted OP. Sleazy & grim

Yep, it's in them to do that. Grin

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