DH behaviour. Don't know what to do

[SoSoSad12309]

Name change for this one.

Some of you may remember me posting last year sometime about my husband going out one night to meet a friend for a beer in the pub and I woke up in the early hours he was not home. He was not answering his phone, then came stumbling in hours later. He had been drinking and drove 30 minute drive home.

Obviously I was disgusted and so angry.
I forgave him and we moved on.

Well. He has done it again.
He went out last night to meet his brother for a beer and some pub grub, Plan was for that then to drive home.

Again, I woke in the early hours he was not home. Calling and calling and calling his phone no answer. He stumbled in at 5:30AM!!!!! Pissed out of his face, he drove home, again approx 30 minute drive.

I feel absolutely sick to my stomach.
He said they got carried away in the pub then went back to his brothers flat for drinks and to play darts. When i left for work this morning he had called in sick to work and was throwing up in the toilet.

Safe to say I went mad. I was shouting at him, you should be ashamed of yourself, you are disgusting etc etc. Why do I now feel bad for the way I spoke to him!? what is wrong with me. I am ashamed to say by 6 year old son heard this which kills me.

Other than this, we honestly are good. We have a great family life, 2 young children, both earn decent money. He is a hands on, present dad. I love him to bits and he loves me......... but how can i forgive this behaviour. I am not sure I can.... But i do love him =(

It makes it harder as the rest of our marriage is good. We have had ups and downs over the years of course but we are in a good place! or so i thought.

He shows me respect day to day and is kind and considerate but then does this which shows absolutely ZERO respect for me. What if he killed someone, or himself!

If he lost his license he would lose his job and we would be fucked! (high mortgage, high bills).

I am at a loss and I don't know what to do. Please be kind, I cant take any bashing right now.

Fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me.

You warned him the first time. He has done it again. he has put other road users who also have families and lives at huge risk. he is so drunk he cant go into work. that is appalling. if he is going out on a session he has to take a cab and leave the car at home. you have to have that as a rule from now on. and next time, because there will be a next time, call the police with his reg number and shop him. because unless he is actually stopped he will cause an accident. He wont behave responsibily so you have to. believe me you will be tarred with the same brush if he has an accident. people will ask why you didnt stop him it will be awful for you.

and dont underestimate the effect of this on your child. my sd used to do this and it was horrible hearing the shouting and the drunkeness and then getting the remorse. just bloody horrible.

You must act this time. At best he is untrustworthy and at worse a potential killer. Report him to the police and take steps to leave.

How would you feel if your 6yo son was hit and killed by a drunk driver? Or if your dh killed someone? Paying bills is the least of your concerns.
No excuses whatsoever for his disgraceful behaviour.

This is not just driving after a drink, it’s driving whilst totally drunk. My friend was married to a man who did this - she only found the strength to leave him when he did it with her kids (not her) in the car. Luckily they were fine but you can’t risk the fact that next time could be tragic.

You gave him a pass the first time so I wouldn’t be letting this go. That’d be it for me I’m afraid, marching orders and a call to the police. He put others and himself at serious risk and clearly isn’t thinking of you or his child at all! Imagine how awful you’d feel if he does this again and kills someone. You’d never ever be able to forgive yourself for not taking action.

Absolutely. This isn’t someone who has had half a lager over the limit - not that I’m excusing that btw - but he’s absolutely paralytic drink to the point of vomiting and driven a dangerous weapon - which a car is. Why not crash on his brothers sofa? Surely that would be what most people would do in these circumstances

As a PP said fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me.

If you let this go again you’re telling him he can keep doing it and you’ll shout but ultimately forgive him.

Do you even believe he was with his brother all night? This kind of recklessness hints at other poor behaviour.

I don't think I could possibly move past this. What he has done, TWICE, is totally inexcusable and reprehensible.

I think he may some very serious issues you aren't aware of.

My neighbours boyfriend drink drives regularly. She knows about it.
I judge her for staying with him almost as much as I judge him.

By staying you are telling him that his behaviour is acceptable.

If you stay with him knowing what he does, then you're COMPLICIT.

I think you need to report him to the police. Things could get much worse than him losing his job if he ever does it again.

I don't think op interested at all in leaving him the love and everything else speaks volumes wether that be a good decision or not.

Only other way around it is to take his car away bar when you're there to supervise also very ridiculous but only practical thing I can think of.

He has a drinking problem. Make him go to an AA meeting and tell the group what he did, twice. Tell him it's not negotiable.

He clearly cannot go out "for a drink" without running the risk of getting completely wasted AND getting behind the wheel.

There's no point in reporting him to the police. They have to catch him in the act in order to charge him with DUI.

Ring AA and find your nearest meeting taking place today.

Honestly I'd call the police and tell them. He could kill someone. Why would your mortgage be worth more to you, than someone's life?

wtf is wrong with the brother for letting him get behind the wheel plastered. Thing is, the first time he was very fortunate not to have killed someone else or himself. I’m assuming this has emboldened him plus the fact OP swept it under the carpet as a one-off. He needs a short sharp shock.

Because it’s clearly more important to maintain some sort of standards than care about the impact of drinking and driving x

I’m not sure I could actually be in a relationship with someone who drives drunk.

But it sounds like you’re not going to end things, because everything else is good.

So how about a compromise where he doesn’t take his car keys with him when he goes out?

Tell him you’ll drop him off and then he can get a taxi home or stay somewhere else.

Difficult situation. I certainly wouldn't leave my husband over this, but I'd be upset/angry at him.

F

This is so upsetting and scary for you, OP. I would start by having a calm conversation when he is sober. Does he accept what he's done and the seriousness of it? What steps does he think he needs to take now in order to never do this again?

I would base my next moves based off of this conversation. Ideally, he initiates the conversation, admits his recklessness, expresses genuine remorse, volunteers to stop drinking (this may involve admitting to a drink problem and finding outside support) and asks you what you need from him in order to start rebuilding trust.

If he cannot admit the problem and commit to changing, you have to make the decision whether this is something you can live with. Unlike pp, I wouldn't hold you responsible for his actions. But I would think that if he refuses to commit to change, you will feel responsible for stopping him driving etc. And clearly others will blame you, and maybe you’ll blame yourself. Do you want to live that way?

report to police. If he goes to the pub at all then make him take a taxi.

if this was anyone else but DH you would call the police, stop protecting him and call the police before he kills somebody and you have it on your conscience

What has he got to say for himself? Is he mortified and saying he won’t do it again?

Make him watch Time on bbc!
don’t let him take the car when he goes out.

If my partner did this once I would be so angry, a second time is beyond taking the P.. I would leave him

I couldn't be with someone so selfish to drink drive especially repeatedly. Does he know care that he could kill someone's parent or child. Selfish selfish man