DH behaviour. Don't know what to do

[SoSoSad12309]

Name change for this one.

Some of you may remember me posting last year sometime about my husband going out one night to meet a friend for a beer in the pub and I woke up in the early hours he was not home. He was not answering his phone, then came stumbling in hours later. He had been drinking and drove 30 minute drive home.

Obviously I was disgusted and so angry.
I forgave him and we moved on.

Well. He has done it again.
He went out last night to meet his brother for a beer and some pub grub, Plan was for that then to drive home.

Again, I woke in the early hours he was not home. Calling and calling and calling his phone no answer. He stumbled in at 5:30AM!!!!! Pissed out of his face, he drove home, again approx 30 minute drive.

I feel absolutely sick to my stomach.
He said they got carried away in the pub then went back to his brothers flat for drinks and to play darts. When i left for work this morning he had called in sick to work and was throwing up in the toilet.

Safe to say I went mad. I was shouting at him, you should be ashamed of yourself, you are disgusting etc etc. Why do I now feel bad for the way I spoke to him!? what is wrong with me. I am ashamed to say by 6 year old son heard this which kills me.

Other than this, we honestly are good. We have a great family life, 2 young children, both earn decent money. He is a hands on, present dad. I love him to bits and he loves me......... but how can i forgive this behaviour. I am not sure I can.... But i do love him =(

It makes it harder as the rest of our marriage is good. We have had ups and downs over the years of course but we are in a good place! or so i thought.

He shows me respect day to day and is kind and considerate but then does this which shows absolutely ZERO respect for me. What if he killed someone, or himself!

If he lost his license he would lose his job and we would be fucked! (high mortgage, high bills).

I am at a loss and I don't know what to do. Please be kind, I cant take any bashing right now.

2 other things also are giving big red flags:

1. Why would a family man go out on the lash on a weeknight when he has work the next day and presumably his kid has school. He got so drunk he wasn't able to go to work.

1. Why didn't his brother stop him driving home? Even if his brother was equally drunk he should still have stopped him driving. I've seen folk that are absolutely blootered, wrestle car keys from their drunk friends to stop them drink driving. You don't forget that you can't drive under the influence of drugs or alcohol just because you are drunk. Your judgement may be impaired and your impulse control but you still know not to.

Seems pretty bizarre to me. The guy is a liability regardless of what the truth is about where he was and what he was doing and with whom and if he really was with his brother then his brother is no better. His brother should either have stopped him or called the police to alert them if he physically wasn't able to stop him (and called you into the bargain). I doubt he was with his brother or he would just have stayed there.

I completely disagree with posters saying you need to police him and not leave him. Even worse is the suggestion that you need to stay with him or his drinking will get worse and he will be more of a danger to the public, himself and his children. It is not on you OP to control him. He's a criminal and the law should deal with him. You've said your piece to him. I wouldn't silly myself by giving him any more of my time or energy. He's not a child and you are not his mother. That type of dynamic is a death nail in a relationship anyway. This guy is morally bereft. Get shot of him before he ruins your life. He cannot be trusted and is a total liability. His choices and repeat behaviour speak volumes about the type of guy he is and what he is truly capable of.

All the folk saying "ignore the typical mumsnet LTB posts" have clearly never learned the hard way that staying with a man because it's more convenient/easier than doing the right thing never turns out well for the woman in the long term.

He's a ticking time bomb. Twice he's made it home blind drunk without killing himself or anyone else but the next time ....?

My friends son was only 21 when he was killed by a drunk driver.

I hope your husband has one last drink drive and ends up paralysed from the neck down so that he spends the rest of his life regretting it .

He’ll have no recollection of that drive. For all you or he knows, he did hit something or someone.

I don’t care how ‘honestly good’ you are, a man like that is a fucking disgrace and I’d want him out.

There was an anti drink drive campaign a few years ago (think it was Australian) that is on you tube that features families of people that were killed due to another driver who was drink driving - it is not an easy watch but might be worth him seeing how his actions wouldn’t just affect him & your family but could devastate other people’s lives too.
if he can’t be responsible enough to know he can’t drive after drinking then he needs to stop going out or you need to take his car keys before he leaves and make him take a cab to go out.
I think England needs to have a zero tolerance like Scotland as sometimes people think they can have a few and be ok to still drive, which is so dangerous

OP you're not responding any more - I hope you're not feeling too bashed by all these comments.

You've responded in the right way so far. Going totally apeshit at this behaviour is absolutely a proportionate response.

Personally, I'd sit him down this evening and have a serious talk. Lots of reasonable suggestions already on giving up drinking, never ever driving when he goes out socialising etc. And if he doesn't say the right things, then he has to leave.

He can go to his brother's house. Trial separation until he turns things around.

If this was my husband I would simply take his car keys from him before he went out anywhere where alcohol would be available. It wouldn't even be a discussion, I would leave if he didn't agree.

He has shown you he can not make responsible decisions where alcohol is involved.

Even if he didn't drink whilst drunk I would find it a massive turn off that he has to drink to excess that he's blotto.

There are pots on Mumsnet about people drinking until they vomit or piss themselves, how that is a good night out is something I cannot comprehend.

Did OP say he drove for 30 minutes completely hammered?

I remember your original post.

Everyone told you to leave him; that it would happen again and that next time he might kill someone. You ignored that advice.

Gently, OP, what do you want from this?

The fact is, OP, sooner or later he's going to kill someone or himself. He's a bad example to your children and he has no respect for you.

You can either leave him or you can stay. But I think we both know what you're going to do.

Agreed. Doesn't sound like he was at his brother's.

Also if ever in the future, although I will add God forbid as not something I'd wish on anyone, @Grammarnut or one of your family members has a serious incident happen to them where witness are needed to help find the culprit you'd be fine if those that saw anything never came forward.

He’s staying up until 5ish…..drugs involved too?

This. He leaves the car at home in future.

Op, I'm not one of the LTB brigade on this one, but you do need to contact the police. Realistically they won't do anything, as they can't prove he drove over limit in retrospect. It might be enough to scare your husband into realising you mean business.

I reported my husband to the police when I realised he had got in the car and driven away after drinking. The police got him, and he was banned for 18 months. He got off very lightly fine wise as the judge said my reporting him showed that he had someone at home who had morals, even if he didn't.

I won't lie, the ban affected us financially, and I had to drive everywhere, which was an inconvenience for me, but I couldn't have lived with myself if he had killed or injured someone.

Husband has pretty much stopped drinking, but even when he has had too much to drink he doesn't even consider getting behind the wheel.

So will you only be done when he finally kills someone? How far does your patience go?

Please get him help with his drinking! Let him KNOW that if it EVER happened again that would be the END! Get legal advice in the meantime!

Exactly this.
He has shown, again, that he has no respect for you or for the safety of himself or anyone else. He has set a terrible example to your child, as will you be if you condone this behaviour, again, by staying with him.
Doing something once could be a mistake. Doing it twice is a clear choice.
But like others, sadly I fear you will continue making excuses for staying until the day he does actually kill himself or someone else.

It's on the man to sort his own help for his choice to drink, not the OP.

He has already chosen to drink drive twice, and OP is fine with it and wanting to forgive him, so why would time number three be the deal-breaker?
Legal advice for what?

Read this OP, then read it again. And again.

This is the situation you are in, and you will stay in this situation until he addresses his alcoholism. YOU cannot stop him drinking. Only he can. You must insist he starts addressing his problem. And if he doesn't - well it doesn't matter how good the rest of your marriage is right now, he WILL drag it down, sooner or later. Right now he's a lethal risk to himself and others.

Why do you 'love him to bits'?

I've read many threads on forums where people write posts like these where their DH/DP/DC etc have done something awful/show no respect and I dare say they all "love them to bits" but I expect what they forget to add is that they absolutely hate their behaviour.

Meh. She can't hate it that much since she wants to 'forgive' him yet again.
She's fine with having a repeat drink driver in her house, driving her kid around.

Yep, this.

It possibly won't be the last time he does it, if it is so be it but if he's not even willing to compromise and leave the car at home and get a cab there/back home from the pub in future OPer really does need to consider ending her marriage to him and I'd also make it clear any involvement with DC and ANY alcohol/driving and it'll be solicitors and denial of access unsupervised.

You have to stick to your boundaries, he’s done it twice, your acceptance/forgiveness of the first occasion means it won’t stop

My DB was killed by a drunk driver when he was 16 the heartache and pain this caused was unbearable for my family we will never get over it you’re husband is a disgusting alcoholic who doesn’t care about the lives of others he can’t stop drinking drives when drunk and takes days off work because of drink you should be ashamed of yourself for standing by him