DH behaviour. Don't know what to do

[SoSoSad12309]

Name change for this one.

Some of you may remember me posting last year sometime about my husband going out one night to meet a friend for a beer in the pub and I woke up in the early hours he was not home. He was not answering his phone, then came stumbling in hours later. He had been drinking and drove 30 minute drive home.

Obviously I was disgusted and so angry.
I forgave him and we moved on.

Well. He has done it again.
He went out last night to meet his brother for a beer and some pub grub, Plan was for that then to drive home.

Again, I woke in the early hours he was not home. Calling and calling and calling his phone no answer. He stumbled in at 5:30AM!!!!! Pissed out of his face, he drove home, again approx 30 minute drive.

I feel absolutely sick to my stomach.
He said they got carried away in the pub then went back to his brothers flat for drinks and to play darts. When i left for work this morning he had called in sick to work and was throwing up in the toilet.

Safe to say I went mad. I was shouting at him, you should be ashamed of yourself, you are disgusting etc etc. Why do I now feel bad for the way I spoke to him!? what is wrong with me. I am ashamed to say by 6 year old son heard this which kills me.

Other than this, we honestly are good. We have a great family life, 2 young children, both earn decent money. He is a hands on, present dad. I love him to bits and he loves me......... but how can i forgive this behaviour. I am not sure I can.... But i do love him =(

It makes it harder as the rest of our marriage is good. We have had ups and downs over the years of course but we are in a good place! or so i thought.

He shows me respect day to day and is kind and considerate but then does this which shows absolutely ZERO respect for me. What if he killed someone, or himself!

If he lost his license he would lose his job and we would be fucked! (high mortgage, high bills).

I am at a loss and I don't know what to do. Please be kind, I cant take any bashing right now.

Horrendous OP, I'm so sorry.

What does he think? If he was really, properly contrite and agreed to never take the car anywhere near a pub again I think I could get over it for the sake of the rest of your relationship and your DC but he obviously has a disordered relationship with alcohol so that needs addressing!

By staying with him, you're condoning his behaviour.

He clearly can't control his drinking as he is getting to that point and making irresponsible and dangerous decisions. Get him to read a copy of Alcohol Explained by William Porter and commit to giving up alcohol as a condition of staying with you and your child.

No, OP. This is not acceptable in any way. Please get away from him and live a life free of this continual stress.

It's disgusting what he's done and not for the first time either! He could have taken a taxi but instead he risked the lives of himself and of other people.

If he kills someone then his job will be the last thing you'll have to worry about because he'll be in prison.

If you don't want to end the relationship that's your choice obviously but I think you need to have strict rules in place and really mean them. I'd say that if he goes out to meet friends then he can't take his car full stop because he clearly can't be trusted not to drink and drive and if he does it again then I think you should call the police and make it very clear that that's what you'll be doing.

Another one where you have to say, if you are going to drink at all you don't drive, You get a lift or a taxi and leave the car at home. He has no ability to control how much he drinks once he starts, which is very common particularly if you are with people who don't need to be careful. One more becomes two more, etc, etc.

It has to be an absolute rule if he's going to the pub or out drinking with friends NO CAR.

I am ashamed to say by 6 year old son heard this which kills me.

Is this also your DH's son?
If so I'm sure he'll hear worse if your DH kills someone due to his selfish drink driving behaviour.

You can shout all you want but your DH has done this before so isn't to bothered if he kills someone else, also says a lot in how little he feels about his family if he killed himself.

Only he can decide if he never does this again.

But by leaving him she risks him driving her children when he's still drunk from the night before.

Even if you did call the police, what could they do?

They can only prosecute someone for drunk driving if they are actually caught doing it and that moment has long passed.

They can’t arrest someone, or take away someone licence for driving whilst drunk without actual proof of it having happened. Just because somebody reports it a day later and says it happened it’s not proof.

One morning I woke up at about 4am to the sound of talking outside my front door and when I looked out the window my neighbour was slumped in the driving seat of his car, he was asleep, the car door was open and his music was blaring out and he was clearly absolutely pissed. He stunk of beer and he couldn’t be roused at all.

The police were called and ultimately they couldn’t do anything. They said just because he was drunk and sat in the driving seat of a stationary vehicle that doesn’t mean he had been been driving it.

They said the only proof of drunk driving is if someone is caught in the act and breathalysed at the scene.

I suppose you could report it so it’s on a record of some sort, but I doubt very much anything can come of it.

He clearly has an alcohol problem though. It wasn’t that long ago that the last incident happened was it? I do remember your thread.

I don’t know how you move forwards from this but if I were you I’d be so disappointed and furious! I would never let the children get in a car with him again. How could you trust him?

He needs to accept that he has an alcohol problem and do something about it.

I would make sure he has life insurance - ask him to take out a policy if he plans to continue this behaviour. Explain that if the binge drinking / drunk driving does kill him, which is pretty likely, at least your mortgage is covered for a bit.

What @Hippobot said

This is the most sensible and pragmatic course of action by far. Drink driving is clearly unnegotiable but I don't get all the drama (as usual) around this. It is like every poster is perfect and has never put a step out of place. Deal with the issue - he can't be trusted when he has a drink. Solution - the car keys stay at home. I am always amazed at the amount of posters who are on the blocks to leave their partner without trying to work through issues as a team.

Pretty sure if he’s killed in a car accident where he’s over the limit that would invalidate most life insurance policies

He might kill an innocent person. What a selfish, stupid twat he is. I would report him to the police.

You can be charged for being drunk in control of a vehicle if you are in a vehicle with the keys and are drunk.

no amount of ‘being a good husband’ makes this behaviour more excusable or ok. It’s selfish and dangerous. Please report him to the police.

Default MN answer is "leave him", which could cause more problems than it solves.

If he's as hungover as you describe it's not a good time to get anything through to him.

Once he'd had a few he probably thought he'd leave the car. Then a few more and any sensible decision making goes out the window.

You need to let him know that twice means he can't be trusted and if he goes out for a drink he needs to take a taxi.

Then if he ignores you it's a bigger issue, but for now it's a problem with the solution of not taking the car out.

OP, I don't believe for one second that if the posters were in your situation, a happy marriage with a good husband and father and happy kids in a happy family, and dependent on two incomes, that they would leave him as so many here say they would.

All the people on here know about your H is that he has drunk drove twice, and they are entirely basing their outrage on this one fact, rather than the rich and deep, interconnected and complicate life you and your children are living.

Posters' replies are a classic case of righteousness without responsibility.

Having said that, you know this is serious. You need to tell him that this could destroy your marriage, your love for him. If you think he has a genuine drink problem he needs to commit to seek help. You need to tell him to commit to you that this will not happen again and to write for you a plan as to how he is going to commit to this. This should contain what he is going to do, why, what could stop him from achieving this and what action he will take to overcome those obstacles.

Good luck OP.

Of course nobody is perfect and it's important to try and work through issues as a team, but most people have certain moral standards that they would consider non-negotiable. A partner repeatedly showing that they have zero regard for other people's lives would cross that line for many people. Do you not have any standards that you would consider as a bare minimum for a life partner? Would you be happy to stay with him and work through the issues no matter what he had done? Or is it simply that your own lines are drawn in a different place and you don't think that drink driving is actually all that bad in the grand scheme of things?

"He went out last night to meet his brother for a beer and some pub grub, Plan was for that then to drive home."

Why would the plan be to meet for a beer and then to drive home? So the plan all along was to drink drive then! That seems absolutely bonkers! Especially after the last time. If the plan was to meet his brother for a beer, why on earth did he take the car? If you're driving you know not to drink when out. I live in Scotland where our drink driving alcohol limits are lower than elsewhere so I'm going to assume you don't live in Scotland. The law change has helped people not to think they can have 1 and still drive (so less likely for 1 to become 2 and so on). You knew his plan was to drink and drive so why didn't you stop him taking the car when he went out?

I also do not understand why he didn't receive a driving ban when he was caught last time? Again, we have different laws to elsewhere in the UK, but surely if he spent the night in the cells he would have ended up with a 12 month ban?

I'd have to leave him.
I couldn't live with a person who had such low standards of what was right and what was wrong. The very essence of who he is would not allow me to continue to live with him.
Nothing 'good' he did would ever ever drown out the voice in my head saying "he thinks it's OK to drink and drive".
I couldn't rear children with that. Small children. I just couldn't.
And now that mine are adults, well they wouldn't tolerate him for a moment.
And I know if I tried to stay, I would destroy my relationship with my children as they wouldn't tolerate it from me.
Drink drivers are scum.

What your dh has done is appalling. Him risking his own life and the life of others is selfish and reckless. It's easy for an outsider to tell you to leave him, or call the police but based on what you've said, I'm feeling like you won't do either of those (and I have no judgement on that, he's put you in an awful position).

So if those are off the table (for sake of argument), my suggestion would be that he either gives up alcohol entirely (sounds like he may have a drinking issue?) or at the very least, not allowed to drive alone to anywhere where he may drink. He simply can't be trusted to not do this again and so measures must be taken to stop him.

Guess you're just going to have to wait til he loses his licence before anything changes. If it does.

I think there's more to this than he's telling you. Mainly because that's not normal behaviour for anyone. Is he playing away? The brother will probably cover for your DH so you won't find the truth there. If you decide to stay with him then consider telling him these are the conditions:
Whenever he goes out to the pub / to a friends, he gets a lift or a taxi;
That he always answers his mobile to you;
That he's always home at the time you agreed.

I would be watching his actions not his words. You have said it yourself zero respect. Is he definitely where he says he is?