DH behaviour. Don't know what to do

[SoSoSad12309]

Name change for this one.

Some of you may remember me posting last year sometime about my husband going out one night to meet a friend for a beer in the pub and I woke up in the early hours he was not home. He was not answering his phone, then came stumbling in hours later. He had been drinking and drove 30 minute drive home.

Obviously I was disgusted and so angry.
I forgave him and we moved on.

Well. He has done it again.
He went out last night to meet his brother for a beer and some pub grub, Plan was for that then to drive home.

Again, I woke in the early hours he was not home. Calling and calling and calling his phone no answer. He stumbled in at 5:30AM!!!!! Pissed out of his face, he drove home, again approx 30 minute drive.

I feel absolutely sick to my stomach.
He said they got carried away in the pub then went back to his brothers flat for drinks and to play darts. When i left for work this morning he had called in sick to work and was throwing up in the toilet.

Safe to say I went mad. I was shouting at him, you should be ashamed of yourself, you are disgusting etc etc. Why do I now feel bad for the way I spoke to him!? what is wrong with me. I am ashamed to say by 6 year old son heard this which kills me.

Other than this, we honestly are good. We have a great family life, 2 young children, both earn decent money. He is a hands on, present dad. I love him to bits and he loves me......... but how can i forgive this behaviour. I am not sure I can.... But i do love him =(

It makes it harder as the rest of our marriage is good. We have had ups and downs over the years of course but we are in a good place! or so i thought.

He shows me respect day to day and is kind and considerate but then does this which shows absolutely ZERO respect for me. What if he killed someone, or himself!

If he lost his license he would lose his job and we would be fucked! (high mortgage, high bills).

I am at a loss and I don't know what to do. Please be kind, I cant take any bashing right now.

Wtf brother let's him do that. Should let him stay the night and let you know.

Tell your husband he can't take the car if he's not driving to work or taking the kids to school.

He isn't responsible enough.

Twice he's been a dangerous knobhead.

God, get him to watch Time with Sean Bean. It's a sobering watch.

I have no sympathy for drunk drivers. A friend was killed by one driving home from my wedding. The man driving wasn't some cartoon villain but a very ordinary man with an ordinary life who thought he would risk it, again. Evil is banal.

I couldn't forgive my partner if they did this once, let alone twice. However, I am not in your position and reality is very different to hypotheticals. In reality, they would need to be incredibly remorseful, understand what they had done was completely unacceptable. They would have to have a zero tolerance approach to driving after having a drink and if drinking not have access to the car keys as they can't judge what is safe whilst drinking.

I would struggle to get over this.

It’s so rude when there’s poster like @Mich123F sharing their trauma and OP doesn’t have the decency to reply to the thread.
Why keep making upsetting threads if you ignore the replies?

I'm so sorry OP. What an absolutely shit thing to do. Twice.

He never takes the car again if socialising

Hang on, @SoSoSad12309 it was your husband that was arrested for crashing into a car drunk? Is that right? And they issue a ban then? Or anything?

Alcoholic

The husband of someone I know killed himself last year drink driving. He had four children.

He put the driver of the other vehicle in hospital with life changing injuries.

Ironically he was driving home from a funeral.

This is always said when people stay up/out late and obviously I don't know if he was or not but it is possible to pull an all nighter without doing loads of coke or whatever. It's not the gotcha people think it is.

Less so these days but I can stay up all night without drugs and always have.

Rather sanctimonious. He didn't kill anyone and he got home. It's illegal but only a moron would now report it (and lose job, mortgate, children's future and probably marriage) and the OP is making a fuss about coming home drunk twice in two years! All of you seem so precious and fragile it is unbelievable. If your husband/wife/partner/spouse gets pie-eyed once a year then you haven't lived. Grow up. People get drunk do stupid things and drive when drunk - the last is a crime, but if he got home safe and did not harm anyone then it is something you point out that should not be done and make an agreement that next time he gets too drunk to drive he rings home and you book him a taxi.

@Grammarnut have some decency, there are many posters on this thread who’ve had loved ones killed by scumbags like the (long gone) OPs bloke.
If you’d be fine with someone you love getting killed by a criminal like him, that’s on you.
The mans home time is irrelevant, the thread is about repeat criminal offences. JFC.

@Grammarnut people don't give a shit about people getting drunk. It's the driving while drunk that's the issue. Either you are spectacularly missing the point or you're on the wind up.

If you choose to drink drive then quite frankly you deserve to lose your job, house and family. There is no excuse.

A neighbour of mine was recently killed by a drunk driver on the motorway. I have zero tolerance for anyone who drink drives.

Wow I spent hours this evening reading the replies over and over again. Thank you all so much.

he’s gone! Told him how appalled I was by his behaviour, how I think he had a drink problem in the sense of when he starts he does not stop. Told him I wanted space to think about if this marriage can continue. He put up a fight at first but then when he realised I wasn’t backing down he packed a bag.

i strangely feel relieved and not sad! Which I didn’t expect. Just hope he respects my wishes and doesn’t return on his own accord

Some people don't drink alcohol at all - doesn't mean they "haven't lived." We don't know for a fact that OP's husband didn't harm anyone whilst driving drunk, and she'd already asked him not to do it again after the first incident. If your bar is set low enough to not mind somebody drink-driving 'as long as they get home safely', then that's your prerogative - grow up indeed.

You should be glad that everyone is precious and fragile about drunk driving. It means the roads are fairly safe for you to drive around on.

What do you get up to then, if you’re so happy to commit crimes as long as you don’t get caught?

Goodness OP - well done, that can't have been easy, but I am glad to see this update. (As you may have noticed people are now fighting among themselves about this I'm afraid.) Very well done for making your position absolutely clear. You are right, he does have a drink problem (like so many people and so many of the people posting or posted about on here), and he has a great deal of thinking to do.

Two of my friends were killed by a drunk driver - they were 17 and 18. I dare you to minimise a man mature enough to be a father and husband drink-driving WELL past the limit, TWICE in two years to me Grammarnut. Go on.

He's a disgrace, well done for showing him the boot.
If you're on tracker apps like find a friend or life 360 and you have him on it, then next time you think he's going to do it I'd track where he is & then ring the police to say whereabouts his location is. The bastard needs catching once and for all.

@SoSoSad12309 Thanks for the update, you've definitely made the right choice. It is hard, but it is right. And for what it's worth, I wouldn't worry about your child witnessing you getting angry with him about it, hopefully it will make a lasting impact on them, so they grow up and know right from wrong about something so serious. And that adults can also make bad choices, and that their lovely strong mum is brave enough to point out wrongdoing in no uncertain terms.

Wishing you strength 💕

I don't get up to anything and think drunk driving is completely wrong. However, if you get home without harming anyone it is a bit stupid for your partner to report you, lose you your job, trash your mortgage and end endanger your marriage. Getting drunk once a year is not a big deal, either. You are all so fragile because you have no real problems. Try being brought up in one room in a multi-occupied house, having clothes from jumble sales etc. You might worry less about a DH getting drunk once a year.
As to drunk driving, a cousin's son was killed by a drunk driver, so I am pretty fragile about it. But the OP is not asking about this, but about how terrible it is her DH has gone out and got drunk twice in two years and what should she do. I suggested she point out that he has acted illegally and that next time he goes out with his brother he either takes a taxi home or stays at his brothers.

I can’t with the people minimising his behaviour as someone who works for the NHS with a DH who works for the Fire Brigade…what we see day in day out caused by some of the most selfish disgusting people in the world (your “D”H) can’t be accepted. Just because it didn’t happen this time makes no difference, he’s as accountable as the one that caused the 4 month old who is currently dead in their car seat, until you see this you will never understand the damage these people do.

However, someone does have to see it them and try to sleep with themself knowing they were was unable to fix it, while there is a mother who is trying to sleep knowing they have lost the child they made and delivered.

And to add going out and getting carried away is one thing (phone an Uber/arrange a lift home) is one thing that we have all probably done but getting into your car after it is another.

The OP was worried about him getting drunk. And she doesn't really know that he did drive while drunk, only that he turned up at 5.30 in the morning. And pointless to report it btw as there is no evidence. But no-one deserves to lose their job, home and family, which is the other point the OP is worried about, because that is what will happen to her too. Of course drinking and driving is wrong, who said it was not? I didn't. I have had two relatives killed by drunk drivers but the question is not about that.