DH behaviour. Don't know what to do

[SoSoSad12309]

Name change for this one.

Some of you may remember me posting last year sometime about my husband going out one night to meet a friend for a beer in the pub and I woke up in the early hours he was not home. He was not answering his phone, then came stumbling in hours later. He had been drinking and drove 30 minute drive home.

Obviously I was disgusted and so angry.
I forgave him and we moved on.

Well. He has done it again.
He went out last night to meet his brother for a beer and some pub grub, Plan was for that then to drive home.

Again, I woke in the early hours he was not home. Calling and calling and calling his phone no answer. He stumbled in at 5:30AM!!!!! Pissed out of his face, he drove home, again approx 30 minute drive.

I feel absolutely sick to my stomach.
He said they got carried away in the pub then went back to his brothers flat for drinks and to play darts. When i left for work this morning he had called in sick to work and was throwing up in the toilet.

Safe to say I went mad. I was shouting at him, you should be ashamed of yourself, you are disgusting etc etc. Why do I now feel bad for the way I spoke to him!? what is wrong with me. I am ashamed to say by 6 year old son heard this which kills me.

Other than this, we honestly are good. We have a great family life, 2 young children, both earn decent money. He is a hands on, present dad. I love him to bits and he loves me......... but how can i forgive this behaviour. I am not sure I can.... But i do love him =(

It makes it harder as the rest of our marriage is good. We have had ups and downs over the years of course but we are in a good place! or so i thought.

He shows me respect day to day and is kind and considerate but then does this which shows absolutely ZERO respect for me. What if he killed someone, or himself!

If he lost his license he would lose his job and we would be fucked! (high mortgage, high bills).

I am at a loss and I don't know what to do. Please be kind, I cant take any bashing right now.

Nope I don't think drunk driving is OK, where did I say that? I am completely teetotal and I have a very low tolerance for drunkeness, believe me.
This is a problem with a solution, but PPs are not suggesting any attempt to work through this, just the blanket LTB standard answer.

And if he doesn't?
Say he agrees to the rules but when the time comes he doesn't?
Where does it end.

Op knowing he has done this twice you are just as bad if you do nothing. Report him, leave him and go. You cannot stay with him because one day he WILL do something serious enough and all this will come out in the open and YOU will be guilty as well because you knew and did nothing.

A family member of mine accidentally killed himself last year drunk driving, he crashed straight into a tree. He left behind four children, he was 38 years old. He was driving a ten minute route home on an empty road. Your husband is a fucking idiot. There's absolutely no excuse for his behaviour, nothing makes it ok or right. I'm sure you know that, but he clearly doesn't know. I couldn't come back from that myself.

He's presumably not seventeen years old or mentally compromised in some way. (Is he an alcoholic? A secret alcoholic maybe?)

He's choosing drink, and choosing to break the law, choosing to risk others lives and his own, choosing that directly over the choice to safely come home to his six year old child.

Doubt you'd find him so lovely having to take your ds to visit him in prison after a death by dangerous driving charge.

Even if he doesn't kill, hurt someone or have an accident, the ramification's of him being charged with drink driving is huge. Not only will he lose his licence, he'd have to retake his test, insurance will be in the 1000s each year, some places wont employ him, it'll be on his record, show up on a dbs check etc.

OP it might help you to do a bit of reading on the different types of alcoholism, particularly Epsilon Alcoholism.

Also, be very careful. Because his choice may one day affect your child, if for example he is driving them whilst over the limit. Even the day after drinking, with your child stuck in the car. Unthinkable, not the way a good parent or a good husband operates whatsoever. He's neither.

Please please please for now just convince him to stop driving while drunk! He can kill an innocent. Tell him to take a cab...to sleep at a friend's house...whatever.

You can deal with how it affects you and your son after....but it's nobody fault he is an IDIOT AND IRRESPONSIBLE ADULT!

The drink driving is bad enough on its own, breaking the law and endangering innocent people, as well as himself..

But his utter disrespect to you to go out on a bender and not even answer the phone to you, AGAIN? I would ask him to leave for a couple of weeks, keep communication at a minimum/just re your child, whilst you gather your thoughts and get your head together.

Please don’t enable this behaviour. He broke the law and lied to you.

@Doteycat It ends when he wraps his car around a tree or hurts/kills someone or addresses the drink issue. If he has an alcohol problem, it's probably safer to try and deal with it within the relationship. If she kicks him out, he's likely to go on a bender every week. The safest thing is to try and control his actions while he sorts himself out.

I don't think there's anything she can do in retrospect. What evidence would the police have to go on? An annoyed wife isn't going to be enough. They won't do anything unless they can catch him drink-driving.

Sadly OP I get the feeling you will forgive him. Again.

It's not just about finding a solution though, it's what it says about her DH's moral values.

Perhaps you love your partner unconditionally and nothing could ever change that? Whatever he does wrong, you will remain committed to him and you will find a way of working through it? Is there anything that your partner could do that would mean things were over for you?

I don't feel love my dh unconditionally, personally. For me, there are certain behaviours that I would find unacceptable and impossible to move beyond, e.g. if he raped or murdered someone, exploited a vulnerable person, was abusive towards me etc. Drunk driving causes immeasurable harm to innocent people, so for me, it's one of those unforgivable behaviours....especially if he did it more than once.

I'm not clear as to whether you're saying that there is nothing that your dh/dp could egret do that would make you walk away from the relationship or whether you're saying that drink driving simply isn't bad enough to fall into that category. Either way, we can agree to disagree.

And what about the next time when he kills someone from drink driving? You shouldn’t feel bad at all.

Two friends of mine drove while drunk. Ones dead and the drivers in prison.

Where had he been until 5am?

I presume he likes going to see his brother/friend from time to time and to "let go".

In that case find a way to have a small budget for an Uber/cab for those occassions.

I know you have big bills ect but the consequences could run large with this one.

It seems like you two have a good relationship - find a compromise.

And for Gods sake do not call the police.

I honestly wouldn't believe he went back to his brother's house If I were you OP. If that were true, surely he'd have just slept there? It sounds like he's been up to no good, and rushed back even though paraletic, to prove a point that he wasn't out "all night and didn't come home." Obviously the biggest issue is the drink driving, as that is inexcusable, and has the potential to devastate innocent lives, but considering you obviously love the "man" and clearly want to stay together, I'd also be concerned that he's been up to something with someone else. If the drink driving isn't enough for you to kick him out though, I doubt potentially cheating would.

He doesn't take the car in future if he goes out. Under any circs. whether he plans to drink or not. Simple. He can't be trusted and he has demonstrated that twice.
I would also shame him in front of family. That he is prepared to put other people at risk, his family and your life together is shameful. You shouldn't hide it. Personally I'd tell him to sling his hook for a week until you have a chance to calm down.

i couldn’t forgive this to be honest, I despise people who drink and drive. You are right, it shows zero respect to you and zero respect to all other road users and pedestrians who could quite easily have been killed by the actions of your husband.

Why you feel bad I have no idea? You shouldn’t do.

Why did he so desperately need to drive home if he was going to call in sick anyway? Something feels like it doesn’t add up here?

If he kills someone next time or kills himself, imagine the conversation with your Son then. This absolutely cannot ever happen again and he needs to take drastic steps now to prove that HE understands the seriousness of this and the damage he has caused to your Marriage. If he can’t handle his drink and makes terrible decisions like this whilst pissed, then what is he going to do about it? The only option is to never drink again with access to car keys or to turn him in, isn’t it?

You also know that he committed an illegal offence, twice, and your Son may even repeat some of what was said to Friends/Teachers. He has implicated you and put you in an awful position of choosing morals vs choosing him/your life together.

I’d ask him to leave because you need space to think and calm down, and he needs to do something drastic - but I’m not exactly sure what?

True, but apparently my neighbour had been in sitting in that car for about two hours before the police were called.

The police said that as the car was stationery and the engine wasn’t running there was nothing to prove that he’d ever been driving it.

They said for all they knew there could have been another sober person in that car (who’d been driving) and who had left the scene and the drunk man had just shifted across to the driver’s seat. Without there being any witnesses that he’d been alone in the car, or any witnesses that said they’d seen him drive the car, there was nothing they could do.

Why do you 'love him to bits'?
A repeat drunk driver, you want to forgive him? That's disgusting.
You wrote he planned to go out drink driving anyway, just came home later than expected. You've accepted his crime once before and now want to accept it again. Deplorable.

ps - you feel bad for going mad at him after what he’s done again?

There’s more going on here OP

Very, very easy for everyone to sit here on their phones telling you to leave him.

Obviously it’s more complicated than that. This is your life, your marriage, you love him, and you know he has strengths despite this behaviour.

I can see where people are coming from, and the most logical and “correct” thing to do is to report him and probably leave him.

In reality, I think at the very least you need to have a serious talk with him. He needs to agree to no more nights out where he takes the car. He has to get the train or a taxi. It’s clear he can’t be trusted on this issue.

The thing that would make me leave him is if I thought he might ever do this with your child in the car. Do you think he might?

I'll elaborate on my post... I filed for divorce after being in our car with 4 x dc when pissed dh tried to kill us all on the A1.... It could be you one day op. You might not be as lucky as us... We walked away. Police removed him from our home. An officer actually told me to get rid of him...