DH behaviour. Don't know what to do

[SoSoSad12309]

Name change for this one.

Some of you may remember me posting last year sometime about my husband going out one night to meet a friend for a beer in the pub and I woke up in the early hours he was not home. He was not answering his phone, then came stumbling in hours later. He had been drinking and drove 30 minute drive home.

Obviously I was disgusted and so angry.
I forgave him and we moved on.

Well. He has done it again.
He went out last night to meet his brother for a beer and some pub grub, Plan was for that then to drive home.

Again, I woke in the early hours he was not home. Calling and calling and calling his phone no answer. He stumbled in at 5:30AM!!!!! Pissed out of his face, he drove home, again approx 30 minute drive.

I feel absolutely sick to my stomach.
He said they got carried away in the pub then went back to his brothers flat for drinks and to play darts. When i left for work this morning he had called in sick to work and was throwing up in the toilet.

Safe to say I went mad. I was shouting at him, you should be ashamed of yourself, you are disgusting etc etc. Why do I now feel bad for the way I spoke to him!? what is wrong with me. I am ashamed to say by 6 year old son heard this which kills me.

Other than this, we honestly are good. We have a great family life, 2 young children, both earn decent money. He is a hands on, present dad. I love him to bits and he loves me......... but how can i forgive this behaviour. I am not sure I can.... But i do love him =(

It makes it harder as the rest of our marriage is good. We have had ups and downs over the years of course but we are in a good place! or so i thought.

He shows me respect day to day and is kind and considerate but then does this which shows absolutely ZERO respect for me. What if he killed someone, or himself!

If he lost his license he would lose his job and we would be fucked! (high mortgage, high bills).

I am at a loss and I don't know what to do. Please be kind, I cant take any bashing right now.

Honestly this makes me so angry.
The 10 year old niece of my close friend was killed by a drunk driver.
It's really unforgivable.

He is risking his marriage for the sake of a 30 min journey.

IS that love?

You asked him to change and he didn’t. Your choices now are accept that your husband is putting his and other people’s lives at risk, as well as risking his livelihood, and that that is going to be an ongoing feature of your life or leave.

Just be very careful of being co-dependent.

You'll feel guilty when he turns 'victim' on you and then you start forgiving him.

He'll be remorseful at first, then he'll turn the old 'Boo Hoo I'm such a terrible person, I might just do away with myself, how can you stand to be with me, I'm such a bad husband and father, I've let everyone down, Boo Hoo, Me, Me, Me, I've turned it All About Me and my troubles'

I pretty much guarantee that's what he'll do and then the Rescuer button (he needs me, he needs me!!) in you that responds to fragility will get pushed.

You'll start thinking that you can control his drinking better by staying with him.

But that's not true, because he prefers alcohol to you.
It's a higher priority on his list of needs.

He's an Alcoholic. Sometimes when he has a drink he cannot stop drinking.
He needs treatment and you need to educate yourself on alcoholism.

I'd report him to the police. I'm so sorry he's such a shit. You & your DC deserve better. I'd be beyond disgusted. There are so many innocent babies/children/adults killed by drunk drivers.

That’s really bad, he is lucky he didn’t kill someone else, or nimself, or isn’t in jail. What an awful person. Just awful.

Well he can’t drink anymore if this is the behaviour he does. I would say to him that any more planned drinks with people are not happening unless the car stays at home.

The son of a friend has just gone down for 10 years for killing someone whilst drunk driving. The victim had a wife and two teenage children. The driver’s parents are in bits. That’s a lot of people seriously affected by one stupid selfish decision.
You need to leave him.

How much does he drink on a weekly basis? Are these isolated blow-out binges or is his general alcohol intake on the high side? It's seems odd that he'd infrequently and randomly drink to the level of throwing up and drive, so I'm guessing that in between there is a whole lot of a few pints here and there and driving.
Good for you both that you earn decent wages - so there should be plenty of money for taxis, or might as well stay overnight if he's going to be out so late.
Don't backpeddle or feel bad ( maybe only about your DC seeing). Your assessment of your DH was correct at the time.
This behaviour does have to stop though, so when he's sobre, calmly talk to him avoiding name-calling, but basically telling him how things are going to be in the future and rules that will be in place to stop him doing it again. Let him know how serious this is to the point that you will reconsider the marriage if he does it again.
How is he after the fact? Does he acknowledge its terrible behaviour, or dismiss it? His attitude to it counts, its hard to forgive someone who won't take on board the seriousness of it.

Speaking brutally honestly. If your husband was drunk driving and killed my child, my only child, I think I’d do time in prison myself.

And while I wouldn’t hold anyone else responsible for his actions, I can’t say I’d be that concerned about the safety of whoever might be with him at the time when I tracked him down.

High mortgage and bills are maybe the least of your worries.

I know this isn't the point, but why on earth is his brother letting him do this? There's only so much you can do without knowing his plans, but his brother must be just as much of a prick as your husband to facilitate this, would your husband have drove them both back to his brothers place? or did he leave his car somewhere and fetched it before coming home? He definitely needs shopping to the police.

If you're determined to stay I'd say the best advice is to make him leave the car at home if he goes out drinking, he should be doing that anyway.

IMO no one should be driving after having ANY drinks, it would stop this "oops I had too many but still decided to drive home" bullshit.

I'd leave. What if he did it with your kids in the car?

Presumably he drove to his brothers too?

If he was at his brothers like he says why not crash there and drive home next day?

He was in a holding cell the last time, if I recall correctly.

he'll still find excuses after he's killed someone. If he kills himself, that'll be one less drunk driver on the road at least.

It sounds like your dh has a problem with alcohol. I'd be making it clear that he needs to stop drinking completely and seek counselling. I would keep a very close eye. Have you had any other signs that he might drink in secret or have the 'odd drink' a little too regularly?

If he doesn't make good on any of that I'd consider kicking him out until he's prepared to address his issues. He's not a good parent when he's risking leaving his child without a dad or a dad in prison over his need to drink. He doesn't get to gamble with your family security and happiness and safety and have business as usual.

100% this. He is an alcoholic. He gets help or you're done? Otherwise, manslaughter for drink driving is next, and god knows who he'll kill and how many lives will be destroyed.

You are also enabling the possibility of him killing someone. Someone’s husband, wife, child, parent. Killing himself too.
If you don’t want to report him send me his car reg and I’ll do it.

Lose his licence? What the fuck are you talking about, he could have killed someone.

He is (presumably) an alcoholic and (certainly) a drunk driver.

I couldn't stay in the relationship unless he fully admitted what he had done and how serious both the drinking and the drunk driving are.

If he addresses the drinking, the drink driving will stop as a by-product. But many people won't stop, and you have to decide now what you are going to do when he minimises it, denies it, or does it again.

You obviously don't want to separate from him so the only thing you can do is to make sure he doesn't ever take his car keys out with him when he goes out for a drink. I know that you shouldn't have to be his police officer, but if you want him to stay in the house and you want everyone to be safe, then that's the only thing you can do. Of course one day you will think, "Why am I living with this person I can't trust? Why am I living with someone with an alcohol problem?" but it doesn't sound as though that moment has come.

He'll argue the toss, of course, but if you want to live with him, those would have to be the rules.

When my dh was drink driving I reported him. Then filed for divorce..

So basically the time me or husband is off to work there's some arsehole potentially on the road who is so intoxicated they end up puking in a toilet?

If I knew who he was I'd report him myself.

If you're going to enable this shit and I think you will then take action and don't let him take the car when he goes out. Hide his keys.

He could have killed someone.

He must not be allowed to drive again. You should report him to the police and if he loses his licence, so be it. That will be his fault and not yours.

If you choose not to report and to turn a blind eye, you are effectively complicit and will be partly to blame for any future accidents and their consequences. Do you want that on your conscience?

I would be unable to respect anyone so utterly selfish and irresponsible so for me, it would be the end of the relationship too. I guess it's for you to decide whether or not he has crossed a line for you.

Would you put up with him, more than once, doing any other behaviour that is illegal and potentially deadly? Losing his licence is a good outcome as it keeps himself and other people safe from him. You say that would be bad as he would lose his job - he won't be around to pay the bills if he gets caught next time and jailed...especially if he gets a lengthy sentence for killing someone. How could you have this on your conscience? You say he is good in lots of ways but his moral compass is way off. If this was someone else's husband you were reading about what would you think of him? Selfish? Reckless? Dangerous? Irresponsible? This is the behaviour of a very very small minority of people. He is a statistic and a very bad one. To me this would be absolutely unforgivable. I left a 13 year relationship with my child's father for less - because I thought his behaviour with alcohol was unhealthy....He would never ever get behind the wheel of a car drunk! Do yourself a favour and divorce him before your children have to witness the aftermath of something so serious you will never get over it. Don't feel guilty about talking to him like that in front of your child. Make this an example to your child that there are some things in life that are so morally abhorrent that there is no justification or tolerance of. This is not the hill you want to die on when making excuses for him! Enough is enough. If he didn't learn anything the last time then you can bet that this time also won't be the last time.

He is incredibly selfish and self centred. He doesn't love or respect you and your children otherwise he wouldn't have done it iagain.
What if he had killed himself and another family on his way home. What if had been stopped by police and arrested? Then he would have lost his job.

Why do you feel bad for shouting at him? He put everything at risk through his own selfish behaviour and deserves to be told.
You have decisions to make, hard ones. Please do not feel bad. He needs to understand the seriousness of what he has now done twice and the consequences.