DH behaviour. Don't know what to do

[SoSoSad12309]

Name change for this one.

Some of you may remember me posting last year sometime about my husband going out one night to meet a friend for a beer in the pub and I woke up in the early hours he was not home. He was not answering his phone, then came stumbling in hours later. He had been drinking and drove 30 minute drive home.

Obviously I was disgusted and so angry.
I forgave him and we moved on.

Well. He has done it again.
He went out last night to meet his brother for a beer and some pub grub, Plan was for that then to drive home.

Again, I woke in the early hours he was not home. Calling and calling and calling his phone no answer. He stumbled in at 5:30AM!!!!! Pissed out of his face, he drove home, again approx 30 minute drive.

I feel absolutely sick to my stomach.
He said they got carried away in the pub then went back to his brothers flat for drinks and to play darts. When i left for work this morning he had called in sick to work and was throwing up in the toilet.

Safe to say I went mad. I was shouting at him, you should be ashamed of yourself, you are disgusting etc etc. Why do I now feel bad for the way I spoke to him!? what is wrong with me. I am ashamed to say by 6 year old son heard this which kills me.

Other than this, we honestly are good. We have a great family life, 2 young children, both earn decent money. He is a hands on, present dad. I love him to bits and he loves me......... but how can i forgive this behaviour. I am not sure I can.... But i do love him =(

It makes it harder as the rest of our marriage is good. We have had ups and downs over the years of course but we are in a good place! or so i thought.

He shows me respect day to day and is kind and considerate but then does this which shows absolutely ZERO respect for me. What if he killed someone, or himself!

If he lost his license he would lose his job and we would be fucked! (high mortgage, high bills).

I am at a loss and I don't know what to do. Please be kind, I cant take any bashing right now.

Why didn't he sleep at his brother's? Can't he afford an occasional taxi for a 20 minute journey? I mean, this is some fucked up shit.

So many posters so desperate for a man, they advocate criminal offences and 'working though' the repeat crimes, just to keep a man. Have some dignity.

At the very minimum he doesn't ever take the car if he's going for a drink and he doesn't go drinking when he has work the next day.

It's really worrying though that he's willing to do this at all and for me it's a deal breaker. The willingness to risk lives in this way really calls his whole character into question. I'm not sure I could get past that.

He has gone out and got totally drunk and come home at 5 a.m. twice in two years? You are over-reacting to this. It's a rarity and he is good in every way and you love him. Why rant? I drank so much the night before New Year's Eve I was sick. This might happen once in three or four years. No-one blamed me, DH was not disgusted but said don't mix gin and Guiness, which is entirely good advice. Why are you disgusted by such a rare event? If he did it every night of every week you might be angry but he does it once a bloody year and not every year, either. You are being totally unreasonable. Get over it and say sorry you were such an arse, because you were.

Because he DROVE!!!

Unfortunately this is the reality.

Paying bills is an issue yes, but struggling to pay bills is nothing in comparison to living with the knowledge that someone has been killed because of recklessness.

You've told him why it's wrong (which shouldn't need to be said). He has completely disregarded this.

@Grammarnut

Did you miss the bit about him driving home pissed up?

And I'm judging you for not reporting your neighbour's boyfriend to the police.

That's an utterly stupid piece of advice and vindictive, too.

I'd give him a choice. Either, if he goes out in the evening/to drink again he doesn't ever take the car - or you split up.

Snitch. Mind, he should not do it and if he is caught it serves him right. But you don't know what it means that he drinks and drives. If he has the allowed number of units in his blood i.e. he had a glass of wine with a meal, then he is doing nothing wrong, but you are judging him without that knowledge. Do not.

I want to add, when my family member drunkenly crashed and killed himself, the feelings of the many many people mourning him were SO complicated, and it slows down the grief process even more.

Because it's not just pure shattering grief, his partner, their newborn baby and older kids, his family and friends. It was grief mixed with anger at his actions, tainted with disgust at his choices, coloured by stress at it being essentially an accidental suicide and COMPLETELY AVOIDABLE.

And the shame it brought about, because rightly people judge drunk drivers. Sympathy, with a side helping of judgement is not pure sympathy and it also slows down grieving. People blamed his partner- why didn't she stop him?.of course that's bullshit because he was an adult and it was his choice. But people talk like that.

The fact he chose to drive home pissed rather than crash on his brothers sofa would actually have my red flags flying as to where he really was if I’m honest

If staying together - I’d recommend you get him to agree to get a taxi/lift etc if going for a beer. He’s shown he can’t be trusted to take the car. He can’t be trusted to be responsible. He can’t be trusted to make sensible decisions or reign in his drinking. So he doesn’t get to use the car.

Hi there,

I have been off sick for the past 5 weeks because I was injured in a car accident caused by someone who was DUI. He nearly killed me. I’m injured, my MH is up the shitter, my car is written off, and my Christmas was ruined.

He could’ve made my kids motherless, and my DH a widow.

Your DH is an absolute, irresponsible tool —a dangerous arsehole—

He’s driven twice without killing anyone, third time he might just succeed.

You’re worried he’ll lose his job?

Ahhh, the poor guy. I’d be more concerned he’s going to kill someone TBH.

You have to report him. Human life is worth more than his job. Over lockdown a local man killed a dad and his young son and daughter. Their mum was working but I'm sure she wishes she went with them. The sentence he got was an absolute joke.

@Grammarnut "Snitch" is something school kids call each other when someone tells the teacher on them. In this case, the ADULT was clearly over the limit, as described by the OP. Sometimes people need serious repercussions to change their behaviour, especially when the consequences are extremely serious (see, my dead relative).

My Aunty got knocked down my a drunk driver. Her pelvis ‘opened’ onto her internal organs and her spleen exploded.

She never fully recovered and spent the rest of her life disabled. She had several
additional surgeries

Is this a wind up? It’s clear from the OP he was completely wasted. This is not ‘a glass of wine with a meal’ situation

There's something wrong with you and your moral compass. And your reading skills.
Seek help. And therapy.

@Grammarnut

Your comments are concerning. Do you think drinking and driving whilst drunk, is acceptable behaviour? You seem more bothered about "snitching" than a death?

And I'm judging you for not reporting your neighbour's boyfriend to the police.

I've reported him every single time with CCTV videos.
They do nothing.

You are just as irresponsible if you don't report him to the police. Imagine if he kills someone.

Other than this, we honestly are good.

It's a bloody big "other" though isn't it?

Does he love you & the kids-really?

If so why has he done this again?

What is it that you love about him?

Honestly this would make me realise that he wasn't the man I thought he was.

If he stopped and is under the limit, then he has nothing to worry about. And keep your instructions to yourself.