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Original poster

Meeting the ex wife

176 replies

Blushingm · 10/01/2024 14:03

DP and I have been together almost 2 years.

Their agreement in their divorce says before a new partner meets their DC the other needs to meet the new partner

DP has suggested to exw that we do this next week or the week after. The DC know their dad has someone new and it's likely long term so this meeting really needs to get done

But what do I say to her? How do I be? What do I wear? I'm so nervous

OP posts:
TraitorRoundTable · 10/01/2024 14:05

Just be yourself! You may be more similar than you’d expect.

Theunamedcat · 10/01/2024 14:05

Just act normally she isn't the Queen so as long as you don't stand there smoking crack and picking at yourself you will be fine

mummymeister · 10/01/2024 14:05

Meet somewhere completely neutral so not a fav restaurant pub or anything else and maybe make it an outside type meeting so at a garden or whatever. be yourself, dress as you usually would for this type of day out. she is going to be just as nervous as you are.

Original poster
Blushingm · 10/01/2024 14:07

Theunamedcat · 10/01/2024 14:05

Just act normally she isn't the Queen so as long as you don't stand there smoking crack and picking at yourself you will be fine

Now that made me giggle!!!!

OP posts:
Godwindar · 10/01/2024 14:08

Often you're either complete opposites or very alike, so you'll have to see!

Illberidingshotgun · 10/01/2024 14:08

Be yourself, wear what you wear day to day and feel most comfortable in. Just say hello, and ask her how she's feeling? Perhaps if you acknowledge that you are nervous, that will help her also.

Original poster
Blushingm · 10/01/2024 14:09

We were thinking of a pub half way between their houses - not one we go to regularly

I worry as I see her better than me. Better job, higher income, slimmer and I think she's going to think he's down graded

OP posts:
Original poster
Blushingm · 10/01/2024 14:11

I also don't know what to talk about

How do I start a conversation with a woman I don't know, who im only meeting as im in a relationship with her ex husband

OP posts:
BloodyAdultDC · 10/01/2024 14:11

I'd be VERY interested to read the court paperwork that requires you to meet the ex before being introduced to the kids.

Surely it's a courtesy but I very much doubt it a legal requirement

Original poster
Blushingm · 10/01/2024 14:14

@BloodyAdultDC it's an agreement they have both signed though I'm not sure it's legally enforceable. It's in with all the bits about the days their DC are with each of them that sort of thing. I've seen it so I know it's there

OP posts:
LauderSyme · 10/01/2024 14:15

No, no, no, NO, OP, she is not better than you! Stop that please! You are a worthy and valuable human being in your own right, her job and body shape are irrelevant.

Repeat to yourself "comparison is the thief of joy" on loop.

HappyStep1 · 10/01/2024 14:18

What do they envision would be the purpose of meeting a new partner?
Will they get to say if that new person is allowed to meet/get to know the children?
This kind of thing is nonsensical!

LauderSyme · 10/01/2024 14:19

Maybe start by saying "Well this is awkward...!"

Talk about the children and their schools and clubs etc. And maybe the weather and the pub you're in and the traffic you met on the way there and the new housing development that got built etc.

Meemawdebs68 · 10/01/2024 14:35

LauderSyme · 10/01/2024 14:19

Maybe start by saying "Well this is awkward...!"

Talk about the children and their schools and clubs etc. And maybe the weather and the pub you're in and the traffic you met on the way there and the new housing development that got built etc.

This… and leave silence so she or your chap have to fill it- it’s not a job interview- although it feels like one (speaking from experience). I’d take it as a sign he is serious about your relationship and also observe how they behave around each other- believe me you can learn a lot. Be nervous- normal- but DON’T be scared. Good luck x

Original poster
Blushingm · 10/01/2024 14:36

@HappyStep1 I'm not sure - I think it implies that she doesn't think his judgement is good enough to keep their children safe - but it could just be that she wants a bit of piece of mind that she knows who will be spending time with her children. From what I can gather she likes to know everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blushingm · 10/01/2024 14:40

@Meemawdebs68 it just makes me so nervous. I really want to make a positive impression

I know DP really worries about how his DC take things. He was really nervous telling them he was seeing someone as he didn't want them upset of uncomfortable - he said he told them as he sees us as long term - it took him 18 months to even tell them

OP posts:
Meemawdebs68 · 10/01/2024 14:45

What ages are the DC? And which gender? - I’m not going anywhere with that it’s just a question 🤣

HappyStep1 · 10/01/2024 14:53

"From what I can gather she likes to know everything".

This would have had me running for the hills! It's his judgement he needs to trust, not hers. If he's waited 18 months to introduce you it seems pretty sound to me.

I would not be indulging in this, sets the tone going forward that she gets a say in your relationship and life choices.

roseandhearts · 10/01/2024 14:55

I'm sure you have more influence over him than his ex so just tell dp you don't wish to meet his ex.

Floatinginatincan · 10/01/2024 15:05

Nope I would not be doing that. There is no way that is legally inforcable or reasonable.

Original poster
Blushingm · 10/01/2024 15:05

@Meemawdebs68 they're both boys. 11 & 14. The 14 yo has a tense relationship with his mum and is extra close with his dad.

OP posts:
SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 10/01/2024 15:07

Well, he may have reason to have 'down graded'. That mutual decision sounds pretty high maintenance.

Go. Smile a lot, nod a bit and let her reveal herself buy how far she chooses to pry.

Then, if she does turn out to be a bit odd you can tell your OH you are done pandering to her wishes.

You never know, she might be quite pleasant and they just want to be civil and grown up for the kids.

bawbells · 10/01/2024 15:09

If you're going to be spending time with their DC then I think the most respectful thing you can do is to talk to her about that. If you don't have any experience of teenagers then tell her that. Make it clear you are open to advice. If she knows you are keen to do the right thing then she will definitely not think of you as a downgrade. It's not all about looks and jobs. It's about kindness and respect.

Original poster
Blushingm · 10/01/2024 15:09

@HappyStep1 he doesn't doubt his judgment and I don't either - I think it's her that doesn't trust him.

Long term - they've still got lots of joint friends (they were together 20 odd years) - so if there's events etc that they're both invited I guess he'd like me to go too so I suppose we will meet one day

OP posts:
DocOck · 10/01/2024 15:10

That is an agreement between them and not legally enforceable. My DH's ex tried to pull all that kind of shit. Almost 6 years later and I've still never met her and never intend to. I've never met my children's stepmother either.