Meeting the ex wife

[Blushingm]

DP and I have been together almost 2 years.

Their agreement in their divorce says before a new partner meets their DC the other needs to meet the new partner

DP has suggested to exw that we do this next week or the week after. The DC know their dad has someone new and it's likely long term so this meeting really needs to get done

But what do I say to her? How do I be? What do I wear? I'm so nervous

@bawbells I have 2 DC myself who are a bit older at 17 and almost 22

I just want to make a good impression.

I have nothing against her as I don't know her so I hope she thinks the same way.

She is very highly educated but I only have a degree (though I'm doing a masters)

@DocOck what about joint friends etc - have your paths never crossed?

Even if not legally enforceable, it sounds reasonable. I'd go with a few things to ask eg about lines of communication re the kids, what the ground rules are for the kids (which your DP should agree with ExW after discussing with you). Other than that just go as you normally are - overdressing and too much make up will just scream lack of confidence, so wear what you normally would going to a pub. You'll all be finding it awkward.

What @HappyStep1 said. There is actually no need for this at all and it seems fairly controlling on her part to expect it. If your relationship progresses and you end up spending more time with /doing stuff for the kids then I'd assume you would meet organically at some point.
I mean does she insist on meeting and vetting all his friends? Work colleagues that might at some point meet his kids? Of course not.
And what happens if she doesn't give you the ok?

He expects it too. It's an agreement that they've made on both sides.

Typical of 14 yr old to be having a trying relationship with mum (assuming he lives with her)- teenage rebellion and a normal developmental stage. So if she has to ‘approve’ you does that mean you haven’t even met them casually in all that time? To be honest I agree with the other poster that their vetting of each other’s partners is nonsensical and I’d add unworkable… I’d tread carefully here, EXW to impress then the DC and I’m convinced continuing ‘input’ from EXW…. It’s a tough road ahead for you I fear

You say you don't know her but you've already assumed at least two things about her. You think she will judge you as a downgrade. You think she is the sort of person who likes to know everything. I am not criticising you here, just pointing out that these assumptions about her might be very wrong. If you want to make a good impression, stop worrying about making a good impression and stop imagining how she is. Be yourself. Putting it bluntly, they were married two decades so if her ex-husband likes you then chances are she will too (or at least, not dislike you)!

If you want to do this then go ahead, but how ridiculous to make an agreement like that as they can’t force their new gf/bf to meet someone! My ex husband has remarried and I have never seen or met his wife and never will. I don’t know her, have nothing against her but I have no inclination to meet her. My personal view is you should have your own boundaries and not one dictated by anyone else.

I'd still not tolerate being checked out, but your choice @Blushingm
However, following your comment about the eldest's relationship with her I suspect she checking out the competition and possibly setting up to put you down to the DSC.

Nope never. There are no joint friends anymore, people either went one or the other, and if she's ever been invited to somewhere we're going, she won't go. I've been at school assemblies in the same school hall but never spoken.

You see THIS is a red flag!

You don’t need her agreeing or disagreeing to anything in your lives.

if I were you (and I have been) I’d push back. Put it off and say you don’t need to be involved with his ex.

he is the parent and who he decides is good enough to be a partner for a number of years and to meet his kids is enough

the last thing you need is someone who thinks she has a say in another adult’s life.

dont swap numbers, let everything go through your dp. Stay 100% out of this.

@bawbells you're right - I am making assumptions thinking those things and that's actually quite unfair of me isn't it? I'd never thought if it that way!

I've been at school assemblies in the same school hall but never spoken

See, that sounds way more awkward to me, then sitting in a pub and getting a meeting over with.

Given that OP says that her DH and ex have a mutual social group, the likelihood of being at the same events is high. So why make it awkward for everyone involved, by either avoiding every event, or both being there and trying to pretend that the other doesn't exist?

It sounds civilised to me, to actually meet at this point, recognise the others involvement in your lives and initiate reasonably cordial interaction, ready for when it's needed. The chat doesn't need to be about the kids (with regard to whose role is whose it anything kind that). Simply showing an interest in each other as people, like any other new social introduction, is all that's needed.
Then you can both go about your business and your social life without there being an elephant in the room

Wear something you feel comfortable and will be able to relax in. Talk about the weather, if her journey to the pub was ok, how her Christmas was. Brainstorm some other safe topics before you go.

Has she moved on @Blushingm has she got a new dp? Has your dp had the chance to vet him?

@DocOck they have lots of friends who are couples and they've both remained friends with both halves of the couples - for example DP goes to pub/plays cards with the husbands, all the kids are similar ages and all get on, some are in the same schools/clubs so see each other a lot

No, she's not. She has told DP she's happy as she is

I like that idea - thank you!

She will arrive be herself, I'll arrive in my car with DP

I wouldn't want a formal meeting as such. I think it's very odd to have a agreement like this. What's the purpose of the meeting? What happens if she doesn't like you?
I feel 2 years is an awful long time to have not met his children. I would not invest 2 years with someone and be excluded from a huge part of his life.
It's up to you how you play it. A more usual way of doing this is that at drop off/pick up you would cross over, and maybe have a cuppa max. I don't know anyone ever who has deliberately met the ex partner before the children. Suggest when OH drops them off next Sunday you pop in for 5 mins. Alternatively you could be at OHs when she drops/collects them.
I am presuming you don't live together but that your relationship is ready for the next step. Observe your OH reactions to your input. If he thinks you're right but he seems 'scared' of his ex, that's a red flag for me. Where ever there's exs and children there will inevitably be conflict at some time. Are you confident your values are aligned?

@saraclara civilised is what I'm aiming for 🤞🏻🤞🏻

Oh yeah there is still similar like that, DH will go out with mates who are married her friends, but no 'couples' stuff and the kids are past the age of parents staying at playdates or parties so if it falls on her weekend, she takes them, if it falls on ours he takes them. No need to be in the same place at the same time.

It’s what SHES aiming for that’s potentially your problem

Shes not moved on, you letting her into your life could give her the impression she has a say, it also facilitates her chipping away at you by using the kids

@NaughtybutNice77 I understand what you're saying but that way it would be meeting kids and ex at the same time which I think they both wanted to avoid. Also the layout of his house means the lounge is upstairs so it would mean her coming in and up

No way would I have a formal meeting like this. If it’s organic meeting in the future then fine but no way would I want or expect to be checked out by his ex. The only possible scenario I’d think this might be ok is if there were worries I’d be violent to the children (based on convictions) but this is extreme.

Friend of DB’s, he’s with a new partner and they have DC together plus his kids from his previous relationship with ex wife, she’s been subject to court order (judgment!) saying kids weren’t to see her with her new partner, as he was violent to them. I think both women would come to blows if they did meet.

Find out from your other half about her hobbies and interests to see if you have anything in common so you could say "I hear you enjoy painting" or whatever. Also I can understand someone insisting on meeting the new partner if the children were tiny and couldn't speak up for themselves if the new partner was unkind to them but it seems a bit OTT given the ages of the children.