Meeting the ex wife

[Blushingm]

DP and I have been together almost 2 years.

Their agreement in their divorce says before a new partner meets their DC the other needs to meet the new partner

DP has suggested to exw that we do this next week or the week after. The DC know their dad has someone new and it's likely long term so this meeting really needs to get done

But what do I say to her? How do I be? What do I wear? I'm so nervous

Neither would I! Because what's the consequence of this meeting? If she doesn't like you or approve, does she get to block future contact with you?

Male it a quick coffee. It isn't a vetting or interview, it's just meeting you so make sure it's fairly shallow chit-chat. You don't have to answer any questions you don't want to. Stick to small talk, keep it a two-way conversation, and don't get drawn on him/the children other than you are looking forward to meeting them.

She may well be very nice.

If it does turn tricky or into an 'interview', look confused, say 'sorry, my understanding was this was just an opportunity for us to meet each other, I'm really pleased we did, great to meet you, must dash now, bye' and leave.

I think the layout of the house is a red herring. If that's what they've both chosen that between them but it would raise flags for me as its extremely controlling. It sounds like you get no say or input in this at all. Ultimately I would expect parents to make decisions about children however this sets a precedence going forward. As long as you accept that that in this area at least (I bet there's more) your opinion is of no value and you're not owed any sort of explanation.
BTW have you checked what happens if you don't 'pass through interview'? Remember an interview is a 2 way process. Decide if this woman (and your BF) are compatible with the life you want.

Of course it is not enforceable. It is absolute nonsense and I would not be part of it. Assuming the other person does not have veto rights on a new partner, it serves no purpose.

Please don't meet in a pub. Its a sensitive meeting, you don't need alcohol thrown in.

@GR8GAL we would only be drinking hot chocolate as both her and me would be driving - it's not lot a rowdy pub, most people go there to eat

He's already said she can't stop us seeing each other - her opinion on that is if no consequence - it's purely so she knows who I am etc as eventually her children will meet me

They do serve, non-alcoholic drinks in pubs

This.

Is she going to give you a mark out of 10.

Strange, he should be able to decide if you are ready to meet their children not allow her to veto if she thinks you are unsuitable, otherwise why is it a thing? Very odd.

Yeah I’m also suss about this

this sounds like an informal agreement to me

do you have to ? Must you ? Says who ?

if so I’d arrange a drive by hello and hand shake

why should you have to be uncomfortable
fuck that

Actually I wouldn’t
I really wouldn’t !!

life is too short

Fuck that batshit. Not in a million years would I jump when they both whistled. She may be perfectly nice, and your paths would probably cross at some point anyway, but not at their demand.

DP isn't looking forward to it and neither am I - but going along with it would avoid agro and hopefully put her mind at risk lest that I'm not awful nor wanting to play step mother etc.

Eventually we do hope to live together - possibly when their DC have finished school or are a bit older at least but this is his first relationship since they split and I think she's finding it difficult to get her head around it

Fuck that! Bonkers. Unless they are very, very friendly exes who may occasionally spend special occasions or holidays together, I see absolutely no need for you & her to meet.

You'll have to mentally prepare yourself by accepting at one time he was married to her and they were once a family. If you can respect that without it upsetting you, then you'll do just fine.
She will always be important to him in some way, as he loved her enough once to marry her she's a mother of his children. Many don't agree with me, but she is still considered family as long as the children are involved.

I have step kids and never had an issue with the ex wife because I've always stayed in my lane and never disrespected her in front of the children. Anytime they had an issue where DH tried to drag me into, I say I'm not getting involved and when he complains I say he married her so she couldn't have been that bad.

First time, I would avoid talking about the past and DC unless someone else brings them up. Keep any opinions about marriage and raising children to yourself. She may take offense to what you say even though you meant no harm. Think that you're just trying to get to know her and she's trying to get to know you.

Me and my ex have this agreement but informally, no divorce.

I want to see who is spending time with my children’s ex feels the same.

I want to be friendly with his future partner. We both want to be able to say to our children “I have met mum/dads new dp and we know they are excited to meet you too”. It gives the message that the children don’t need to have divided loyalties.

@Keeva2017 that sounds sensible

The DC know about me and he's said they can meet me if or when they want - he wants this meeting done so if they want to they can.

Just talk about the kids, everyone has their best interest at heart, good to have open lines of communication etc.

I can never get over the MN attitude to this, trying to make out it's something sinister and how dare the mother want to meet someone who is around her kids potentially doing stepmom things 😂

It can be a strange feeling to know a woman is being introduced to their lives who could potentially in future be a stepmother and very important person in their lives.
So a little sensitivity and empathy goes a long way.

In real life, most people I know have met the new girlfriend or met the ex and it went well and was civil and even very friendly.

It's not a big deal at all to meet, but on MN people just love to make out that the ex is an interfering crazy bitch.

It's not a big deal at all to meet, but on MN people just love to make out that the ex is an interfering crazy bitch

its not that ! I just don’t think the OP should have to do it if makes her uncomfortable

which is clearly does as she posted this !

now if they decide to re marry and create a new bonus family then that’s different , but she’s dating him

From what I can gather she likes to know everything

hmm tread slowly
given your comments she sounds pretty strong willed !
And you seem to hear about how they are (amicably ) arranging Co parenting a lot !

im not going all LTB in you at all

but once boundaries are blurred they are hard to regain

@Keeva2017 The parents of one of DD’s friends introduced their respective partners to each other several years ago and they all have a very amicable relationship, all four of them co-parent, tbh.

The Dad’s partner even took the two teenagers on holiday (without their Dad) last year. They were 19 & 17 so old enough to make their own decisions, but that’s how amicable it is.

She doesn't have to but then that might cause issues in the co-parenting relationship, which is not something I would personally want to do if I had any respect for my partner and the co-parenting relationship.

I wouldn't say she's 'dating' him, it's a 2 year relationship

Whereas I read from OP hes about to enter into a custody discussion as he wants 50:50 and his ex doesn’t

given this , knowing this, I’d be keeping a distance …
not meeting her for a hot chocolate !

then what , you get drawn into their custody argument
fuck that

@HamBone that sounds really nice.

Nothing would make me happier than ex finding a new partner that wants an amicable relationship with me. If they don’t then that’s fine too as long as they are kind to my children.

To be clear it’s not about vetting, not in my case at least. It’s about it being odd for your children to have such important people in their lives, because step parents are important, that don’t even have a relationship with the other parent? That’s not natural to me and the alternative of a friendly relationship is better.

Totally reliant on all parties having this attitude but it can’t hurt to aim high.

@Keeva2017
Absolutely, it IS odd. And people try to make out that there's no good reason why an ex should want or should get to meet the new partner. It comes across as extremely disingenuous