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Original poster

Meeting the ex wife

176 replies

Blushingm · 10/01/2024 14:03

DP and I have been together almost 2 years.

Their agreement in their divorce says before a new partner meets their DC the other needs to meet the new partner

DP has suggested to exw that we do this next week or the week after. The DC know their dad has someone new and it's likely long term so this meeting really needs to get done

But what do I say to her? How do I be? What do I wear? I'm so nervous

OP posts:
ShakeNvacStevens · 12/01/2024 12:53

ShakeNvacStevens · 12/01/2024 12:14

@kkloo Have you actually been in this situation as a prospective step parent with the DC’s other parent demanding (not requesting) they meet you? I will repeat again, I have zero issue with a mother wanting to meet the potential step mother and I happily did this myself without any need for persuasion, even though DH’s ex also demanded this of me. This is because I had all the empathy with her that you are championing in your posts.

What I now realise with the benefit of hindsight is that the sense of entitlement that made DC’s mum believe she had the absolute right to tell me I MUST meet her before I could meet the children inevitably bled through into most other areas of my relationship dynamic with DH (and in fact with my DSC). It set the precedent that her boundaries and beliefs were the standard that I/we as a couple were to be held to and her wishes should always trump ours - but she’s just a human being who isn’t always right just because she’s a mother (access was almost 50/50 both financially and with the day-to-day grunt work so it wasn’t like she was better placed to make judgement calls around the DC’s needs).

It’s not immature or snowflakey to decide that actually, yes I’m very happy to meet the children’s mother, but I want to do it when I feel ready not when someone else dictates. There are many things I do in life because it’s a good thing to do e.g. I did (and still do) make birthday cakes for my DSC because they enjoy them and it’s one of many nice little ways I can show my DSC I care for them. If however DSCs mum or dad started demanding I had to bake birthday cakes that’d be indicative of an unhealthy dynamic. It’s not the action itself that’s problematic but the driving force behind it.

*Won't let me edit so just clarifying to say access was almost 50/50 but financials were almost 50/50 in that DH chose to pay more than 50% as he earned more (no problem there at all) - I just realised how that might have read!

pushbaum · 12/01/2024 12:56

kkloo · 12/01/2024 11:30

@Hatenewyear
I'm not talking about having to have respect for someone who is causing a lot of difficulties or trouble.

The ex wife in this scenario hasn't at all.

I'm talking about a scenario like the OPs where they haven't yet met, and there has been no issues, and some people are like "nope, fuck that I wouldn't be doing that".

Edited

But she is refusing for her ex-H to have more custody of their DCs. That in itself is difficult.

ShakeNvacStevens · 12/01/2024 12:57

Blushingm · 12/01/2024 12:50

@chocrolos they struggled at first with their parents splitting. None of their close friends parents have split either so no friends they can really talk to who have been in their situation. DP is very cautious about upsetting them - he wants life to be as easy as possible for them so it protective

Have you and your DP discussed what his expectations are of you are regarding his DC when you do eventually get to meet them?

How do you see your future with him - are you hoping to eventually move in together? Has he given you any indication as to his style of parenting e.g. authoritative, permissive etc?

Original poster
Blushingm · 12/01/2024 13:03

@ShakeNvacStevens yes eventually we plan on living together. I have my DS who is 21 and DD who is 17 at home with me and he has his 2 and neither house is big enough for that.

Plus his DC are in school in the city whereas my DD is on school in a town not far away.

Not sure how it would work as obviously his DC need to be close to their school and DD has her school for now and will need somewhere to come back to in university holidays when she goes.

WRT parenting styles we are very similar in that each situation is approached on a case by case basis. Both of us value education but also want to promote self sufficiency and independence

OP posts:
Original poster
Blushingm · 12/01/2024 13:04

In reference to meeting g his DC I don't think either of us have expectations - respect on both sides but see how the relationships develop naturally

OP posts:
Ringonrighthand · 12/01/2024 13:07

I’m the mum in this case and I asked to meet my daughters dads new partner when it seemed they were getting serious. We had a few texts and arranged a coffee in a local cafe just me and her, had an hour or so where we just chatted all sorts (life, peri menopause, kids etc) I thanked her for meeting me and she totally understood why I wanted to. I also thanked her for being kind and inclusive to my daughter and said she thinks a lot of her and her kids and I really hope it works between her and my ex. We get on absolutely fine and my daughter has no awkwardness with any of her parents or step parents (her dad and my husband have met loads of times).

I don’t think there always has to be an ulterior motive or a negative connotation for this, some people just want to meet people their kids will be staying over with regularly and going on holiday with etc.

good luck op I hope it’s a nice easy afternoon and you all come away from it happy

whatsitcalledwhen · 12/01/2024 13:21

As the informal agreement was mutual OP, surely your partner would also want to meet a serious partner of his ex in similar circumstances?

Original poster
Blushingm · 12/01/2024 13:33

@whatsitcalledwhen he's said he would and I can understand why just so they're not strangers

OP posts:
Indifferentchickenwings · 12/01/2024 13:46

to be fair I didn’t end in great terms with either my ex or my ex ex

so this colours my response 100%

would i have wanted to meet the ex wife of ex ? No

would I want to meet the new partner of my ex ex , also no

That said it’s feel like early days and no need to rush this

Co parenting is still some way off let alone living together

but it’s happening so hope it’s ok

Myglassishalffullish · 12/01/2024 14:55

Might be less awkward if you met her on your own without your partner there? 🤔 x

Original poster
Blushingm · 12/01/2024 17:13

She's said today - that she now doesn't want to meet me unless their DC ask to meet me

I'm not sure what to think now. DP says he will try and push her but obviously can't force her......

I'm worrying now that when DP and I are out what happens if we happen to bump in to either of the DC or her. I'm thinking it would be better to get it out of the way.....

OP posts:
NextStopDivorce · 12/01/2024 18:49

Blushingm · 12/01/2024 17:13

She's said today - that she now doesn't want to meet me unless their DC ask to meet me

I'm not sure what to think now. DP says he will try and push her but obviously can't force her......

I'm worrying now that when DP and I are out what happens if we happen to bump in to either of the DC or her. I'm thinking it would be better to get it out of the way.....

Your DP definitely shouldn't push for it - why would he want to do that? Forcing the meeting just makes for antagonism when there needn't be any.

Tbh maybe bumping into her would be the best option anyway - it's not like your relationship is a secret or needs to be hidden, and a casual 'hi' takes the formality out of it.

Canthave2manycats · 12/01/2024 18:53

DocOck · 10/01/2024 15:10

That is an agreement between them and not legally enforceable. My DH's ex tried to pull all that kind of shit. Almost 6 years later and I've still never met her and never intend to. I've never met my children's stepmother either.

I think that's a bit odd tbh?

This sounds like a civilised arrangement with the children's interests at the heart of it.

@Blushingm he really hasn't "downgraded" - he doesn't want to be with his ex!

Just be yourself - she doesn't have to like you anyway, but it might smooth things over for the future when his children are also in your life. At least you get to suss her out.

Original poster
Blushingm · 12/01/2024 18:54

@NextStopDivorce I think his thinking is if we do bump in to her and/or his kids by accident it may be worse than just meeting her and getting it out of the way

OP posts:
Canthave2manycats · 12/01/2024 18:58

Oh just saw your update.

He needs to tell her then that he wants his kids to meet you. She can then either meet you or not as she wishes.

Sounds like you and your DP have been sensible and reasonable about the whole thing.

jelly79 · 12/01/2024 19:04

Blushingm · 12/01/2024 17:13

She's said today - that she now doesn't want to meet me unless their DC ask to meet me

I'm not sure what to think now. DP says he will try and push her but obviously can't force her......

I'm worrying now that when DP and I are out what happens if we happen to bump in to either of the DC or her. I'm thinking it would be better to get it out of the way.....

If it's an agreement then surely she has to agree otherwise you can just go ahead and skip this step and meet the DC?

Original poster
Blushingm · 12/01/2024 19:08

He does want them to meet me and told them they can when and if they want to. I come up in conversation with them often (apparently) and they ask how I am

OP posts:
kkloo · 12/01/2024 19:39

ShakeNvacStevens · 12/01/2024 12:14

@kkloo Have you actually been in this situation as a prospective step parent with the DC’s other parent demanding (not requesting) they meet you? I will repeat again, I have zero issue with a mother wanting to meet the potential step mother and I happily did this myself without any need for persuasion, even though DH’s ex also demanded this of me. This is because I had all the empathy with her that you are championing in your posts.

What I now realise with the benefit of hindsight is that the sense of entitlement that made DC’s mum believe she had the absolute right to tell me I MUST meet her before I could meet the children inevitably bled through into most other areas of my relationship dynamic with DH (and in fact with my DSC). It set the precedent that her boundaries and beliefs were the standard that I/we as a couple were to be held to and her wishes should always trump ours - but she’s just a human being who isn’t always right just because she’s a mother (access was almost 50/50 both financially and with the day-to-day grunt work so it wasn’t like she was better placed to make judgement calls around the DC’s needs).

It’s not immature or snowflakey to decide that actually, yes I’m very happy to meet the children’s mother, but I want to do it when I feel ready not when someone else dictates. There are many things I do in life because it’s a good thing to do e.g. I did (and still do) make birthday cakes for my DSC because they enjoy them and it’s one of many nice little ways I can show my DSC I care for them. If however DSCs mum or dad started demanding I had to bake birthday cakes that’d be indicative of an unhealthy dynamic. It’s not the action itself that’s problematic but the driving force behind it.

No, it wouldn't get to the point of her needing to demand anything, because I'd be fine with a simple request.

If a mother makes a simple request to meet and the person does not want to then it's only natural that that is going to cause issues and concern in the mother. It's strange to refuse. Humans don't like strange behaviour like that, it tends to make us suspicious ..........saying "No I won't meet" doesn't just have an effect of the 2 women not meeting, it would also be likely to have an effect of causing suspicion, upset etc,

Also with your example about a mother demanding you make cakes, then that's the odd behaviour in that scenario.

In real life it is very common that the mother wants to meet the woman who is going to be around the kids and the father wants to meet the man who is going to be around his kids, some mothers don't want to meet. But both scenarios are normal.

In real life most mothers don't go around demanding that new people in their kids lives start baking cakes.

So you're comparing normal requests to abnormal requests.

There's no suggestion that the mother in this case has been demanding anything anyway. Her and the dad came to an agreement.

kkloo · 12/01/2024 19:41

pushbaum · 12/01/2024 12:56

But she is refusing for her ex-H to have more custody of their DCs. That in itself is difficult.

Show quote history

No it isn't 😂

Appleofmyeye2023 · 12/01/2024 19:54

BloodyAdultDC · 10/01/2024 14:11

I'd be VERY interested to read the court paperwork that requires you to meet the ex before being introduced to the kids.

Surely it's a courtesy but I very much doubt it a legal requirement

This. In English law that’d be a stretch.
besides…
in gods name what for? what’s the point?
she can’t veto her kids seeing their dad with a new women legally. She can’t object to you legally.she can’t veto you looking after then for short periods if their dad has agreed with you that you’ll do that ( hopefully not for a while yet 🤷🏼‍♀️)
or is she going to read you a list of do and donuts about her kids? Get you to sign a contra about being in their presence…fuck that…and up to dad not her
just sounds like control.

sh may get on with you- but her kids hate you. They may love you and her hate you. The point is your relationship will be with them not her . Her opinion of you matters not one jot.

id be saying nope.

I would say you’ll meet her if, and only if and when, you have an established relationship with the kids, and on your terms too, with the kids and her ex around so she has to play nice.

her stbex (now ex) agreed to force some poor women (future partner) to do a ludicrous thing at time of his divorce. Tell him you’re not his and his ex pawn to force into meetings if you don’t want to. Tough.

or you could play nice and go. But she’ll always be boss of what you can and can’t do in future. And that assumed control rolling on through years will cause a lot of hassle fr you.

Appleofmyeye2023 · 12/01/2024 20:03

Blushingm · 10/01/2024 16:11

@juicelooseabootthishoose I'm not expecting to be friends (I don't think we have many interests in common) but I'd like to able to civil and for her to think I'm an ok person and I'm not there to be a step mother to their kids or anything like that

DP says he's happy with me and it would make life so much easier all around if me & her can be civil to one another

There is a MASSIVE difference between being friendly, helpful, cooperative and civil , to being made to attend an “interview” ahead of meeting her kids.

it’s about who’s calling the shots and trying to have power etc.

you fall for this, it’ll put the kiss of death on future civil relationships- she’ll always be one who assumes she is in command and can control your behaviour around her kids, and your relationship with them.

a civil, friendly , cooperative relationship will build slowly and careful through mutual trust as you start to interact bit by bit over the forgotten homework, the missing football kits, the running late etc etc.

Indifferentchickenwings · 12/01/2024 20:37

Blushingm

shall we generously assume maybe she’s nervous too? It’s freaked you enough to start a thread about it
she must have similar

its a bit of an ordeal for both of you to be fair

let it be

see what happens organically

SaturdayFive · 12/01/2024 20:41

It would be a bit odd to me, having to comply with any rule that was set up as part of a previous relationship that my partner had. I would just say no, I don't want to do it. As it implies that your own relationship is inferior and you are not a full person somehow. Meeting a partner's ex / mother of his kids would arise naturally (or not). This whole thing sounds a bit like you're being treated as a prospective employee. I wouldn't like that. Are the partner and the ex going to talk about you afterwards?

kkloo · 12/01/2024 20:49

SaturdayFive · 12/01/2024 20:41

It would be a bit odd to me, having to comply with any rule that was set up as part of a previous relationship that my partner had. I would just say no, I don't want to do it. As it implies that your own relationship is inferior and you are not a full person somehow. Meeting a partner's ex / mother of his kids would arise naturally (or not). This whole thing sounds a bit like you're being treated as a prospective employee. I wouldn't like that. Are the partner and the ex going to talk about you afterwards?

It doesn't in any way imply that your own relationship is inferior. If anything it's the opposite and it recognises that your relationship is something with longevity and everyone is expecting that you're going to be around the kids and part of their lives for a long time or forever

SpongeBob2022 · 13/01/2024 09:05

Only read a few pages but read your comments, OP. You sound rational and sensible...exactly what I would want for someone my ex (if I had one) chose in a new partner.

They came up with this arrangement when all this was completely hypothetical. They wanted to know who their children, the most precious things to them in the world and who they were trying to put first at the time, would be spending large amounts of time with. This should be commended IMO.

Now that this is an actual scenario, reality has hit home and she maybe feels as awkward as you do/doubting there is really a need to etc. But again still putting the views of the children first. I actually do think it's a good thing to do to avoid you both seeing each other as a 'giant unknown' but I don't think it's a deal breaker either way.

As to feeling second best, he has chosen to be with you so there is no need to feel that way. If anything I would feel worse being her because regardless of your characteristics, he has 'chosen' you. And if she meets you and thinks she's better than you, who cares. The reality is it'll probably work better if she's not jealous/seeing you as a threat!

With some of the negative comments on this thread I'm not surprised there are so many rubbish relationships out there, which is such a shame when there are children involved.

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