Meeting the ex wife

[Blushingm]

DP and I have been together almost 2 years.

Their agreement in their divorce says before a new partner meets their DC the other needs to meet the new partner

DP has suggested to exw that we do this next week or the week after. The DC know their dad has someone new and it's likely long term so this meeting really needs to get done

But what do I say to her? How do I be? What do I wear? I'm so nervous

@Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain I'm definitely not violent and have no criminal record!!! Enhanced DBS to prove it!!!

She's told DP that she thinks kids would be better off without him. He currently has the DC 5 out of 14 nights but he wants 50:50 - one week on the next week off but she's said she won't consider changing their arrangement - they met up before Christmas as it was more than 2 years since their divorce so it was to review it

Some people here are reading deeply nefarious motivations into her wanting to meet you. I think it's ok for her to want to meet the person her kids will be spending time with, particularly if it will be in a domestic set-up which it could well be if you're making long-term plans.

That said, try not to be too nervous, you may end up disclosing too much about yourself and regret it afterwards. Just dress in your favourite comfortable clothes, be polite, think through some safe topics beforehand and put a time limit on the meeting - you could ask your dp to let her know you have to be somewhere an hour later than the meeting time.

If they were together for 20 years, there's a good chance you'll get along ok.

At the end of the day she just wants to be aware of the person who will be spending time (including overnight and long periods such as holidays) with her kids. Nothing about judgement. It’s a normal thing with new partners

It would be more of a red flag if she didn’t want to know you. No doubt the same conversation will happen in reverse if she ever does find a partner

Just be yourself and that will build her comfort and trust. Stay on safe topics at the start but there may be a point, either in this meeting or later, where it goes a bit deeper about how the relationship between you and the children will be in the future

I don’t think you are violent, at all!

The Ex wife here though sounds manipulative. I used to work with divorce lawyers in a previous life and we’d deal with exes set on revenge all the time. Quite exhausting really. I think 50/50 sounds fair to your partner.

@Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain he would love 50:50 he really misses them when he doesn't have them

OP please don’t go into this with the ‘she’s thinner / better / richer’ mindset, this really won’t help you in the hard years ahead. Even if she’s the lowest conflict woman alive (you’d be lucky), being in a relationship with a man with children can be pretty rough & you need your esteem to be HIGH to deal with these knocks!

I’d either say let’s forget it and stay as you are. Is there any need to meet kids right now? DP can explain to kids whilst he’s serious about you, he’s focused on them and that for the time being you’ll just stick to seeing each other in his free time.

Or id ensure to look polished but casual, research a few neutral topics for chatting and remember that there are two sides to each story. As tempting as it is to believe her to be controlling or not trusting, he may well have presented ample reasons for her to be that way over the years of marriage.

If anything tense or uncomfortable arises, simply say “DP and I haven’t spoken too much about our previous relationships” and feign ignorance over anything controversial

I did this. I was a nervous wreck. And then in hindsight it was the best thing I did.

It cut out the middle man-who relays things a particular way/filters. It also allows any party who has been painted as an ogre to just turn up and be a perfectly normal civil human. Even if you dont create an amazing impression it still sufficiently casts doubt on any negative narratives.

And actually ive found that sometimes as someone perhaps more on my wavelength she has backed me when the ex was in the wrong. Just once or twice. But because she had seen that i am not in the habit of going round being unreasonable about everything.

@juicelooseabootthishoose thank you!!!!!! Can I ask how it went a bit more? As in where was it? How did conversation start? Who started it? Was it awkward etc?

A cafe. Just one coffee and done. 30 mins maybe.

Not as awkward as i was worried. Chatted about the kids mostly-common ground. Sort of said look i have no issue kids seem to like you-you make their dad happy its great for them if hes happy. She talked about knowing her place. Wont always agree but no reason to be difficult. Think both of us were nervous actually.

We never repeated it. Didn't swap numbers until many years later. Emergency use only. We arent friends and thats fine by me but happy to be in same room and chat at special occasions

It's not always bad... I met exs new partner, not quite before she met the kids but around the same time.

Little different, she had moved her son to my children's school so we would be 'bumping' into each other and my ex MIL had done a lot of shit stirring and for me it was nice to meet her and see she was 'normal'. She was very nervous and tbh I had a lot of respect for the fact she met me anyway. We mostly talked about her children and a little about mine. They've been together 6/7 years now and its all really amicable. She's even babysat my 18 month old (and i did many a school pick up whilst on mat leave)

I don't see much of her now kids are at secondary but use to see her at school events and still see her at kids birthdays and some sports events.

On the other side he wasn't bothered about meeting my partner but has since got to know him well enough.

@juicelooseabootthishoose I'm not expecting to be friends (I don't think we have many interests in common) but I'd like to able to civil and for her to think I'm an ok person and I'm not there to be a step mother to their kids or anything like that

DP says he's happy with me and it would make life so much easier all around if me & her can be civil to one another

I've met some of the husbands of their social circle a few times but none of the wives though the wives know he's with me

That’s what he says

@Tewkesbury yes he does but his 2 friends also said that the son and his mum haven't been getting on recently when we were out with them - not in a nasty way just in conversation

I think you should look her in the eyes, smile and be very friendly. Remember she is someone who wants to meet you. It's likely she is just sussing out someone who is going to spend more time around her children. Just be yourself and show you are open to having a civil relationship with her.
As a mother, think about how you would feel if the tables were turned and act accordingly.

On seeing your more recent posts - I think that your dp wanting 50/50 and her not wanting him to have that much access suggests continuing conflict and some tricky times ahead.

I'd approach the whole situation with the ex-wife with a lot of caution and reservation as their issues are yet to be resolved.

Seems odd to me too

I would absolutely not be playing this game. I'm not gonna be vetted by someone else's ex wife, certainly not for two 11+ children. How ridiculous.

Would your DP really want to vet her new partner? What for? If she decides she doesn't like you, then what?

Definitely this. If she decides she doesn't like you and refuses more contact is he prepared to go to court or ask his eldest what he wants?

This sounds crackers and can't be enforceable. He needs to sort out arrangements for when the children will be staying with him/his ex. You should stop worrying what she thinks of you.

Just to give another side of things, I asked to meet my exes new partner before she was introduced to the children. It wasn’t to “interview” her or anything like that but she was a woman who was about to take on a pretty important role in my children’s life and I simply wanted to put a name to face. I wanted to be able to say hello if I ever bumped into them and make any future interactions less awkward. To be fair I didn’t do a sit down as such, but would have done if they suggested it. I simply introduced myself and said I hoped they all got along ok etc. any issues, let me know. We ended up being pretty friendly and she contacted me directly, would pick the kids up instead of him sometimes.

They’ve split up now and we didn’t do the same thing and I found it a bit weird that a stranger was spending time with my children. I have since met her, but am not as keen as I was on his previous ex, I think maybe part of it was that I feel they didn’t go about things in the right way, just rushing through meeting the kids and did it behind my back. She also has kids and I just think it’s not the way I would go about things so she’s probably not my cup of tea. Time will tell I suppose.

I’ll also add my children were toddlers the first time around and older age primary kids this time around so it’s a bit different I suppose. I can’t imagine wanting to meet new partners when they are teenagers.

I’d just go, stick to some safe topics and think of a few non-committal responses in case she decides to be a bit nosey etc. make sure you and your partner have an exit strategy in case it’s awkward and you need to get out. Somewhere else you need to go after a set time or even a safe word for a “get me out of here” I really hope you don’t need it but you might feel better if you know you have a way to “escape” if need be lol.

Be careful and remember that:
A) Your DP has (presumably) left one woman before.
B) You are getting a highly edited version of events (i.e your DP's) version. There are always two sides to every story.

@Lookingforunicorns he didn't leave her

And yes I understand I'm only seeing his side.

The way I'm looking at it as they were together over 20 years she must have some good traits

Just be yourself and wear what feels comfortable. She is not better or worse than you, she us just a woman who used to be married to your partner! Say it's nice to meet you and let her lead the conversation as she's the one wanting the meeting!