Meeting the ex wife

[Blushingm]

DP and I have been together almost 2 years.

Their agreement in their divorce says before a new partner meets their DC the other needs to meet the new partner

DP has suggested to exw that we do this next week or the week after. The DC know their dad has someone new and it's likely long term so this meeting really needs to get done

But what do I say to her? How do I be? What do I wear? I'm so nervous

@Blushingm I think you are over thinking this. On one hand it is possibly a responsible thing for a parent to meet people who will be interacting with their children, on the other, you wouldn't necessarily choose to do this, and would sort of expect their father to be trusted to have his children's best interests considered with his choice of partner (namely you).

You don't need to impress or not, you are under no obligation to get on with her, or not, you just need to be civil and get it over with. Just treat it like a business meeting. I would actually suggest a coffee as it will be over faster.

As others have said, wear what makes you feel comfortable. From what you said, their agreement is that she meets you, and nothing further, so if she doesn't like you, so what? As long as she can reasonably expect her children to be safe (which clearly they can be), it doesn't actually matter what else she thinks.

Completely agree with the other poster, she's definitely not better than you.

I think it's a bit unfair to force this uncomfortable situation onto you. They may have agreed between themselves but I think that's a bit unfair when it affects someone else who hasn't agreed to this.

Will your OH be going with you? Do they usually get on well?

Why did they split up?
I think that is key to what their relationship is like now and possibly why she wants to vet you and doesn't want 50/50.
Obviously you have only got his version of events to go on but what has he said?

To what extent is he in conflict with his ex wife about this?

@Illpickthatup yes he's definitely going to be there - it's not just me and her

@pushbaum - he has always wanted 50:50.

When they split he moved out to a 2 bed rented flat whilst the divorce went through - he couldn't afford the big house and she could so she bought him out.

He owns his own house now so is all settled

She has said she won't consider increasing his days. He suggested the 4 of them sit down and discuss it but she's said no. He's going to get legal advice as see where he stands though it will be expensive to go to court if he can manage it he will do that but he would rather sort it without all that

@Jonisaysitbest according to DP the relationship was struggling for a long time.......he felt he wasn't seen as an equal in anything - household decisions, where they lived, decisions around the children - they had drifted apart and found as they got older they had less and less in common and real shared interests. Covid highlighted this - no infidelity, no abuse just couldn't be together anymore

When I met my DH’s ex it was totally fine. I was bricking it beforehand but she arrived and was shaking and we both laughed at how weird it was! The nerves were actually quite a good icebreaker.

It costs about £230 to go to court. He can self represent. At the kids ages, particularly the older one the judge will likely take their wants into consideration so if the older one says he wants to live with his dad full time and there's no reason why he shouldn't the chances are he'll be granted it.

Oh, and whilst DH and the ex do t get along very well (they have 50:50) me and her have successfully maintained a superficial civility which is really useful. So I think it’s worth doing even though at the time I would have preferred being pulled across hot coals.

Incidentally I’ve also met lots of the husbands but have been firmly rejected by the wives! Makes me laugh now. One of them recently asked us for dinner and because I’m a petty bitch I was like “nahhh”.

Well if she's that intransigent, then it may well head to court. As such, it's important to him (if there's a future legal issue) that he keeps to the agreement in having you meet her if you and he want to spend time with his dcs. You're helping him by going along with it.

With what sounds like a conflict looming, if I was you I would keep the meeting very very perfunctory, just to fulfil the legal obligation. Maximum half an hour, be pleasant of course but there's no need for you to be anything other than polite and reserved. If the custody issue gets settled amicably, hopefully you can get on ok in future but for now I'd treat it as a technicality or before you know it you could get sucked into a drama that's not of your making.

@Illpickthatup that's sort of what I said to him - obviously he would rather avoid the DC having to go to court but at the ages they're at then their views should be taken into consideration

@pushbaum what you say sounds very wise

She's a qualified lawyer and he nor I am not. Avoiding any sort of conflict is my plan

Don’t let her being a qualified lawyer be the case that she wants things her way. Some (not all) female lawyers can be quite strident when it comes to their wants.

There's already a conflict between them about their custody arrangements.
If I was you I wouldn't arrive with your dp, drive or otherwise get there yourself so you can make a getaway if she tries to provoke a conflict with you. Seriously, if she has legal expertise and is in dispute with your dp you're walking into a difficult situation already.

But even with her legal expertise, if she goes to court and a judge rules against her and in favour of her ex-H (here’s hoping) then that means nothing ultimately. Unless she wants to do which the ex-W of a client of my ex boss did which was to challenge each and everything her ex-H did. We just used to sigh every time we received her tedious letters, she was rich though, so could afford this.

You’re being vetted by his ex wife and he’s encouraging it?? Run for the bills OP, fast as you can.

Divorce lawyer here. It's a Parenting Agreement which isn't as formal as a court order but still ought to be complied with, particularly if DP is heading for a potential showdown over increasing the DCs time with him.
It doesn't matter what she thinks of you. It's just an obligation they've voluntarily signed up to (albeit technically unenforceable) that personally (as a divorced parent) I find a bit silly. You have to trust the other parent with their choices.

Keep it light and informal. You aren't being interviewed. It's a courtesy. If she asks awkward questions try to answer honestly and without getting defensive but if it gets intrusive make light of it "I didn't think this was going to be an interview, haha". Bear in mind that she may try to use whatever is said against DP in any future court application he may make so try not to get involved in too much talk about the DCs and your involvement in their care/suitability. You aren't being interviewed for a nanny position. She just wants to see you're an ok person for her kids to spend a lot of time with.

Wanting to move to 50/50 is not rocket science and he could do all of it himself. But if it were me I would get a solicitor's advice at the stage where he does his statement and then use a barrister for the final hearing. Simple cases like this are now dealt with on paper at a half day hearing.

Oh for goodness sake she is not being vetted. A woman wants to meet the woman who will be spending time with her kids. Not an unreasonable request

If a poster came on here and said my exDH wants the kids to meet his new partner, there would be responses saying that the poster should meet her first before the kids

This....can't say I've ever heard of anything like this before? For all the children and his ex knows you could be just a friend. There's no law to say someone's children can't meet a friend of there's, not unless your on a some form of criminal register. Be mindful as it sounds rather controlling. What ages are the children.

There is not a chance I would agree to that.

It's not enforceable, you didn't agree to it, and the fact that he is placing you in this situation is a red flag a mile high.

Ask questions, be politely curious. It's pretty natural to want to meet the person living with your kids. I was always lovely to them. And also I wanted them to see for themselves I was not the monster he made me out to be. Some of them remained friends look after he'd left the scene.

Just be yourself and ask her questions about herself and the kids, show an interest in her. If you're going to be with your partner for the long term you need to get on with her for the kids.

I'm super lucky that I'm now friends with my ex husband's fiancé but it's taken lots of hard work and a few fallings out 😂

She's not better than you and you're not better than her, so try not to compare yourself, you are good enough for him and their kids! Good luck x

It's probably good if she thinks he downgraded (which he clearly hasnt as he chose you). Much better chance that things will be amicable if she doesn't view you with jealousy and resentment though.

From the perspective of an ex...

If there are children involved and your DP and his ex are basically amicable, then it can be a really helpful and healthy way forward. It's reassuring to have met the person with whom one's children are spending significant time. It's not about approval. In some very amicable situations if the ex and new partner have met, perhaps in the future it might be tolerable to be very occasionally in the same general company (think child's birthday celebration etc).

I think you're being very gracious considering this meeting. It doesn't need to be a long meeting or a formal one. Be strong - she is an ex for a reason so there is no need to feel inferior in any way; it sounds like your DP is committed to your future together and if this is something they agreed to when they split he is just trying to do things in a reasonable way.