Meeting the ex wife

[Blushingm]

DP and I have been together almost 2 years.

Their agreement in their divorce says before a new partner meets their DC the other needs to meet the new partner

DP has suggested to exw that we do this next week or the week after. The DC know their dad has someone new and it's likely long term so this meeting really needs to get done

But what do I say to her? How do I be? What do I wear? I'm so nervous

I think the ex wife is doing this for the children's sake.
If she still had feelings for your DP I don't think she would do it because it would be crushing to meet the women he now loves and to sit alone opposite the pair of you - why would she do that?
I think you are worrying unnecessarily and actually the meeting will probably be harder for you than her.
Give her the benefit of the doubt and go along with an open mind. It doesn't have to be a long meeting and you might actually like each other.
Your DP loved her once and she is the mother of the children you are now becoming fond of so it could be a good thing for all of you to meet up and get along.
Good luck x

Sorry I meant "harder for HER than you!"

Be yourself and don't compare yourself.

I can totally understand an ex wanting to meet the new partner but expecting it to be enforceable demonstrates a lack of respect (from both the parents making that agreement) towards the agency of a new partner to be able to decide for themselves whether they want to meet their DP’s ex. I’d say this is concerning in itself - not specifically against the ex but regarding the dynamics you might be getting sucked into. The desire to meet is natural, the insistence is a red flag - after all what are they going to do if they don’t like you? I’d also worry about the timing of your DP wanting to go for 50/50 - the assumption will be he’s pushing for it only because you’re now on the scene even if the truth is you had nothing to do with you - I can guarantee this will cause you grief.

I agreed to meet my DH’s ex and with hindsight I wish I hadn’t. I went in with an attitude pretty much the way you’re coming across here OP; nervous, eager to make a good impression and very much wanting everything to be amicable between us. I think she interpreted that as me being a bit wishy-washy and she treated me as though I was beneath her during all the years she was regularly involved in our lives (DSC are adults now so she no longer has any influence on us). Be very, very wary - personally if you still want to meet the ex I’d actually go by myself so you’re dealing with each other as equals instead of you “hiding” behind your DP.

but expecting it to be enforceable demonstrates a lack of respect (from both the parents making that agreement) towards the agency of a new partner to be able to decide for themselves whether they want to meet their DP’s ex

you Have articulated this perfectly

@ShakeNvacStevens

I can totally understand an ex wanting to meet the new partner but expecting it to be enforceable demonstrates a lack of respect (from both the parents making that agreement) towards the agency of a new partner to be able to decide for themselves whether they want to meet their DP’s ex. I’d say this is concerning in itself - not specifically against the ex but regarding the dynamics you might be getting sucked into.

She's not just meeting the DP's ex though, she's meeting the mother of the children she's about to be introduced to. She's not being introduced because she's the partners ex.

I'd say it's far more concerning and shows an even higher lack of respect if a new partner decides to use their 'agency' and decides not to meet the ex even though it's clearly important to the mother of those children.

And as the parents have previously agreed to this, if the new partner decided nope I'm not doing that then the mother is likely to be extremely concerned about the dynamics that her children are getting sucked into, with a new partner who is seemingly hostile to her for no good reason, because that's exactly how it would be taken.

If a woman is going to be introduced to another womans children as a potential future stepmother I think they should have a bit of empathy and decency for the woman who actually gave birth to and raised those kids, It's not that hard to say hello and have a little chat.

I'd say it's far more concerning and shows an even higher lack of respect if a new partner decides to use their 'agency' and decides not to meet the ex even though it's clearly important to the mother of those children.

Why does a new partner need to 'respect' an ex anymore than she should respect new partner? There is a very strong taste of the first wives club having a very superior attitude.

In my experience, I would have met the ex (in the very early days) if she'd wanted to but not through any respect to her, but to try and build a decent relationship for the children. Instead she was more interested in scoring points and being a nasty mean bitch so it didn't happen. Had she been grown up enough to realise this it might have lead to a much better situation for all (including her children) but she still fails to acknowledge this. Respect is not a word I would use around her.

I think you're overthinking this OP. If the agreement to meet each others partners was signed by BOTH of them, then surely your partner would also be requiring his ex-wife to make the gesture if/when she finds someone.

The problem is you're having conversations with his ex-wife in your head and responding accordingly. And then you're putting your insecurities on her by thinking she will look down on you because she hPpens to be a high achiever.

For all you know, she could be nervous, too.

Work on your self-confidence and meet her. Don't listen to those suggesting you back out. It's not gracious.

Also, it's not a competition, and please don't assume that just because the 14-year-old has a difficult relationship with his mum, he will love you.

Well done to your partner for waiting 18 months to tell his children about you. It shows he wanted to be sure the relationship had legs before telling them.

Dress normally and treat it like a networking event. You might even end up friends, you never know. Just stop with the insecure talk. It's very unattractive.

@Jioyt your response sounds very sensible though I'm not expecting the 14 yo to love me. I do know he's said he wants to live with his dad but she says no - if anything I don't want her thinking I'd judge her on this or anything, I know how hard it can be - my DS was 14 when I split from my DC dad

Your posts lose credibility when you start going on about 'first wives club' without even waiting for answers to your questions.

It's not about having respect for an 'ex'. She wouldn't be introduced if she was just an ex.

It's about having respect for the fact that she's the mother of the children you're being introduced to.

You'd want to be severely lacking in empathy to not on a human level have some respect for the mother of the children you're meeting and understand that it's quite a big deal for a mother to have a potential future stepmother coming into her childrens lives.

Ah yeah as if they'll all be sitting there sipping orange juice

If you have to go through this ridiculous charade then let her do the talking. You don't need to put her at ease.

Don't stand their like Lizzie Dripping. Be confident and look her in the eye and say "Hello, I'm Jane. Anything you wish to ask me, please do so."

If you come across as nervous or unsure and she's a confident woman she will make mincemeat you.

@kkloo What you're saying makes perfect sense in theory - as I explained in my post I approached my meeting with DH’s ex with the same consideration for her, wanting nothing more than to reassure her that I respected her as the children’s mother and had no intention of stepping on anyone’s toes. If the children’s mother (I’ll use this for ease - can be fathers too) expresses a wish to meet the new partner then I don’t see that as raising any red flags at all.

What the crucial factor is here though is the insistence from mum that she gets to meet the new partner (and the dad for agreeing to this). Basically it’s saying that the new partner shouldn’t have the agency to make decisions with reference only to their own relationship with their DP, not with the ex as well. If the Dad in this scenario deems it appropriate to introduce his new partner to his children then that is good enough, and new partner can meet the DC’s mother in due course if they both want to. If the mum has an issue with this it’s for her to have this out with dad, not to demand a 3rd party who was not part of this “agreement” to capitulate. The thinking behind this kind of entitlement from the other parent NEVER exists in isolation, and it’s only with the hindsight of lived experience that I can predict the likely outcome of the dynamics that OP is walking into.

If you get into a relationship with a parent though and are then going to be introduced to the children then I think people need to get over themselves thinking about their 'agency' when it comes to meeting the childrens mother. I think that's a very immature and pretty ridiculous, snowflakey attitude towards the seriousness of the situation, you're potentially going to be the kids stepmother in future.

You say if he deems it appropriate to introduce the partner then that's good enough, but that's not the agreement that that particular couple made when they made their co-parenting agreement. The dad is likely to feel the same way as the mother which is why he wants to stick to the agreement because he would like to be shown the same courtesy and deems it important.

There has been no suggestion that the mum has tried to insist anything or demand the 3rd party to capitulate. All the OP said is that they had that agreement and now the time has come to introduce so he's setting up the date. There has been no suggestion that anyone has expressed any reluctance about this to the mother so why would the mum be having it out with the dad or OP or anyone at all or having to force or demand or insist?

I'd direct you to my third paragraph before launching into a tirade about my lack of empathy.

Respect is earned, it's not an automatic because she gave birth to your husband's children.

Tirade 😂
I read your third paragraph, I still thought your posts do show a lack of empathy.

I'm different than you then. I'd very much respect the mother of my partners children as a mother and have consideration for her feelings if I was meeting her kids.

Maybe for you 'respect is earned', but many others do have respect for the mothers of their partners children on a human level, especially when there has been zero issues between them...and they don't have the "'respect is earned' attitude in that scenario.

@kkloo I challenge you to meet the mother of my husband's children and have any respect for her.

You have no empathy for a situation outside your own so you're really not one to lecture on it.

@Hatenewyear
I'm not talking about having to have respect for someone who is causing a lot of difficulties or trouble.

The ex wife in this scenario hasn't at all.

I'm talking about a scenario like the OPs where they haven't yet met, and there has been no issues, and some people are like "nope, fuck that I wouldn't be doing that".

@kkloo Have you actually been in this situation as a prospective step parent with the DC’s other parent demanding (not requesting) they meet you? I will repeat again, I have zero issue with a mother wanting to meet the potential step mother and I happily did this myself without any need for persuasion, even though DH’s ex also demanded this of me. This is because I had all the empathy with her that you are championing in your posts.

What I now realise with the benefit of hindsight is that the sense of entitlement that made DC’s mum believe she had the absolute right to tell me I MUST meet her before I could meet the children inevitably bled through into most other areas of my relationship dynamic with DH (and in fact with my DSC). It set the precedent that her boundaries and beliefs were the standard that I/we as a couple were to be held to and her wishes should always trump ours - but she’s just a human being who isn’t always right just because she’s a mother (access was almost 50/50 both financially and with the day-to-day grunt work so it wasn’t like she was better placed to make judgement calls around the DC’s needs).

It’s not immature or snowflakey to decide that actually, yes I’m very happy to meet the children’s mother, but I want to do it when I feel ready not when someone else dictates. There are many things I do in life because it’s a good thing to do e.g. I did (and still do) make birthday cakes for my DSC because they enjoy them and it’s one of many nice little ways I can show my DSC I care for them. If however DSCs mum or dad started demanding I had to bake birthday cakes that’d be indicative of an unhealthy dynamic. It’s not the action itself that’s problematic but the driving force behind it.

Sorry that was very long again! All I’m saying is that the above might not happen in OP’s case but she should just be alert going into a situation where one or both parents believe they are entitled to dictate their wishes as though those wishes are absolute.

Is she with someone new?

This is utterly ridiculous. I thought you were going to say the kids are 3-8 or something. But 11 + 14?? Why on earth does she need to meet you?? Makes no sense at all. And to be honest I'm all for caution introducing anyone to younger kids, but at 11 + 14 they are nearly grown up! So odd!!

@Nanny0gg as far as DP is aware she's not with anyone new.

She was actually shocked he was and I think I little hurt, she said something to him a while ago when he first told her about me about how she was upset he'd moved on within weeks of them splitting...........it was actually 8 months but it came as a surprise to her. He told her about a year ago

@chocrolos they struggled at first with their parents splitting. None of their close friends parents have split either so no friends they can really talk to who have been in their situation. DP is very cautious about upsetting them - he wants life to be as easy as possible for them so it protective