How I feel about men in my 60's.

[Gettingbysomehow]

I don't feel I am half a person waiting for the other half to fulfill me. i am a whole person and don't need anyone else.
I've been married and divorced three times, all of my husbands drained me and marriage never sat easy on my shoulders, and this is why.
It's only taken me 60 years to realise this.
Anyone else feel the same?

One thing I miss about being single is having female friends as friends. It is perhaps why I am here.

Yes, I understand that, @Sweden99 . I used to inhabit a social circle where platonic friendship existed. But in the town where I live now it is strictly out of bounds. I'm happy to say my conscience is clear regarding cheating and relationship overlaps.

Absolutely! It is platonic friendships that I miss.
Why is it out of bounds? I can see giving up female friends, but I would certainly not expect my wife to give up her male (platonic obviously) friends?

In the local subculture, it's seen as a threat to marriage.

Thanks!
You have my sympathy with that. It is a shame to cut yourself off from that many people.

@2024GarlicCloves
"they could've smartened up decades ago, instead of re-entrenching and being miserable about it."

100%! The death throes of toxic masculinity are awful - Andrew Tate, 4Chan, violent/choking porn etc. They seem to think the only alternative is victimhood - Ive heard several men make the comment "it's not a good time to be a man". It could be a perfectly fine time to be a man if they could just accept that equality doesn't diminish anyone, but they seem only to be happy when they're able to take more than they give. Maybe they're just hardwired to be assholes.

@UnderstairsAdventure yes I'd forgotten about the need to boost their egos all the time!! Eugh! 🤮

I would miss the sex too much.

@fewgoo

I agree. I tried OLD but the quality of men around my age was dreadful. Most of the dating apps were full of pasty, flabby men with poor communication skills mainly wanting casual sex.
The ones I spoke to who seemed promising at the start nearly always tried to turn the chat into sexting within a few days and hit deleted.

The few dates I did have were pretty dreadful. Only one went on after the first date and then he admitted to me he has ED which ended that one.

Ive also met a handful in the wild and had equally poor experiences. This isn’t just a me thing, all of my attractive, intelligent, independent female friends in the 50’s and 60’s feel the same. A few dreadful dates with men who see themselves as a prize but in reality offer very little and it’s a pretty unanimous vote between us that staying single is far better than settling for what’s on offer.

I don't think this is true at all. Yes, SOME men may be like that but many are not.

I have 5 nieces aged between 23 and 35 and their husbands/partners are nothing like that. They all do more than their share of housework (2 of them do literally all the cooking), support their wives/partners in their career and are just nice, caring men. Two of the couples do not want children.

Of course not all men are nice but neither are all women. I think most of the posters have a pretty biased view of men.

I have had some luck talking some men away from the Andrew Tate, 4Chan thing. Having a senior role in rugby league and boxing probably helps.
Some men going that way are merely horrible men, others loser egotists. There are also the ones who are merely overly sensitive and they can be helped.
For the over sensitive, the danger is that they hear the message from Guardian/Mumsnet that women are incredible and hard done by and a man that is decent, average looking working, takes care of himself, educated in a good job and wants to be a good partner will find themselves inundated by attractive women. Seven years later, they are virgins, and Andrew Tate comes along and tells them that is nonsense, and as it is the first they have heard that said, they are all ears.
It is hard for young men to understand the huge social pressures and fears women live with. The other side of those pressure are that there is sometimes a little dishonesty.

I like to hear of good scenarios.

It’s not bias it’s our personal experience. If I’d seen this thread 5 or more years ago I wouldn’t have identified with anything that’s being said. I had a long successful relationship with my ex that faded the last few years and we’re still good friends and my experience of men has always been really positive.

its only being single in my 50’s that’s completely changed my outlook. Honestly? I thought I’d take a bit of time out and then probably meet a fellow divorced person who I had loads in common with however that’s been like finding a rainbow unicorn holding a pot of gold at the end of my garden then winning the lottery. It’s experience that makes us jaded.

And as I’ve posted previously, this isn’t unique to me. I have a wide circle of friends and all of my single friends have had similar negative experiences since they were divorced or widowed. And none of us were looking for perfection, just a decent companion but realised it’s far better to be single than settle for what’s out there now.

What strikes me from this thread is that some /many of the women here have had either awful marriages/ previous relationships, or are just meeting the wrong men now they are single.

It's a horribly one-sided view of all older men.

I know plenty men in their 60s who do not fit these descriptions (physical and personality) at all (including my DH.)

They are sporty, fit, cultured, educated, financially sound and although they may have some faults, who doesnt?

Even in my relatively small social circle, I know a divorced man and a widower who are nothing like the men described here.

I wonder if it's because the women aged 60-ish are part of the demography where women were expected to do most of the chores, the cooking, etc and men of 60+ have never ever done that in their previous relationships?

My own children have pretty equal partnerships where the men actually cook for their wives and have it ready each evening when they come in from work.

I agree that as we age, it's harder to share a space when we all have fixed habits, but I do think there are some older men out there who aren't as awful as described here.

I don't feel I am half a person waiting for the other half to fulfill me. i am a whole person and don't need anyone else.

I'm shocked anyone ever feels that at any age.

If that's the basis for a relationship, it's not healthy.
Which is why I hate the expression 'other half'.

I agree that the views on here do not fit almost all of the older men I know. Also one poster said she is only 26 so supposedly she thinks the same or similar of younger men.

I am 70 and my dad always helped with housework and did a lot of the cooking. When we were young mum worked evenings so dad would cook the evening meal for us.

DH has always done his fair share of housework as have my brothers in law and they are all in their 60's.

@EcclesCakesPlz I do agree that a lot of women in this demographic have partners who very much separated it into 'their work' and 'women's work'

As you say there are men who aren't like this - but as you say they are divorced and widowed-so they haven't got much choice if they want stuff doing. My experience is if a woman is around then so many men ease off/stop on the domestic front 'if' enabled. A lot of women in this demographic still have a mentality too of looking after a partner yet grumbling about the lack of domestic input . (Myself included by the way )

@mydogisthebest I agree with you. The OP has had 3 divorces so perhaps it's not surprising she has a jaded view of men based on her unhappy relationships. And that 'before' she felt she was only half a person (and isnt any more.)

Within my family and friends, I've known women find new partners in their 60s, and in their 70s. I have a friend who married a widower when he was in his 70s (she was much younger) and they are very happy.

I can see that a LOT of men are in poor shape by their 60s but not all.

I think there is something to be said for couples who are together but live apart in older age, (think Judi Dench who met her partner in her early 70s - he's 10 years younger) to preserve their family home, if that's what they want.

At that age, you are though looking at men who are single and also looking for a relationship.
Men or women, as they get older, it is the more entitled and spoiled people with great execptations of a relationship who will be looking.
Were my wife to die, I would certainly not consider another relationship. I would like to be the centre of my own life and not give that up for a woman, whom I could never love as much as I love my wife.
It is the more parasitic people who will be looking and bluntly the better you are at relationships, the less likely you are to be available (I know luck is a massive factor).
My own experience (and very much mine, I do not think it is authoratative) is that I had more luck finding possible partners when I stoped dating people my own age looking for relationships and "settled" for a wider age range looking for hook ups.

I don’t really get the point of telling women who have tried dating after divorce and had pretty negative experiences that there’s loads of lovely men out there 50+ when our lived experience has shown that’s not really the case.

Im absolutely positive all of the dick pic sending creeps telling women they want a relationship then suddenly deciding they’re only after a shag have friends and family who say they’re absolutely delightful and no idea why they’re single.

And as I’ve said many times, if you’d told me this world existed a few years ago when I was with my Ex for 23 years I wouldn’t have believed it either.

Unlike others I didn’t have a crap marriage and had a very equal partnership we just drifted apart but are still good friends. I honestly had no idea what a minefield dating at an older age would be and believe me I’m not looking for Brad Pitt just a nice respectful decent man to date and yet I’d have more luck trying to win the lottery.

Were my wife to die, I would certainly not consider another relationship. I would like to be the centre of my own life and not give that up for a woman, whom I could never love as much as I love my wife.

It is the more parasitic people who will be looking and bluntly the better you are at relationships, the less likely you are to be available (I know luck is a massive factor).

Well, good for you.

But funny how you don't consider yourself a parasite now for being married.

You've also just written off all the thousands of widows and widowers who do marry (or find a new relationship) .

I'm sure they loved their wives and husbands very much but love can happen again.

@SamW98 For the record, the people I know who have met someone later in life didnt use OLD.

They met through hobbies, mutual friends, work, on holiday, where dick pics don't rear their ugly heads.

We all have lines we draw in the sand as to what we tolerate from our partners. Sadly a majority of men will not recognise these and women are increasingly deciding they would rather not waste time. Having a man cook every day doesn't mean that is a "nice" man, it means he can cook and presumably likes doing it. Every human should be able to cook and holding up a basic life skill saying "I know men who cook!" as if it makes everything better doesn't make sense. My ex liked cooking, was average at it, but refused to let anyone else help or be in the kitchen. It was a way of controlling - we couldn't eat as a family until he finished. He'd use it as an excuse to spend hours in the kitchen on his phone not wanting to be disturbed. You really cannot know what people are like just because they agree to do some basic household chores on a regular basis.

I would hope you do not consider yourself parasitic either?
But, I fear there are people like that out there. I could be wrong and I could be one of them but I think not.
Lots of decent people enter the dating scene and they tend to be disillusioned pretty fast. I think there are a lot of decent people out there who had terrible experiences and just wrote off the opposite sex. I could be completely wrong and I certainly am not claiming expertise.

I'm 63. I became an adult in 1978. Remember 1978? Punk, sexual freedom, drugs, all night parties, contraception?

I did not grow up in an era where 'women were expected to do the housework'. I grew up in an era when women were being encouraged to get out, get a career, be single and independent, not stay at home all day looking after children and/or the house. It was a time when everything seemed possible.

It's only now I'm older that I seem to be expected to cook, clean, pander to a man who is coming up to retirement and wants to be able to put his feet up and not do a hand's turn (because he's been working for 50 years and he deserves a rest). I've also been working for years. Who is encouraging ME to put my feet up and rest?

Anyway, I've got too much life left in me to be turning to daytime TV and dominoes. Men my age just don't appeal, I'm afraid.