How I feel about men in my 60's.

[Gettingbysomehow]

I don't feel I am half a person waiting for the other half to fulfill me. i am a whole person and don't need anyone else.
I've been married and divorced three times, all of my husbands drained me and marriage never sat easy on my shoulders, and this is why.
It's only taken me 60 years to realise this.
Anyone else feel the same?

Cats over men all day long. Most men are a waste of space. Being single is AMAZING!

I do realise that just because a man cooks every day it does not make him nice. I was just answering posts that state that a lot of men do nothing around the house and expect their OH to do everything for them.

My nieces all have partners that not only cook but also do their fair share of housework. All my nieces are strong women with good careers. They would not be tolerating waste of space men.

Single people are parasitic???!!!!! Quite the opposite, all the lazy leeches I know are coupled up, draining their other half or parents, or even in some cases trying to leech off their children.

Single independent people tend to be self sufficient.

The parasites are afraid to leave, and they cling on when the host tries to sever the bond.

Bit confused why my post was deleted. Seems it’s ok to be rude and insulting towards single people but challenging those insults gets deleted 🤷‍♀️

Sorry if that was to my message. Certainly, I absolutely did not mean to suggest that single people are leeches.
My own experience of being single is that people who give most in relationships and expect to give will be more hesitant to jump into a relationship. Those that take and take and expect to do so will be less hesitant to date again.
My own experience is that when you initially split up, you are immediately of interest to people who had you on their reserve list :) But it is not a great time to enter a relationship. Many people who have given and given will be self sufficient and less interested in dating. Those that have learnt to get by by relying on others will be far keener n looking for a relationship.
This thread has many examples of women who have given and given in relationships and understandably are happy to be single.I suspect their partenrs are looking for someone to hok onto. I think that dynamic is the same with men and women equally and can make the dating market a depressing place.
Again though, I do not know if there is much truth to this. It is just my experience of interest too soon post break up and then later the dating market being grim.

But, presumably, your nieces are under 60. The whole point of this thread is that Women Over 60 are fed up with dealing with men (who are, by logical extension, around the 60 mark). There have been a lot of steps forward in more recent times in making men more aware of the necessity of stepping up around the housework and childcare.

It's not actually an issue with the youngsters, except perhaps the ones that lap up the Andrew Tate rubbish. Most of the young men I meet via work are polite respectful and well turned out.
I suspect it's not the men that are married to some of the gushing posters on this thread. These men sound great and are happily married for a reason.
It's a specific problem with single men aged, say between 45-late 60s. They are largely unappealing, in search of a younger woman, and have little insight into their lack of success. Women of the same age are giving up on dating because the thought of intimacy with these types is just ick.

@Lookingforunicorns I think your observation is spot on, I would lower the age to late 30s onwards. Lack of emotional intelligence and half decent fitness/health awareness is striking particularly as you get to the 40+ crowd.

That’s the point. All of these ‘my husband and every single man I know is wonderful’ posts are not the ones we’re talking about. It feels like they’re dismissing the lived experience of mature single women who feel like they’re wading through a shark infested swamp trying to find a half decent man.

And in spite of some posts this isn’t just regarding OLD . It’s single men in that age group generally. I’ve had as many horror stories with men I’ve met socially as the ones I met OLD. That’s why me and so many of my peers have given up and realised being single is far preferable to settling for a middle aged man with the communication skills of a monosyllabic teenager and the charm of herpes.

Yes my nieces are all under 60 but in my original post about them I was replying to a poster who said she was only 26 and felt that men were only after someone to have their babies, look after them etc. I assumed she was talking about youngish men

I don't disbelieve that there are men, probably quite a few, aged 60 or older who don't cook or do housework but all the men in my family (of all ages) cook and do housework, share childcare etc. I can't say for sure about all friends' partners but certainly some of them do.

@mydogisthebest - but are any of them single men? The ones the single women are dating?
Of course there are lots of fabulous, flourishing families and relationships where equality is achieved, I don't think anyone is suggesting it's not possible.

The problem is we (women) do know it's possible, and that's the standard we are looking for.
It's harder to find single men who want this though. I'm sure they are all capable (they get paid more than women do at work) but they seem to think that getting into a relationship with a women means they will be looked after and mummied.

Some very very average men seem to think women are the audience, there to approve and unquestioningly support them. Maybe they haven't achieved status amongst their male peers (due to being very average) and therefore need to find another source of validation.

I don't feel most intelligent, educated women need this validation through being in a relationship anymore. In the past most definitely, but being part of a couple isn't as big a goal anymore I don't think (certainly for me it's not)

And in spite of some posts this isn’t just regarding OLD . It’s single men in that age group generally. I’ve had as many horror stories with men I’ve met socially as the ones I met OLD. That’s why me and so many of my peers have given up and realised being single is far preferable to settling for a middle aged man with the communication skills of a monosyllabic teenager and the charm of herpes.

I think that's unfair to lump all older men together.

This is a self-selecting thread.
The OP has had 3 divorces, said she felt 'a half' when she was younger, and it's pretty clear that being alone now is better than being in another relationship that isn't 'doing it for her'.

I expect that a thrice-divorced man aged 60 might say exactly the same about some older women.

It's not the age thing that's the issue, it's the weariness surely of many failed marriages, or relationships, and it feels like 'freedom' to be single.

That's fine. No one should settle at any age for someone who isn't right.

But just stop defining older men as a breed. They aren't, any more than all women 60+ are a breed.

So I have really enjoyed reading this thread. I've had bad experiences with men. Even when they are mostly kind, loving, prepared to share the day to day workload, etc, I've still found them selfish, unreasonable and neanderthal and ultimately they become unbearable to put up with.

I'm now interested in hearing whether those of you who agree and are single feel it is actually a choice - or would you like to have a male partner if you could design him yourself? Or are we ultimately saying that a decent male partner is simply something that does not exist?

I'd absolutely love a male partner. It's not a positive choice for me to be single.
My 'design' would be:

1. Near my age. I am 47. I'd date 44-54 approx.
2. Physically fit and not obese. Bald is fine.
3. Non smoker and own teeth.
4. Does not blame his ex wife/partner as nuts, controlling, paranoid etc. Instead he owns his own part in any separation.
5. Reasonable educational level (you're not your)
6. Good relationship with his kids.
7. Not looking for ONS

If they do exist I don't work with any single ones, and if they're on the apps they're dating 37 year olds I guess.

Some of my friend's husbands are retired now and they are having problems.
One hits the bottle every day and is lying drunk in his chair when she gets home from work.
Another takes great exception to her going out with friends and leaving him alone.
Another has stopped washing very often the living room stinks.
Another one totally neglected his wife when she had breast cancer and was very ill.
Another one has the grumps because their daughter has come back to live after UNI, she's only 23.
I don't know why they don't leave them.

@Lookingforunicorns Your observation is spot on, and it also applies to people who meet IRL. I went to a dinner a few weeks ago where the 35- old ex-colleague of my friend was gushing about her 47-year old boyfriend whom she met at a business related event.

I have many couple friends and only two couples are genuinely happy together. The rest barely tolerate each other. I can see why the men stay but I can’t see what’s in it for the women. They moan about their husbands all the time!

Youre probably being naive about your friends and tbh... yourself.
Men can think they do more than they do. ALL my exes knew i did far more than them..in the house AND outside it...they said so themselves! Also...have you heard of invisible labour? Men don't usually know it exists.. because these things are already done for them.

Wait until hes older and shes older...she will notice the age difference more. Its always honeymoon period until older one gets more noticeably older, physically..mentally..etc.

@Lookingforunicorns my friends partner is like this except doesn't have kids- never married- she has A 10! Year old. She's 39 and gorgeous and he's mid 40s- but I'm 61 and still wouldn't fancy him- he's a lovely guy in many ways but to me there seems a lot of compromising going on here - but who am I to judge.

Yes, and thank you, it is something I ponder. I cannot see my own blindspots. I would say I am very aware of how my easier it is with my wife and of course how much easier it is being single also. My guess is that doing 50% feels like doing 60-66& so feeling like you are doing 75% is not unreasonable.

Great list! What does ONS stand for?

A man could be all these things and still be a pain in the arse though - as @Crikeyalmighty points out. My ex was all these things, but was also sexist, racist, etc - in the very middle class way of only ever voicing these views with colleagues, friends and family who agreed or found it endearing. To everyone else he was extremely charming and presented as tolerant of everything and everyone.

At first he adored me but after a couple of years he felt he had 'earned' me so didn't have to try anymore. The little gifts and compliments pretty much stopped. Behind closed doors he shouted at me, made nasty comments and expected me to be simultaneously a career woman and a housewife, classy and dirty in bed depending on his mood, to constantly tell him how great he was, and always always agree with him and do exactly what he wanted. Despite me trying very hard to meet all his demands, he went off me years before we broke up but, as is usually the case with men, wouldn't end it until he had somewhere else to go. (And I didn't end it sooner because I was a dependent fool)

I am just wondering how you all feel about missing physical affection? And just someone to check in with generally? I am a single parent who is dreading the day my DC leave home and I will have no one to hug/snuggle on the sofa or have catch ups with on a day to day basis. At that point I think I would probably look for a man - I am not sure a pet would cut it. Although I currently much prefer it being just my DC and me, and could not cope with adding a relationship to everything else.

@Lookingforunicorns One night stand! It just dawned on me. Duh!

And I was loving the your/ you're example for reasonable education. Perhaps I need to examine my own brain first!

I have never had a serious relationship with someone who was more intelligent than me. Perhaps that's where i'm going wrong. Will add that to my 'design', but I fully expect to be single for the rest of my life.