2nd date too soon to sleep with him?

[Tiddlywink222]

I’m normally very sure of myself with this sort of stuff but been out of the dating game for a while!

Met a guy on OLD in December. Chatted a lot. Had a phone call before meeting for over an hour - all good. No red flags.

Met IRL just before Christmas. I live quite far away from him, he offered to pay for my train fare and hotel if it meant we could be more relaxed in the evening and not worry about missing my last train back. Sorted that, all fine, 5* hotel… made it clear there were no expectations and all under my name. We had drinks and then dinner at a very nice restaurant. Got on really well, really relaxed and fun. I haven’t dated anyone seriously for nearly two years as I was heartbroken after my last relationship and this is the first time I’ve actually felt a bit of a spark with someone else since.

He stayed with me in the end as it got late, but we didn’t have sex and he didn’t push it. Kissed a lot, stayed PG 😅 Had breakfast together, he made sure I got home safely. All fine.
I think it should have felt too much quite early on but it didn’t at all, weirdly. I offered for him to stay he wasn’t pushy about it.

He went on holiday straight after Christmas and has messaged me every day, not in a weird intense way just general chit chat, flirty but not overtly sexual. He’s made it clear he’s interested and wants to see me again.

This weekend we’re supposed to meet up for a second date. It’s clear we had a lot of chemistry previously and tbh I want to sleep with him but worried second date is too soon, despite talking for over a month now, and quite a lot of investment both sides given distance. I imagine he’d be happy getting me somewhere to stay again.

I wouldn’t sleep with him unless things were exclusive but I feel it’s too early to ‘insist’ on that without it coming across like I’m pushing for something really serious. I’m not, I just don’t sleep with people casually.

Thoughts? I’m worried I’m overthinking this. I don’t get the impression he’s out to use me, but I feel like I’m out of practice and don’t want to be naive.

@Sconehenge @GoldDuster

I also find it as far from romantic as possible. I am not counting the number of dates, don’t care on that aspect. But I can’t be bought with hotel rooms, I find that part revolting not romantic.

OP’s justification that her travel needs to be matched by his money is also something I cannot rationalise. If you chose to live somewhere where apparently there is nothing to do within hours of travel time (I can’t imagine where in the UK this might be), then your travel time should be something that you are used to factoring into everything.

Sex isn’t something a woman “gives”, it is something shared. If he chooses to go his own way afterwards, you are better finding out sooner rather than later. Tell him how you feel about things and insist on condoms.

For what it’s worth, my sister met her now husband at a mutual friend’s wedding. She bedded him within a couple of hours of meeting and she has been married for years.

Stop over thinking things.

You've met a man you like who definitely also likes you and you've been putting in the effort to get to know each other these last few weeks.

Just have sex if that's what you want.

generosity, romance and financial stability. All things every woman should be seeking in a mate

What tried and tested criteria should every man be seeking in a mate, out of interest? Are they the same, or different?

@Muchof how is she being “bought”? He’s just paying for the date, in this case it has to be overnight because of the distance. If my date said “let me get your Uber home” I wouldn’t feel that they were buying me, just that they were being extra chivalrous! I might decline the offer but that would depend on my financial situation or whether I felt they’d paid for heaps and this bill was mine to cover etc. Maybe for their third date, OP will pay for it and organise the transport. She was just asking about when to sleep with him - you and other posters are the ones making it weird with all the talk of being bought by him.

If he had an issue with where I lived, which I was upfront about from the off, he shouldn’t have asked me out?

I also don’t think the sex is the issue, but getting him to pay for you to stay in a hotel each time is too much for me. On this date you should pay for thr hotel.

Couldn’t have put it better myself.

@Sconehenge I'm sorry you feel that people are "making it weird". It's just differing opinions, and if they've never crossed your mind before maybe they would seem weird.

All aside, OP answered her own question here in the initial post:

I wouldn’t sleep with him unless things were exclusive

So there's that to navigate before The Sex can take place anyway.

I find that kind of depressing that you would find someone treating you as being ‘bought’ somehow. I just don’t really feel that way about it.

On the flip side you shouldn’t have said yes if you are unwilling to pay your way.

He’s a stranger. Treating you is by definition a 0ne off. Not paying for you every time. Pay your way.

@GoldDuster i would think they’d be looking for broadly the same characteristics! Did you have a point to make?

Conversely you knew where he lived and agreed to meet in his area. In your situation I’d be happy for him to pay for the date but I’d sort my own accommodation out.

And with OLD it’s not really about being asked out m. Presumably you matched chatted and got on so it was just whoever said ‘let’s meet’ first. If you had said it first, would you still feel the same way?

I'd feel like a mail order sex worker if some stranger were summoning me to his town and paying for my hotel room. It all seems a bit suspect.

What you do is up to you, though.

I think it’s a falsehood to pretend that men and women and equal in every sense. Women can have babies. Men can’t. It’s why we have laws around marriage. To protect women financially who have been child rearing and giving up their careers. Yes, it can go the other way, but mostly it doesn’t to the same extent because men can’t give birth or breastfeed.

so in which case, I think it would be churlish to turn down a generous and well intentioned offer to try and ‘prove’ some notion of ‘equality’ when he’s offered and is happy to pay / facilitate the date.

I guess I'm just wondering how OP might be demonstrating to him that she's also generous, romantic and financially stable?

I find the fact he paid for your travel and hotel really uncomfortable. Creepy even.

And inviting him to stay the first night they meet too, in the hotel room he paid for, and then expecting him to pay the second time.

It does feel like he is paying for sex in a round about manner, as this man is a stranger. At this stage she should be paying for herself . Dinner is a very different thing to paying for a hotel room.

i could not bring myself to let a man I barely know have me travel to him and pay for my hotel.

I didn’t ask for him to pay for the accommodation. I offered to meet earlier in the day. He preferred to do dinner. So did I. In which case he then offered to cover the hotel. I said thanks that’s really generous, so long as there’s no expectation because if so I’d rather pay / meet earlier and he completely reassured me that wasn’t the case and then just sorted it?

I wouldn’t ask a man out because I prefer them to make the first move. Just my preference.

Why do you see your "travel time" as so valuable that you need to be compensated for it?

I take responsibility for where I live and all of the costs associated with visiting someone.

🙄

It seems like you see sleeping with him as a kind of pay back for everything he's offering? Like "If i'm going to sleep with him anyway, I may as well accept everything he's offering". I don't see them as related. I would feel uncomfortable living off the hospitality of someone I am trying to establish an equal adult relationship with. It feels infantilising.

You keep on eyerolling and stick to your three date rule, you'll be fine OP.

OP, seriously you do you.

If I were you OP I would see if you can make the second date a nice lunch one halfway between you. Is there a lovely gastropub or somewhere you could meet for a walk and lunch? That way you can have a great snog on the walk but it’s less pressure. Then you can do hotel again for third date once you’re ready.