2nd date too soon to sleep with him?

[Tiddlywink222]

I’m normally very sure of myself with this sort of stuff but been out of the dating game for a while!

Met a guy on OLD in December. Chatted a lot. Had a phone call before meeting for over an hour - all good. No red flags.

Met IRL just before Christmas. I live quite far away from him, he offered to pay for my train fare and hotel if it meant we could be more relaxed in the evening and not worry about missing my last train back. Sorted that, all fine, 5* hotel… made it clear there were no expectations and all under my name. We had drinks and then dinner at a very nice restaurant. Got on really well, really relaxed and fun. I haven’t dated anyone seriously for nearly two years as I was heartbroken after my last relationship and this is the first time I’ve actually felt a bit of a spark with someone else since.

He stayed with me in the end as it got late, but we didn’t have sex and he didn’t push it. Kissed a lot, stayed PG 😅 Had breakfast together, he made sure I got home safely. All fine.
I think it should have felt too much quite early on but it didn’t at all, weirdly. I offered for him to stay he wasn’t pushy about it.

He went on holiday straight after Christmas and has messaged me every day, not in a weird intense way just general chit chat, flirty but not overtly sexual. He’s made it clear he’s interested and wants to see me again.

This weekend we’re supposed to meet up for a second date. It’s clear we had a lot of chemistry previously and tbh I want to sleep with him but worried second date is too soon, despite talking for over a month now, and quite a lot of investment both sides given distance. I imagine he’d be happy getting me somewhere to stay again.

I wouldn’t sleep with him unless things were exclusive but I feel it’s too early to ‘insist’ on that without it coming across like I’m pushing for something really serious. I’m not, I just don’t sleep with people casually.

Thoughts? I’m worried I’m overthinking this. I don’t get the impression he’s out to use me, but I feel like I’m out of practice and don’t want to be naive.

@Captainfairylights you might be right -he's probably being all nice now and then will do a complete 180 after sex. Maybe he's paid for hotels for other women in the past and has a specific modus operandi. I have dated some incredibly rich men and none of them would have dared offer an hotel as I think it's actually disrespectful

I hope we're all wrong but I am not sure this will end well

Not at all, would have felt way more uneasy going to his house. And we did discuss it? 🤔

it would never be the other way round because I don’t pay for men to date me. Especially not if they’re the ones who have invited me out.

But men pay to date you? I think this is what some pp are expressing reservations about.

It’s not a cash in hand job 😂

honestly if I didn’t live far away the hotel thing wouldn’t even be an issue. If he wants to take me out and is happy to ensure that can happen, it’s not the same as being paid. I’m not charging by the hour.

it would never be the other way round because I don’t pay for men to date me.

I think that this is the cause of the reaction you've had that you're not keen on and can't understand. That you expect men to pay to date you is what might be problematic for some people.

I'm all for sexual liberation but you barely know this man. How do you know what his intentions are? This is why people date, see them at different times of the day & build a relationship up slowly. Sorry but I think you're rushing things too fast

If a man has invited me out then yes I expect him to pay to make that happen.

I travel here for work. I gave him options. He could wait until I was next in town anyway but might be a while. We could do lunch. Or we could dinner but I would have to stay.

he chose and made it happen. I’m not being paid for my time. He’s facilitated the date that he invited me on.

@NotNowGertrude I’m seeing how things go, we’ve been talking a lot for over a month now though, so it’s not like we just met.

Life's too short, so go for it. When I reached a certain age I didn't care what I 'should' do, I did what felt right to me.

But you've met him once. Talking on the phone or messaging builds up false intimacy & you may lead to you knowing him

But it sounds like you're set on what you're doing but I would be careful with your heart, head & being alone with a man you are still very much getting to know

It's probably worth having an open chat with him about this. The fact that he suggested you stay at his place tonight suggests that he hopes he isn't paying for a hotel for every date. Maybe you could suggest meeting up for some walking / lunch dates to shake things up, and save a bit of money.

@Bobbotgegrinch i'm the opposite to you, I see scenario a transactional and gross, if B done sincerely, and some men are capable of genuinely not expecting more by it, then it's very chivalrous and generous.

In my experience, waiting is better. I've been with my partner now for 4.5 years and we waited for a month before sleeping together! There's no rush, it's best to get to know each other well before bringing sex into it.

Why?

What if you are not sexually compatible?

Hope you have a fab night OP

@OrlandointheWilderness thank you!

it was a lovely evening - restaurant was beautiful. I was more nervous on the second date than the first but it was fine. I always think there’s more pressure on a second date because you both know you like each other and kind of more at stake!

anyway we did end up having sex because it just felt natural and I wasn’t worried about it at all when it came to it.

he took me for breakfast which was nice and he’s already arranging our next date so all good ☺️ will see how it goes!

Glad to hear you had a great 2nd date. 🙂

Good 😀

I'm so pleased it worked out for you, Tiddly. You have to trust your instincts on questions like this. Good luck going forward with him.

@StarlightLady I think that is just what works best for some of us. I did the same. Waited a month and would have waited longer but Dh told me he had been friend-zoned too many times and if I didn't want to sleep with him, I should be honest, so he didn't get too attached. So we got together after about four or five weeks.

I just think it's worth the wait. I feel very vulnerable having sex with someone, so the idea of doing it with someone I don't know very well just feels really uncomfortable. After a month I knew I liked and trusted him and that he was very interested in me and kind and had plans for our future together, so it felt right.

If people feel fine about jumping into bed that's good. But lots of women feel a bit vulnerable and regret it if the relationship fizzles soon afterwards.

How far away is he that hotels are required as distance might put me off

He sounds amazing and I am thrilled for you that he is taking care of you from the start. That’s the kind of guy I also go for. I don’t pay on dates, if someone asked me to pay half then I would but then there wouldn’t be any further dates. I prefer a man to be gentlemanly and to take care of me. I am dating three guys at the moment, all pay for everything, all treat me like an absolute princess. I am nothing special really, just a 45 yr old woman, but I don’t settle for less than I want. I am not going to be on mumsnet complaining about my tight arsed man, that’s for sure.

The idea that you have to pay half to be on ‘equal footing’ is crazy. I am still equal, I still own the rights to my body and what happens to it. I think the women chowing about this are just jealous. They think they’re being superior by paying and being ‘independent’. No. You’re no more independent than I am. I too, can pay for my meal/drinks but I date men who wouldn’t dream of letting me.

@KitsyWitsy Out of interest, who do you think should pay in a lesbian couple?

In the early stages of dating I’d say it should be whoever asks the other one out and picks the venue 🤷🏻‍♀️

Up to them to work out I suppose.

Thanks - early days but it’s all good so far. Excited ☺️

it’s not even just about the money itself per se for me. I just like masculine men who plan things, pursue, show consistent interest and effort, and just… handle everything. The minute I express a preference for something he just says ‘of course, don’t worry, I’ll sort it’. And then he just does.

I just find that so attractive.

I offered to pay for breakfast (a bit tongue in cheek) and he laughed and said there’s absolutely no way he’d let me pay for anything.