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Original poster

2nd date too soon to sleep with him?

312 replies

Tiddlywink222 · 09/01/2024 22:39

I’m normally very sure of myself with this sort of stuff but been out of the dating game for a while!

Met a guy on OLD in December. Chatted a lot. Had a phone call before meeting for over an hour - all good. No red flags.

Met IRL just before Christmas. I live quite far away from him, he offered to pay for my train fare and hotel if it meant we could be more relaxed in the evening and not worry about missing my last train back. Sorted that, all fine, 5* hotel… made it clear there were no expectations and all under my name. We had drinks and then dinner at a very nice restaurant. Got on really well, really relaxed and fun. I haven’t dated anyone seriously for nearly two years as I was heartbroken after my last relationship and this is the first time I’ve actually felt a bit of a spark with someone else since.

He stayed with me in the end as it got late, but we didn’t have sex and he didn’t push it. Kissed a lot, stayed PG 😅 Had breakfast together, he made sure I got home safely. All fine.
I think it should have felt too much quite early on but it didn’t at all, weirdly. I offered for him to stay he wasn’t pushy about it.

He went on holiday straight after Christmas and has messaged me every day, not in a weird intense way just general chit chat, flirty but not overtly sexual. He’s made it clear he’s interested and wants to see me again.

This weekend we’re supposed to meet up for a second date. It’s clear we had a lot of chemistry previously and tbh I want to sleep with him but worried second date is too soon, despite talking for over a month now, and quite a lot of investment both sides given distance. I imagine he’d be happy getting me somewhere to stay again.

I wouldn’t sleep with him unless things were exclusive but I feel it’s too early to ‘insist’ on that without it coming across like I’m pushing for something really serious. I’m not, I just don’t sleep with people casually.

Thoughts? I’m worried I’m overthinking this. I don’t get the impression he’s out to use me, but I feel like I’m out of practice and don’t want to be naive.

OP posts:
MissTrip82 · 10/01/2024 08:54

There’s no difference between a third date and a second date.

No way would I be accepting such expensive gifts as hotel accommodation. That’s very entitled behaviour. I also don’t understand your question about ‘what should I pay 50/50 and then sleep with him anyway?’ I mean - yes? Of course that’s what you do. Costs are split by two adults; the timing of sex is entirely unrelated to money changing hands surely.

I also wouldn’t put much store on the fact he stayed and didn’t ’push it’. That just means he’s not a rapist. The bar’s a bit higher than that. It’s also a bit higher than finding exclusivity important but feeling you can’t say so.

Menomeno · 10/01/2024 08:56

I don’t think you should be expecting him to pay for hotels. If he paid last time, you should pay this time. Even if you have given up your time to travel, surely you’re responsible for your own accommodation. It looks like you’re expecting regular free weekends away. That might put him off.

Chesterdrawers12 · 10/01/2024 08:57

Tiddlywink222 · 10/01/2024 08:46

Oh I see. Maybe he will, we haven’t made firm plans, but I think even on this one I’d still maybe prefer a hotel, and then going forwards stay at his. It’s very unlikely but if it all goes horribly wrong it’s safer to have a hotel!

Show quote history

If he wants to murder you he can just wait until the third date?

This doesn't make sense

Original poster
Tiddlywink222 · 10/01/2024 09:03

Deathbyfluffy · 10/01/2024 08:51

I’d ask to stay at his or offer him the chance to come to you.
Letting him pay for everything feels a bit ‘grabby’

Show quote history

Not really, I’m still travelling to meet him, and he offered. It’s not like he had no choice, I would meet earlier and not stay, but that was both our preference. I suspect it will be the same this week. If he came here he’d still have to pay for a hotel and also take the time to travel. I would have to drive, or drink and stay in his room (would have to bring overnight stuff, but presumptuous. If I have a drink and change my mind for some reason I would be stuck)

I think insisting I stay at his is worse. I get the impression the money isn’t really an issue. If he’s happy to I don’t see the problem 😕

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 10/01/2024 09:03

If you wouldn't sleep with him unless things were exclusive then you need to have that conversatioin with him. He might be sleeping with ten other people, and have no intentions of stopping that. He might be totally up for exclusivity with you, but if that's your stipulation, then you need to find out.

is it better to go 50:50 on everything, fund all my own travel as well as put in the travel time, only to sleep with him eventually anyway? 😵‍💫

Personally, absolutely, unless you want the sex you're having to be transactional, which for me is about as unsexy as it gets.

GoldDuster · 10/01/2024 09:03

*conversation

Original poster
Tiddlywink222 · 10/01/2024 09:04

Chesterdrawers12 · 10/01/2024 08:57

If he wants to murder you he can just wait until the third date?

This doesn't make sense

Show quote history

No more if for some reason I’m not feeling it I don’t have to spend all night and all morning with him. Who said anything about murder? 😂

as I said it’s very unlikely I’d feel that way given how things are going, but it’s just what I’d feel more comfortable with and also I can get relax and get ready beforehand etc

OP posts:
SamW98 · 10/01/2024 09:08

Menomeno · 10/01/2024 08:56

I don’t think you should be expecting him to pay for hotels. If he paid last time, you should pay this time. Even if you have given up your time to travel, surely you’re responsible for your own accommodation. It looks like you’re expecting regular free weekends away. That might put him off.

I agree with this. I certainly would book and pay for my own hotel this time. Let him pay for the date/dinner etc but I wouldn’t want a man footing the whole bill.
Though tbh I’ve found distance relationships too much like hard work in the past anyway so anyone who didn’t live a reasonable driving distance I’d probably rule out.

Original poster
Tiddlywink222 · 10/01/2024 09:09

GoldDuster · 10/01/2024 09:03

If you wouldn't sleep with him unless things were exclusive then you need to have that conversatioin with him. He might be sleeping with ten other people, and have no intentions of stopping that. He might be totally up for exclusivity with you, but if that's your stipulation, then you need to find out.

is it better to go 50:50 on everything, fund all my own travel as well as put in the travel time, only to sleep with him eventually anyway? 😵‍💫

Personally, absolutely, unless you want the sex you're having to be transactional, which for me is about as unsexy as it gets.

Thanks - yeah I will definitely mention it as I’m not into sleeping with people who have multiple partners.

I don’t agree that paying for half makes things less ‘transactional’ - I don’t think there’s anything wrong with expecting a man to put in a bit of effort and investment first. I am by travelling, and time wise. So I don’t think this is an unfair expectation and he is happy to do it. I don’t feel I ‘owe’ him anything as a result, but I appreciate the effort.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiddlywink222 · 10/01/2024 09:57

MissTrip82 · 10/01/2024 08:54

There’s no difference between a third date and a second date.

No way would I be accepting such expensive gifts as hotel accommodation. That’s very entitled behaviour. I also don’t understand your question about ‘what should I pay 50/50 and then sleep with him anyway?’ I mean - yes? Of course that’s what you do. Costs are split by two adults; the timing of sex is entirely unrelated to money changing hands surely.

I also wouldn’t put much store on the fact he stayed and didn’t ’push it’. That just means he’s not a rapist. The bar’s a bit higher than that. It’s also a bit higher than finding exclusivity important but feeling you can’t say so.

I never said I felt I couldn’t say that, and I would.

you might not feel comfortable with someone paying for your accommodation but the fact he offered and I accepted doesn’t make me entitled. I’m investing far more time and effort travel wise, and that was generously honoured by him offering to cover travel and accommodation. Because we both decided we’d prefer to do dinner than lunch.

I didn’t insist on it. I don’t understand why you think accepting what I thought was a nice offer makes the whole thing transactional or that I feel entitled to it. If he wants to it would be a bit churlish to refuse for the sake of it.

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 10/01/2024 10:00

Both putting in an equal amount of effort is great. I'm not sure effort is the same thing as investment, and it does feel transactional if investment is required from a man "first" when working out whether to sleep with them.

That aside, you won't cross the rubicon after the second date in order to make conditions somehow more favourable. Don't over think it.

madeinmanc · 10/01/2024 10:06

I'd pay for your own hotel.

Original poster
Tiddlywink222 · 10/01/2024 10:06

GoldDuster · 10/01/2024 10:00

Both putting in an equal amount of effort is great. I'm not sure effort is the same thing as investment, and it does feel transactional if investment is required from a man "first" when working out whether to sleep with them.

That aside, you won't cross the rubicon after the second date in order to make conditions somehow more favourable. Don't over think it.

Agreed, and if he’d just chucked money at the situation it would be different. He makes an effort to message and chat, picks restaurants he thinks I’ll like, was very attentive on the date. So I appreciate that and I also appreciate the financial investment given my time investment in terms of travel is greater, so it feels equal.

Will try to not overthink! 😂 I think maybe given it’s been a fair amount of time talking, and when we first met it doesn’t feel ‘too soon’ it just feels like you’re ‘supposed’ to wait as long as possible…

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 10/01/2024 10:28

I think "wait as long as possible" (which doesn't make any sense really, as technically you could wait forever) only makes sense if sex is seen as something that one person wants, and one person is giving away. It's a bit of a redundant notion if you are going into it as two adults agreeing to a shared experience on equal terms.

It feels like you're supoose to wait as long as possible for lots of reasons, which when you think about them are bullshit, including Nice Girls Don't.

Original poster
Tiddlywink222 · 10/01/2024 10:42

GoldDuster · 10/01/2024 10:28

I think "wait as long as possible" (which doesn't make any sense really, as technically you could wait forever) only makes sense if sex is seen as something that one person wants, and one person is giving away. It's a bit of a redundant notion if you are going into it as two adults agreeing to a shared experience on equal terms.

It feels like you're supoose to wait as long as possible for lots of reasons, which when you think about them are bullshit, including Nice Girls Don't.

I’m not sure it can ever be a 100% equal experience as no risk for him to get pregnant and all that entails. Even with the best will in the world, BC can fail.

I’m not necessarily saying I agree with waiting as long as possible I’m just saying that’s kind of what you have drummed into you!

OP posts:
Coincidentally · 10/01/2024 11:02

I would feel uncomfortable acceotinng free hotel rooms and c travel! You choose to live in an isolated place then you should expect to pay yourself for travel and accommodation, unless it is payment in kind for sex-on which case just acknowledge that and sleep with him as a transaction.

Sad0tter · 10/01/2024 11:08

Coincidentally · 10/01/2024 11:02

I would feel uncomfortable acceotinng free hotel rooms and c travel! You choose to live in an isolated place then you should expect to pay yourself for travel and accommodation, unless it is payment in kind for sex-on which case just acknowledge that and sleep with him as a transaction.

You might feel uncomfortable with it but doesn’t meant others can’t have standards. He also wanted to take someone out on a date who lives further afield. So why shouldn’t he honour the extra travel time??

SKG231 · 10/01/2024 11:18

Time lines don’t matter as long as you’re doing what YOU want to do. If you wanted to meet someone and sleep with them before knowing their name, that’s your decision. Stop thinking about what is deemed as acceptable or right and do what feels ok to you.

Matildahoney · 10/01/2024 11:23

I slept with DP on our first date, we've been together 5 years, live together, and I'm currently sat snuggling our 2 week old! If it's right then it's right, times don't matter.

Original poster
Tiddlywink222 · 10/01/2024 11:24

Matildahoney · 10/01/2024 11:23

I slept with DP on our first date, we've been together 5 years, live together, and I'm currently sat snuggling our 2 week old! If it's right then it's right, times don't matter.

Congratulations ☺️

OP posts:
madeinmanc · 10/01/2024 11:26

The timing doesn't matter, him (in effect) paying for it certainly does!

Estersouwester · 10/01/2024 11:27

If you have to ask the question, then it's too soon.

OrlandointheWilderness · 10/01/2024 11:28

diefledermaus · 10/01/2024 08:05

I slept with a guy on what I thought was a one night stand - we were together four years.

I waited until the 3rd date with another guy and never heard from him again.

I slept with a nice man on a second date and he's now my husband.

It's all meaningless as long as you have a connection and feel secure.

Completely this. If it's right it won't matter when it is. You clearly want to sleep with him, so sleep with him! Have fun.

shalligiveupagain · 10/01/2024 11:30

It is u to you, waiting will not mean that he definitely isn't using you, having sex early will not mean you never hear from him again. Some blokes will play you as long as needed, others would not use anyone ever.

I have had sex on the second date and also waited longer. I was quite happy to insist on exclusivity from the second date though, and not just due to sex.

I don't think it's unreasonable to think if you are putting your time and effort into getting to know that person that they give you all of their effort until either of you decide it isn't for you. Keeping dating other people just looks like carrying on looking for something better and using you for entertainment until that happens.

Have more confidence in your wants and boundaries, if they don't align with his he's not for you.

Original poster
Tiddlywink222 · 10/01/2024 11:32

madeinmanc · 10/01/2024 11:26

The timing doesn't matter, him (in effect) paying for it certainly does!

No far better to spend hours travelling to see him, paying for my own dinner and hotel to facilitate the whole meeting, and then sleeping with him 🙄

OP posts: