2nd date too soon to sleep with him?

[Tiddlywink222]

I’m normally very sure of myself with this sort of stuff but been out of the dating game for a while!

Met a guy on OLD in December. Chatted a lot. Had a phone call before meeting for over an hour - all good. No red flags.

Met IRL just before Christmas. I live quite far away from him, he offered to pay for my train fare and hotel if it meant we could be more relaxed in the evening and not worry about missing my last train back. Sorted that, all fine, 5* hotel… made it clear there were no expectations and all under my name. We had drinks and then dinner at a very nice restaurant. Got on really well, really relaxed and fun. I haven’t dated anyone seriously for nearly two years as I was heartbroken after my last relationship and this is the first time I’ve actually felt a bit of a spark with someone else since.

He stayed with me in the end as it got late, but we didn’t have sex and he didn’t push it. Kissed a lot, stayed PG 😅 Had breakfast together, he made sure I got home safely. All fine.
I think it should have felt too much quite early on but it didn’t at all, weirdly. I offered for him to stay he wasn’t pushy about it.

He went on holiday straight after Christmas and has messaged me every day, not in a weird intense way just general chit chat, flirty but not overtly sexual. He’s made it clear he’s interested and wants to see me again.

This weekend we’re supposed to meet up for a second date. It’s clear we had a lot of chemistry previously and tbh I want to sleep with him but worried second date is too soon, despite talking for over a month now, and quite a lot of investment both sides given distance. I imagine he’d be happy getting me somewhere to stay again.

I wouldn’t sleep with him unless things were exclusive but I feel it’s too early to ‘insist’ on that without it coming across like I’m pushing for something really serious. I’m not, I just don’t sleep with people casually.

Thoughts? I’m worried I’m overthinking this. I don’t get the impression he’s out to use me, but I feel like I’m out of practice and don’t want to be naive.

What is it about that scenario that doesn’t sit right with you? You make it sound like sex with you is something valuable you’re ‘giving’ and you’re therefore entitled to something in return. He’ll be ‘giving’ sex to you too, sleeping with someone is a two-way street. Presumably you’ll benefit from it too. You really need to examine your views on sex or you’ll just come across as a princess or a gold-digger and he won’t hang round for long.

Because the level of effort would be completely mismatched. I don’t see how it’s me being a gold digger just because I won’t pay for my own travel, accommodation, food as well as spend the time getting there. Jeez. He asked me out, and offered.

also with the best will (and birth control) in the world, I have a risk of getting pregnant. He doesn’t. It’s stupid to pretend sex is exactly the same for men and women and it’s normal in my book to consider that risk carefully.

So if he was hypothetically travelling to you, would you still expect him to fund it all or would you be happy to pay his fare, pay for dinner and drinks and a hotel?

Well no because he was the one that asked me on a date. How weird would it be if he asked me out, I agreed, and then he said, great I’ll travel to you but fund all my expenses. Thanks.

All the paid for hotels in the world won't prevent a pregnancy. I'm not sure where you're going with that one.

Yes.

(First time didn't work) Yes. When a man pays you for sex that is called being a sex worker.

You said he offered to pay you didn’t ask and it’s a fair exchange for the effort you’re putting in travelling so surely that works both ways?

Oh well. I didn’t sleep with him so I guess he’ll be requesting a refund any day now.

FFS. Ridiculous.

Yeah except both of us would prefer to go out where he lives, and he is the one asking me out, in which case I don’t think that’s unfair.

if he is happy to do so I don’t see why everyone is getting so irate about this and somehow implying I’m being paid for sex? Bizarre.

I can't see anyone getting irate, just offering different opinions on yours on how to approach sex.

How about this, do you think he would be happy to continue paying for hotels indefinitely if you didn't sleep with him?

I’m not getting irate or saying he’s paying for sex at all just offering an opinion that I find that particular post a bit double standards that’s all.

I don’t think he’d be happy to see me indefinitely generally without us sleeping together, so no.

Though the money has nothing to do with it. He’s offered to pay for travel and hotel to facilitate seeing me. Not sleeping with me, though eventually, as with any relationship, expecting that is normal?

Definitely too soon - wait until third date minimum. I always waited six dates and never had anyone give up the chase.

Also finding it amusing the people who are accusing you of being a gold digger! Mumsnet is full of posts of useless men who forget birthdays and don’t buy Christmas presents and everyone is up in arms about how the woman ended up with someone so useless. OP is following a perfectly reasonable strategy of allowing a potential suitor to demonstrate his generosity while he courts her - ladies this is how you find yourself a husband who remembers your birthday! You filter them like this early on!

@SamW98 was more referring to this.

Thanks I’m completely bemused by this. I didn’t know expecting to be taken out for dinner and for a man to facilitate me travelling to meet him, because that’s what he wants to do, and why he asked me out, is me being a gold digger or a prostitute. Totally bizarre.

It feels a bit like a work trip where you're offering a service and he's paying for your expenses. It's just not a balanced equal footing, and I'd be more focussed there than how many dates you go on before you "give in". It's just all a bit off key for me, but horses for courses.

But how would it be ‘balanced equal footing’ if I paid as well as putting in the travel time?

I don’t see my company over dinner as a ‘service’. He wanted to invite me out to get to know me and then made sure that happened in way that worked best for both of us.

isn’t that what dating should be? Or am I missing something?

People are either being assholes on purpose or haven’t lived very romantic lives. I think it’s great that he is paying and organising and I think you should ensure this doesn’t make you feel pressured into doing anything too soon.

You’re very much in your rights to say that you’re still getting to know each other etc. If I was you I would maybe get a little more steamy if you’re inspired to do so, but spell out clearly that you’re not ready for sex yet. This way the chemistry is still building and he’s looking forward to the eventual night of passion!

It’s also an absolutely reasonable rule to say you don’t want to have sex until you’re exclusive - but I probably wouldn’t propose this as the reason just yet. Date 2, you’re getting to know them still. If by date 3 you really like them, then you can share that you only want to move to next stage if you’re not dating others.

Can say you’re not necessarily looking for commitment at this stage, just exclusivity while you take it further. Don’t necessarily have to be “official” to be exclusive. Just about mutual respect and safety. Also fine if you want to be officially bf gf first, but a bit more rare/unusual I would say.

He is likely to find your slight old fashionedness completely charming in any case so don’t feel that it will be seen in a negative light at all!

@Sconehenge maybe it is the slight oldfashionedness, in contrast I find if I feel I'm being bought it's a massive turn off. Each to their own.

2nd date? Yes. You'll be sending him the wrong message.

I mean, it’s all about perspective but I would view men being generous in early dating as simply them demonstrating good qualities like generosity, romance and financial stability. All things every woman should be seeking in a mate.

At the same time, by OP waiting until she gets to know him and they are exclusive, she’s doing an extra check to ensure he is genuine and a potential partner for her rather than someone after a quick shag in a hotel.

This is usually how dating works, they woo you, you get to know them to make sure they’re a nice guy, a few dates down the line once you feel reasonably confident they’re trustworthy, you have sex and see how that goes!

Maybe if more mumsnetters followed this tried and true approach we would have less drama on the relationships and AIBU board about being saddled with useless men!

That message being what?