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Original poster

2nd date too soon to sleep with him?

312 replies

Tiddlywink222 · 09/01/2024 22:39

I’m normally very sure of myself with this sort of stuff but been out of the dating game for a while!

Met a guy on OLD in December. Chatted a lot. Had a phone call before meeting for over an hour - all good. No red flags.

Met IRL just before Christmas. I live quite far away from him, he offered to pay for my train fare and hotel if it meant we could be more relaxed in the evening and not worry about missing my last train back. Sorted that, all fine, 5* hotel… made it clear there were no expectations and all under my name. We had drinks and then dinner at a very nice restaurant. Got on really well, really relaxed and fun. I haven’t dated anyone seriously for nearly two years as I was heartbroken after my last relationship and this is the first time I’ve actually felt a bit of a spark with someone else since.

He stayed with me in the end as it got late, but we didn’t have sex and he didn’t push it. Kissed a lot, stayed PG 😅 Had breakfast together, he made sure I got home safely. All fine.
I think it should have felt too much quite early on but it didn’t at all, weirdly. I offered for him to stay he wasn’t pushy about it.

He went on holiday straight after Christmas and has messaged me every day, not in a weird intense way just general chit chat, flirty but not overtly sexual. He’s made it clear he’s interested and wants to see me again.

This weekend we’re supposed to meet up for a second date. It’s clear we had a lot of chemistry previously and tbh I want to sleep with him but worried second date is too soon, despite talking for over a month now, and quite a lot of investment both sides given distance. I imagine he’d be happy getting me somewhere to stay again.

I wouldn’t sleep with him unless things were exclusive but I feel it’s too early to ‘insist’ on that without it coming across like I’m pushing for something really serious. I’m not, I just don’t sleep with people casually.

Thoughts? I’m worried I’m overthinking this. I don’t get the impression he’s out to use me, but I feel like I’m out of practice and don’t want to be naive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiddlywink222 · 10/01/2024 05:46

Muchof · 10/01/2024 01:05

I think do what you like and no it is not too soon. Although I don’t really like this getting you hotels, it seems like it is in anticipation of sex and was last time too.

I offered lunch or dinner, but if we did dinner I’d have to stay. I made it clear that was my preference as more relaxed for me. I don’t think it was engineered to try and sleep with me but like with any man there’s always that hope I suppose 😅 it certainly wasn’t an expectation.

OP posts:
diefledermaus · 10/01/2024 08:05

I slept with a guy on what I thought was a one night stand - we were together four years.

I waited until the 3rd date with another guy and never heard from him again.

I slept with a nice man on a second date and he's now my husband.

It's all meaningless as long as you have a connection and feel secure.

gannett · 10/01/2024 08:09

tbh I want to sleep with him

This is the only thing that really matters.

I wouldn’t sleep with him unless things were exclusive but I feel it’s too early to ‘insist’ on that without it coming across like I’m pushing for something really serious. I’m not, I just don’t sleep with people casually.

You can tell him this! In exactly these words! It's a perfectly reasonable stance, there's no need to hide it. And it's what you feel, so you shouldn't hide it.

Honest and open communication is the key to any good relationship even if it feels awkward, so it'd be good to start that early.

gannett · 10/01/2024 08:11

And like PP have said there's no such thing as sleeping with someone too soon.

There might be too soon for you as an individual, but there's no overarching rule.

Strugglingtodomybest · 10/01/2024 08:15

gannett · 10/01/2024 08:09

tbh I want to sleep with him

This is the only thing that really matters.

I wouldn’t sleep with him unless things were exclusive but I feel it’s too early to ‘insist’ on that without it coming across like I’m pushing for something really serious. I’m not, I just don’t sleep with people casually.

You can tell him this! In exactly these words! It's a perfectly reasonable stance, there's no need to hide it. And it's what you feel, so you shouldn't hide it.

Honest and open communication is the key to any good relationship even if it feels awkward, so it'd be good to start that early.

I agree. Honest communication from the start. You've already got the attraction, so this could be the start of something great.

theduchessofspork · 10/01/2024 08:18

Go with what you feel comfortable with - nothing wrong with sex on a first date.

However the fact you are worrying about it indicates you want to be on surer footing with him first, so don’t - but do have a conversation with him on whether he’d like to take this forward into exclusivity yet, or see how it goes. Nothing wrong with wanting to know that before you have sex.

Pollyannamex · 10/01/2024 08:21

Are you going to pay for the hotel this time round?

theduchessofspork · 10/01/2024 08:21

penjil · 10/01/2024 01:15

I would feel obliged to sleep with him if he kept doing that. He'd want something for his money.

How many times would he pay for a hotel without sex before he'd get annoyed?

Edited
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You need to work on your self esteem.

She’s travelled to see him, it’s a reasonable division of time/money cost.

Original poster
Tiddlywink222 · 10/01/2024 08:29

Pollyannamex · 10/01/2024 08:21

Are you going to pay for the hotel this time round?

erm, no? 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiddlywink222 · 10/01/2024 08:30

diefledermaus · 10/01/2024 08:05

I slept with a guy on what I thought was a one night stand - we were together four years.

I waited until the 3rd date with another guy and never heard from him again.

I slept with a nice man on a second date and he's now my husband.

It's all meaningless as long as you have a connection and feel secure.

Yes I think if they’re just after sex it probably doesn’t mean the magical third date or later will change that. It’s just kind of drummed into you!

he’s already talking about plans after this weekend in a kind of casual way so I think that’s a good sign.

OP posts:
OwlWeiwei · 10/01/2024 08:34

You're not sure.If you're not sure, wait. Anticipation is very sexy. You can spend another night together without having sex.

And I agree with PPs. Surely he should travel to you this time?

Didimum · 10/01/2024 08:36

gannett · 10/01/2024 08:09

tbh I want to sleep with him

This is the only thing that really matters.

I wouldn’t sleep with him unless things were exclusive but I feel it’s too early to ‘insist’ on that without it coming across like I’m pushing for something really serious. I’m not, I just don’t sleep with people casually.

You can tell him this! In exactly these words! It's a perfectly reasonable stance, there's no need to hide it. And it's what you feel, so you shouldn't hide it.

Honest and open communication is the key to any good relationship even if it feels awkward, so it'd be good to start that early.

This. You can absolutely tell him your expectations that sleeping together is an exclusive arrangement. Your boundary is your boundary. Stop caring what he thinks of it! If he thinks badly of it then he’s not the person for you.

SamW98 · 10/01/2024 08:38

Is there a reason why he’s paying for you to stay at a hotel rather than stay at his if the date is in his local area?

Original poster
Tiddlywink222 · 10/01/2024 08:39

OwlWeiwei · 10/01/2024 08:34

You're not sure.If you're not sure, wait. Anticipation is very sexy. You can spend another night together without having sex.

And I agree with PPs. Surely he should travel to you this time?

Because even if he travelled here I would still have to drive to my nearest city for somewhere nice to go and where he could stay. Id rather not drive and stay in a nice hotel tbh 😅

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiddlywink222 · 10/01/2024 08:40

SamW98 · 10/01/2024 08:38

Is there a reason why he’s paying for you to stay at a hotel rather than stay at his if the date is in his local area?

He did but there is no way I’d stay at someone’s house on a first date?😵‍💫 and he did specify spare room - no expectations but even then

(no he isn’t married)

OP posts:
Bluedabidee · 10/01/2024 08:43

I don't think there's anything wrong with sleeping with him on the second date if you are both feeling it but I wouldn't allow myself to get emotionally invested at this stage as it's still very early. I saw somewhere that it's best to wait at least 3 months before allow yourself to become emotionally invested and I think that's more important than when you sleep with him, particularly if you met online.

SamW98 · 10/01/2024 08:43

Tiddlywink222 · 10/01/2024 08:40

He did but there is no way I’d stay at someone’s house on a first date?😵‍💫 and he did specify spare room - no expectations but even then

(no he isn’t married)

Edited
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First date I get but you’ve already spent the night with him so this date it would make more sense to stay with him.

Or definitely going forwards.

Chesterdrawers12 · 10/01/2024 08:44

Hm nothing wrong with sex whenever but I'd be more worried about living so far apart. Is this actually going to work living so far apart? Sounds like a lot of effort for sex. Are you actually going to be able to date - do stuff together? Or will it be sleepovers only?

And also having to stay in a hotel room. Why not stay at his on the second date? I don't understand why you'd sleep in a room with someone you don't trust enough to be in their home with them.

Unless he has a wife hidden at home.

Grimchmas · 10/01/2024 08:44

There are no arbitrary rules, you can do what you like and date 2 vs date 3 doesn't make much difference.

Given that your want to be exclusive and definitely in a relationship before having sex, I think you should wait (and longer than date 3) or risk that it fizzles out quickly.

Original poster
Tiddlywink222 · 10/01/2024 08:46

SamW98 · 10/01/2024 08:43

First date I get but you’ve already spent the night with him so this date it would make more sense to stay with him.

Or definitely going forwards.

Show quote history

Oh I see. Maybe he will, we haven’t made firm plans, but I think even on this one I’d still maybe prefer a hotel, and then going forwards stay at his. It’s very unlikely but if it all goes horribly wrong it’s safer to have a hotel!

OP posts:
Startingagainandagain · 10/01/2024 08:46

I think you are setting yourself up for a world of disappointment.

He is married or has another partner...

Likely the Christmas holiday was a family thing and he uses the excuse of weekend work trips to see you.

It seems odd to me that he wants to date someone who lives so far away and does not invite you to his place.

He should be the one travelling closer to you this time if all of this was genuine.

My feelings is that you are being groomed to be a mistress.

Original poster
Tiddlywink222 · 10/01/2024 08:49

Chesterdrawers12 · 10/01/2024 08:44

Hm nothing wrong with sex whenever but I'd be more worried about living so far apart. Is this actually going to work living so far apart? Sounds like a lot of effort for sex. Are you actually going to be able to date - do stuff together? Or will it be sleepovers only?

And also having to stay in a hotel room. Why not stay at his on the second date? I don't understand why you'd sleep in a room with someone you don't trust enough to be in their home with them.

Unless he has a wife hidden at home.

He isn’t married and he did offer - see my previous post.

staying in a hotel enables me to relax and get ready / have a shower etc before dinner and in the very unlikely event things go south it still gives me a bit more security :)

OP posts:
Deathbyfluffy · 10/01/2024 08:49

penjil · 10/01/2024 01:00

Do you feel that as he's paying for a hotel and dinner every time you go over near his place, that you feel obliged to consider sex earlier than you should, as sex would somehow be paying him back and you don't want to be seen to be taking the piss?

It’s been made pretty clear in the OP that this isn’t the case IMO

Deathbyfluffy · 10/01/2024 08:51

Tiddlywink222 · 10/01/2024 08:29

erm, no? 😂

Show quote history

I’d ask to stay at his or offer him the chance to come to you.
Letting him pay for everything feels a bit ‘grabby’

unbelievablescenes · 10/01/2024 08:52

You can tell him all you like that you don't sleep with men out with exclusive relationships, if he's just after a shag he'll nod and agree and carry on regardless so I'd just go with the fact you want to do it. I've come to realise what men say, think and do are all separate entities so just please yourself and keep your fingers crossed it works out.

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