2nd date too soon to sleep with him?

[Tiddlywink222]

I’m normally very sure of myself with this sort of stuff but been out of the dating game for a while!

Met a guy on OLD in December. Chatted a lot. Had a phone call before meeting for over an hour - all good. No red flags.

Met IRL just before Christmas. I live quite far away from him, he offered to pay for my train fare and hotel if it meant we could be more relaxed in the evening and not worry about missing my last train back. Sorted that, all fine, 5* hotel… made it clear there were no expectations and all under my name. We had drinks and then dinner at a very nice restaurant. Got on really well, really relaxed and fun. I haven’t dated anyone seriously for nearly two years as I was heartbroken after my last relationship and this is the first time I’ve actually felt a bit of a spark with someone else since.

He stayed with me in the end as it got late, but we didn’t have sex and he didn’t push it. Kissed a lot, stayed PG 😅 Had breakfast together, he made sure I got home safely. All fine.
I think it should have felt too much quite early on but it didn’t at all, weirdly. I offered for him to stay he wasn’t pushy about it.

He went on holiday straight after Christmas and has messaged me every day, not in a weird intense way just general chit chat, flirty but not overtly sexual. He’s made it clear he’s interested and wants to see me again.

This weekend we’re supposed to meet up for a second date. It’s clear we had a lot of chemistry previously and tbh I want to sleep with him but worried second date is too soon, despite talking for over a month now, and quite a lot of investment both sides given distance. I imagine he’d be happy getting me somewhere to stay again.

I wouldn’t sleep with him unless things were exclusive but I feel it’s too early to ‘insist’ on that without it coming across like I’m pushing for something really serious. I’m not, I just don’t sleep with people casually.

Thoughts? I’m worried I’m overthinking this. I don’t get the impression he’s out to use me, but I feel like I’m out of practice and don’t want to be naive.

Why the eye roll? Aren’t women supposed to be equal partners not commodities to be paid for?

‘Dinner is very different from a hotel room’

it’s not though really given the context and how the whole thing came about as I explained above. And we spoke a fair bit before meeting.

Men and women will be ‘equal’ when men can give birth.

Oh please. My toes are curling for you.

As said, fine for the first meeting, but it’s time for you to pay your way and pay your own hotel room if you choose to go down there for the night,

But at the stage you are at, don't really know you yet.

Husband treating you for your birthday - romantic and sweet.

Man you've just met paying for your hotel so you can stay over and surprise surprise, ending up staying over with you - feels entitled.

Don't have any issue with sleeping with people early, but in this case it feels like there is a power dynamic created by the money that's changing hands. I always went 50/50 on dates and wouldn't want a man to try to pay for everything early on.

Oh lord, we are in deeper than I thought.

I’m very supportive of you OP. The only difference is l will ask a man out and l will ask a man for sex. We are adults and know what we want. I am hormone driven, I have needs and there is nothing wrong with that. Oh, and l’ve been told on MN previously that they had names for girls like me at school, but l digress.

But go for your preferences and you be you. If he wanted a quick shag there are quicker and cheaper routes he could have taken.

Likewise.

Women have more potential repercussions from having sex with men, physical ramifications if you use a non-barrier method form of BC, take financial hits from giving up time in their careers to have children. Potentially wreck their bodies in the process. Find it harder to date after having kids, end up doing more of the childcare, and yet you want to pretend we’re all ‘equal’?

it’s a complete fallacy.

I don’t think it matters if it feels right. I met DH online and we’d only spoken on the phone for about two months. We met in a city halfway and I slept with him the night we met! 😃 We’ve been together 14 years now and married for ten.

What's the 'so what' of this, though?

You say we aren't equal - we as women are disadvantaged - so is it therefore fine to put ourselves as women on a pedestal, and expect men to have to put in more effort (money) when dating than we would do for them?

Personally I would have thanked him but insisted on sorting my own hotel out as he’s paying for the date. But that’s where people see things differently. It just seems far too much to let someone you barely know pay for you to stay in a hotel for the first few dates. I would feel very uncomfortable with that.

I live out in the sticks and I accept that isn’t anyone else’s choice other than mine so when I go on first dates, I always drive and usually meet up in a neutral town between where we both live (if it’s a distance thing).

Going for dinner and staying in a hotel for the first date seems a lot of expectation to get on. I’m sure many of us have been on dates where we’ve wanted to get out of there almost immediately and in that situation it makes it far more difficult which is why so many choose a casual first date rather than dinner these days.

Hope it works out for you and going back to your OP I would definitely tell him you want to be exclusive before sex.

Slept with DP within hours of meeting him and we have been together 7 years and have 2 children now

Women have more potential repercussions from having sex with men, physical ramifications if you use a non-barrier method form of BC, take financial hits from giving up time in their careers to have children. Potentially wreck their bodies in the process. Find it harder to date after having kids, end up doing more of the childcare,

Can you see that none of this is not going to happen if he pays for the hotel room and you cross your legs until the third date?! If you're worried about these things, you're labouring under a huge misapprehension, giving yourself a false sense of security by working to rules that have zero base in fact.

Well yes especially in the initial stages. Not on a pedestal but just treated well. Money is not the same as effort but tend to coincide.

and to be honest, he’s happy to do it and has offered. So I don’t see the issue.

Omg that’s not what I’m saying 🫣

Money is not the same as effort but tend to coincide.

If you'll fall for that you'll fall for anything.

My rule with old was to have them travel to you, even if it’s just to go for a drink in local pub. I wouldn’t go to them until they’d been to me at least three times but tbh anyone interested always came to me. Him paying for your travel and hotel gives me the ick. It’s low value behaviour. Your time and energy can be bought easily. He doesn’t have to do much apart from flash his credit card. Men value the time of women they have to work hard for.

If you’re just looking for sex do what you like but I wouldn’t sleep with him yet it if you’re looking for a relationship. Being in touch over text/ phone creates a false sense of intimacy. You’ve met him once in reality.
Dh travelled to me every week 2 hours car journey when we were dating. Only time I went to him was when he came to pick me up and drove me to his area. We had sex after about a 2 months when he’d volunteered he was off old and only seeing me.

Yeah, this is the difference between us I guess. I wouldn't expect anything of a man that I wouldn't do for him.

I wouldn't pay for someone's hotel I'd just met. So I wouldn't accept him doing the same for me, either.

I slept with DH on the first date. Still together 8 years and 3 kids later.

It felt right, we used protection etc.

You only live once op!

@toomanyleggings this is the only good counter argument based on the real world of dating rather than the fantasy world some of the posters on here are living in. Very good points about getting him to put some of the effort time-wise in as well, especially if he’s well off, getting him to make more of a time commitment will be a better test of his intentions.

Some said 6 dates 😆
Someone I know prided herself on waiting 6 mths with the guy she is with now still (long story) but he was sleeping around whilst she waited anyway lol. So nothing gained there.

Again I agree with other replies, do what feels comfortable. And from what you pick up from the other person. Sometimes they can seem different to what they are, but then there have been many success stories too.

My ex i went home with the same night we met, had a great night, ended up seeing eachother regularly, sad that it ended.

Another guy I fancied but he was straight he had said he didn't want a gf. We both had needs lol and it happened. Women always get attached in one way or another, but i knew what it was, and we both had a good time.

You didn't read the other post by OP saying his set up.

This may not be a popular suggestion, but I find the 90-day rule satisfying. That way, if he's still around, you know that your relationship is based on real interest in each other rather than someone running off after the deed.

He has expressed an interest in coming over my way, he’s definitely not said he never would, but I actually feel more comfortable travelling to see him right now. He knows the area better and places to go, and he’s doing the planning and I prefer that. But yes I agree in time I would expect some effort time wise too.