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Original poster

DH has lied to me and I feel devastated

158 replies

mybonsai · 09/01/2024 15:07

DH and I have been together 6 years married for 2. When we first got together I knew that he took cocaine on the odd occasion. I don't like it, have never done it myself but I recognise that in the industry and circles he works and moves in it's rife.
A year into our relationship it emerged that his occasional use was in fact much more than that. It had huge ramifications at the time on the custody of his kids, (he seems them less as a result) and we split up for a while. He went to counselling and submitted to drug testing and for a year tests came back that he hadn't used at all. He promised me he wouldn't and hadn't. He recognised what he'd done, what he lost, what he stood to lose. I had no reason not to believe him and supported him through it, when we got back together.

Two years ago something felt off after he'd been out for a day with an ex colleague. He finally admitted he'd done a line. We had a huge row and I was very upset. We had just bought a house together and the timing was awful. He was again contrite, it was only one line etc etc, and he again did a drug test which bore this out. It took me a long time to trust him again. And it really bashed my self esteem. Something about me not being good enough for him to not have to use drugs for-it was not a good time. But we worked through it with alot of effort on my part. I don't want to have to monitor my other half and it has taken a lot for me to trust him again. We got married as planned and all has been great.

Until now. I found out on Boxing Day, after seeing something on his phone when I borrowed it, that he had again used cocaine. At first he told me it was just once. It took a week for him to admit it was a 'handful' of occasions.
I'm genuinely devastated. I feel angry yes. But mostly just very hurt, humiliated, inferior, not good enough, and stupid. I am anxious and can't stop crying. He again assures me that it's the last time. That he doesn't want to lose me or my family. That he will do the drugs tests etc etc. I don't know how I can ever trust him again. And I don't know how to shake how this has made me feel about myself. I don't trust my own judgment anymore. And I don't know how to make this work. We have five kids between us and other than this we have been/are so happy.

I don't think he is an addict per se. But he is clearly very selfish or lacks impulse control. And in which case it's not going to be any sort of life is it, always wondering.

He has to go away for work later this month and I don't know how I will get through that constantly worrying about what he is up to.
I don't even know what I'm asking really. Has anyone been through similar or can advise? At the moment I don't even want to get out of bed it's just bought me so low.

OP posts:
smooze · 09/01/2024 15:14

Addiction comes in all shapes and forms - and he sounds like one. It impacted him having custody of his kids and he still didn't kick the habit - and he routinely lies about it. He needs to commit to something like Narcotics Anonymous or another program to stay sober. It's best for him to find some mates who are sober, and avoid his triggers - in his case, it might be going out with work colleagues or drinking? Either way, he has to commit to something and see it out. I'm so sorry for you - something like Nar-Anon could be good, for people who have family/friends/loved ones who abuse drugs. It's not at all your fault - and you shouldn't feel responsible at all. FWIW recovery is most definitely possible - I'm almost a year sober. Definitely reach out to Nar-anon or something similar - it will do you the world of good to talk to people who are in your situation!

MILTOBE · 09/01/2024 15:14

How many of the children belong to you, OP? How old are you?

It's clear that this is going to continue. He wants it to. Shame on him that his drug use affected how often he saw his children. That should have told you everything.

Are you prepared to have a life of suspicion, lies and drug tests?

He's clearly a convincing liar - think about that. Also have a think about what else he might be lying about when he's out with his friends.

He chooses those friends. He chose them over his own children. Don't expect him to choose you over them - it's not going to happen.

What's your financial situation like?

notanothernamechange12 · 09/01/2024 15:14

If he choosing coke over you and his family then yes he is an addict. Get him to listen to the podcast menace to sobriety it will open his eyes. How low does he want to go before he realises he is an addict

MILTOBE · 09/01/2024 15:15

A podcast isn't going to make a difference unless he wants to change. It's clear he doesn't want to.

Plvyunbcf56778 · 09/01/2024 15:16

Bottom line is OP that he is an addict and no unfortunately he won’t stop just get better at hiding it.

It’s no reflection on you at all, and you are good enough it’s him that’s got the issues and it’s him that goes back because yes he’s in fact addicted.

whatever he tells you take with a pinch of salt it probably wasn’t a handful of times, did you ever see him take the drugs tests? Anyway he could have got someone else to take them for him?

I think if after all this time you’ve been together and he reverts back time and time again to sniff coke then unfortunately he isn’t gonna stop and he will get better at hiding it.

Im sorry for all your going through and I hope my post hasn’t come across harsh, I’ve got experience with an ex who was like this and I wish someone had been straight with me back then it would have saved years worth of heart ache.

SpringleDingle · 09/01/2024 15:17

He’s either an addict or he doesn’t care about losing you….

Aquamarine1029 · 09/01/2024 15:17

He will always choose coke over you. He's proved it over and over and over. Believe him.

Why would you want to live this way? If it were me, the marriage would be over.

SuperSange · 09/01/2024 15:18

How many chances are you going to give him? He knows you'll let him off with it, so he'll carry on. You've got a decision to make x

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 09/01/2024 15:19

This is so sad that he continues to put everything after cocaine. It’s not daily use but you will never really trust him will you.

FaiIureToLunch · 09/01/2024 15:20

Nah get rid.

JenniferJupiterVenusandMars · 09/01/2024 15:20

He’s an addict. Addicts lie habitually.
What else has he lied about?
I would kick him out.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 09/01/2024 15:22

So... How many times has he had a drug test, apologised, promised never to do it again and been forgiven?

He doesn't seem to be able to change his pattern of behaviour.

You may need to consider that his ex had the right of him and decided to change her behaviour in order to escape yet another turn on that merry go round.

How many more times will you make that circular journey before you too decide he loves and needs his drug of choice more than he does you?

Look after yourself first and foremost. He won't tell you the truth and, from what you have said he isn't all that bothered about you finding out!

watcherintherye · 09/01/2024 15:25

I think once you’ve taken drugs/drunk alcohol and decided you like how you feel when you’re doing it, much more than you like the feeling of being yourself when you’re sober or clean, then it must be hellishly difficult to stop being tempted all the time. That’s why it’s so hard to give things up on your own, because there are probably unresolved issues fuelling the addiction. He might benefit from counselling/rehab to recognise where his weaknesses stem from and learn strategies to strengthen his determination and resilience when faced with situations in which he knows he’s vulnerable.

Original poster
mybonsai · 09/01/2024 15:26

Two kids are mine, older teens. I'm 44. He is 47.
It's not friends he is choosing. It's work colleagues/clients. He doesn't really socialise outside of work unless with me, or our mutual friends (none of whom take drugs). It's just been in work situations. Which he can't not attend, because that's his job. And that's a big part if the issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
mybonsai · 09/01/2024 15:28

@SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth since the initial scale of the problem has come to light he has relapsed once, after which the big row, and from the last episode, a 'handful of times'.
I know how hopeless this looks.

OP posts:
MILTOBE · 09/01/2024 15:28

But his colleagues are his friends - they have a huge shared interest.

MILTOBE · 09/01/2024 15:29

If he's 47 and using coke it's a matter of time before he has a heart attack.

Beach87 · 09/01/2024 15:30

You didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it and you cant change it. Repeat that to yourself over and over. None of this is on you.
Moving forward you have to decide if you can accept that this is going to happen occasionally; you could make plans around when and where is acceptable or you decide you can’t accept it and leave. My personal experience is leave; once you can’t trust them on it then the relationship is gone anyway

Falkenburg · 09/01/2024 15:31

If it's all around him then he is t going to give it up.

He's shown you that not only is he a very weak man but he is also sly and devious and not to be trusted.

After the wake up call of failing as a father when his custody case ruled against him so that he sees less if his children he could have joined narcotics anonymous etc and signed himself up for a lifetime of abstinence and got a lot of support.

How could anyone live with themselves knowing it's their own children that have been punished because of taking coke?

He has gone through the motions a few time of promises, promises, promises and no real intention to ever want to give it up.

I find weak men a huge turn off and he is an extremely weak man. Is that what you want in your life? A deceiver and a drug addict?

Falkenburg · 09/01/2024 15:32

Just read yes 47, I thought he was much younger.

In that case there really is no hope for him.

FurballFrenzy · 09/01/2024 15:34

Friend of a friend drug tests her partner still, 7 years after he quit. Says it’s the only way to be sure. Some addicts need that to stay accountable. It’s up to you if it’s a deal breaker.

Original poster
mybonsai · 09/01/2024 15:37

Some are, though more acquaintances via work than friends I would say. Not that it matters

OP posts:
Ladyj84 · 09/01/2024 15:37

The issues is nothing to do with colleagues cmon your husband has an addiction he can't control it. You chose to marrry him knowing it had been an issue. I wouldn't have my kids around someone like this

DointItForTheKids · 09/01/2024 15:38

I'll say this as plainly as I can and this is from BITTER, real life experience.

RUN. End it. Now.

He will always lie, pretend he's stopped, lie, use again.

If you're willing to give him a chance to stop, tell him he cannot remain at home with your children and you until he can prove to you over many months that he's clean.

Force him to submit to a test every time before he walks through the door.

Note: should you ever leave your kids alone with him, and SS find out, it will go down as "The mother left child in the care of a known drug user". They do NOT look kindly on this, or in shades other than black and white = WRONG and negligent mother.

HE IS AN ADDICT.

It's not your job to change him, it has to come from him.

Opentooffers · 09/01/2024 15:40

He is of an age where the coke could cause heart problems. You can hide it from people, but your body knows and it takes its toll. Then there are the nose issues - more obvious signs of runny or congested nose, watch out for that.