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Original poster

DH has lied to me and I feel devastated

158 replies

mybonsai · 09/01/2024 15:07

DH and I have been together 6 years married for 2. When we first got together I knew that he took cocaine on the odd occasion. I don't like it, have never done it myself but I recognise that in the industry and circles he works and moves in it's rife.
A year into our relationship it emerged that his occasional use was in fact much more than that. It had huge ramifications at the time on the custody of his kids, (he seems them less as a result) and we split up for a while. He went to counselling and submitted to drug testing and for a year tests came back that he hadn't used at all. He promised me he wouldn't and hadn't. He recognised what he'd done, what he lost, what he stood to lose. I had no reason not to believe him and supported him through it, when we got back together.

Two years ago something felt off after he'd been out for a day with an ex colleague. He finally admitted he'd done a line. We had a huge row and I was very upset. We had just bought a house together and the timing was awful. He was again contrite, it was only one line etc etc, and he again did a drug test which bore this out. It took me a long time to trust him again. And it really bashed my self esteem. Something about me not being good enough for him to not have to use drugs for-it was not a good time. But we worked through it with alot of effort on my part. I don't want to have to monitor my other half and it has taken a lot for me to trust him again. We got married as planned and all has been great.

Until now. I found out on Boxing Day, after seeing something on his phone when I borrowed it, that he had again used cocaine. At first he told me it was just once. It took a week for him to admit it was a 'handful' of occasions.
I'm genuinely devastated. I feel angry yes. But mostly just very hurt, humiliated, inferior, not good enough, and stupid. I am anxious and can't stop crying. He again assures me that it's the last time. That he doesn't want to lose me or my family. That he will do the drugs tests etc etc. I don't know how I can ever trust him again. And I don't know how to shake how this has made me feel about myself. I don't trust my own judgment anymore. And I don't know how to make this work. We have five kids between us and other than this we have been/are so happy.

I don't think he is an addict per se. But he is clearly very selfish or lacks impulse control. And in which case it's not going to be any sort of life is it, always wondering.

He has to go away for work later this month and I don't know how I will get through that constantly worrying about what he is up to.
I don't even know what I'm asking really. Has anyone been through similar or can advise? At the moment I don't even want to get out of bed it's just bought me so low.

OP posts:
CharmedCult · 09/01/2024 16:58

You really think he’s only used cocaine on the occasions you’ve found out about?

He’s either terribly unlucky that the only two occasions he’s used since you split and got back together, you caught him out both times.

Or more likely, he’s been taking cocaine pretty much every time he goes out for/with work.

When he’s done these drug tests are you actually in the room with him, watching him do them?

HappyintheHills · 09/01/2024 17:02

mybonsai · 09/01/2024 16:55

I've far from condoned it. I've given him one two many chances perhaps. That's not the same thing.

Two too many times, and that’s just when he was caught. By your own telling he is out there with the coke around all off the time, and it’s irresistible.

MissHarrietBede · 09/01/2024 17:02

Think of coke as his affair partner who he keeps going back to, despite how much upset it causes you.

Original poster
mybonsai · 09/01/2024 17:03

As in said he admitted to it being a handful of times this last time. And tbh it could only have been a handful of times as he hasn't been out that much (with work). That said his definition of handful might not be the same as mine, and once, twice or 10 times is all the same as it all involved the same lie (s).

OP posts:
Original poster
mybonsai · 09/01/2024 17:04

I was in the room when he did his drug tests yes. And he has said that he will do the routinely now going forwards. I don't want to live like that however-if that's what we're down then there is no hope really.

OP posts:
HappyintheHills · 09/01/2024 17:05

He knows he can’t self regulate- that’s why he wants to set you up to police him.

HappyintheHills · 09/01/2024 17:07

Next he’ll imply you’re controlling

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 09/01/2024 17:07

mybonsai · 09/01/2024 15:26

Two kids are mine, older teens. I'm 44. He is 47.
It's not friends he is choosing. It's work colleagues/clients. He doesn't really socialise outside of work unless with me, or our mutual friends (none of whom take drugs). It's just been in work situations. Which he can't not attend, because that's his job. And that's a big part if the issue.

What does his employer have to say about this?

sweetgingercat · 09/01/2024 17:09

I think you need to look at what he does rather than what he says, as an indicator of his behaviour. He says he wants to give up, but what he’s done is relapse many times. And hidden it from you too, so there are problems about trust between you. He obviously needs support, self help groups, therapy, drug testing if he’s going to succeed. If he agrees to this and follows through and does it (for the rest of his life) then I’d take a punt on it. Some people do give up. But only if he does all those things and in the clear knowledge that if he relapses again then you’ll leave.

AnneValentine · 09/01/2024 17:11

mybonsai · 09/01/2024 15:26

Two kids are mine, older teens. I'm 44. He is 47.
It's not friends he is choosing. It's work colleagues/clients. He doesn't really socialise outside of work unless with me, or our mutual friends (none of whom take drugs). It's just been in work situations. Which he can't not attend, because that's his job. And that's a big part if the issue.

There is no profession which requires drug use. There are careers which normalise addiction. Because that’s what he is. If he wasn’t he would be able to just stop. His drug issue is so bad it impacted custody of kids. He picked drugs over his kids. Hes either an addict or the lowest human.

He’s had 3 strikes. That’s divorce territory for me.

margotrose · 09/01/2024 17:13

mybonsai · 09/01/2024 16:55

I've far from condoned it. I've given him one two many chances perhaps. That's not the same thing.

It's exactly the same thing.

You knew he was an addict and married him anyway. Either accept your life will be controlled by drugs or be sensible and do better.

JenniferJupiterVenusandMars · 09/01/2024 17:16

…It's work colleagues/clients. He doesn't really socialise outside of work unless with me, or our mutual friends (none of whom take drugs). It's just been in work situations. Which he can't not attend, because that's his job. And that's a big part if the issue
He’s got the perfect excuse then, hasn’t he?
🙄

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 09/01/2024 17:18

If he cared about getting clean, he'd change career.

Cosywintertime · 09/01/2024 17:19

I’m not really sure about the need to argue about is he an addict or not. The key issue is this was a boundary and he lied and broke it.

howver on saying that it’s your reaction that is worrying for me, I understand getting angry, being annoyed, frustrated upset, but for you it’s all about are you good enough. That isn’t healthy, he is not doing coke because of you, but despite you, he’s offered it when out, he enjoys it, he wants it, so he does it.

Doingmybest12 · 09/01/2024 17:20

Was going to say he needs to change careers and move to where there isn't habitual drug use.

moreshitandnofuckingredemption · 09/01/2024 17:21

JengaCupboard · 09/01/2024 16:49

I'm sorry you're in turmoil over this - I unfortunately have history of being in a relationship with a drug user and as such took the eventual decision to end the relationship for several reasons, as was right at the time. It took a while though.

However - I also went through therapy, for several 'self improvement' reasons but this element came up (therapy was some time after the break up and not predominantly because of it).

The long and the short of it is that nobody has the right to impose or insist another person doesn't do something just because you/they don't like it. You can outline your own boundaries regarding what is acceptable to you, but if you don't action those boundaries then it becomes pointless, like an empty threat and subsequently looses all value, because you don't follow through. I know that sounds harsh.

It could be queried that if he is a functioning human being in terms of his general life responsibilities then this is an impulse/occasional bad choice situation rather than a more serious addiction, however if he's previously compromised the relationship with his kids it would suggest a bigger issue.

Why live with the constant worry of what he's doing and whether he can be trusted. Life is way too short for that level of stress. He's had multiple opportunities to sort it out, but instead continues to lie and deceive you because the consequences are perceived as negligible.

If you're serious about not tolerating his personal choices then you need to take the choice away, in the only way you have actual control over, which is the choice to remove yourself as an option for him.

This is a great post

Est1990 · 09/01/2024 17:22

He is addicted. I only see 3 options

  1. you accept it as part of your life
  2. he changes jobs and proves you it was his job making him do it (it will still happen but he will say he did a line cause he had to change jobs and is earning less so he is stressed out...always an excuse)
  3. you leave him even if that means your lifestyle will change cause of less income
Cosywintertime · 09/01/2024 17:22

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 09/01/2024 17:18

If he cared about getting clean, he'd change career.

Cmon now. Changing career with a family to support is not that easy, and can be long , expensive, difficult, and you may need extensive retraining. And to start again at the bottom when you can’t afford to do so.

changing career is often written like it’s just something you do, by people who have never done it, don’t have a career, maybe a job, and don’t have children to pay for.

so let’s not make out it is a simple solution.

butterbean67 · 09/01/2024 17:25

The problem with lying in a relationship is if they can so easily lie to you about something they’ve been doing (not even one lie, multiple.) Then what else can they lie about?
What other behaviours do they do when they’re out that they don’t disclose?
He could be behaving inappropriately with women whilst under the substance. He could be doing ANYTHING.

I can see why you feel exhausted from believing a man who lies - I am in a similar situation, we have split but are getting counselling. Thing is after a while you have to question if they’ll ever just be honest.

I don’t think an addict can change when they continue to be around other users. In which case in order for him to stop he would need to remove himself from his job and start a whole new career, which isn’t very easy to do. That or not go away and not go to “events” or “nights out” which I imagine is part of his job.

He won’t change without leaving that job, and I’m guessing he can’t and as you say you both can’t afford it. So you either trust him again, continue the regular testing and he seems some level of help, but I think you can be pretty certain at one time or another he will give in to his habit again.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 09/01/2024 17:26

Cosywintertime · 09/01/2024 17:22

Cmon now. Changing career with a family to support is not that easy, and can be long , expensive, difficult, and you may need extensive retraining. And to start again at the bottom when you can’t afford to do so.

changing career is often written like it’s just something you do, by people who have never done it, don’t have a career, maybe a job, and don’t have children to pay for.

so let’s not make out it is a simple solution.

Show quote history

I career changed in my late twenties. It's possible to do it.

What would the impact on his family be if he was caught in possession of cocaine and ended up with a criminal record? Probably worse than a career change would be.

He could also try doing similar work somewhere else that doesn't have a culture of illegal substance abuse.

Latewinter · 09/01/2024 17:29

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 09/01/2024 17:26

I career changed in my late twenties. It's possible to do it.

What would the impact on his family be if he was caught in possession of cocaine and ended up with a criminal record? Probably worse than a career change would be.

He could also try doing similar work somewhere else that doesn't have a culture of illegal substance abuse.

Show quote history

He's 47...

CinnamonJellyBeans · 09/01/2024 17:31

When your husband takes the odd line and you find out, instead of helping him get back on the wagon, you make it all about you and how it hurts you (even though he's risking addiction and death)

So then he has to hide it from you and cannot access your support, as you just threaten to leave him and say how you feel inferior. Not very helpful really.

You're meant to be a team. He has a physical and mental need and needs your support and encouragement, so support him.

YouJustDoYou · 09/01/2024 17:32

I honestly don't get coke use. For what, to stay awake for longer? Just have coffee no? (That's what it did to me when I tried it a couple times in my youth, I just stayed awake until 3pm the next day, I just didn't get why that was supposed to be fun). Sorry op, I wouldn't trust a drug user either.

Youregoingthewrongway · 09/01/2024 17:34

mybonsai · 09/01/2024 17:04

I was in the room when he did his drug tests yes. And he has said that he will do the routinely now going forwards. I don't want to live like that however-if that's what we're down then there is no hope really.

It might be what he needs though, op. I totally understand that you want to be able to trust him without the need for checks, but he’s proven to be not strong enough for that. However, I’d also totally understand if you don’t to take on that role. As a pp said, weakness can be a big turn off.
It’s not certain, though, that he doesn’t want to change. Addiction is a sneaky little bugger, it’ll do anything it can to keep hold and he might just need your help to beat it. It’s an option worth exploring if you think there’s something/anything still worth saving.

Original poster
mybonsai · 09/01/2024 17:36

That's an Interesting take @CinnamonJellyBeans. Have you read the part where I supported him for a year through counselling and everything else and he then let me down again? But it's a view I suppose. He doesn't believe he is an addict. Just that he has poor impulse control which he lets slide when in certain social situations. What support should I offer him that being the case?

OP posts: