DH has lied to me and I feel devastated

[mybonsai]

DH and I have been together 6 years married for 2. When we first got together I knew that he took cocaine on the odd occasion. I don't like it, have never done it myself but I recognise that in the industry and circles he works and moves in it's rife.
A year into our relationship it emerged that his occasional use was in fact much more than that. It had huge ramifications at the time on the custody of his kids, (he seems them less as a result) and we split up for a while. He went to counselling and submitted to drug testing and for a year tests came back that he hadn't used at all. He promised me he wouldn't and hadn't. He recognised what he'd done, what he lost, what he stood to lose. I had no reason not to believe him and supported him through it, when we got back together.

Two years ago something felt off after he'd been out for a day with an ex colleague. He finally admitted he'd done a line. We had a huge row and I was very upset. We had just bought a house together and the timing was awful. He was again contrite, it was only one line etc etc, and he again did a drug test which bore this out. It took me a long time to trust him again. And it really bashed my self esteem. Something about me not being good enough for him to not have to use drugs for-it was not a good time. But we worked through it with alot of effort on my part. I don't want to have to monitor my other half and it has taken a lot for me to trust him again. We got married as planned and all has been great.

Until now. I found out on Boxing Day, after seeing something on his phone when I borrowed it, that he had again used cocaine. At first he told me it was just once. It took a week for him to admit it was a 'handful' of occasions.
I'm genuinely devastated. I feel angry yes. But mostly just very hurt, humiliated, inferior, not good enough, and stupid. I am anxious and can't stop crying. He again assures me that it's the last time. That he doesn't want to lose me or my family. That he will do the drugs tests etc etc. I don't know how I can ever trust him again. And I don't know how to shake how this has made me feel about myself. I don't trust my own judgment anymore. And I don't know how to make this work. We have five kids between us and other than this we have been/are so happy.

I don't think he is an addict per se. But he is clearly very selfish or lacks impulse control. And in which case it's not going to be any sort of life is it, always wondering.

He has to go away for work later this month and I don't know how I will get through that constantly worrying about what he is up to.
I don't even know what I'm asking really. Has anyone been through similar or can advise? At the moment I don't even want to get out of bed it's just bought me so low.

I advocate getting real-life support and advice. See Advice for the families of people who use drugs – NHS - NHS (www.nhs.uk) as a starting point. There are some useful links here. Once you talk about this with the right people, you can figure out a direction you feel most comfortable with, as well having a space to talk about your feelings.

Omg. Don’t paint him as an addict in need of pity and support. He’s a compulsive recreational user, who likes how it feels and when he’s out with his ‘creative industry’ mates, and someone pulls out a baggy and offers him a line (as if it was a single line!) then he’s greedy and can’t resist.

He’s also a liar.

It won’t ever go, OP. He’ll always fancy it if someone offers it. It’s rife in my industry too. It’s almost the norm. And then he’ll be one of the tragic 50/60-somethibgs hoofing gear up their nose with the youngbloods. Until his slightly shitty lifestyle catches up with him and he has a stroke or a heart attack. 👍🏻 so much to look forward to. Not.

He’s an addict who needs help and needs to be out of environments where cocaine use takes place. If he doesn’t get help and remove himself he is bound to take it again and again.

You now know what is taking place so it’s your responsibility to safeguard your children or someone else may…

@2024GarlicCloves you have the situation just right I think.

As do you @Snowdogsmitten On top of the horrible feeling of being lied to, or him almost having two personalities-his lovely home one with us, and his wanker work one, it is making me think how sad it is for a middle aged man to be doing this.

I think you need to decide OP if you’re happy live with this pattern of behaviour in the long term. It’s not because he doesn’t love you but he clearly is choosing to do this instead of walking away / declining when the opportunity arises. It’s been long enough and you’ve worked through enough stuff that if he was ever truly going to quit he would have done it by now. This isn’t really falling off the wagon, it’s deciding in the moment on a regular basis that you are going to partake in something.

So many people are naive to cocaine use in this thread. Talk of addiction and support, getting him help, pitying him… 🙄

He just needs to stop being a greedy liar sticking marching powder up his nose when it’s offered to him.

It maybe that he needs to change his job.

If he is in marketing, which I’m guessing he is, it is very much a part of the hospitality culture and there is little chance of him kicking the habit whilst working in that environment.

@BalletBob he says he didn't tell me because he's deeply ashamed of it. Which may partly be the case-but he would never have told me if I hadn't found out is the reality of it and I can't square that. I am an honest person because I know how it feels to be lied to-and I find it hard that he is aware of that and has done it anyway.

Thankyou for all that have replied-if has helped me get out of the cycle of thinking it's about me and that I'm lacking so caused it a little bit-for now at least.

Lots to consider. It's easy to say 'I'm leaving' but not so easy to do when you are tied financially and by kids and what is otherwise a lovely life and relationship in the middle. I know I will get panned for being weak saying that but real life isn't as easy as saying 'I'm done' and just going unfortunately.

And you are incredibly naive, so jog on. Please to see that you managed to find the caps lock...well done.

Just to clarify: this is a forum, and when I need your permission to post, I will let you know (like never). Unfortunately, I can't find a text that says this, although I'm still looking....😂😂

The quote you mention does not discuss a requirement to do drugs, though perhaps there is peer pressure to do so in his line of work. And this is utter crap and you know it.

Never said you couldn’t post, just pointed out how vicious you are. Please also feel free to jog on.

Op he's an addict and I think he's keeping it well hidden. People that's had a previous problem with coke don't just do the occasional line if they relapse.

And you are stupid. Does that make you feel better?

So many posters haven’t dealt with industries where Coke is as common as having a coffee, or how rife it is on nights out. So common. So, so, so common.

The man doesn’t need support, help, care or treatment for addiction, he needs to grow the fuck up. And stop lying.

Absolutely this. I know a few occasional users who do coke every few months.

They're not addicted. They don't need support. They see it as the equivalent of having a pint. It's a stimulant they enjoy. When offered, they could say no if they want to. They don't want to.

It's the lying about it that is the killer here. Trust is gone.

I'm sorry you're going through this @mybonsai I hope you have some time to mull things over and decide how you want to best proceed.

Addicts never change. I can comment from both sides of this. I had an adict partner first he lied and hid it then he said just that one slip whenever I caught him out. Once you forgive it they don't get scared you will leave because you have shown you won't.

I then had a bit of a problem with a different drug. Didn't do it when working or anything like that it never stopped me functioning but no matter what I did I couldn't quit it. I'd choose money for that over money for food if I had to. I still to this day would be doing it every day if I hadn't had kids. I know I will loose my kids if I'm caught doing it and I know I'd be a shit mother if I did it. So I don't. I'd quit short term for partners but it always comes back possibly it's a new addiction but I always crave something. Knowing my nasty ex knows my history and could make an accusation at any time keeps me from temptation now. But I can't and won't quit the cigarettes or caffeine these addictions I can manage.

So based on my experience of addiction I'd say he doesn't care enough about you to stop. He also probably doesn't believe you will really end it over this maybe split short term but he just has to have a few clean tests and you will take him back. Maybe he will fully quit if you agree between you he does regular tests forevermore even after years and years of clear tests and full trust is back the tests have to happen or he won't have that hanging over him to make him stop. He also has to cut out all the people who do the drugs and delete the numbers of everyone he knows who could get it for him. If you or he can't live the rest of your life like that walk away

This is true, but maybe more people would lie about enjoying a pint down the pub if it was illegal and made everyone assume they were an alcoholic?

I'm not into coke myself, just aware of this tendency to vilify all non-prescription drug use. Also note that coke, and the social habits around it, can be very addictive. But not necessarily.

I think if he was doing it regularly you would see it in the finances. My ex was spending over £800 a month on it over 15 years ago. I've never done it so don't know how far you can stretch it but my wasn't obviously on drugs most of the time. So I'd say check your finances to see how bad of a problem it is. You may be in for a horrible shock or may find he's being honest it's just occasional use

This is true, but maybe more people would lie about enjoying a pint down the pub if it was illegal and made everyone assume they were an alcoholic?

Agreed @Dibilnik

I hope you don't mind my little amendment, as I believe it makes what you've said closer to the truth.

Yeah they're always ashamed. The drug users, the alcoholics, the men who use prostitutes, the gambling addicts, the ones who cheat on their wives. It's just a line they trot out because once they're cornered, their excuses are very limited and they know that most women are conditioned to respond favourably to guilt trips from men.

You made a mistake tying yourself financially to a known drug user, even if he had been clean for a period of time. The question , is do you keep throwing good years after bad. Unless I'm misreading, you don't share kids; you each have kids from previous relationships so you aren't tied by children. You just have a choice to make. Your lifestyle may be nice but it will always involve lies and drug abuse, and before too long it will almost certainly involve massive health implications for him (stroke, heart attack etc) which may result in caring responsibilities or financial burden for you. Make whatever decision makes you happiest, but make it with your eyes wide open. He will almost certainly not change so you need to factor his behaviour into your assessment of the relationship when you decide whether or not to continue it. Sadly all the wishing and hoping and bargaining in the world isn't going to stop him being a habitual drug user.

@mybonsai I'm sure there are useful replies on here, particularly from those who have been in a similar situation (I have too). However, don't just take the advice of strangers on the internet. It is always better, IMO, to speak to people in real life, who will be objective and who have training in this area or in counselling people. It's not always about advice either; sometimes it's about ongoing support whilst you figure things out.

There are phone lines you can call for support and advice also. Even if these are not completely appropriate, and you just want to talk to someone as you work through what to do about your relationship, or just need emotional support, they can point you in the right direction.

This is from the Mind charity website (here: Drug and alcohol addiction - useful contacts - Mind)

Adfamadfam.org.uk
Information and support for friends and family of people with drug or alcohol problems.

Al-Anon0800 0086 811
[email protected]
al-anonuk.org.uk
Offers support meetings across the UK for anyone whose life is affected, or has been affected, by someone else's drinking. Also provides online support meetings, and a confidential helpline.

DrugFAM0300 888 3853
drugfam.co.uk
Provides support to anyone affected by someone else's harmful use of drugs, alcohol or gambling.

Families Anonymous0207 4984 680
famanon.org.uk
Support for friends and family of people with drug problems.

National Association for Children of Alcoholics (Nacoa)0800 358 3456
[email protected]
nacoa.org.uk
Provides information, advice and support for anyone affected by a parent's drinking, including adults.

We Are With Youwearewithyou.org.uk
Supports people with drug, alcohol or mental health problems, and their friends and family.

It's not you - it's him - he used before you, he's using now and he will use after you.

You have several choices - split up or stay. If you stay - then you need to accept that he is very likely to continue to use and you will continue to police him and probably 'catch' him out and even when you don't catch him and he is clean you will feel anxious and unsettled.

He has reduced contact with his kids and has upset you lots of times and he hasn't sustained his abstinence despite this so I would say he is an addict. A functioning addict - there are lots of them. Whatever his job is probably doesn't help but drugs are so readily available that it is probably a minor factor.

He needs to go to rehab / NA (he needs to want to) because it sounds like he and you do not realise he is not just using for recreational purposes.

It's probably better to marry someone who is already what you want rather than make them make promises to you that they don't seem to actually want to keep.
If youre massively against drugs, then why marry someone that uses?
He hasn't fallen off the wagon. I don't think he was ever on a wagon. He just likes recreationally using it with his mates.

I'm no fan of coke heads, but I don't see how laying down the law on this puts you in any sort of healthy equal position in the relationship. You're not his mum. If he acts in ways you hate, then leave him. Don't treat him like a naughty teenager over it

I would listen to the ones that have been through it OP.
Addictions and family life are not a good mix.
I would get out now before things go very wrong further down the road.
You can get a long way on hope, and that's the sole reason many off us stay in relationships we shouldn't. We rely on them changing, when it's only ourselves we can change.

Nope this is just excuses , creative industry blah blah these industry need challenging there is no excuses.

It isn't part of job so stop justifying it, and coke is hardly creative, it turns most into arseholes.