DH has lied to me and I feel devastated

[mybonsai]

DH and I have been together 6 years married for 2. When we first got together I knew that he took cocaine on the odd occasion. I don't like it, have never done it myself but I recognise that in the industry and circles he works and moves in it's rife.
A year into our relationship it emerged that his occasional use was in fact much more than that. It had huge ramifications at the time on the custody of his kids, (he seems them less as a result) and we split up for a while. He went to counselling and submitted to drug testing and for a year tests came back that he hadn't used at all. He promised me he wouldn't and hadn't. He recognised what he'd done, what he lost, what he stood to lose. I had no reason not to believe him and supported him through it, when we got back together.

Two years ago something felt off after he'd been out for a day with an ex colleague. He finally admitted he'd done a line. We had a huge row and I was very upset. We had just bought a house together and the timing was awful. He was again contrite, it was only one line etc etc, and he again did a drug test which bore this out. It took me a long time to trust him again. And it really bashed my self esteem. Something about me not being good enough for him to not have to use drugs for-it was not a good time. But we worked through it with alot of effort on my part. I don't want to have to monitor my other half and it has taken a lot for me to trust him again. We got married as planned and all has been great.

Until now. I found out on Boxing Day, after seeing something on his phone when I borrowed it, that he had again used cocaine. At first he told me it was just once. It took a week for him to admit it was a 'handful' of occasions.
I'm genuinely devastated. I feel angry yes. But mostly just very hurt, humiliated, inferior, not good enough, and stupid. I am anxious and can't stop crying. He again assures me that it's the last time. That he doesn't want to lose me or my family. That he will do the drugs tests etc etc. I don't know how I can ever trust him again. And I don't know how to shake how this has made me feel about myself. I don't trust my own judgment anymore. And I don't know how to make this work. We have five kids between us and other than this we have been/are so happy.

I don't think he is an addict per se. But he is clearly very selfish or lacks impulse control. And in which case it's not going to be any sort of life is it, always wondering.

He has to go away for work later this month and I don't know how I will get through that constantly worrying about what he is up to.
I don't even know what I'm asking really. Has anyone been through similar or can advise? At the moment I don't even want to get out of bed it's just bought me so low.

He may or may not be an addict. It could be he just enjoys getting high more than he values honesty and trust in a relationship. When someone is unfaithful we don't automatically leap to a conclusion of sex addiction. Some people just put self gratification before everything else.

I guess what I'm saying is focus on yourself, OP. Not his 'addiction'. Can you put up with him being this selfish and dishonest, or not?

Hi OP, you said this:
My kids are nearly adults. And he doesn't ever use at home or near us. If he did we wouldn't still be here.

If there is a side to your dh that you can't be honest with your kids about, is that really ok? (I am guessing this isn't discussed openly) Just because they are nearly adults, doesn't mean they no longer need good role models... would you be ok with them knowing that you knowingly stay with someone who does this, and who lies? If they grew up to think this was acceptable in a relationship for themselves?

Blunty Unfortunately you knew when you got together with him he was a coke head which you justified as part of his industry which is bullshit.

He has continued to take coke whilst you have known him, he isn't going to stop, he hasn't changed from the man you got together with he is the same man who takes drugs.

You either leave him or not stop pretending he is going to change.

My husband is also suffering with a cocaine addiction. I say “suffering with” because it is indeed an illness. He was not a drug user at all - did not party, barely drank. His work was his life and he worked his way up the career ladder at a young age then found himself struggling to cope with the stress and pressure. Someone at work once offered him a line and that is how he found himself where he is now. The initial first use was a choice, of course, (a dreadful choice), but it did lead to an illness that has affected his life greatly for the last couple of years. He battles it every day and has made huge strides towards being clean. He has gone from daily use to slipping up once every couple of months when it has been offered to him. He hasn’t sought it out, and he has told me immediately when he’s done it. He sees a drug councillor weekly, and because it was also absolutely rife in his working environment, he quit his job and moved elsewhere - same industry but less drug use thankfully. I also test him frequently (in front of me).

You need to make the decision on what is right for you and what you’re willing to live with or live through. There are a lot of posters here who do not understand addiction or mental illness, and who are just telling you to get rid. I know first hand that it’s not as simple as that. When you love someone immensely and have built a life with them, it’s not just a simple decision to walk away and that’s that.

In all other ways, my husband is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. He is selfless, hard working, talented and brilliant. I love being with him and love the life we have built with our children. But he is also an addict and we work together on this every day so that he can be well again. Should, god forbid, either of my children ever suffer with a similar disease, the last thing I’d ever want is for their loved ones to “run” or “get rid” and I’d hope upon hope that they had a supportive network around them. I do believe addicts have a much better chance of getting well and staying clean if they have support around them.

I do however fully comprehend how difficult it can be staying with a loved one who is an addict and the impact it can have on your life. So if you have to leave for your own well-being or that of your children, then that is completely understandable - but it is also okay to stay. Only you can make that choice, OP. Sending lots of love your way.

It’s not the most minor of misdemeanours, but I do know a LOT of people (I don’t indulge, and never have) that do. Doing it before you were married and then occasionally being tempted is not grounds to end your marriage, unless you have other reasons.

What I mean by that is this place is full of rabid responses advising throwing lives (and children's lives) away for the most minor of misdemenours. Most entertaining but keep perspective!

How is leaving a lying, addict husband 'throwing lives away'?! You realise that people still have lives after leaving their partners, right? And in many cases probably better lives.

Its an ex addict talking to other ex addicts so it might well be what he needs to hear

Hard no on this.

NO one can do this except the drug-taker themselves. No one.

maybe say to him straight if you don't get help and prove your not using aka doing weekly drug tests were over, if he doesn't then no questions your done,

my ex had a gambling addiction and it hurt me that he lied to my face so easily ive been out that relationship a year now I did love him but best thing I did for sure cant trust people like that unfortunately

Utter rubbish. The OP has tried to help him - and it's not all about him, what about his children? Does this manchild (47, for heaven's sake, when will he grow up?) truly care about his kids - obviously not or he would seek professional help. And (a) what job requires you to take drugs - no job is the answer (b) why is it the OP's job to 'support' him when he's not helping himself and repeatedly telling lies?

Being a team? When he refuses to engage? You must be joking.

He is an addict. He cannot control his compulsion. When he doesn't do it, he is in in the arrested phase of the addiction. Only you can decide if you are prepared to put up with the relapses. Big hugs x

And this is helpful......how?

Do your DC and/or his know he takes drugs Op? I hope not because I'm sure his DC would be very hurt to know their DF put cocaine before them and if your DC know then he's lost any kind of right to tell them what they should and shouldn't do.
It wouldn't sit well with me but I'd rather not drug test someone, if you have to test then there's no trust and it warps your marriage, you want to be his wife, not his DM. It's occassional use so he may not be addicted, he may just really enjoy the stuff and find it hard to say no but at 47 he should have a bit more backbone, he can say it's circumstances but if he really didn't want to take it he'd say No. Men hate being seen as weak, as the one who won't take a risk, so it's an easy excuse to join in with the lads, after all it's only now and then, says he.
I don't wish to be unkind to you Op, you seem a good person and you shouldn't feel bad, this is his sin, not yours, and it has no reflection on your value in his life but I hope he's insured, cocaine is very hard on the heart and your DH is reaching the age where one more line may be one too many.

Jesus wept you have low standards

If that’s the only issue in your relationship I think it’s salvageable. I would set conditions- monthly drug tests, full access to all his bank accounts (so you can see big cash withdrawals) and he goes to therapy for the foreseeable.

Not all drug use is addiction. I learned that when I finally discovered drugs, in my 40s! Talking about "drugs" is like talking about "medicines" - there's a whole range of positive, neutral and negative effects, just as with any prescribed drug. The spectrum is as broad as, say, aspirin to chemotherapy.

That said, coke is one of those drugs that can be addictive and is favoured by delusional wankers.

I've known people who do it now and then for fun, and others who rely on it to make themselves feel "bigger".

Only you know where the balance lies.

Absolutely, apparently being a dirty drug addict, is a minor misdemeanor.

People forget a lot of these stabbings shootings etc are due to people buying drugs and feeding the industry.

You are a very judgemental person, who seems keen to break up a family. The quote you mention does not discuss a requirement to do drugs, though perhaps there is peer pressure to do so in his line of work.

The person in question has clearly been trying to address the fact that they enjoy occasionally taking drugs. That doesn’t even actually mean they are actually addicted. I am addicted to smoking, and even then I can occasionally smoke and give up for months at a time.

OP got together with their partner KNOWING THAT THEY OCCASIONALLY TOOK COCAINE.

To summarise, you don’t understand addiction, and you are incredibly judgemental.

I enjoy the effects of cocaine a lot. However, I have issues with it ethically. I'm probably also what you'd call prone to addiction and have a fondness for most (nearly all of them) drugs.

The only way I've found to guarantee not being tempted is to avoid being anywhere where I'm going to be offered them. This worked for me, but obviously it isn't going to be as easy for everyone.

What I never did, is lie about it to my partner. I can't see what that achieves.

He has to be honest with you and himself if he's going to turn this around.

Or it’s full of coke apologists who think it’s great fun 🙄.

IME you can’t win against addiction.
You didn't cause it, you can’t control it, you can’t cure it. Always remember that.
There’s lots of help for him when he wants it but in your position I’d leave or tell,him to move out.

For your own benefit, try not to see it as personal. His use/abstinence has got absolutely nothing to do with you, your lovability, your worth or your relationship with him. If you can detach from that aspect of it you might feel a bit clearer on it maybe. It's not a reflection on you, how much he loves you, or your marriage.

That being said, you have a choice to make. Only he can decide if he uses cocaine or not, there is nobody else at the helm. All you can do is state your position, which it sounds like you have done before, and it's his job to respond to it with his behaviour, not his words.

I have been in your position and it's one hell of a dilemma so I hear you. I'd be wanting to see a change of job if not career, because like you I know that there are several industries and organisations where it's seen as no different to a cup of coffee or a pint of lager. In addition, a full blown (no pun intended) daily sustained effort towards packing it in for good, and a thorough understanding that the next positive test/missed narcanon/therapists appointment/whatever else has been committed to would be the end of the line for your marriage without recourse.

Good luck, I feel for you, you're not the first that has been in this situation and you certainly won't be the last.

Well if you take him back once again he’s always going to know you will, so I’d either quit threatening to end things every time and accept this is who he is, or walk away. I’d strongly recommend the latter. Whatever you do, don’t believe he won’t ever use again. Yes he will. I mean he’s lost precious time with his children and it didn’t stop him, known his marriage might end and didn’t stop him. Nothing will. You’re worth more I’m sure

It seems clear that he didn't tell you because saying "I've fallen off the wagon and need help" would have to be followed by some commitment on his part to actually stop taking drugs. And he has no desire or intention to do that, other than at those times when he has no other option because you've rumbled him again.

Whether or not he's an addict, he is most definitely a habitual drug user and it's vanishingly unlikely he will change. I mean, if just being a father and the impact on his relationship with his kids isn't enough to make him see sense once and for all, nothing will be.

I would also have concerns about his impulse control more generally. If he can't resist the temptation of a line of coke, can he resist the temptation of a ONS for example when that presents itself on one of his nights out? Can he draw the line with the drugs before he starts racking up debt? He has proven himself completely untrustworthy and he's most definitely proven that he has no intention of stopping the coke. So it's up to you what you do with that knowledge.

I used to work in advertising/media, @mybonsai, and understand what you're saying about prevalent use. (The only reason I didn't do much coke was because it doesn't suit me - but I did end up with an alcohol problem.)

A few of my friends, colleagues, clients, etc developed serious cocaine addiction. The majority continued with social use, perhaps stepping it down after seeing the real risks. We're all around 60 now: as you say, it's rarely discussed but isn't a secret either. Apart from anything else, we've all got the experience to recognise coke's shiny-eyed enthusiasm and next-day irritability.

From what you've said, your husband's drug abuse isn't causing financial or functional problems in your everyday lives and is probably similar to my friends'. What is a problem, however, is the deep loss of trust it's caused. He knows how strongly you feel about it but still prioritises chatting drug-fuelled shit with his pals over keeping his promise to you. He's compartmentalised his life, keeping you excluded from this part.

Sadly, I agree that once trust is gone, the relationship is over. Each case is different; we all have our individual level of acceptable 'secrets'. Whether you can deal with this particular exclusion, or not, is personal to you. You should honour your own moral framework. Use a therapist if you find you're facing too many conflicts.

What you won't be able to do is stop him or control his choices away from home.

I want to stress that I'm NOT approving drug abuse! Cocaine leads to very bad decisions. It enables a viciously exploitative industry. What I am trying to do is face the reality that the UK's awash with the stuff and we all come into contact with it one way or another. That's a win for psychopathic drug lords, but one woman can't stop them by attempting to control her husband.