DH has lied to me and I feel devastated

[mybonsai]

DH and I have been together 6 years married for 2. When we first got together I knew that he took cocaine on the odd occasion. I don't like it, have never done it myself but I recognise that in the industry and circles he works and moves in it's rife.
A year into our relationship it emerged that his occasional use was in fact much more than that. It had huge ramifications at the time on the custody of his kids, (he seems them less as a result) and we split up for a while. He went to counselling and submitted to drug testing and for a year tests came back that he hadn't used at all. He promised me he wouldn't and hadn't. He recognised what he'd done, what he lost, what he stood to lose. I had no reason not to believe him and supported him through it, when we got back together.

Two years ago something felt off after he'd been out for a day with an ex colleague. He finally admitted he'd done a line. We had a huge row and I was very upset. We had just bought a house together and the timing was awful. He was again contrite, it was only one line etc etc, and he again did a drug test which bore this out. It took me a long time to trust him again. And it really bashed my self esteem. Something about me not being good enough for him to not have to use drugs for-it was not a good time. But we worked through it with alot of effort on my part. I don't want to have to monitor my other half and it has taken a lot for me to trust him again. We got married as planned and all has been great.

Until now. I found out on Boxing Day, after seeing something on his phone when I borrowed it, that he had again used cocaine. At first he told me it was just once. It took a week for him to admit it was a 'handful' of occasions.
I'm genuinely devastated. I feel angry yes. But mostly just very hurt, humiliated, inferior, not good enough, and stupid. I am anxious and can't stop crying. He again assures me that it's the last time. That he doesn't want to lose me or my family. That he will do the drugs tests etc etc. I don't know how I can ever trust him again. And I don't know how to shake how this has made me feel about myself. I don't trust my own judgment anymore. And I don't know how to make this work. We have five kids between us and other than this we have been/are so happy.

I don't think he is an addict per se. But he is clearly very selfish or lacks impulse control. And in which case it's not going to be any sort of life is it, always wondering.

He has to go away for work later this month and I don't know how I will get through that constantly worrying about what he is up to.
I don't even know what I'm asking really. Has anyone been through similar or can advise? At the moment I don't even want to get out of bed it's just bought me so low.

Sounds like an addict to me. Doubt he will change, I would be thinking of the money he is wasting and the relationship he is throwing away.

I have a Nil tolerance on any addiction with partners , drugs , alcohol, porn or gambling even gaming . Anything that will affect my children or be a bad influence means a automatic end to that relationship.
Your partner is a drug addict and you know it .

This is on him, nothing to do with you

I don't know if he's an addict. But he's using, and didn't want you to know

And, even if his colleagues / clients use cocaine, surely they would accept that some people choose not to? If I go to office drinks, it's understood that some people may stick with soft drinks. So, don't let him use that as an excuse

My kids are nearly adults. And he doesn't ever use at home or near us. If he did we wouldn't still be here.
He was clean for over a year after his initial problem came out. The court didn't exactly rule against him. We still have his children 45% of the time. It's more that his ex decided she wanted to move some distance away and he couldn't really argue against it-the court case became about his drug use rather than the logistics of the move. His ex wife was also shown to have used drugs recreationally at the least when they were married, so she is not much better really. ( they worked in the same industry and I guess it was just the norm).

Court were satisfied that he had the cocaine use under control and awarded the same time with them as he had before, but that the ex wife could move, and that has obvious ramifications for all our lives in terms of travel, costs, disruption to them of living in two houses some distance apart.

In many ways in terms of wake up call it would have been better if they hadn't. He tells himself it's still in doubt the extent that the drug use affected the outcomes. Either way it has made our life very difficult. He is a very involved Dad and he does love his kids and mine, and me I think. But he just can't resist the odd line now and again-he has done it on and off since uni and has never seen it as a big deal (until the period where he would admit it got out of hand). The problem for us is I see it as a big deal, particularly since everything that's happened as a result and more so because of the lies.

I hate being lied to. If he came home and said 'I've fallen off the wagon' and was honest about it, I would be upset, worried and annoyed, but I think ultimately supportive as far as possible if he were to go back to counselling etc. It's the lies that are making me feel like rubbish I suppose.

Out of curiosity OP, what is his job?
If he genuinely only does cocaine as part of his work-related socialising, could he get a job in a different field?

You knew he took cocaine.
He took cocaine.

He never really wanted to stop did he? You say you don’t like it but you justify his drug use as being part of his job! Really? He can’t do his job without it??

I'm not justifying it as part of his job and of course he can do it without it.
It's just that's solely where it happens and in that environment it's rife. He works in a creative industry. He couldn't easily leave, his role is quite rare and he's relatively well known in his field which might make it hard to move without a huge pay cut which we/he can't afford- but he has suggested it as a possibility. And yes I've raised to him how poor it might be reputationally on top of everything else-it's an open secret in his industry- a sort of everyone does it but if it were confirmed it would be curtains sort of situation.
I know it's probably the end and I need to come to terms with it. I love him very much rightly or wrongly and I love the life we had. It's very sad that he didn't value it quite as much.

He knew you hated drugs and took them anyway. You say it isn't addiction, without the 'excuse' of saying he's addicted that just means he didn't give a shit about the promise to you not to do it. He'll keep doing it every time he thinks he can get away with it. It's more important to him than you and your family.

Yes. I think you are probably right. I feel heartbroken tbh. What a waste of an otherwise lovely marriage.

Look at the timeline. You caught him before marriage, 2 years ago, then again recently. Does this not sound like an addict to you? Surely you can see this? Drugs will always follow you around as long as you are with him. At 44 do you really want to spend your life this way? It is humiliating, and I wouldn't want to be associated to anyone with a drug issue. I have zero tolerance.

In that field there must be plenty who are in recovery and never touch the stuff.

Its not his colleague or works fault. He is trying to normalise the use of coke in his industry.

I had a friend years ago who became a lawyer and in her first role in a law firm, the coke usage was rife.
The moment she normalised its use in conversation alone I took a step back. I hate it when people try to normalise its use. I haven't seen/spoken to her in a decade.

The thing you need to see is that his own children weren't important enough for him to give up having lines of coke. You came further along. You have no chance in hell of changing this man.

Cut. Your. Losses. And please don't allow your children to be in a household where one adult, nearly 50, thinks recreational cocaine use is acceptable.

Many moons ago I used to do coke recreationally - was part of the dance scene in the early 00s and haven't used it for many many years so I do have some insight into cocaine use. I think you, quite rightly, have your boundaries and this is one that you cannot tolerate and one he is not willing to forgo. He may not be an addict many people can take it and never use it again but for you he has crossed a line. It simply cannot work, in the same way if he had an affair - the mistrust is there and he holds coke in higher regard than you sadly.

I could have written this. This happened with my ex partner and father of my children who I loved dearly.

He always promised, always begged me to give him one more chance 'for the sake of our family'. I did. For years. However, I was constantly worrying, mistrusting and ultimately proved right in that he just could not stay away from it.

I left. I was heartbroken and for years after I didn't have another relationship because the thought of having to trust again was too much of an ask.

I'm now in a much better place but read your post and just wanted to tell you my story to hopefully save you from years of misery.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

I think you probably just need to leave this time OP. You’ve given enough chances that you’ve accidentally made yourself the doormat. It doesn’t really matter what you say now, he knows he just has to grovel, jump through your hoops and do the drug tests, then repeat.

It will be really difficult for him to kick the habit if he can’t avoid those environments. My BIL would never call himself an addict (and I suppose in the typical sense you think of someone needing the drug every day/to function he isn’t), but if he goes out drinking with his friends he will almost always get a bag of coke. They all do. It makes it hard for him not to because even if he resists getting a bag himself initially, he’s then around it all night and being offered it and he’ll almost always end up saying yes even if it’s just one line. HOWEVER BIL doesn’t go out often so he will regularly go 6 months without touching the stuff or being tempted, and then he will go out and once he’s had a drink with all of them they egg each other on and it makes it a difficult environment to say “no thanks”. It sounds like your partner is in a similar situation.

That's probably very like the situation yes @Mrsttcno1, except with the added fact that his cocaine use had such an adverse effect on our family with re the whereabouts of the children.

Listen to him. His actions are telling you that he will lie to your face and will continue take drugs. He has chosen drugs over you and his children. Now you need to make your choices. Stay with him and accept he is a drug user and criminal that will drag you down with him or end this relationship for your own MH and peace of mind.

I'm probably going to get fried for this - but some people can have relationships and be addicts. Think of all the functioning alcoholics out there who are decent parents / partners / employees.

The problem might not be the drugs but the lying and deception (which yes, I do know is par for the course with drug addiction).

People can change. If they want to.

Get him to sign up to this course. He doesn’t need to ‘want’ to give up to attend these sessions, they’re not based on people using their willpower. It’s a one-off course over a few hours. They are really effective & I know several people who have given up addictions after these courses.
https://www.allencarr.com/easyway-stop-taking-cocaine/

He's a druggie . Dump and move on. Make it that simple..

I mean, if he picked drugs over his kids in the past, I'm not surprised he's picked drugs over you.

Hope he gets clean and sorts himself out.

I'm sorry you're in turmoil over this - I unfortunately have history of being in a relationship with a drug user and as such took the eventual decision to end the relationship for several reasons, as was right at the time. It took a while though.

However - I also went through therapy, for several 'self improvement' reasons but this element came up (therapy was some time after the break up and not predominantly because of it).

The long and the short of it is that nobody has the right to impose or insist another person doesn't do something just because you/they don't like it. You can outline your own boundaries regarding what is acceptable to you, but if you don't action those boundaries then it becomes pointless, like an empty threat and subsequently looses all value, because you don't follow through. I know that sounds harsh.

It could be queried that if he is a functioning human being in terms of his general life responsibilities then this is an impulse/occasional bad choice situation rather than a more serious addiction, however if he's previously compromised the relationship with his kids it would suggest a bigger issue.

Why live with the constant worry of what he's doing and whether he can be trusted. Life is way too short for that level of stress. He's had multiple opportunities to sort it out, but instead continues to lie and deceive you because the consequences are perceived as negligible.

If you're serious about not tolerating his personal choices then you need to take the choice away, in the only way you have actual control over, which is the choice to remove yourself as an option for him.

He values the Coke more.

You've condoned it though-what incentive does he have to change?

I've far from condoned it. I've given him one two many chances perhaps. That's not the same thing.