DH has lied to me and I feel devastated

[mybonsai]

DH and I have been together 6 years married for 2. When we first got together I knew that he took cocaine on the odd occasion. I don't like it, have never done it myself but I recognise that in the industry and circles he works and moves in it's rife.
A year into our relationship it emerged that his occasional use was in fact much more than that. It had huge ramifications at the time on the custody of his kids, (he seems them less as a result) and we split up for a while. He went to counselling and submitted to drug testing and for a year tests came back that he hadn't used at all. He promised me he wouldn't and hadn't. He recognised what he'd done, what he lost, what he stood to lose. I had no reason not to believe him and supported him through it, when we got back together.

Two years ago something felt off after he'd been out for a day with an ex colleague. He finally admitted he'd done a line. We had a huge row and I was very upset. We had just bought a house together and the timing was awful. He was again contrite, it was only one line etc etc, and he again did a drug test which bore this out. It took me a long time to trust him again. And it really bashed my self esteem. Something about me not being good enough for him to not have to use drugs for-it was not a good time. But we worked through it with alot of effort on my part. I don't want to have to monitor my other half and it has taken a lot for me to trust him again. We got married as planned and all has been great.

Until now. I found out on Boxing Day, after seeing something on his phone when I borrowed it, that he had again used cocaine. At first he told me it was just once. It took a week for him to admit it was a 'handful' of occasions.
I'm genuinely devastated. I feel angry yes. But mostly just very hurt, humiliated, inferior, not good enough, and stupid. I am anxious and can't stop crying. He again assures me that it's the last time. That he doesn't want to lose me or my family. That he will do the drugs tests etc etc. I don't know how I can ever trust him again. And I don't know how to shake how this has made me feel about myself. I don't trust my own judgment anymore. And I don't know how to make this work. We have five kids between us and other than this we have been/are so happy.

I don't think he is an addict per se. But he is clearly very selfish or lacks impulse control. And in which case it's not going to be any sort of life is it, always wondering.

He has to go away for work later this month and I don't know how I will get through that constantly worrying about what he is up to.
I don't even know what I'm asking really. Has anyone been through similar or can advise? At the moment I don't even want to get out of bed it's just bought me so low.

Don't listen to this utter shit op. It's not your duty to contain your emotion to placate an addict - you are perfectly okay with feeling what you feel and letting him know that. Keeping your emotions in to "help' him helps no one in the long run - he needs to know your feelings in order to take into some sort of account what his drug use is doing to those who love and live with him. Suffocating your natural response isn't helpful - he;s not a child, he needs to know how much he is fucking everything up. I say this as an addict (alcohol) myself. No one can MAKE him quit, he has to decided himself, but he needs to know ALL factors, feelings of those around him and all.

Yes @butterbean67 that's exactly where my head goes. I was cheated on in my first marriage and it took me a long while to trust anyone again. That's my own issue which I have worked through but this has put me back to feeling that level of insecurity and mistrust again for sure.

She HAS helped him get back on the wagon. She is not responsible for his bad decisions. He's happy to sacrifice his marriage for the sake of a high. Why shouldn't she be talking about how this has affected her. FFS.

Sorry. No. Addicts first and foremost have to accept what they are. If they don’t do that no one amount of unconditional love and support will do anything. It’s time the OP put herself first - because he won’t - and plans a future free from addiction.

What a complete load of rubbish.

Talk about victim blaming, yeah OP his taking illegal drugs is obviously all your fault. He's risking addiction and death and it's not his fault for taking drugs it's your fault for not encouraging him enough. What absolute BS.

You knew he did cocaine when you got together. Now you're devastated he's doing cocaine. Men don't change. What you marry is what you get. If anything he will get worse. Sorry, OP.

You are in total denial about your own damaging behaviour. Get out and stop making apologies for him. He is an addict who cares nothing for his children and wife. Say this to yourself again and again, every morning, noon and evening, just keep repeating it until it sinks in.

I think OP that you have to accept he will do it however infrequently, and if that's a red line for you (understandable of course) then you have to end the marriage.

Otherwise despite all promises you will find yourself back in this position. Again. As you already have.

Hmmmmm

if he wouldn’t quit for his kids, it stands to reason he won’t quit for you. Coke is a higher priority than any of you.

it’s lucky none of the kids are shared kids.

probably you need rid
hes 47 and hasn’t grown up

I’m addicted to smoking. I gave up for 5 years (as in nothing at all) but I had an immensely challenging month and ended up smoking. Since then, for the past ten years I have been months off, week or two on, months off.

It’s an addiction. Decide if you are strong enough to cope with it, but don’t overly blame DH except for the initial choice to do it. But that was years and years before you met him. It’s part of who he is, and it seems he’s trying his level best to not do it.

Judge not lest ye be judged is my favourite line in the bible. Addicts don’t do it for fun, for the most part.

This ^

The issue is, he knows he can appear sorry. Appear to work quite hard at quitting put in some effort and things will go back to normal.

Then he can do it again. He can’t resist coke in certain situations. He knows his wife hates it and he knows he promises he would stop. But he doesn’t know you will leave. Because you haven’t.

You waited a year to see if he was clean, which I think was fairly sensible. You trusted that he really had stopped. You didn’t leave. Then he did it again. So through that chance you gave him back in your face. But you forgave him and married him anyway.

You have showed him you will make a fuss, but stay.

But he is an addict. You don’t have to do it all the time to be an addict.

What a crock of shit.

He would be out the door so fucking fast his feet wouldn't touch the floor.
Not a chance would I have anyone around my kids who took coke.
Jesus christ it's hard enough keeping teens on the straight and narrow and out of trouble and trying to instill in them how to stay safe, and you have it literally in your house??
I'd be getting rid of this scumbag immediately. The thought of him turns my stomach, I cannot imagine how you are not absolutely livid and packing his draggy ass out the door.
Nope nope nope. He's not good enough to be around the kids. Out he would go.

As an ex-ish smoker, he is most likely trying his best. All the moralising in the world by the other posters on MN won’t help with his addiction.

you should probably consider

1. Does he do coke when actually in charge of the kids? If not, there’s little actual risk to them.
2. if he is doing a lot less coke now than he used to, he is trying to mitigate his addiction, so don’t just “get rid”. He is still an addict, but he was before you met him. He is clearly trying.
3. Separate your finances, or keep a close eye on them.

You can’t support someone who isn’t determined to stay clean. He isn’t.

What matters most here is how his use of coke affects you. He's stealing your sense of safety, your trust and your peace of mind from you because you can never stop wondering and worrying whether he's done it again, whether he'll do it again. That is what substance misuse does in a relationship and the damage is immense. It's your decision whether or not you can continue to live like this.

Then there's the fact that by using coke, he's supporting international crime, exploitation and slavery.

I'd walk away. I walked away from an addict myself and my life is so much better without him in it.

You’re making a lot of excuses for him, OP.

He is a liar and a drug addict. Get yourself out of this marriage and this unhappiness that will follow you for the rest of your life.

Stop believing what he is saying and start believing what he is doing. After all, he is believing your actions rather than your words – you are telling him you won’t tolerate it, yet you do tolerate it, so he keeps on using because there are no consequences to his actions.

I'm not making excuses. I'm saying what's happened and when and why he says it has.
He hasn't had drugs in our house or around our kids-I'm as sure as I can be about that.

You do realise Mumsnet is not a great place for a rational response yes?

You have though-you began a relationship knowing he took cocaine then stayed & married him despite then knowing it was worse than you had thought.

I am out the other end now. Everyone told me to leave my DP when he had issues, but I didn’t and honestly have such a happy marriage since he stopped taking drugs. (We’re 6 years later now) I was heartbroken at the time. He sounded very like your DH in terms of not an addict as such but very impulsive and friends with the wrong type of people. I suffered the same as you too, not being good enough etc but honestly, it is not a reflection of your relationship or how he feels at all. Sending hugs xx

You are living my life, from 6 years ago. Three kids, 8 years together, but still the bottom line was always the coke. Not me, not the kids. Exh racked up 76k of debt on payday loans, credit cards, all sorts, all of which went straight up his nose. He lied and lied and lied some more. Remorseful, suicidal, promising never again over and over- all lies. Drug tests- cant tell you how many were negative. Don’t know how. We lost our house, kids and I in social housing after a long time in a refuge, I lost my job, confidence, mental and emotional health in tatters, no financial security and the effect on the kids has been even more devastating. Please get your ducks in a row, ring fence your financial situation, and realise that the addiction takes precedence over everything else, until everything else is gone. Look after yourself, you can’t look after your husband. It’s not you- don’t take it personally, don’t let it crush your self esteem, you have been just very unlucky. Take care. 💐

What I mean by that is this place is full of rabid responses advising throwing lives (and children's lives) away for the most minor of misdemenours. Most entertaining but keep perspective!