DH and I have been together 6 years married for 2. When we first got together I knew that he took cocaine on the odd occasion. I don't like it, have never done it myself but I recognise that in the industry and circles he works and moves in it's rife.
A year into our relationship it emerged that his occasional use was in fact much more than that. It had huge ramifications at the time on the custody of his kids, (he seems them less as a result) and we split up for a while. He went to counselling and submitted to drug testing and for a year tests came back that he hadn't used at all. He promised me he wouldn't and hadn't. He recognised what he'd done, what he lost, what he stood to lose. I had no reason not to believe him and supported him through it, when we got back together.
Two years ago something felt off after he'd been out for a day with an ex colleague. He finally admitted he'd done a line. We had a huge row and I was very upset. We had just bought a house together and the timing was awful. He was again contrite, it was only one line etc etc, and he again did a drug test which bore this out. It took me a long time to trust him again. And it really bashed my self esteem. Something about me not being good enough for him to not have to use drugs for-it was not a good time. But we worked through it with alot of effort on my part. I don't want to have to monitor my other half and it has taken a lot for me to trust him again. We got married as planned and all has been great.
Until now. I found out on Boxing Day, after seeing something on his phone when I borrowed it, that he had again used cocaine. At first he told me it was just once. It took a week for him to admit it was a 'handful' of occasions.
I'm genuinely devastated. I feel angry yes. But mostly just very hurt, humiliated, inferior, not good enough, and stupid. I am anxious and can't stop crying. He again assures me that it's the last time. That he doesn't want to lose me or my family. That he will do the drugs tests etc etc. I don't know how I can ever trust him again. And I don't know how to shake how this has made me feel about myself. I don't trust my own judgment anymore. And I don't know how to make this work. We have five kids between us and other than this we have been/are so happy.
I don't think he is an addict per se. But he is clearly very selfish or lacks impulse control. And in which case it's not going to be any sort of life is it, always wondering.
He has to go away for work later this month and I don't know how I will get through that constantly worrying about what he is up to.
I don't even know what I'm asking really. Has anyone been through similar or can advise? At the moment I don't even want to get out of bed it's just bought me so low.