Social services called to my home

[ea4843]

Looking for a little reassurance, please be kind.

I have a 2yr old daughter, my own business, a beautiful home, I'm educated and we have a lovely life. My 2yr old is the happiest, brightest child. We are so blessed.
I've been in a relationship for just over a year now with a chap I was friends with for a long time (we belong to the same friendship group) However, he isn't my daughters biological father.
In the middle of December it was a friend of mines birthday and we'd had a lot to drink - I mean, a lot! I was having a once in a blue moon night off from parenting and letting my hair down and having a ruddy good time! It was great. When I eventually made it back to our home I'd decided after being in the house for a short time, that I wanted to go back out again. My partner didn't agree. I think he'd probably thought I was too drunk and being silly and needed my bed.
To cut a long story short, the night ended with him dragging me up the stairs and for some reason (probably frustratrafion for the situation) pinned me on my bed and shouted in my face. It was in this moment that I scratched his chest. I remember feeling terrified and to be honest, quite triggered.
To my shame and embarrassment, my daughter was home when this had happened. He was babysitting while I was out. She had been sleeping and was, up until that point, undisturbed.
My next door neighbour had called the police and when they arrived I was absolutely intoxicated, triggered, obviously couldn't regulate my own emotions and was arrested - and rightly so! How ridiculous of me. I am mortified and ashamed, let that be known.
I was arrested on a domestic abuse charge. So my partner had, a few days later, filed a report to state what his actions had been and what it was that had lead to me scratch him in the first place. So he too, has now been charged with domestic assault.
I've never been arrested or in trouble with anyone before and I've certainly never been involved in a situation like this before.
Although my partner and I haven't really had any contact since this situation, we've both agreed not to press charges, but the police are pushing for them anyway.
I've received a letter today with a social services appointment to visit my home with my daughter in a few days and I'm absolutely terrified!
The police had advised me that due to the nature of the incident and the fact that my daughter was in our home when it had happened, that they would have to inform them.
As I've said, I've never been involved in anything like this before and I just don't know what to expect. We are not this type of family, we don't live this way. This is not a reflection of me as a parent or an adult. I'd had too much wine with my dinner and had reacted based on my partners inappropriate behaviour towards me.
And to be clear, this has never happened before. My partner does have BPD and that shouldn't be held against him. His reaction towards me was wildly inappropriate and he is now seeking help for this. Although that isn't my main concern for now and I'm not even sure I can go forward with the relationship after this, I'm just filling in some gaps.
I'm just unsure of what to expect with a social worker visit. It's worrying and I'm so embarrassed and utterly ashamed of myself by the whole escapade.

Any kind advice is welcome,
Thanks in advance.

That’s not necessarily the case. Circumstances are not good.Two intoxicated adults and DV the boyfriend dragged op up a flight of stairs. Police involved and they want to pursue charges. That’s a bit more than tick box and a nod.

Have we though? One too many? Maybe a decent number. Knock down fight with both adults charged with DV? No.

This must be a really stressful time for you. My understanding is that SS view a child witnessing a domestic assault as on par with a child being victim to a domestic assault.

I think you need to end your relationship and demonstrate that you are able to protect your child from harm. If you don't, SS May question your ability to protect your child from a known harm (I know it's only happened once, but that makes it more likely to happen again!)

Be open to any courses they might want you to take, or alcohol testing if necessary. You need to show that you are willing and able to protect your child and act in their best interests! Good luck x

Agreed.

Based on what you have said your daughter was placed at risk of emotional harm and potential physical harm being there while you two fought. The SW will have access to the police reports and likely speak to IO for the case. In my experience a child protection case conference would be held to discuss whether your child should go on the CP register. You will need to demonstrate how you plan to ensure this doesn't happen again. You are lucky you both weren't arrested at the same time or your daughter might have gone into emergency foster care.

In my opinion, you should not be with your partner, you say you were terrified of him, imagine how your little girl felt. You need to take responsibility and put her first now

No we have not all been there. My only goal in life is to raise my children to not have to spend their adult life recovering from their childhood. I am and will break the cycle.

No, we haven't.

Unless OP comes back with more info, we don't know that she's in denial or not. But the tone of your post is victim blaming. OP didn't know her partner would do something abusive. She has said he has now left the house, which shows she made the right call after that happened.

@Stepbystepfan
So how many times have you been arrested and charged with DV then?

Wow, there’s a lot of very judgemental people on here. 😳

I am afraid that this is true.

Putting in the language of "that" kind of family may help you see just how SS will see this.

The fact that you have a "beautiful home" and have money means nothing. You got absolutely fucking battered and had a physical fight with your boyfriend that your infant child witnessed.

Neither of you did well out of this, but I have to say that I am afraid that you, as the parent of the child that was present, have more responsibility in this situation given that it seems to be 50/50 blame.

I too would like to hear your boyfriends version of this because I very much doubt that you came home, said "Hi! just checking in you two before I pop back down to the pub" very calmly and he simply dragged you upstairs and attacked you. There is obviously more to this than you want to admit. You dont get charged with assault for scratching someone in self defence. Or if he was charged aswell then they would have dropped the charges against you if it was seen to be SD, and they havent.....

There's also a lot of minimisers trying to steal OP's rock bottom.

Absolutely I will always judge adults who damage children in this way.

As a long term victim of DV, I still do not think that holding the OP to the same standards as a male coming in pissed from the pub is "victim blaming". I would suggest that as they have both been charged and no charges against the OP have been dropped, it rather buggers up her case as "Victim".

I don’t agree with making someone feel worse and kicking them when they are down.
Also this shouldn’t be a place to share how you are a better person because you have coped itch x, y and z. Stop that.

OP is clearly remorseful and worried. I think her wording put a lot of peoples backs out - and of course I agree, DV happens in all walks of life.

Someone said “well looks like op won’t be back” - why would she with this pile on.

I was happy to read the message from
the social worker.
I hope she reads your reply.

It's not a 50/50 blame, even if social services or the police see it that way, which they might not. He attacked her. She didn't know he would do that. Being drunk is not a crime. Being drunk in the same house as your children is not a crime, when another responsible adult is present. Being drunk and disorderly is a crime I believe, but it only escalated into that because OP was attacked. The main thing she is downplaying is that part. Partner is now gone.

Good luck OP.

This. You don't sound mortified or contrite; you sound like you think that there should be a loophole or cheat code to get out of dealing with social services for you... not because you realise the consequences of your actions but because you were drunk on a 'naice' Barolo rather than value gin. Sadly, this is all just window dressing OP: doesn't matter how many degrees you've got or whether your carpets are 100% wool or whatever... you were as pissed and violent/dysfunctional as you would have been if you'd been drinking that Happy Shopper gin. Own it. You say you're not "those" kind of people, but you are. That's just the truth. Until you really get to grips with that you can't be helped (with all that that inability to be helped involves for your daughter).

Where's your daughter's dad? Does he see her, does he know about all of this? Because I'd be expecting SS to ask. And if he doesn't see her or doesn't know about what's happened, they're going to want more information as that will ring alarm bells.

Also, not to try and shame you here as life is complicated (as you well know) but if your daughter is two, then at most (if she's say two about to have her third birthday) you were presumably in a serious relationship and living with someone else just four years ago (or as little as three years ago if she's just two). In that time you've split up with your baby's father and moved another man in, who is now so enmeshed that he's responsible for her while you're out/off your face/hungover. I'd suggest that SS may have some questions regarding how quickly this new relationship became serious, especially as he has mental health issues. I work in an area with vulnerable kids, often from families where mental health issues are a factor and SS and school safeguarding always ask about mental health and what medications are being taken etc.

I'm also really uncomfortable with you still referring to the boyfriend as your partner. That's all kinds of worrying. He should be out of the picture for good now, for the sake of your little girl. She's the important thing here and that's what SS will want to see demonstrated. Referring to him as your partner with the future that implies doesn't demonstrate that.

Good luck and I hope that you get the help that you need, for your daughter's sake.

Wtaf.
No we have not.
Ever. Not once.

No we haven't all "been there". This behaviour isn't the norm in the slightest.

Social services will just want to do a check list that's all. I advise you get some help for your behaviour too and lay off the alcohol completely if that's how you behave. Social services won't take your child though.

Ummm no we haven't, never been arrested for DV against a partner while drunk?

You messed up op, and you need to be honest with SS about that - what happened and why. None of this "we're not that type of family" crap. Own the mistake and commit to ensuring it never happens again for the sake of your DD.

We all fuck up. It's what you do next that will really matter now.

I think if op hadn’t given her background and said they’re not type of family this would have been a different thread. Too many people trying to put her in her place.

The replies on this thread are appalling. DV violence in never the victim's fault. Being drunk does not justify physical assault and it is no wonder OP lashed out.

If you haven't been there, it doesn't make you better. It only makes you less qualified to give advice, especially with so much judgement.

?

And very naive if they think this is going away.

But op isn't the victim

@Firefly2009
The police arrested the op and charged her with DV.
They were there. You were not.
Her partner was subsequently also charged with DV when he gave a statement.