Social services called to my home

[ea4843]

Looking for a little reassurance, please be kind.

I have a 2yr old daughter, my own business, a beautiful home, I'm educated and we have a lovely life. My 2yr old is the happiest, brightest child. We are so blessed.
I've been in a relationship for just over a year now with a chap I was friends with for a long time (we belong to the same friendship group) However, he isn't my daughters biological father.
In the middle of December it was a friend of mines birthday and we'd had a lot to drink - I mean, a lot! I was having a once in a blue moon night off from parenting and letting my hair down and having a ruddy good time! It was great. When I eventually made it back to our home I'd decided after being in the house for a short time, that I wanted to go back out again. My partner didn't agree. I think he'd probably thought I was too drunk and being silly and needed my bed.
To cut a long story short, the night ended with him dragging me up the stairs and for some reason (probably frustratrafion for the situation) pinned me on my bed and shouted in my face. It was in this moment that I scratched his chest. I remember feeling terrified and to be honest, quite triggered.
To my shame and embarrassment, my daughter was home when this had happened. He was babysitting while I was out. She had been sleeping and was, up until that point, undisturbed.
My next door neighbour had called the police and when they arrived I was absolutely intoxicated, triggered, obviously couldn't regulate my own emotions and was arrested - and rightly so! How ridiculous of me. I am mortified and ashamed, let that be known.
I was arrested on a domestic abuse charge. So my partner had, a few days later, filed a report to state what his actions had been and what it was that had lead to me scratch him in the first place. So he too, has now been charged with domestic assault.
I've never been arrested or in trouble with anyone before and I've certainly never been involved in a situation like this before.
Although my partner and I haven't really had any contact since this situation, we've both agreed not to press charges, but the police are pushing for them anyway.
I've received a letter today with a social services appointment to visit my home with my daughter in a few days and I'm absolutely terrified!
The police had advised me that due to the nature of the incident and the fact that my daughter was in our home when it had happened, that they would have to inform them.
As I've said, I've never been involved in anything like this before and I just don't know what to expect. We are not this type of family, we don't live this way. This is not a reflection of me as a parent or an adult. I'd had too much wine with my dinner and had reacted based on my partners inappropriate behaviour towards me.
And to be clear, this has never happened before. My partner does have BPD and that shouldn't be held against him. His reaction towards me was wildly inappropriate and he is now seeking help for this. Although that isn't my main concern for now and I'm not even sure I can go forward with the relationship after this, I'm just filling in some gaps.
I'm just unsure of what to expect with a social worker visit. It's worrying and I'm so embarrassed and utterly ashamed of myself by the whole escapade.

Any kind advice is welcome,
Thanks in advance.

We’re not in America it’s not up to members of the public to “press charges” the CPS decide that.

If anyone with kids gets arrested it's standard for s.s to be contacted

It doesn't look like OP will be back. Which doesn't honestly bode well for an honest, open, real conversation with SS. Recovery and growth involve feeling a bit judged and crap and working to mend the causes, not the feelings afterwards.

OP, I know this is a hard read. But it would be useful if you actually engaged with it. Fluffy 'aww mama u r trying <3' type answers feel better but aren't going to move you towards a resolution. Hard reality might.

CPS press charges as it's in the public interest.

I think SS will offer you advice (I think, there is of course every chance it could go further than that, if they deem it necessary). And you should very much listen and take their advice on board, because in spite of the level of violence between you and your partner (loud enough for a neighbour to hear and call police!) you've not mentioned once in this post that your primary concern is how terrifying it must've been for your daughter to hear/witness!

@HaileyBailey nobody is saying they do? The op hasn't even said that. She's clearly distressed and very remorseful about her behaviour. Yet you have come steaming in offering absolutely no constructive advice, basically telling her what a shit person she is. And how you coped with similar circumstances so much better. Oh and let's not forget a 'your poor poor daughter' for even more dramatic effect.

Sorry but I can empathise with someone who has made a one off, bad mistake while under pressure and the influence of alcohol. Providing that they learn from their mistake and don't repeat it.

What I can't understand are people who appear to get some sort of fulfilment from making people feel worse when they are clearly already very down. You should ask yourself the true motives behind your post and what that says about you.

It's def child protection not CIN

I had a friend stay here for three months in the summer with my 2 and then just turned 3YO DD. I've known him 20 years and at no point did I consider going out on an evening and getting him to babysit. It just didn't feel right in my gut to leave a man alone in my home with my DD, despite how long I'd known him.

You need to hold your hands up to SS and be honest. But I think also reconsider what is and isn't OK around your DD, and who is responsible for her.

Very well said completely agree

I don't know whether it is the way it is written but your post does not quite ring true, and i wonder if there is more to this than you are saying. It all sounds very extreme for a one off situation, and it is unusual for the police to be charge both parties. You need to cooperate fully with SS, be honest and explain how you will protect your DD from such horrors in future.

I think you’ll need to reassure social services that this was a one off and will never be repeated. I’d suggest not drinking at all for a while, possibly not ever again. I also agree that you shouldn’t leave your former partner to babysit again.

And I am not saying this to be mean but this type of incident, both the drinking and the violence I’d not normal at all, new mum or no, and if your daughter had witnessed it she would have been terrified.

It could be the use of the word 'chap' seems consistent in long threads

Are you a friend of the OP or have you done similar yourself? You seem so triggered by my response.

Thank you for writing what I was thinking.

@ea4843 --How did you get to the place where you had dinner and drinks? How did you get home? What mode of transportation were you planning to use when you went out again?

Is any of the above the reason your (hopefully) ex-P acted as he did?

Many of the comments you're receiving are not exactly helpful. What did your neighbour report to the police when she called them? That's important because she may not know the reality of what happened but as the person who called the police, her imput would be important and probably included in the information passed on to SS. You should probably mention to SS that your grieving the recent loss of your father and you drank too much as a result but that you're going to seek professional support for your grief etc.

They will likely be wanting to do an initial assessment to determine the level of risk to your child and whether there is a need for a safeguarding plan (Child in Need or Child Protection). They will want to seek your child's views where possible. I would seriously be looking at your relationship with alcohol and how you are actively going to address this and any support you can access (and meaningfully follow through with this). I would also be very clear about having nothing to do with your abusive 'partner' and not minimising his and your own behaviour - allowing him in your life ultimately is a failure to protect your child from a dangerous individual. And look at how you can empower yourself to avoid such relationships in future (Freedom programme etc). Look at the differences in the plan types (pretty much - Child in Need with parental consent so you could say you don't want any involvement but would urge caution, CP you cannot) but I would urge you to take support and engage (and if you say you will do it, do it) if this is what is felt necessary and jump through any hoops.

@HaileyBailey yes I'm the friend of a random stranger online...🙈

I'm not triggered but I find it shameful to be honest and I wonder what you're hoping to achieve from it.

I was a social worker & when I was called out on a case like this it would be to get a view of the child's life, so emphasis on social life, nursery, wider family, why this events happened.
You mentioned that your dad had passed away recently, this might be relevant to why you were looking to get plastered if you don't usually do this. You know your situation, plus, why won't it happen again? What are you thinking now about what happened & why etc.
We all make mistakes as parents but I think it's totally ok to say you were both wrong that night, your child was probably frightened & you should now be thinking about avoiding that situation in the future, your child deserves to feel safe in the home.

You say you had a few drinks, dp in frustration pinned you and shouted in your face and you scratched his chest. That’s what, a few minutes after coming home? That’s nowhere near enough for neighbours to call the police never mind being arrested!
There is a hell of a lot more than you’re saying.

Hmmmm you seem angry …

You sound like you were too drunk to even remember what happened

Your poor daughter, must of been terrified imagine being woken up to that at 2 years old. Instead of spending your time trying to convince strangers online what type of person you are maybe spend it comforting and reassuring your child. She is the only one that matters here. Considering your partner has bpd I assume you are aware of the struggles he has in life, I also assume you realise the majority of adults diagnosed with bpd develop it due to childhood trauma and abuse. Yet you don't seem to understand/care that this could quite easily be your daughters future unless big changes are made in your life.

Please don’t worry. We all have been there! It was a one off. Don’t be so harsh on yourself. As long as this doesn’t happen again then there’s no need to worry.

Genuinely think you’ll be ok. How horrible for you, you just be sick to your stomach but I honestly think in 6 months time you’ll feel like yourself again. Sending hugs because I can sense the fear in your post and I really feel for you. I know of a friend of a friend who was in a similar position and it was ok, you’ll be ok xxx

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