Social services called to my home

[ea4843]

Looking for a little reassurance, please be kind.

I have a 2yr old daughter, my own business, a beautiful home, I'm educated and we have a lovely life. My 2yr old is the happiest, brightest child. We are so blessed.
I've been in a relationship for just over a year now with a chap I was friends with for a long time (we belong to the same friendship group) However, he isn't my daughters biological father.
In the middle of December it was a friend of mines birthday and we'd had a lot to drink - I mean, a lot! I was having a once in a blue moon night off from parenting and letting my hair down and having a ruddy good time! It was great. When I eventually made it back to our home I'd decided after being in the house for a short time, that I wanted to go back out again. My partner didn't agree. I think he'd probably thought I was too drunk and being silly and needed my bed.
To cut a long story short, the night ended with him dragging me up the stairs and for some reason (probably frustratrafion for the situation) pinned me on my bed and shouted in my face. It was in this moment that I scratched his chest. I remember feeling terrified and to be honest, quite triggered.
To my shame and embarrassment, my daughter was home when this had happened. He was babysitting while I was out. She had been sleeping and was, up until that point, undisturbed.
My next door neighbour had called the police and when they arrived I was absolutely intoxicated, triggered, obviously couldn't regulate my own emotions and was arrested - and rightly so! How ridiculous of me. I am mortified and ashamed, let that be known.
I was arrested on a domestic abuse charge. So my partner had, a few days later, filed a report to state what his actions had been and what it was that had lead to me scratch him in the first place. So he too, has now been charged with domestic assault.
I've never been arrested or in trouble with anyone before and I've certainly never been involved in a situation like this before.
Although my partner and I haven't really had any contact since this situation, we've both agreed not to press charges, but the police are pushing for them anyway.
I've received a letter today with a social services appointment to visit my home with my daughter in a few days and I'm absolutely terrified!
The police had advised me that due to the nature of the incident and the fact that my daughter was in our home when it had happened, that they would have to inform them.
As I've said, I've never been involved in anything like this before and I just don't know what to expect. We are not this type of family, we don't live this way. This is not a reflection of me as a parent or an adult. I'd had too much wine with my dinner and had reacted based on my partners inappropriate behaviour towards me.
And to be clear, this has never happened before. My partner does have BPD and that shouldn't be held against him. His reaction towards me was wildly inappropriate and he is now seeking help for this. Although that isn't my main concern for now and I'm not even sure I can go forward with the relationship after this, I'm just filling in some gaps.
I'm just unsure of what to expect with a social worker visit. It's worrying and I'm so embarrassed and utterly ashamed of myself by the whole escapade.

Any kind advice is welcome,
Thanks in advance.

I'm really not sure why you are getting such harsh responses. It appears that you are being open, honest and complete.

Getting absolutely hammered out of the blue with friends on a night out when your tolerance has dropped happens. Happened to most people on here I'm sure. It's happened to me. Feeling like you are immortal and wanting to party on is part and parcel of it. I can remember new year's eve (personally) but progressively less as the night went on and the alcohol came in and got absorbed. Some bits I have heard since I do not recall and judging by the time it took me to walk home on my phone I was completely out of it. That's by the by, nothing adverse happened this time.

Had you got home, made a racket, thrown up, pissed the bed and got up massively hungover then this would have been absolute normality. Instead things have unfortunately kicked off (provoked or unprovoked fairly or unfairly) between you and your partner, there's been a response then a bust up and then similar has happened between you and the police, who have had to deal with you in the manner they have had to deal with on a weekly basis with others.

It's just a gigantic disastrous snowball. Sounds like everyone is remorseful and feeling bad about it and now you have to go through the official process that follows this. You have my sympathy and hopefully you can work it all out and avoid it happening again and hopefully nothing too bad will come of it. Good luck.

Am I getting old? I can understand SS asking questions, but police insisting that you both press charges… and the heavy-handed condemnation on this thread... Is this how things work nowadays? Terrifying.

OP, I think you got some MN posters’ backs up by (presumably defensively) mentioning the nice things about your life, as though that makes you immune to judgement. Ah, what delight they are taking in proving you wrong!

I hope you’ve learned some valuable lessons here, and can find a positive way forward without needing to rely on further intervention from various authorities following guidelines.

Had you got home, made a racket, thrown up, pissed the bed and got up massively hungover then this would have been absolute normality

How is this normality? Especially with a child in the house.

Had you got home, made a racket, thrown up, pissed the bed and got up massively hungover then this would have been absolute normality.

What the actual hell?

Because no aggro involved and one sober adult present?

Or are adults not allowed to do anything naughty in case it disturbs their sleeping child?

It is absolutely the normality of the situation of being absolutely hammered. Not normality of behaviour in general. I'd suggest you read the sentence in the context and nature of the overall comment.

If what you’ve said is accurate then I think you can stop panicking. While what happened isn't ideal it also doesn’t mean it’s as horrendous as some on here are trying to make out. The way you worded your lifestyle could have sounded snobby but I think you were trying to explain that chaos is not a normal part of how you live. If you genuinely don’t tend to drink but had a “once in a blue moon blow out “ then I think people saying go to AA is frankly a tad ridiculous. Social Workers will try to deal with this with the minimum of fuss, their only concern is your child’s wellbeing, be honest with them and I’m sure it will be fine. Regards the police, you may very well find that charges are dropped going forward but if not from what you’ve described although unpleasant you hardly launched a murderous attack! Forgive yourself, mistakes happen and just make sure it doesn’t happen again. Regarding your partner, you are the only one who knows what really happened and you can make your decision accordingly, those however saying you shouldn’t leave your child with someone you have only known 10 years are being downright ridiculous! It might help to seek support from real friends rather than allow yourself to be annihilated on here. Good luck, I hope everything works out for you and your child.

You got too drunk on a rare child free night. That’s not ideal, but it’s not the crime of the century.

I can’t work out why you are being charged with DV though. It sounds like you acted entirely in self defence?

Tell social services what happened and reassure them that you won’t let your ex partner anywhere near your child again. I understand that you are sympathetic to his mental health issues, but you can’t have someone who has acted violently towards you anywhere near your toddler.

Other than she was arrested and then got the person she assaulted to effectively say he deserved it.

Because of the superiority complex.

Well police turned up. Op was drunk, couldn’t ‘regulate her emotions’ (I assume she means kicking off) and he was sober and injured. We have no idea to what extent her emotions couldn’t be regulated emotions couldn’t be regulated.

Her partner didn’t go to the police for a few days to say what he had done that led to him being injured. However, it’s not uncommon for victims of DV to claim they started it to stop legal action against their partner. It’s likely police are still investigating and CPS will eventually make a decision.

Also had they arrested him, if he had told them he attacked her first, they wouldn’t have left the child with Op. which could have ended up far worse for Op and the child.

But if he assaulted her, then watched her get taken away then went inside and comforted and cared for her child and took days to admit what he did, that makes him really sadistic.

and since this happen mid December I can’t believe she is still contemplating continuing the relationship.

@ea4843 first of all you should apologise to your neighbours for the disturbance. When social services contact you, be honest with them and cooperate fully with them. Definitely don’t tell them you needed a night off from parenting but admit you made some serious errors of judgement which will never happen again.

Generally, I think you need to stay apart from your DP and remain single for several years. Don’t move anyone else into your home until your DC has grown up. Most important of all, don’t ever drink again (even if it’s a nice meal or a celebration etc) as you NEVER want to have a repeat of this incident.

Yes we all make mistakes that is true, but sounds like you could do with knocking booze on its head and getting rid of the boyfriend, sounds very toxic, both getting arrested is not normal behaviour. Start putting your child 1st priority. As for SS no idea what they will do, would imagine they would want the child to stay with her mother and assist you with help you need.

This with bells on.

I‘d suggest a voluntary parenting course (or go let’s a man they’ve just known for a year babysit their (2 yo) child?!! I’d also suggest attending a course to deal with your relationship with alcohol just to alleviate any doubt SS might have.

I completely understand that what your partner did triggered you but you had a child in the house with you and it will be a further mark against you that it was a neighbour who rang the police - you didn’t seek help yourself. Can I also suggest some care around your child who must have been woken up and missed their mum when you were arrested. How traumatic for her.

You poor thing. That escalated quickly. Anyone can make a mistake and and alcohol doesn't help. Tell the truth. Explain. And explain that you've learnt your lesson and it will never happen again. And make sure it doesn't.

Toastcrumbsinsofa

im sorry but you can’t censoriously tell people that they need to abstain from alcohol for the rest of their life and sex for over half a decade

life is hard and complex
we all make mistakes and fuck up
myself many times

but people drink sometimes and people fuck

i agree this is a wake up call for the op

but we can’t tell people that the only solution is total abstinence !!!

Massive over reaction from some people on here, incident was unpleasant and unfortunate but if it was a total one off , highly doubt irreparable damage has been done to the child!

You should not minimise your own behaviour that resulted in all this drama. It is impossible to reason with a very drunk person, it sounds like your DP was genuinely concerned about you and desperate to stop you going out again and behaving worse or getting into difficulty (through being drunk and vulnerable). Sometimes the only way to stop or get through to a very drunk person is to physically restrain them, and while unpleasant it probably seemed to your DP like the only course of action open to him to stop you. The responsibility for this whole situation lies with you and you need to accept that and learn from it.

Op has been assaulted that’s not simply ‘unpleasant’ - by a man with a personality disorder which could have had serious consequences to both op and her baby.

The baby was left with him all evening unsupervised. I think you might be minimising my friend.

Was he violently assaulting you or just trying to stop you getting back out the door again because you were so drunk and incapable that you would have come to harm if he hadn't tried to stop you?

And I think you are deliberately blowing this up. She has been friends with him for 10 years and shares a friendship group, obviously no concerns in that time.
Man did not harm child, lady has learned her lesson and authorities are aware. People
make mistakes and as we weren’t there we don’t know exactly what happened. If lady was so drunk she got arrested then I really don’t think we can rely on her recollections. Anyone my point is, anything could have happened, it didn’t, mistakes were made, lessons learnt! Annihilating a distraught woman who was looking for support is disgusting behaviour! Oh and I wasn’t aware that personality disorders = domestic abuser, how judgmental.

Had you got home, made a racket, thrown up, pissed the bed and got up massively hungover then this would have been absolute normality

Every now and then MN gives you a glimpse in to how some people live and it is not pretty.

That is an excellent point. OP getting slated on here for being so drunk but people also taking her words as gospel, how does that work ? She was intoxicated and could easily have misconstrued what was happening. Maybe just maybe nobody was abusing anyone, is it impossible that he was actually trying to keep her from harm, was he possibly trying to get her out of sight of the child? Could her recollection of being dragged up the stairs possibly be him trying to stop her falling down them 🤷‍♀️ none of us can possibly know but can’t slate her for being so drunk and believe her recollection completely at the same time! As for the police, if you think this doesn’t happen regularly then you’re wrong, they err on the side of caution and in a large amount of cases once investigated charges are dropped.

Indeed, that is a point that will be explored by SW. His behaviours and responses when sole charge of a child. How does he regulate and maintain appropriate behaviour when watching a child. His behaviour to the op was appalling. A really shocking & violent act to drag an adult up a set of stair and then assault her

Unless the front door is accessed by a flight of stairs he was assaulting her. She reports have was dragged up a flight of stairs and then pinned down. That is not a tussle to get someone through a door in order to minimise further harm.