Social services called to my home

[ea4843]

Looking for a little reassurance, please be kind.

I have a 2yr old daughter, my own business, a beautiful home, I'm educated and we have a lovely life. My 2yr old is the happiest, brightest child. We are so blessed.
I've been in a relationship for just over a year now with a chap I was friends with for a long time (we belong to the same friendship group) However, he isn't my daughters biological father.
In the middle of December it was a friend of mines birthday and we'd had a lot to drink - I mean, a lot! I was having a once in a blue moon night off from parenting and letting my hair down and having a ruddy good time! It was great. When I eventually made it back to our home I'd decided after being in the house for a short time, that I wanted to go back out again. My partner didn't agree. I think he'd probably thought I was too drunk and being silly and needed my bed.
To cut a long story short, the night ended with him dragging me up the stairs and for some reason (probably frustratrafion for the situation) pinned me on my bed and shouted in my face. It was in this moment that I scratched his chest. I remember feeling terrified and to be honest, quite triggered.
To my shame and embarrassment, my daughter was home when this had happened. He was babysitting while I was out. She had been sleeping and was, up until that point, undisturbed.
My next door neighbour had called the police and when they arrived I was absolutely intoxicated, triggered, obviously couldn't regulate my own emotions and was arrested - and rightly so! How ridiculous of me. I am mortified and ashamed, let that be known.
I was arrested on a domestic abuse charge. So my partner had, a few days later, filed a report to state what his actions had been and what it was that had lead to me scratch him in the first place. So he too, has now been charged with domestic assault.
I've never been arrested or in trouble with anyone before and I've certainly never been involved in a situation like this before.
Although my partner and I haven't really had any contact since this situation, we've both agreed not to press charges, but the police are pushing for them anyway.
I've received a letter today with a social services appointment to visit my home with my daughter in a few days and I'm absolutely terrified!
The police had advised me that due to the nature of the incident and the fact that my daughter was in our home when it had happened, that they would have to inform them.
As I've said, I've never been involved in anything like this before and I just don't know what to expect. We are not this type of family, we don't live this way. This is not a reflection of me as a parent or an adult. I'd had too much wine with my dinner and had reacted based on my partners inappropriate behaviour towards me.
And to be clear, this has never happened before. My partner does have BPD and that shouldn't be held against him. His reaction towards me was wildly inappropriate and he is now seeking help for this. Although that isn't my main concern for now and I'm not even sure I can go forward with the relationship after this, I'm just filling in some gaps.
I'm just unsure of what to expect with a social worker visit. It's worrying and I'm so embarrassed and utterly ashamed of myself by the whole escapade.

Any kind advice is welcome,
Thanks in advance.

You keep saying "we are not that kind of family" and "our lives aren't like this" but, here's what SS know:

• you're a single mum to a small child
• you were blind drunk
• you left your 2 year old with an unrelated man you've been in a short relationship with (in order to become blind drunk)
• this man became violent towards you whilst you were intoxicated *and he was sober*
• you are *both* up on domestic assault charges

You can talk about your education, the fact it was decent wine and how beautiful your home is all you want. But those are the facts of how social services became involved.

Just accept that they're involved, that there was a series of bad decisions made that night, stop being "mortified and embarrassed" and be remorseful and take ownership of your actions and the situation. Do right by your daughter.

If you keep saying "we're not like this" you just come across as thinking you're above the involvement of SS and they will pick up on that and think there's more background.

Giving people the benefit of the doubt has led to serious lapses in child protection over the years. We all know the cases of children falling through the cracks.

OP is minimising her role in this. She needs to own up to her behaviour, leave this man, and work with SS to change.

Social services won't want you to say you accept your poor judgement while trying to defend it.

They'll just want you to say that you were wrong and to tell them what you have changed in order to ensure this won't happen again.
They'll want to know you understand the risks you took.
They won't see your history as a reason to be sympathetic, they'll assess it to see if it increases your child's vulnerability.

Have you just joined?

You have taken a bit of a pasting on this thread OP, but as harsh as the responses sound, posters are trying to give you a dose of reality and even by your version of what happened (bearing in mind you were incredibly drunk by your own admission), this was enough for a) your neighbours to be concerned enough to call the police b) the police to arrest you and c) social services to be informed and on the basis of what they were told, need to visot to further risk assess.

This is a system that is, for once, seeming to be working.

I agree with previous posters that leaving your 2 year old daughter in the care of a partner of only a year (regardless if you knew him at uni) with BPD (we don't know how stable this is of course, but you allude to "his issues"-was very very poor judgement at best; and this has been evidenced by what then unfolded when you got home.

"Everyone deserves a night off being a parent"-well, yes-but unfortunately, as a parent sometimes you cannot get a night off because you have no one appropriate, trusted and safe enough to step in to your role to do this. So you choose your child's welfare over the need to go out. Basic parenting.

"Not that kind of family". If only someone had recognised that my "not that kind of family" were exactly "that kind of family".

Look we all make mistakes. And no amount of bashing on here will undo what has already happened. But strongly recommend you engage with social services, identify where you have gone wrong and what you will do to stop it ever happening again. Getting defensive or trying to minimise/justify what happened will make the perceived risk to your child higher.

I think this might be the issue.

Many posters don’t think she does really understand how bad it is.

The ‘parents are allowed a night off’ defence, the ‘I have known him 10 years’ so it’s ok to move him in so fast and still doesn’t see the issue with leaving her child with him. The fact that she still calls him her partner after, he assaulted her (and she hints he admitted to police he actually assaulted her) and didn’t tell them that as they arrested her. The whole ‘I am well educated and have a nice home’ as some sort of explanation as to why this won’t happen again. The fact that she hasn’t explained exactly why she was arrested and it wasn’t for being assaulted. The worry mainly coming from SS being involved. Not the fact that she is facing charges of DV. The fact that she decided she wouldn’t support the prosecution.

All this suggests she doesn’t really understand how awful it is. She is still with him. He might not be in the house. But he is still her partner.

They have been together only a year and Op is positive it won’t happen again because ‘this isn’t us’ and year is no time at all. She has no idea if this is how he is in a relationship. and once should be enough to end it. Not ‘well it happened once, I don’t think this will happen again. But let continue and see’

Her partner (according to her and him and the plice) assaulted her. How on earth can she be sure this isn’t what life is like with him? She may not have acted like this before. So is it a case of actually she is responsible? Or is she burying her head like lots of women do. Which may lead to longer SS involvement.

I get that to some it comes across that she does get it. But to some of us, it reads like she really doesn’t. That she is looking for the quickest way to put good to bed and carry on the relationship

I like how you word things 'not a drop of decent wine will pass my lips'

So only buckets of cheap wine then? 😂

You may well have stopped reading by this point as 14 pages of people mostly saying the same thing and not what you want to hear but just in case and as I have an active name change…

I also have a lovely home, well educated, love good wine, two beautiful children, a respectable job and yet I am one of “those” families, we’ve been on a child in need plan, several safeguarding checks , early help several times, reports stating my children are at risk of severe harm, (obviously there’s a back story but for this it isn’t necessary).

so, what will happen is a SW will come to your house for a few hours - I’ve had ones that have been here for over four hours. They’ll talk to you at length, they’ll observe you with your child, look at bedrooms, in the kitchen, want to use your loo at some point. If your child is at nursery they’ll visit them there.

my advice, stop looking at them as an enemy or to be scared of, they are part of the puzzle to keep your child safe. You are another part. Work together. Be honest, as so many have said you did something, your partner did something, now you work out how to move forward. The focus is moving forward so it doesn’t happen again.

Your worse fear is they will take your child, they won’t unless they have a very very good reason, the system is over stretched they’ll want to put cheaper things in place if at all possible, parenting courses, monitoring visits/meetings, home start etc

What will help you is to let go of a sense of things like this don’t happen to people like me, this isn’t fair etc, accept this is where you are and find a way so it’s a thing that happened once many years ago and you go back to your “respectful” life with no further contact with them.

Also it’s ok to say your struggling, you’ve gone through a lot, tell them, look for support don’t let thinking your not that sort of person/family stop you from seeking and accepting support.

If drinking alcohol causes you to make bad decisions - like you did on that night then you need assistance . I feel sorry for your DC.

I do hope you are still reading this thread OP.

I can see how some of the responses on here can seem very harsh but the narrative you have written in your head about these events will not go over well with SS.

He dragged you (an adult) up the stairs because you weren't doing what you were told. What happens when your daughter doesn't do what he wants.

@Workingtomorrow there's an awful lot of assumptions there. She said herself she doesn't know if she can continue with the relationship so it's clearly not being brushed under the carpet. She said she's known him 10 plus years so all this 'you moved a stranger in after 5 minutes and let him look after your kid' isn't accurate and just plays into the narrative of her being a feckless mother. Many of us would let friends of 10+ years babysit our kids.

But to be honest all of this is irrelevant. She very obviously behaved atrociously and is very ashamed and embarrassed about it all. I'm not excusing it. It's not ok for kids to see that. However she isn't the first and won't be the last person to make a one off mistake. We are all only human. It's how she learns from it and moves on that's important.

All this praying and feeling sorry for the child is insincere and another way to shame the op. Some people here have offered advice and a reality check, I get that. But a depressing amount have just used the opportunity to jump on the op and kick her while she's down, basically trying to showcase themselves in the process as perfect people who this sort of thing would never happen to.

I can't be arsed with any more discussion as you'll never get through to some of the really unpleasant people that make this place a cesspit.

This is a very sensible response. I agree with all of this. I also say that as someone with no family whatsoever to babysit. We all "deserve" things that sometimes we just cant have. That's life unfortunately.

There's more to all this , otherwise why would OP have been arrested .

My late DP, too. And he had the scars to show for it.

There should be no continuing the relationship. She said herself once is to many times so there should be not future.

I didn’t say she moved a stranger in. Purposely didn’t say that. She didn’t know him as a partner. Do you realise that many people don’t realise their friends, family, coworkers don’t know when someone is an abuser. Op knew him as a friend. Someone she went to uni with she had no clue what he was like as a partner. Which has been proved by this incident. I am sure 2 years ago she wouldn’t have believed he would be dragging her around and pinning her to the bed. She was wrong. He absolutely is that sort of person. So she did, in fact, have no clue what he was like as a partner or step parent by being friends with him.

and let’s be honest, what does ‘friend’ actually mean. I have ‘friends’ I have known for 20 years. No I would let them babysit. If I say the we catch up. Might message occasionally if something comes up. But I have no involvement in their daily life. Going to someone’s wedding doesn’t mean you know them well enough to babysit your child.

Either he is an abuser who is just showing his colours, op has left something massive out or (potentially) his BPD contributed. Unless op missed something massive out he isn’t suitable to look after her child.

It’s not about being a feckless mother. It’s about op making a series of decisions, while sober, that were not in her child’s best interests. And about her understanding that and letting SS support her.

You can’t say she knew him really well and this behaviour also came as a complete surprise. Because that proves she didn’t know him that well.

If op is subtitling with the other things like the loss of her father, she has no clue if it will happen again. She need support. But she won’t get that while she is pretending it’s all fine. And she has no clue if he will do this again.

I am not praying for anyone. But yes, the child saw and heard a fight between her mother and her boyfriend and then her mother got arrested. Why is it insincere to pointing out the child is the important one here and think the Op doesn’t realise that. Shown by her not being sure she is ending it and still calling him her partner.

whats insincere is pretending this is kind of one of these things that just happen. It’s not. The bending over to explain that moving him wasn’t a bad idea, despite what’s happened is insincere.Pretending kids who witness DV don’t need worrying about is insincere. Pretending that the child is now not also a victim of DV is insincere and not of it actually helping the Op or her child.

Based on your updates, you should say that you made bad judgements, he’s moved out and you won’t be drinking any more.

Don’t say that you are educated with a good job (abuse isn’t limited to uneducated people on minimum wage/unemployed) and that the wine was decent. It doesn’t matter what you drank that night- you were far too pissed regardless. Don’t say that you’re not that kind of family. Abuse happens in all kinds of families and you’ll look like a twat using that line. Just because we hear less about abuse in rich families, it doesn’t mean it’s less likely to happen, they have access to decent wine.

Are you staying in a relationship with him? You give the impression that it’s not over and just not speaking atm. SS will probably want to know the answer to this.

This. Really.

We had pretty much annual social services visits until recently - after my eldest with ASD claimed to have taken an overdose of paracetamol [6 tablets!] at college. Like above, this involved several long/2-3 hour visits, interviews with myself and hubs separately, 1-2-1’s with both children, interviews with their schools etc. Felt invasive, but the 27 page report they shared at the end of the first visit was actually quite validating. We were very honest that we felt ill-equipped to cope with DDs ASD/MH issues/self-harming/ROGD and that we would welcome any and all support.

Sadly, I think that the fact they arrived to a ‘beautiful house’ with BMWs on the drive, private education, and saw large bedrooms equipped with all the tech a spoilt teen could want for, actually meant they minimised our need for support. So we ended up being referred to parenting charities and the National Autism Society for parenting classes. It took two more ‘overdoses’ for my DD to be allocated a SW and a youth mentor.

SS only care about the child’s welfare but, even then, they have limited resources so I really would advise acknowledging the potential harm that could have happened to OPs DD on this evening, and that if you need a break from the stress of [single-]parenting then perhaps you need some support - so ask for it. Single parenting is hard, but going out and getting drunk is not the appropriate release valve, especially if you do not have your child’s needs/safety catered for.

This in spades.

@ea4843 you keep saying your lives aren't like this etc, abd I understand what you mean. But look at this objectively. What would you think if you heard this story?

More often than not, this is a box ticking exercise. Safeguarding. Any domestic abuse incident will trigger a police referral to children's services.

'Ive never had a proper break"
You are a mother, a parent!!!!!

Your child was in danger.

No one is 'judging' they are telling you the truth...you are minimilising...you put your child in danger.

Be truthful to SS and take the help offered.

I don’t think the night off was the problem per se. I think your relationship with the DP is the major problem and the fact you are possibly still in some form of relationship with him (hopefully I’m wrong). Most sober people would have dealt with the situation very differently and the worry is how how would react with your DD if she was kicking off if this is how he reacts with you. What if she’d cried all night? Would he have lost his rag and yelled at her too? You have to be really careful who you let into your children’s lives. There’s a big difference in someone being a good friend and someone in a step parent role.

Surely you should be more concerned and worried about the impact on your daughter?

This is not about you. About your shiny "nice, "educated" facade. But your daughter. Her safety. Her life. Wake up.

Try to calm down and NOT panic
they have to get involved and will risk assess

this isn’t about taking your DD away

but something very bad happened when you were very drunk
and the faster you own this and show that you will make steps to ensure it doesn’t happen again the better x

honestly the older I get the more I hate alcohol x

look after yourself op

I agree with @Firefly2009

As a social worker, with the very limited information we have about this situation, I think that op is victim of dv here. Retaliatory violence is part of how a victim responds to attack, and it is v v common for perpetrators to claim they have been abused as a result of a retaliatory attack. Domestic violence at its core is about power and control.

If the known history and checks show no evidence of past problematic drinking, then I'd not be concerned about that.

All I can say op is that the vast majority of social workers are not nearly as harsh as the posters here. We understand that shame drives defensiveness and ultimately we want to build a relationship with you where you feel you can be open and trust us.