Social services called to my home

[ea4843]

Looking for a little reassurance, please be kind.

I have a 2yr old daughter, my own business, a beautiful home, I'm educated and we have a lovely life. My 2yr old is the happiest, brightest child. We are so blessed.
I've been in a relationship for just over a year now with a chap I was friends with for a long time (we belong to the same friendship group) However, he isn't my daughters biological father.
In the middle of December it was a friend of mines birthday and we'd had a lot to drink - I mean, a lot! I was having a once in a blue moon night off from parenting and letting my hair down and having a ruddy good time! It was great. When I eventually made it back to our home I'd decided after being in the house for a short time, that I wanted to go back out again. My partner didn't agree. I think he'd probably thought I was too drunk and being silly and needed my bed.
To cut a long story short, the night ended with him dragging me up the stairs and for some reason (probably frustratrafion for the situation) pinned me on my bed and shouted in my face. It was in this moment that I scratched his chest. I remember feeling terrified and to be honest, quite triggered.
To my shame and embarrassment, my daughter was home when this had happened. He was babysitting while I was out. She had been sleeping and was, up until that point, undisturbed.
My next door neighbour had called the police and when they arrived I was absolutely intoxicated, triggered, obviously couldn't regulate my own emotions and was arrested - and rightly so! How ridiculous of me. I am mortified and ashamed, let that be known.
I was arrested on a domestic abuse charge. So my partner had, a few days later, filed a report to state what his actions had been and what it was that had lead to me scratch him in the first place. So he too, has now been charged with domestic assault.
I've never been arrested or in trouble with anyone before and I've certainly never been involved in a situation like this before.
Although my partner and I haven't really had any contact since this situation, we've both agreed not to press charges, but the police are pushing for them anyway.
I've received a letter today with a social services appointment to visit my home with my daughter in a few days and I'm absolutely terrified!
The police had advised me that due to the nature of the incident and the fact that my daughter was in our home when it had happened, that they would have to inform them.
As I've said, I've never been involved in anything like this before and I just don't know what to expect. We are not this type of family, we don't live this way. This is not a reflection of me as a parent or an adult. I'd had too much wine with my dinner and had reacted based on my partners inappropriate behaviour towards me.
And to be clear, this has never happened before. My partner does have BPD and that shouldn't be held against him. His reaction towards me was wildly inappropriate and he is now seeking help for this. Although that isn't my main concern for now and I'm not even sure I can go forward with the relationship after this, I'm just filling in some gaps.
I'm just unsure of what to expect with a social worker visit. It's worrying and I'm so embarrassed and utterly ashamed of myself by the whole escapade.

Any kind advice is welcome,
Thanks in advance.

@ea4843

What happens next HAS to be in the best interests of your DD. She is the priority.

There are so many alarms bells here for me - that you dismiss it as an ‘escapade’, that your partner was sober and behaved like this/had previously been babysitting your DD alone, that the volume was sufficient to alert neighbours.
I’m not sure about advice here, because I think you should retell exactly how you see it - and SS will decide what to do next.

I don’t know what you should tell SS, except to be completely honest.
My mum & dad went out once, to some friends house. My mum came home completely wasted. She could barely walk, which was very unlike her — I was maybe 8, and I remember her saying she suspected the man of spiking her drink.
Now we know about ruffles and what can happen.
I agree with the other PP that you probably need to ditch the boyfriend before the SS meeting so they know you’re sincere about your life.
I’m sorry - I hope your daughter is okay.
Lesson learned, even if was a crap one.

More misplaced platitude and x, you have no idea whether or not she’s a great parent. She’s not great based on her on account of excessive drinking, an altercation so loud that the police were called and upon police attending @ea4843 argued vociferously with them. Absolutely none of that indicates “great parent”. You shouldn’t blithely offer reassurance or platitude to minimise a bad situation .

On the contrary, there has been a great deal of very clear advice here, unless you consider posts pointing out how badly the OP will come across to SWs if she tries talking g to them the way she posted here to be "horrible".

A lot of women here on MN - and in this thread - have been victims of DV. A lot have poor opinions of the judgement of police in situations of DV. But the fact remains that both the OP and her partner were arrested, an unusual outcome, and a reality she has to deal with.

And the fact that SS were alerted and the home is now on their radar isn't necessarily going to be the trifle some here think it will be.

This is another element of reality the OP has to deal with, and how she does that could have serious repercussions if she gets it wrong.

It's not "horrible" or "judgemental" to try to change the OP's belief that the narrative she posted here will impress the social workers she is about to encounter. On the contrary, there is a high likelihood that it will turn out to be extremely helpful.

This.

Especially the contradiction of the statement that 'everyone deserves a night off from parenting'.

If parenting is stressful or getting you down, there are resources to help you approach it better. Getting trollied on a night out isn't one of those ways.

More to the point, this sort of statement will ring alarm bells for SS.

You're seeing alcohol as a reasonable way to relax and as an excuse for your behaviour throughout this thread. Social workers will pick up this theme.

my own business, a beautiful home, I'm educated

Why mention the above?

None of the above are get out of jail free cards. You have acted irresponsibly, while intoxicated, with a minor in your care.

Education, money, and a beautiful home, do not equate being a responsible mother!!

OP can you write a paragraph from your daughter's perspective about how she must have felt during this fight between you and your partner and the subsequent police visit? She must have been utterly terrified in her own home where caregivers were not protecting her and comforting her, but attacking each other.

I’m very sorry for the loss of your father.

Very gently - as I can see you’ve had a tough time with a bereavement - no you don’t get a night off parenting. That’s rather the whole point of being a parent with young kids. A break, sure - but I don’t think anyone should be getting that drunk and then going home to their child.

My advice is: Don’t be defensive with the social worker and let this be a wake up call. Ditch your partner for the sake of your child and stop drinking entirely - it clearly does not agree with you.

I would hazard a guess that the OP has left so much more out of her post being in the state the police found her in. I know what my memory was like back the day after when I got plastered.

I read this in young dumb honey buns voice " I have a 2yr old daughter, my own business, a beautiful home, I'm educated and we have a lovely life."

OP I think it's important to understand that it is absolutely the right thing that ss have been notified. This may be a one off but there's no way for services to know this without checking. You might feel ashamed about this but it is really important that we have safeguards to keep children safe. Think of Star Hobson and Arthur Labinjo Hughes. It is so important that red flags are acted on. I'm glad they have been here.

This sounds like it was a huge fight. If the neighbour hadn't called the police would it have stopped? Anything could have happened in that time - what if your dd had fallen ill that night or even got out of the house, but nobody noticed because you were drunk and fighting? I'm not saying these hypotheticals to be mean but to point out the gravity of what could of happened. Ss will want you to have an understanding of this as well as remorse and a plan to prevent it happening again.

Your bf doesn't sound like a safe person to be in a relationship with. This might be out of his control because of his mh, but ultimately he is not your priority. Your child is.

This was a horrible wake up call OP but if you truly reflect on how it happened, look past the shame and learn from it, you can make sure it never happens again.

Well, well, well, turns out you ARE those type of people….

The only way to prove to SS and yourself that this will never happen again is if you quit drinking and split up with your partner- both with immediate effect.

@watcherintherye I'm a criminal lawyer. See an awful lot of DV. I am many things but naive isn't one of them.

I would be really interested to know what Op meant when she said she was ‘triggered and unable to regulate my own emotions’

People who use the word triggered, more recently, don’t actually mean triggered. They don’t mean it’s triggered a previous trauma. They simply mean upset, bothered, don’t like something. It’s swiftly becoming one of the most over used ‘therapy speak’ words which is losing meaning. So it would be interesting to know what the context is.

But also ‘unable to regulate my emotions’. I am guessing the police arrived and she was kicking off with them as well. Which is why she was arrested. Either that is the ‘scratch to his chest’ was far worse than op is saying.

Again ‘unable to regulate my emotions’ sounds like someone using therapy speech. This time slightly improve the sound of what she is saying so people are more sympathetic.

and let’s be honest. This great guy, who was sober, apparently went to the police and told them what he done after. That it was all his fault, but didn’t tell them when they were in the house? Let them arrest her and take her away? Admitted to it later but not until she had been arrested and removed?

So is he a complete twat that let his girlfriend be arrested after he assaulted her? If so why would he later go to police and admit what he did. Or is there more to this which includes her kicking off when the police got there.

People who are saying ‘but it’s a one off’ have no clue it’s a one off. They have been together a year. DV in relationships doesn’t start from day one. And it’s rarely a one off. While op was hammered, he was not.

Op says herself even once, is too much. Especially in front of a child. Except, she is clearly still in a relationship with him and the split is temporary.

Also agree with the poster above that says there’s a real trend of women moving men, with the ‘I have known him years’. People need to realise you can know someone years. But you don’t know what it’s like in a relationship with them. Many abusers have friends and family that have no clue what they do to their romantic partners. Even if you have known someone years, you don’t know what a relationship with them is like. Which is why you shouldn’t move them in.

I do think Ops Dads death, is impacting here. But that’s not necessarily a helpful mitigating factor. She had no other support apart from her dad. And while she was going through this she got into a relationship and over a man in with her and her child really quickly I suspect she did this so quickly as she was losing her only support. And jumped in out of panic and fear of being alone. Understandable but suggest that she isn’t currently capable of making good decisions for her or her daughter.

I was devastated when my mum died. Even 2 years later it’s incredibly painful. So I have some sympathy in regards to that. But, if her grief is leading her to make such poor decisions there’s a continued risk.

Then there the child’s dad, if one exists. Will he be informed could this cause issues over who is the resident parent? Especially if she is prosecuted.

I get people trying to play it down to make Op feel better. But I don’t think it’s helpful. Playing it down and making it not a big deal isn’t realistic and is more likely to encourage her to think it’s not that big of a deal then, move him back asap.

@HaileyBailey I'm not angry but nice attempt at deflecting.

What did you hope to achieve from your initial comment?

Also the rosary comment from a pp, I know this is a serious subject but that is hilariously, cringeworthy and over dramatic.

Op I echo what everyone else has said. Especially the part about leaving such a small toddler with a man that is not her father. You simply can not do that safely. Look at the statistics on child sexual abuse and the most likely perpetrators.

That said I think you need to take legal advice and if the case goes to court, plead not guilty. In my view your actions were ones of self defence. Being pinned to the bed is violence - and you were vulnerable. I am very surprised you were charged, so I wonder if we know the whole story but I will take it at face value. Thank your neighbour she was looking out for you.

End the relationship. You can not have a safe relationship with a man that has BPD with such a small and defenceless child. He has shown you who is now.

Book some counselling today to process your bereavements and loss. Tell your friends - your chosen family - you need much more support. Talk to women’s aid and take advice.

SS will be encouraged by your decision to prioritise your child and end your relationship, and that you have organised counselling and are seeking help and support.

Don’t minimise what you did and tell them the truth. They are there to keep you both safe, welcome them in to your life in that spirit. Do everything they tell you to do without question and this episode will be the last one - chalked up as a lesson well learnt. I feel for you op. It’s clearly been tough, get some professional support rather than using coping strategies 💐💐

You can’t change what’s already happened op, you can only choose how to act moving forward. I’m not going to
pass judgement, plenty have already. It is important you tread carefully moving forward as I’m sure you already know. Be honest, with social services when they visit and be clear on how you plan to mitigate any risk of this happening again. Alcohol can make many of us behave inappropriately and uncharacteristically. It also does our health no favours. I would try and replace it with a more healthy alternative. Do something for yourself, a hobby or exercise you are able to do alongside your parenting commitments. You absolutely can move on from this in a positive way.

Interesting you think my opinion is shameful but not the behaviour of the OP. That tells me all I need to know about you

@HaileyBailey Read my post. I've clearly said it's bad behaviour. Nobody here is condoning it. Even the op.

Still you're not able to say what you hoped to achieve, because I suspect if you're really honest with yourself you simply want to stick the boot in to someone while humble bragging about how well you dealt with something. Essentially making yourself feel superior at the expense of someone who already feels terrible.

And that tells me all I need to know about you.

This is what I was going to say. In your post you're minimising your behaviour and your partners and you seem more concerned by SS than your child.

You need to stop drinking, end your relationship and put your child first.

@newyrgrrl thankfully, your defence of the OP’s behaviour puts you in the minority on this thread

Do you struggle with reading comprehension? I'm not defending it, it's bad behaviour. She knows this, she's acknowledged it, she's taken steps to ensure it doesn't happen again, she's rightly mortified.

What good is it to keep telling her what a bad person she is? She already knows she messed up.

Some people here just seem to thrive from the mistakes of others. They actively enjoy telling others what bad people they are and how they'd never do such things because they're so much better people. Tragic.

You are this type of family. This is who you are. If you spout this nonsense to SS they will see straight through it.

No she hasn’t.

If there is no more to this story then try to calm down and not panic. They have to come if there is a domestic, they will chat to you about what happened and discuss with you what concerns they have/ had. If t