Social services called to my home

[ea4843]

Looking for a little reassurance, please be kind.

I have a 2yr old daughter, my own business, a beautiful home, I'm educated and we have a lovely life. My 2yr old is the happiest, brightest child. We are so blessed.
I've been in a relationship for just over a year now with a chap I was friends with for a long time (we belong to the same friendship group) However, he isn't my daughters biological father.
In the middle of December it was a friend of mines birthday and we'd had a lot to drink - I mean, a lot! I was having a once in a blue moon night off from parenting and letting my hair down and having a ruddy good time! It was great. When I eventually made it back to our home I'd decided after being in the house for a short time, that I wanted to go back out again. My partner didn't agree. I think he'd probably thought I was too drunk and being silly and needed my bed.
To cut a long story short, the night ended with him dragging me up the stairs and for some reason (probably frustratrafion for the situation) pinned me on my bed and shouted in my face. It was in this moment that I scratched his chest. I remember feeling terrified and to be honest, quite triggered.
To my shame and embarrassment, my daughter was home when this had happened. He was babysitting while I was out. She had been sleeping and was, up until that point, undisturbed.
My next door neighbour had called the police and when they arrived I was absolutely intoxicated, triggered, obviously couldn't regulate my own emotions and was arrested - and rightly so! How ridiculous of me. I am mortified and ashamed, let that be known.
I was arrested on a domestic abuse charge. So my partner had, a few days later, filed a report to state what his actions had been and what it was that had lead to me scratch him in the first place. So he too, has now been charged with domestic assault.
I've never been arrested or in trouble with anyone before and I've certainly never been involved in a situation like this before.
Although my partner and I haven't really had any contact since this situation, we've both agreed not to press charges, but the police are pushing for them anyway.
I've received a letter today with a social services appointment to visit my home with my daughter in a few days and I'm absolutely terrified!
The police had advised me that due to the nature of the incident and the fact that my daughter was in our home when it had happened, that they would have to inform them.
As I've said, I've never been involved in anything like this before and I just don't know what to expect. We are not this type of family, we don't live this way. This is not a reflection of me as a parent or an adult. I'd had too much wine with my dinner and had reacted based on my partners inappropriate behaviour towards me.
And to be clear, this has never happened before. My partner does have BPD and that shouldn't be held against him. His reaction towards me was wildly inappropriate and he is now seeking help for this. Although that isn't my main concern for now and I'm not even sure I can go forward with the relationship after this, I'm just filling in some gaps.
I'm just unsure of what to expect with a social worker visit. It's worrying and I'm so embarrassed and utterly ashamed of myself by the whole escapade.

Any kind advice is welcome,
Thanks in advance.

OP has clearly stated that the partner is no longer there.

I'm out.

All the best to you OP

Not read all posts… but yes, as a parent, you are allowed to get rat-arsed occasionally, but not when you have sole responsibility for a child and/or are returning home to them in that state. You arrange for them to stay with grandparents or a close family friend for the night. If you have none then no, getting paralytic is not on the cards. Just a sad, but basic, reality of parenting.

I didn’t/don’t have any PiLs or relatives within a 4hr drive when raising, and my husband travels a lot on business/leaves early/works long hours, so getting trollied with the girls is a rare treat, by prior agreement, so that he is the sober person in charge for the period I am out and until I sober up the next day. Even now they are teens, I still need to get them to school/drs appointments, so this has not actually got easier after a decade or so. Having children means sacrificing many of the perks of single life.

Your boyfriend is NOT the child’s legal guardian or step-parent. You need to acknowledge your mistake, your lack of awareness and be open to advice and parenting support from Social services. They don’t want to take a child away from its parent, but they do want them to be safe - and that may mean you having to follow their advice and have a few visits until they are sure you will make more responsible decisions going forward.

Stop drinking. Don’t leave your 2 year old with a man who you know is abusive. Drink is drink whether it’s a £10 bottle or a £60 bottle - it turns people into utter lunatics.

He has no history of abusive behaviour

Hi, I’ve heard that quoted before but am struggling to find the source of it. Maybe I’m just googling the wrong key words but I can’t find it.

i did find uk government agencies saying the greatest risk factor of abuse to children was drugs and alcohol misuse, but that wasn’t gendered, and in this instance obviously that would be the mum

If you aren’t that kind of household, then when the social worker shows up, you won’t be defensive. It is coming through on this thread and it would be best if you don’t do it with the social worker.

you know you made a monumental mistake. Getting that drunk is not a night off from parenting. So own your mistake and have a plan ready for how it won’t be happening again.

They may have their own plan they want you to follow. if they ask you to attend alcohol or domestic violence classes, don’t argue, just agree happily. You may not need them, but it won’t hurt you to take them

What you have described is absolutely shocking. There are no mitigating factors. You need to face up to this .

Are you a bloke @BlackPanther75

Sorry, responsible people don't think they're entitled to a night off from parenting.

With all due respect I’m not here to do your work, I’m citing credible evidence based good practice in CP used in practice and CPD . Out of interest Is this a diversion tactic you cannot find references so I have to tell you the sources . I’m not going to retract or change my mind because you cannot google effectively

Here's Just one source for the stepfather point, there are loads!

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30247060/

Please don’t worry. We all have been there! It was a one off. Don’t be so harsh on yourself. As long as this doesn’t happen again then there’s no need to worry.

Err, I would think there is an awful lot to worry about here.

She left a child with a man she doesn't really know, came home and they had a fight.

I like a drink but I never get into a state where I could not look after my child.

And I would worry about SS.

There are some wonderful replies in this thread, OP, and most mean well and worry for you, as did your neighbour, probably. This is such a stressful time for you, and all you wanted was to unwind for a bit, it's only understandable. Don't make things worse for you by downplaying your mistakes, this won't go down well.

BPD is often diagnosed when someone consistently displays anger, impulsivity, and has a hard time regulating their emotions. What prompted the diagnosis of BPD in your partner? You might not be good for each other, but your safety is paramount.

@Firefly2009 lots of parents get drunk. Most don’t go home to their toddler, get involved in a domestic affray that is so loud the neighbour can hear, assault each other and get arrested. Big difference.

This is the most judgmental, horrible thread I have ever read on MN.

Look you clearly can't handle the booze sensibly so for God's sake never drink again.
I cant either so I gave up drinking years ago
Alcohol is nearly always responsible for escapades like this. If you can't have fun without drinking then you need to learn how to.
The booze makes you incapable of handling situations or looking after your child. New year, new you. Take this as a warning and an opportunity to change.

On the contrary I’ve seen considerably worse. Op is also getting some inappropriate platitudes and cheery we have all been there minimisation

People should judge when children are in danger.

Hello OP
I’m sorry you are being bashed so badly on here.
People can and do make mistakes. All the time. I’m sure there are lots of people who have done similar actions to this (got absolutely wasted) but with different outcomes and therefore haven’t had to face the consequences quite so harshly as you are.
firstly, well done for not drinking anymore and well done for ending the relationship to both work on yourselves.
I would just be as honest as possible. Social services will most likely do a routine check to ensure your child is not in any danger. They are gravely under staffed and under funded and therefore don’t remove children unless there is any risk to their life.
Just show them what a great parent you are and repeat that this was a terrible one off and you will never drink again and therefore this will never happen again. X

I think you should re-write what happened, for yourself at least, without all the 'look how nicely we take responsibility'. Just blunt unvarnished facts.

I'm struck that your neighbour called the police for a scuffle up the stairs and a moment of shouting (it must have been a lot more); that you were heading back out (genuinely untethered behaviour); and that the police ended up arresting both of you (not inevitable).

Being brutally honest with yourself first is the best preparation for social services, as well as deciding the best path forward.

Saying 'we're not this type of family' is minimising; but it's also judgemental, and cuts you off you from support when you most need it. It's okay to be vulnerable, it's okay to be in a mess, and it's okay to need professional help.

You have clearly survived DV. So have I.

And what I am getting from the OP is exactly what I used to hear from ExH. Excuses about it all being done in drink, glossing over what happened in between him getting home and him being arrested, reasons why he was reacting to me so it wasnt actually his fault......

The OP was indeed assaulted that night, but so was her partner. And she has only focussed on what happened to her rather than her behaviour "long story short"..... well I would like to hear the long story as I strongly suspect it wont go straight from her coming home and then getting attacked. I am not, and I am getting that neither is anyone else, saying that she wasnt assaulted. But what I am saying is that so was her partner, by the OP. And like all DV perps, she is minimising.

And the fact that she left her infant child with a man she has been with barely a year, went out and got smashed and then got arrested should be something that needs to be addressed.

The OP minimising this is wrong, utterly wrong.

Sometime there can be two abusers in a relationship.

Back to the original point, you may have known him X amount of years, but have lived together a year, and this has come out. So you couldn't really know him until now.

@PyongyangKipperbang You are filling in the gaps based on your own experience. You could argue I'm doing the same, except I think it is best to give someone the benefit of the doubt until you know otherwise.

Which would be fine if that was all that you have done. Except it isnt

What you have done it be offensive, rude and, as a PP pointed out, reported posts that disagree with your POV.

@PyongyangKipperbang offensive and rude? what on earth are you talking about!