Social services called to my home

[ea4843]

Looking for a little reassurance, please be kind.

I have a 2yr old daughter, my own business, a beautiful home, I'm educated and we have a lovely life. My 2yr old is the happiest, brightest child. We are so blessed.
I've been in a relationship for just over a year now with a chap I was friends with for a long time (we belong to the same friendship group) However, he isn't my daughters biological father.
In the middle of December it was a friend of mines birthday and we'd had a lot to drink - I mean, a lot! I was having a once in a blue moon night off from parenting and letting my hair down and having a ruddy good time! It was great. When I eventually made it back to our home I'd decided after being in the house for a short time, that I wanted to go back out again. My partner didn't agree. I think he'd probably thought I was too drunk and being silly and needed my bed.
To cut a long story short, the night ended with him dragging me up the stairs and for some reason (probably frustratrafion for the situation) pinned me on my bed and shouted in my face. It was in this moment that I scratched his chest. I remember feeling terrified and to be honest, quite triggered.
To my shame and embarrassment, my daughter was home when this had happened. He was babysitting while I was out. She had been sleeping and was, up until that point, undisturbed.
My next door neighbour had called the police and when they arrived I was absolutely intoxicated, triggered, obviously couldn't regulate my own emotions and was arrested - and rightly so! How ridiculous of me. I am mortified and ashamed, let that be known.
I was arrested on a domestic abuse charge. So my partner had, a few days later, filed a report to state what his actions had been and what it was that had lead to me scratch him in the first place. So he too, has now been charged with domestic assault.
I've never been arrested or in trouble with anyone before and I've certainly never been involved in a situation like this before.
Although my partner and I haven't really had any contact since this situation, we've both agreed not to press charges, but the police are pushing for them anyway.
I've received a letter today with a social services appointment to visit my home with my daughter in a few days and I'm absolutely terrified!
The police had advised me that due to the nature of the incident and the fact that my daughter was in our home when it had happened, that they would have to inform them.
As I've said, I've never been involved in anything like this before and I just don't know what to expect. We are not this type of family, we don't live this way. This is not a reflection of me as a parent or an adult. I'd had too much wine with my dinner and had reacted based on my partners inappropriate behaviour towards me.
And to be clear, this has never happened before. My partner does have BPD and that shouldn't be held against him. His reaction towards me was wildly inappropriate and he is now seeking help for this. Although that isn't my main concern for now and I'm not even sure I can go forward with the relationship after this, I'm just filling in some gaps.
I'm just unsure of what to expect with a social worker visit. It's worrying and I'm so embarrassed and utterly ashamed of myself by the whole escapade.

Any kind advice is welcome,
Thanks in advance.

You are obviously full of regret. That’s healthy and it will help you when you speak to the Social worker to express that. Do not make excuses.

You have asked for kind advice and you deserve that. But aligned with that, you do deserve frankness.

The 3 things that stand out for me are firstly you seem not as concerned as you should be about the effect of this violent incident on your daughter. For neighbours to call police and for the police to make an arrest, the situation was obviously out with control. This would have been terrifying for your daughter. You have not sufficiently acknowledged that.

The second is in respect of your daughter you said “we are blessed” - do mean you and the partner with whom you had the fight? You have compromised your daughter’s welfare by pursuing this relationship. Do not defend that choice. Or him.

The third thing is your comment that “everyone deserves a night off from parenting”. That’s not true. Of course it’s nice if a night off can be achieved. But your child’s welfare is paramount and her welfare may not actually stretch to you having a night off; not if that means she is exposed to domestic abuse. It’s not a given that we get nights off once we are parents. That makes you sound immature. Or spoilt. Not saying you are. But don’t say that to the social worker. The only time we get a night off is if the arrangements we have put in place are watertight. Yours weren’t and they put your daughter at risk of harm. You really need to acknowledge that.

My advice is that you need to be clear the relationship is over and express that without demur to the social worker.

Best of luck. You obviously have had a nasty shock. You can move on from this. But not without some adjustment in your view.

Imagine all you want, but that is not what she said happened.

To cut a long story short, the night ended with him dragging me up the stairs and for some reason (probably frustratrafion for the situation) pinned me on my bed and shouted in my face. It was in this moment that I scratched his chest. I remember feeling terrified and to be honest, quite triggered.
To my shame and embarrassment, my daughter was home when this had happened. He was babysitting while I was out. She had been sleeping and was, up until that point, undisturbed.

It seems a big incident to be a one off it may be the 1st time the police were involved but I doubt they went from peaceful bliss to that overnight

So you’re now sober? You’ve blamed alcohol an awful lot so I assume you are now teetotal?

The OP is not responsible for how her partner reacted, nor is she responsible for not predicting that he was going to do what he did. If you are saying that she is responsible for that, you are victim blaming. End of.

Have you ever heard the saying every story has 3 sides

Unreal is your ill advised platitude's you’re not the first blah blah. Others posting we have all been there soothing comments. Utter nonsense. Minimising. Potentially platitudes to soothe, but nonetheless stupid and ill advised.
This is serious. It’s a police and SS matter
Police contact It will show up,on an enhanced DBS if she need one for work or study.

Going forward @ea4843 needs to demonstrate how she’ll protect her daughter and that she can maintain safety & stability. that her home is safe and stable. That she won’t pose a risk or exhibit inpaired judgement by being intoxicated.That her abusive ex is an ex and not present

Please share your source to back the statement that unrelated men are the greatest risk to children

Every story does have 3 sides. My point is to not make up a very negative bad third side.

Had you been taking cocaine and decided you wanted to go back out for another line.

I don’t really have anything to say others haven’t. I get everyone makes mistakes, I’ve been with DH for more time than I would have got for murder 😂 have we both on the odd occasion had one more drink than we should have when out with pals…YES…did we both still pick each other up like you’re a tit…YES

however, was there ever an incident a neighbour could call the police…absolutely no! If a neighbour notices it’s leagues above having one too many.

Additional info: we don’t have kids and I’m sure if we did… one too many would be much less likely, but still if we did would never be to the stage a neighbour (or child) would catch onto

And my point is don't be so naive to believe everything op is saying when she was not only arrested but also charged with domestic violence

My point is to give the benefit of the doubt unless you know otherwise. You're doing the exact same thing in reverse.

It's ops house, if she wasn't so out of control when the police got there they wouldn't have arrested her. They'd have asked her what happend and if she wanted him removing from her home

I’m pretty sure if a man stretched his nails and left marks across a woman’s chest you would consider that assault

No, I would consider it self defence if she had him pinned to the bed by the neck and was shouting in his face.

Preventable risk. And do your own Googling. I'm not your mum.

Also, even if it's only the 8 times or 10 times raised risk of maltreatment death, do you need it to be the worst? What if it's only the second worse? What level of increase of maltreatment death and sexual abuse is acceptable?

Oh god, just saw the other comment by @BlackPanther75

Do we have an MRA? Urg.

I'm not the one threatening to report any post that doesn't agree with me. That was you

Who was pinned by the neck?

All of this.
I would also add (and I may be pessimistic due to my line of work) that a “I’ve known him ten years, so he’s totally trustworthy” is utter bullshit. This incident shows this. You were drunk (absolutely not an excuse, but impaired judgement), but he was sober, aware your daughter was there and behaved like this.
You say your behaviour led to his reaction. So a two year old doesn’t ever throw tantrums, lash out or push boundaries the way you did? And you really think he’s okay to be left alone with your child. You still refer to him as though you are still together.
For this reason you don’t deserve your daughter.
You should be stopping all alcohol (you can’t be trusted) and you should be kicking this guy to the kerb (he can’t be trusted), and there are no two ways about it. This is the minimum you should be doing to prove you are a fit mother after this atrocious incident.

@BlackPanther75 the introduction of a male partner who isn’t the bio dad is well documented significant risk to a child. it’s well documented in CP and sadly is a theme in serious case reviews

I am not doing any such thing. I have reported this thread for the victim blaming of a DV victim. The original post, whether it is missing anything or not, makes it clear that the partner attacked her, dragged her up flight of stairs and pinned her to the bed whilst shouting in her face.

It may or may not have happened that way. We don't know. But what isn't okay, is to fill in the blanks with supposition and judgment when what has been described was clearly a physical attack on the OP.